Meds and More

I'll always have to take my heart meds. Anti depressants? Only one so far. But even with that, I still have symptoms. Lately, more chest pain at times. It comes and it goes. I try to stretch, and it's really painful. No luck yet in seeing a physical therapist. Hopefully that will come thru soon.

It feels like body pain comes and goes. One minute you feel halfway centered. Then you can barely get out of bed and walk. But, it's all connected. It's a nice sunny day and then suddenly, torture flashbacks. You don't feel safe being around little kids. When necessary, leave. Do the responsible thing.

No matter what though, we're not crazy. We're not mentally ill, handicapped, disabled or any other labels. We have health problems that we didn't ask for. Now, we're trying to deal with these as best we can.

Protect yourself.

Pain at the Beach

Happy Xmas. Have fun? here, we went to the beach for the day. Beautiful weather, waves, lots of people. But also, lots of circulation pain. Now this week it's back to appointments, meds and more.

Stay safe.

Bombarded with Pain

Happy Xmas to you in your part of the world. Here, we just stayed in and rested all day. All day long, relentless pain. Body memory, circulation pain, flashbacks, torture flashbacks. You have to protect yourself. What else can you do?

Tomorrow we'll see how we feel. If more grounded, then it's off to the beach for the day. If not, just stay in and protect yourself.

Have fun.

Bombarded with Pain

You try to protect yourself by setting boundaries and doing other positive things. But despite that, you still get bombarded with pain.

Torture flashbacks
Circulation pain
Exhaustion
Nightmares
1-2 hours of sleep every night (if you're lucky)

What else can you do? Denial only makes things worse. Dissociating makes things worse. You have to protect your well being. Because you want to feel safe.

Sometimes you just turn everything off because it's too much. You won't hurt yourself or anybody else. You have to protect yourself.

Lots of tests, xray and more to deal with right now. So far so good.

Protect Yourself

Fight symptoms and don't dissociate. When rare moments of clarity happen, you're bombarded with pain, abandonment and sadness. But we're not crazy. We're not a threat to anybody.

We just want to feel safe.

Fight Symptoms

You have to fight back. You never get a break. Somedays you have no noise because you just want peace and quiet. You know how easy it is to let your guard down and then dissociate. You lose track of everything and have to fight your way back to reality.

Will we go to a family Xmas party? If we do, it will be as brief as possible. We still struggle with anger, frustration and abandonment. Can we ever believe anything that anybody says?

We just want to feel safe.

Set Boundaries as Best You Can

Another long day of fighting symptoms and trying to keep some sense of being grounded. You know it's not your fault. But you have to fight all the time to not dissociate. You also have to try and set boundaries as best you can.

Normally we try to stay away from having progressive political content here. UNLESS it's necessary and can be tied into dealing with trauma.

Did I vote for Trump? No I didn't. Up to the election, you were bombarded with vote fear, and not your conscience. If you don't vote for Hillary, you're not "patriotic". Doesn't matter that almost 70% of the US public wants a multi party system. The trolls were out for blood, and would rip any "threat" that they saw to pieces.

Now, Trump is President Elect. In 4 days, the Electoral College votes. Each state has a certain number of "electors" who are supposed to vote for who won the popular vote in a state. Why then two votes. The idea is to prevent unqualified people from being President. The electors have several choices:

Vote for who won the popular vote in your state.
If Trump won, don't vote for him. Vote for somebody else.

Lots of legal experts (how many are getting paid? Who knows) are arguing over this. Legally they can vote for whoever the want. The Constitution doesn't prevent that. But then some state politicians are saying if you do that, we'll arrest your ass and charge you with fraud, which is a felony. Many are probably getting death threats and other garbage.

Is Trump's win causing massive PTSD cases nationwide? I think it is. But, what we're trying to do is to protect ourselves and as best you can, keep moving forward and doing your best to make things better. Should some people leave the country because Trump will make it a fascist dictatorship? Many say yes and are already leaving.

Like any trauma survivor, we just want to feel safe. Symptoms are a constant battle. If others are horrible in what they say and do, they deal with the consequences. Every day you struggle with anger, frustration and abandonment. On the other hand, we know we did nothing wrong. Everything we're saying is true.

Protect yourself.

Try Not to Dissociate

You fight to keep some sense of being grounded. Then, everything feels black. You know you're not insane or a danger to anyone. But you have nothing to hide behind. You try to not lose control because of adrenalin surges. You just want to feel safe.

Protect yourself.

You Have to Fight Back

Fighting symptoms every day. dissociating feels like having a migrane that never goes away. You have to protect yourself.

Will we go to a family Xmas party? If yes, we'll keep it as short as possible. It's a real struggle to deal with sadness, abandonment and other pain. On the other hand, we're not hiding behind denial. Which is important.

Fight Symptoms

Another doctor appointment, and my blood clotting factor is doing ok. I still have to take 8 meds a day. But my cardiologist likes the fact that I'm using holistic things in my health (as well as the traditional).

Symptoms are still there. You feel at times like you're going to snap in two. But you do your best to try and keep some sense of being grounded.

Protect yourself.

Almost No Sleep

Fight symptoms all day long. Then at night, you get almost no sleep at all. But you have to protect yourself. Sitting back and doing nothing doesn't work.

If we have chest pain, is it a blood clot? Or, something else?

We'll fin out more Thursday at the next doctor's appointment.

Bombarded with Pain

Another day of fighting symptoms and exhaustion. At times, psychosis symptoms still happen. Hallucinations, hearing voices, fighting monsters from attacking you and more. I'm not crazy. We're not insane. We're not a threat to anybody. We just want to feel safe.

A constant battle to not dissociate and fall apart. We don't want to have no idea of where we are. But you struggle with feeling abandoned and not knowing at times what to do.

Protect yourself.

Fight to Not Dissociate

Another day of fighting symptoms. A constant struggle to not dissociate. Don't relapse and fall apart. It will only make pain worse.

Can't watch TV without the sound being turned down. Too triggering these days. You have to screen everything.

You have to protect youself at all costs.

Another Doctor Appointment

Went to see the cardiologist and his assistant today. Some medication changes and then another heart test in 2 months. After that, we talk about all options.

The good news is so far I don't have to have a pacemaker or any other surgery. On the other hand, my appetite continues to go down. That's one common side effect of the various meds I'm on. It's still really frustrating when you feel like you can barely drink any liquids or eat tiny meals.

PTSD symptoms are still there. I still have psychotic episodes at times. Despite all this, I know I'm not insane. I'm not a danger to anybody. Your symptoms are a reflection of the severity of your trauma history.

Protect yourself.

Fight to Stay Grounded

Lots of body pain and flashbacks. Also psychotic symptoms too. But despite that, I'm not crazy. I'm not a danger to  anybody.

You struggle to not turn into some burned out angry monster because of horrible treatment by others. However, they have to live with the consequences of their actions.

Protect yourself.

Fight to Not Dissociate

Lots of triggering stuff everywhere. Always exhausted fighting to not black out or violently dissociate. But it's not my fault.

Don't Dissociate

Struggled thru a rough day yesterday trying not to dissociate. Nothing to hide behind. Which means you're bombarded with pain. I really don't want to go back to addictions with lots of painkillers. Which means diet, exercise, meditation and other things to try and face your trauma history head on.

Also, Trump the Dictator isn't my fault. Be aware, make decisions based on facts and fight to make things better. But your well being comes first.

Bombarded with Pain

Nightmares, body pain and more of fighting symptoms. I don't want to go back to taking lots of meds and having lots of addictions again. Then again, while you can stay straight, they're always there.

You have to fight back. Some days feel half decent. Others have endless pain and psychotic thoughts. Despite that, I'm not crazy. I'm not a threat to anybody.

We just want to feel safe.

What's Causing It?

Another day with not only PTSD symptoms, but body pain as well. I can barely roll over, sit up and get out of bed. It feels like my lower spine is all pain. What's causing this? I know that health is both physical and mental. What is it?

Some form of arthritis?
Some form of cancer?
Trauma pain that's flooding out?
Severe allergic reaction?

I have to take heart meds and some supplements. I've started a new supplement to see if it gives some relief. On really bad days, EVERYTHING HURTS. Next month I'll try to get a specialist referral from one of my GP's.

You just want to feel safe.

Don't Dissociate

Fighting really hard today to not dissociate. It's like being bombarded non stop with pain. You don't want to black out. But every step is literally painful.

You just want to protect yourself.

More Exhaustion

You try and face the full reality of your trauma history, and how exhausting it can be. Another part of this is how severe dissociating has been (and continues to be) as you fight to keep some sense of being grounded. Then again, denial only makes things worse.

Protect yourself.

Bombarded with Pain

Trying to focus and keep some sense of being grounded. Can't watch any cable news right now. Too triggering. Trump protests continue. Great. As long as they're hopefully non violent, keep going. But the anger needs to be heard.

We still have to proactively fight to not dissociate. This means we're constantly run down. But you don't have a choice.

Protect yourself.

Now What?

One nice thing about this blog is that while we try to concentrate on trauma and connected issues, the connected issues can cover a lot. Case in point: Trump beating Hillary. Called a support line earlier today, and we talked about not taking on the pain of the world AND your trauma pain all at once. I used to do that, and eventually said enough. As far as Trump winning, I try to look at it like, do the best you can to keep going to make things better. I made an informed choice and voted Green. Now, remember that your well being comes first. Be aware and care. But if you're not together, you can't be effective.

How do you protect your well being? Some days we have no TV at all. You just want to feel safe in your own home. We still work proactively to not fall into a slump that might let us give into dissociating. By the end of the day, you can barely move. On the other hand, you have a brief sense of relief.

I have health problems that I'm trying to deal with as best I can. Stay safe.

It's Not Our Fault

The worst is happening. Trump's going to win. Massive depression. But on the other hand, it's not our fault.

Voting and More

I didn't want to be caught in a weird voting situation. Time had run out. Ballots had run out. Voting machines had broken down. I voted early, and today we'll see. Whatever happens, I know I made the right choice based on facts and not rumors. If the worst happens and Trump wins, it's not our fault.

We still struggle with not taking on the pain of the world, along with our pain as well. Be aware and care. But your well being comes first. If we had to emigrate, where would we go? I'm not sure. But it would be the second time in my case.

Fight symptoms. Constant exhaustion. But you don't have a choice.

Really Run Down

Even with trying to sleep in, you still feel exhausted. You fight to not dissociate by anticipating better if possible. This leads to fighting all day long. You can't do nothing, You have to protect yourself.

You don't want to fall apart.

Fight to Not Dissociate

Fighting symptoms all day long. Especially dissociating. It's like you try to see it coming more in advance, which makes you even more exhausted.

What else can you do?

Exhaustion

Almost no sleep last night. A psychiatrist appointment today. Then, the Cubs lose the Series. Oh well. Enough for one day.

Stay safe.

It's All Connected

Is my chronic heart failure getting worse? My appetite is going down. My energy level is going down. I'm trying to stay away from salt and sugar as much as possible. Also, screen everything to protect yourself from violently triggering stuff.

I can barely eat anything. I can only drink tiny amounts of liquid without being bloated all the time. No luck yet in getting an earlier cardiologist appointment. We'll see.

Fighting to Stay Grounded

Lots of pain today as we try to keep some sense of being grounded. You fight symptom and exhaustion is always there. But you keep going.

You Have to Protect Yourself

Another night with almost no sleep. This time, a break from nightmares. You wake up around 2 a.m. try to rest. Will this work? If you turn something on, you'll stay up all night. But sometimes you can't go back to sleep, and need some way to feel safe.

Is everything violently triggering? Right now it feels like it. You have to screen everything. Don't give into the voyuer part of you that wants to see listen or read something that you know will make you violently dissociate and then black out. Your system literally shorts out. Then when you come to, you have no idea where you are. Are you safe? Or, will you black out again.

You try to protect yourself. Some days you literally have no noise. But even at times like that, the pain is still there. There's no place to escape. You try the usual mix of tricks to reground yourself. But at times, nothing works.

What do you do then?

All day long you fight to scream and get pain out. You can't just sit back and do nothing. At the end of the day you're totally exhausted. But you also have a sense of temporary relief. You can focus and not feel like you're under attack.

Symptoms are always there. You can't just sit back and do nothing. You have to fight back.

Why are other people horrible? I don't know. However I do know that you have to protect yourself. You don't want to feel burned out, cynical and turn into a total monster.

But you have to protect yourself.

Am I responsible for stopping all of the pain in the world? No I'm not. If the worst happens and Trump wins, I know it's not my fault.

Protect yourself.

Screen Everything

Unfortunately you can't screen every triggering thing. But you try to protect yourself as best you can. Lots of pain and exhaustion. But no matter what, it's not your fault.

Protect Yourself

Trying to rest and pay attention to small things in how you feel. Part of it is also facing the total reality of how horrible your trauma history has been and continues to be. After being repeatedly raped between the ages of 8 to 10, I've had horribly severe PTSD symptoms. I've also had severe psychosis symptoms and an addiction to soft core porn.

Now, the porn addiction is gone. I still have psychosis symptoms at times. But it's still a battle. It's important to try and face your history as best you can, without endangering yourself.

You have horrible moments where you cry, feel depressed and get bombarded with pain. On the other hand,  avoiding it only makes it worse.

Protect yourself.

Trying Not to Dissociate

Almost no sleep last night. Today, it's been trying to focus and to not black out. You have flashbacks to abandonment, pain and how scary your trauma history has been and continues to be. But no matter what, don't dissociate. Don't fall apart and have no idea where you are.

Some days you have no noise. You just want peace and quiet. You don't want to be bombarded with pain. You have to face your history as best you can, as long as it doesn't endanger you in some way.  You want to feel safe.

Trying to Focus

Another day of fighting symptoms and exhaustion. Can I get any sleep? Almost never. Are my PTSD symptoms draining my chi? I think so. I'll talk to my doctor on Thursday to find out more.

In the meantime, you have to screen everything to protect yourself. You can't stop all triggering stuff. But you can't just sit back and do nothing.

I don't want to dissociate and vanish. Do something else. Don't give into letting your guard down. Protect your well being.

Lower Chi Today

My heart function rate goes slightly up. But my chi level is going down. It's a struggle to eat 3 small meals and drink something. What are the reasons? Not sure yet. Hopefully later this week we'll know more.

Trying to Balanace

Went to a cardiologist appointment about two weeks ago. My heart function rate is up to 45%. Still below normal (55-65%) though. Now, my function rate is up, but my appetite is going down. I used to be able to drink about 6 glasses a day. Now I can barely drink 3.

What's causing this? Also, my energy level is down. I can exercise, but it takes more out of you than before. Is my adrenal burnout affecting this as well? I'm not sure.

But I do know that in my case, dissociating is an addiction that I always struggle with. You think it's a way to escape pain. But it's not. It just makes it worse.

You just want to feel safe.

Face It Head On

Another day of symptoms and pain. Face your history head on as best you can. I really don't want to relapse and disappear. You have to protect yourself.

Don't intentionally put yourself in a situation where you might want to then dissociate and not know where you are. Protect yourself.

Severity of Symptoms

Fighting after another dissociative relapse to not set myself up again to fall apart. It's like any addiction. Violent dissociating only makes pain worse. But for so long it was an escape/addiction to try and escape from pain. But it didn't work.

Drug addicts fight to not relapse. In my case, dissociating is like binge drinking. Protect yourself. Do something else. Sometimes this means no sleep for 2 or 3 days at a stretch. It's the severity of your trauma history beating you really hard.

You don't want to fall apart. You don't want to disappear and not know where you are.

Regardless of what the causes are behind your history, protect yourself as best you can.

I don't want to go back to even worse pain.

Pain

Sorry to be offline for a while. But symptoms have been a real battle to deal with. The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying talks about facing your pain head on as best you can without endangering yourself. Denial and various ways to escape (drug use, gambling, junk food, sex, etc) will only make pain worse.

Right now, as best I can, I'm trying to not hide behind denial. I can't save the world all by myself. If the worst happens and Trump wins, it's not my fault. Obama says look the other way as powerful Afghans have sex parties and rape the s**t out of innocent little kids. Can I save them, all by myself? No I can't. How come millions of people want nothing to do with this ongoing crime? I don't know.

I just don't want to relapse and literally disappear. In the past, pain was so severe that I literally blacked out. Then, you suddenly wake up and have no idea of where you are. Your system literally shorts out from trauma.

I still have the full range of complex dissociative disorder (CDD) symptoms. It's a never ending battle to not dissociate and fall apart. But what other choice do I have?

You can't save the world all by yourself. Instead, protect yourself as best you can. Your well being comes first. Then deal with Trump, Hillary and all the rest of it.

More Exhaustion

Went to a doctor appointment today. What's causing the exhaustion? Is it a new heart problem? Or just my PTSD symptoms? It's like I can't shake it, no matter what. You're constantly fighting to not dissociate. You don't want to slip an go back to lots of salt an sugar in the diet. Then, you put on lots of weight and feel miserable.

Protect yourself.

Protect Yourself

Exhaustion all day long from fighting symptoms. You never get a break. When you get up in the morning, you have no energy.

What else can you do?

A Struggle

Battling to not violently dissociate and fall apart. When you have brief moments of clarity, there's also horrible depression. You don't want to hurt yourself or anybody else. But it's a struggle to not get trapped in that.

It's like the full reality of your trauma history relentlessly hits you. There's nowhere to hide.

Energy and More

Lately, every day seems like there's violently triggering stuff everywhere you look. Can't watch TV. Everything online has to be screened. Can't livestream tunes for more than about 30 seconds before we need a break. It's too much stimulus.

On top of that, my energy level is down. Appetite is down. It takes an enormous amount of energy to do tiny things.

Went to the latest doctor appointment. Turns out my heart functioning rate has gone up slightly. Still below normal though. Also, I have to have a new MRI to check one of my main heart valves. Then again, no need right now for more meds or surgery.

Are you getting any sleep at night? We try and yet we're lucky if you can sleep for an hour. When you can, it feels like every hour you wake up. Then you try to go back to sleep, and you pick up where you left off in your dream/nightmare/whatever. You know you're not crazy. You're not a threat to anybody. But you have to fight back to keep some sense of not dissociating.

You just want to feel safe.

Sorry to Be Away

Sorry to be away for a while. But the past week has been a real struggle with body pain and trying not to violent dissociate. It's like a migrane that never goes away, no matter what you do. You don't want to have a relapse and go back to lots of salt and sugar. Burnout makes you crave those things. But I don't want to fall apart.

One of my nieces made another suicide attempt, and will be out of the hospital tomorrow. While I try to be supportive from a distance, I can't handle her pain, mine, AND the pain of the rest of the world all at the same time. It's too much. I still at times have psychosis symptoms. You have to fight back to try and keep some sense of being grounded.

No cable news. Everything has to be screened. I don't want to relapse again with violent dissociating. It only makes pain worse.

Hope you're doing okay.

Bombarded with Pain

Nightmares are back. You fight to survive and then open your eyes. You try to focus and have some idea of where you are. Is this real or not? Are you dissociating or not? Sometimes psychosis symptoms happen. It's like your whole system is being assaulted.

You walk around in the dark and try to feel safe. Sometimes you go back to bed and try to get some sleep. Almost always you go back to the nightmares. Then, you turn on the TV with the sound down. That way you try to focus on something tangible. You're always run down.

Word on the radio interview is that a MP3 copy is on the way. Once I know how to find it online, I'll post it here. In the meantime, everything has to be screened. You feel like you're constantly being bombarded with flashbacks, images and pain. You have to fight to try and keep some sense of being grounded. Easy to say, but not always to do.

Am I responsible for saving the world from all of the evil people? No. But you still struggle with that. Instead, you try to protect your well being. Pay attention to small things in how you feel. Don't just blow everything off. Instead, if it's a threat, no.

Relapsing and violently dissociating only makes things worse. Try to not intentionally put yourself in a situation where you would.

Protect yourself.

Protect Yourself

Another day of struggling for rest and fighting symptoms. I go back in a week for my next cardiologist appointment. Closer is my father's back in the hospital again (due to his back surgery). The good news is his rehab is going ok so far. So he'll be ok.

Does it feel like violently triggering stuff is everywhere? You're not responsible for it. You can't singlehandedly save the world. You constantly feel run down. Small things take a huge amount of energy. but you know that protecting yourself comes first.

You just want to feel safe. You want to have control over your life. How's your struggle?

On the Radio

I did a new radio interview to be aired at 8 p.m. my time. Then, one of the producers emailed and said no, it's on at 6. Not 8. Managed to listen to the tail end of my interview. Then, I could only handle bits and pieces of the rest of the hour. Way too triggering. As soon as I have the link to it, I'll post it.

What else? The adrenal burnout never goes away. One aspect of that is that you always crave sugar and salt to rebalance your system. Or at least you think it will. However, being a heart patient I have to keep those as low as possible.

Dissociating is still a struggle. Especially when you try to wake up in the morning and focus. You have to really concentrate and then later in the day you start to have some balance. But it's still there. Sometimes you scream and fight to not fall apart. Just a sign of how severe my symptoms have been and continue to be.

Nightmares and body pain are still there. Circulation pain is at times all over. My cardiologist says that's a common symptom. But it's still frustrating to deal with.

I don't want to feel scared and vanish from dissociating. You have to fight to keep a sense of balance. You just want to feel safe.

A Struggle

When was the last time I got a decent night's sleep? I can't remember. Every night you try and end up waking up every hour. Then, you're always dragging thru the rest of the day. Plus, you're fighting all the other symptoms as well.

Constant exhaustion.

Dissociative Slip Up. Fight to Not Black Out.

Another struggle to not black out from dissociating. Had a slip up and had to fight REALLY HARD to get back to reality. You don't want to be stuck in an endless trap with no way to escape. You have to fight back.

You also struggle with how severe symptoms have been and continue to be. You're not weird, a danger to anybody else, or going to fall apart. But you do have to constantly fight to keep some sense of being grounded. It's still a struggle to know what's real and what isn't.

Trying to Focus

Another day of fighting symptoms and trying to not black out. You feel wiped out, but what else can you do?

Exhaustion and Speaking Out

All trauma survivors deserve to be heard. It's still exhausting to deal with symptoms. But earlier today I pre-taped an interview on a rape survivor radio show (to be aired later this month). Up to this point, I had done 6 (5 radio and 1 website). So how hard could this be? Meditated for a while beforehand to be able to try and stay grounded. Managed to get through it without any breaks. The show has a good reputation and helps a lot of people. So if I can be a part of that (and protect my well being), I'll do it.

More on this later.

Fight Hard to Not Dissociate

Another exhausting day of fighting to not dissociate. What's real and what isn't? You're exhausted, but what other choice do you have?

Fighting to Stay Grounded

Another night of almost no sleep. You try to go to bed and do all the right things beforehand. No spicy foods. No late night snacks. No late night triggering stuff. Don't intentionally put yourself in a position to dissociate and fall apart. Despite doing all of that, you still can't go to sleep. Wake up every hour and ask. Am I still dreaming, or dissociating?

Then, it's usually 2 a.m. You walk around the apartment in the dark and sit on the couch. Try to feel safe. But then, even if you try to go back to sleep the nightmares come back. You're always run down. You're always struggling to try and feel safe in your own home.

Right now, triggering stuff is everywhere. Death, destruction, Trump's racist shit. The media censoring sane and rational people like Jill Stein. How come she never gets anywhere? Not once do any of these media "pundits" ever say, I know! It's because we censor the shit out of her! That's why!

Am I responsible for stopping all of the evil and nasty people in the world? No. If the worst happens and Trump wins, is it my fault? No, it's not. But you still struggle with emptiness, abandonment, anger and more.

You don't want to hurt yourself or anybody else. But the pain is always there. You never get a break. Then again, the surest way to go to hell is to ignore your pain. Face your trauma history as best you can. So long as it doesn't hurt you in some way.

Why do lots of people say and do horrible things to you? I don't know. But I do know that everyone is responsible for what they say and do. Including them.

It's not my fault
It's not my fault
I did nothing wrong
It's not my fault
I'm not weird, strange, a freak or dangerous
I have no desire to hurt anybody. Including me
Why do other people say and do horrible things?
Can I trust anybody?
Is everyone lying to me?

I've never had one day free from PTSD symptoms. I don't know what that's like. But you can't just sit back and do nothing.

You just want to feel safe.

Be Careful

Triggering stuff is everywhere. Even if you go out, you have to focus first. Almost everywhere you look, everything is a threat. You fight to protect yourself, but you can't fall apart. You're exhausted, but you can't just do nothing.

Protect yourself.

Trauma Pain

Either trauma pain comes out in one way. Or, lots of others. Lots of pain, especially circulation pain. Stay away from stimulants, as much as possible. Also, protect yourself.

Focus and Run Down

Don't dissociate or black out. Exhaustion is always there. Tiny things take a huge amount of energy. Screen everything. Right now, way too much triggering stuff. We just want to feel safe in our own home.

Screen Everything

Exhaustion and fighting to not black out. Screen everything and protect yourself.

Burnout

Struggling all day with no energy. Everything's a struggle. Screen everything and protect yourself.

Violent Dissociating

No matter what, don't dissociate. It's a constant battle to not black out. You're always run down. But you have to protect your well being.

Screen everything and protect yourself.

Protect Yourself

Another day where it feels like everywhere you turn, it's sick and twisted triggering stuff. You can't catch every violently triggering thing. But it feels like nothing's safe.

It's not your responsibility to stop every evil nasty person. But being a survivor, you struggle with protecting yourself and others. You have to fight back. Even though there's no one else physically in the same small space as you, you have to protect yourself.

Do you still have torture flashbacks? We do. Ever thought about getting a gun and killing the psycho rapist that raped you and got away with it. In our case, three never got prosecuted. Filing any case won't work. No statute of limitations, and if it's not a guranteed conviction, no prosecutor will waste their time and resources on it.

You don't want to kill anybody. But the thought is there. And it is important to admit that those thoughts are there.

Anger. Abandonment. Nightmares. Torture flashbacks. Wondering if you can trust anybody. Body pain. Violent dissociating. Struggling to protect yourself.

It's not your fault
You did nothing wrong
Being repeatedly raped doesn't make you worthless
You feel worthless. But you're not

You just want to feel safe.

A Struggle to Focus

Many things to do today. Also, struggling to focus and not dissociate. Cleaning up our diet helps to a certain degree. On the other hand, not having destructive things to hide behind makes pain worse.

Screen everything. We still have days where we feel like we're being bombarded with too much stimulus. It's not our job to save the world. Be aware and care. But your well being comes first.

You scream and fight to not black out. In small spaces you fight to kill the psycho attacker that wants you dead. You can't sit back and do nothing. You have to fight.

There's never a break. Because you have to protect yourself.

Bombarded All Day

Pain all day. Exhaustion and fighting symptoms. Don't black out. Protect yourself. Don't dissociate.

You want to feel safe. But the pain never goes away.

Don't Dissociate

Exhaustion and fighting to not dissociate. Protect yourself at all costs. By the end of the day,you  can barely do anything.

But what choice do you have?

Pain and Exhaustion

Had another slip yesterday with dissociating. You feel like you don't know where you are. Then, you have to fight your way back to some sense of being grounded. You feel exhausted and bombarded with pain. But you have to keep fighting to not fall apart.

Screen everything and protect yourself.

Exhaustion

You try to wake up. But you struggle to do that and not dissociate. Since I got raped,  only once have I been able to do that. The rest of the time, it's a constant battle to not feel assaulted by noise and pain 24 hours a day.

No news today. No violently triggering stuff. Instead, try to protect yourself.

Small Things

You try to get thru your day. But it takes an enormous amount of energy to do the smallest things. Trying to wake up and not disssociate. Take a shower. Fix lunch. By the end of the day, you can barely move. But you don't have a choice.

You have to fight back. You have to try to keep some sense of being grounded.

Fighting to Not Black Out

Despair, anger, frustration and abandonment. You fight to try and keep some sense of being grounded. But everywhere you look, it's triggering stuff.

Despite that, you have to protect yourself.

Everything is Triggering

No TV. Screen everything. All of it feels like a threat. You feel like you're going to snap in two. Dissociating will only make pain worse.

No matter what, don't black out. Don't dissociate. Protect yourself.

Trying to Protect Ourselves

You try not to hide behind things that only make pain worse. This means that you try to face your history as best you can. It also means at times feeling paralyzed by anger, fear, torture flashbacks and more.

We know we did nothing wrong. We try to protect ourselves. This means right now no cable news. Also, almost no TV at all. Death, destruction, racism, rich and powerful pedophile rings. It's too much. You feel like you're the only person that sees all of the pain and what's really happening. On the other hand, you can't handle your pain and the pain of the world all at the same time.

Sometimes, you want no noise. You just sit quietly and try to focus on feeling safe. You're bombarded with violent dissociating and torture flashbacks. You try to protect yourself. But you still scream and fight to not black out.

We're stuck. Not sure what else to say.

What's Real and What Isn't?

Trying to pace ourselves as we get different things done. But we still struggle with nightmares, body pain and dissociating. What's real and what isn't? The pain of our trauma history and how it's still painful now leaves you feeling paralyzed.

But what else can you do?

Protect Yourself

Screening everything and trying to do several things at home. Pace yourself and don't black out.

But the pain is always there. You never get a break.

Focus and Try to Move

Trying to focus and not dissociate. Go in stages and try to do different things at home. No TV because it's way too triggering. Instead, protect yourself.

Don't black out. Screen everything, and protect yourself.

Don't Black Out

Trying to get things done at home. Pace yourself and don't dissociate. Don't black out. It won't make pain easier to cope with. Just the opposite.

Protect yourself.

Trying to Focus

More nightmares and exhaustion. Trying to focus on what's real and what isn't. Protect yourself.

No Breaks

Fight exhaustion all day long. You can't black out. Don't dissociate. Do something else. You can't sit back and do nothing.

The severity of your trauma history hits really hard. You don't want to hurt yourself or anyone else. But everything takes an enormous amount of energy. You try to take lots of breaks, but it doesn't help.

You want to feel safe.

Just Wanting Quiet

You have those days where everything feels like a threat. You can't watch TV, read anything or listen to the radio. Instead, you just want quiet. You just want to feel safe. You don't want to attack anybody. You don't want to hurt anyone.

But the anger is there. Abandonment. Body pain. Flashbacks. What's real and what isn't? It never stops.

Burnout

Almost no sleep at all last night. Then, you struggle to try and get out of bed and have some breakfast. Then, lie down again and try to be able to focus. Then hopefully you'll have some energy and can go into your day.

Sometimes it works. Sometimes no.

Right now violently triggering stuff is everywhere. Almost no TV at all today. There's no reason to watch and then to be violently triggered for days at a stretch. In the past, it took me almost 2 weeks to try and regain some sense of being grounded.

You have to fight back
You can't sit and do nothing
You have to protect yourself
You don't want to fall apart
You're always fighting exhaustion
You can barely get up and do the tiniest things

You just want to feel safe.

Severe Burnout

You try not to black out. But exhaustion is always there. The smallest things take an enormous amount of energy.

Protect yourself.

Don't Dissociate

Try to focus. Don't dissociate. But exhaustion is always there.

Fight All Day Long

Don't dissociate. Don't black out. You're always run down. Just exhaustion.

Trying to Fous

Lots of things to do today. But it takes an enormous amount of energy to go from one to the next. Triggering stuff is everywhere. You have to protect yourself. Screen everything and fight to keep some sense of being grounded.

You don't want to fall back on lots of sugar and other stuff to try and keep your energy level up. That just makes adrenal exhaustion worse.

Protect yourself.

Exhaustion

All day long, fight symptoms. Protect yourself from violently triggering stuff. You can't save the world all by yourself. But you can protect your well being.

Don't dissociate. I don't want to fall back into dissociative rituals and have no idea of where I am. A constant battle.

Constant Battle

Don't dissociate. It's a constant battle to try and focus. Flashbacks and body memory pain still happen.

Try to protect yourself.

Fighting to Not Slip

A rough day yesterday with fighting to not dissociate. If you do, it makes pain worse. Now today, lots to do, but the pain is still there.

Screen everything and protect yourself.

Trying to Focus

Nightmares still happen. This means waking up around 3 a.m., and then eating breakfast. After that, you try to go back to sleep. But the nightmares are still there.

You try to wake up, and battle to not dissociate all day long. Exhaustion is always there. You can't just sit and do nothing. You have to fight back to try and keep some sense of balance.

What's real and what isn't? You have to feel your way thru a lot of space to not feel many times like you're under threat. You never get a break.

You don't have a choice.
You have to protect yourself.

You just want to feel safe.

Lots of Pain

There's no place to hide. Denial, severe alcoholism, dissociating. You struggle with all of that. But you also try to face your trauma history as best you can.

You feel paralyzed. The smallest things take an enormous amount of energy. You struggle to know what's real and what isn't. You can't just sit back and do nothing.

You're always exhausted. But if you don't fight for some sense of being grounded, you'll fall apart. What other choice do you have?

You don't.

Focus 24 Hours a Day

How's your day? Here, it's like many parts of the world. Endless heat, concerns, and problems. In our case, no break ever in dealing with symptoms.

It's a struggle to check the I-can-save-the-world-all-by-myself pattern that's easy to fall into. Convince millions of people not to vote for Trump or Hillary? It's not my responsibility to make sure that each of them does their homework before they go to bed. Instead, you try to protect your well being.

Every day it's an exhausting battle to focus and not dissociate. In the past you thought it would help you to escape pain. Instead, it just makes things worse. At times you turn off all noise, sit on the floor and rock back and forth. You don't want to be bombarded with pain. You just want to feel safe in your own home and not literally fall apart. You don't know where you are or what time it is. You don't want to feel trapped.

You have nothing to hide behind. Dissociating, alcoholism or the rest of it. But the pain is still there. You still feel paralyzed and have to fight hard to not slip into a death wish. I have no desire to hurt myself or anybody else. But you still have to fight that "what if I wasn't here" thought. Would anybody care?

Would anybody pay attention?
Can I trust anybody? Or, is everybody lying to me?

You can't control other horrible people. But you can protect yourself. You have to.

Trying to Focus

Lots of pain flooding out. You have nothing to hide behind, and you fight hard to not black out. Or, to give into feeling totally black and it's just despair. Nothing else.

Don't Dissociate

Lots of triggering stuff today. You focus really hard to not dissociate. Yet at times you don't know what's real and what isn't. Which tells you how severe your symptoms have been and continue to be.

Protect yourself.

Focusing Really Hard

Today, focusing really hard to know what's real and what isn't. It's extremely exhausting, and you don't have a choice. Lots of walking around and feeling empty space to make sure that it is empty. A sign of how severe symptoms have been and continue to be.

Feeling run down and empty.

Struggle to Not Dissociate

We're focusing really hard to try and not to dissociate. Also to protect your well being. You feel paralyzed at times. You're run down and getting bombarded with pain.

You have to protect your well being.

Triggering Stuff and Lots of Pain

Screen everything. Today, lots of violently triggering stuff is everywhere. You can't save the world from all of the evil horrible people out there. But you can protect yourself as you stay aware.

Lots of body pain flooding out in various ways. One of the worst is lower back and hip pain. Is this arthritis? My GP says no. But on bad days I have problems walking.

What else happens? Nightmares, adrenalin surges and anal pain. Torture flashbacks. Bad days with anger and wanting to attack everyone. Not knowing what's real and what isn't. You have to focus really hard to try and keep some sense of being grounded.

You have to protect yourself.

Protect Yourself

More heat and more pain. Fight to not dissociate and black out. Exhaustion never goes away. I don't want to end up taking even more meds and risk severe addictions.

You have to protect yourself.

Something Else?

Fighting symptoms all day and trying to not black out. It's like permanent exhaustion. Do I have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (CFS) as well? Not sure.

Screen Everything

What's real and what isn't? It's an ongoing battle to try and not dissociate and then fall apart. You have to focus really hard, and then you're exhausted. But you don't have a choice.

Screen everything. Protect yourself and try to focus on things around you. It's still a struggle.

Get Out of Town

Happy birthday to us! Went out to lunch and then out of town to the beach. It was nice to just sit and try to not be bombarded with triggering stuff non stop. Symptoms still happen. So it's always a struggle.

Torture flashbacks still happen. Adrenalin surges happen. Pain comes flooding out. But you try and face it head on as best you can.

Protect yourself.

Pain Is Flooding Out

You try to focus and to not dissociate. But today pain is flooding out. You don't want to be hooked on lots of new meds (due to my severe addiction history). But it still comes out.

If it doesn't come out in one way, it will come out in others.

Nightmares still happen. You try to go to sleep, but you're lucky if you can sleep for one hour at a time.

Protect yourself.

Fighting to Not Black Out

Another day of fighting to not dissociate. Don't black out. If I do, will one of my multiples lash out? It's been a long time since they have. But blackouts still happen.

Protect yourself. Screen everything. Because you have to.

Being Bombarded with Pain

You try to go to sleep at night. You try not to have late night snacks, caffeine or watching violent triggering stuff. Despite all of that, you wake up every hour. Then it's almost 3 a.m., and what do you do then? Many times we try to have breakfast. Then, go back to bed. You still have nightmares.

All day it's a struggle to not dissociate and black out. Anal pain and torture flashbacks keep happening. Sometimes on bad days you just stay home and spend all day trying to not dissociate. You walk all over the apartment and check to make sure that the psycho rapist isn't there. You could dissociate and maybe escape pain? No, it doesn't work like that. You have to fight back and protect yourself.

Feel angry or abandoned? That still happens. You can't control what horrible people say and do. Instead, you try to protect yourself. You go elsewhere to try and get the help that you need.

You have to face your trauma history as best you can, without endangering yourself. What else can you do?

Emptiness and Fighting Back

Exhaustion. Fighting to not black out. Body pain that comes flooding out. But you have to fight back.

What else can you do?

Feeling Empty

You try to go thru the day and protect yourself. But you feel empty. You feel abandoned.

What do you do?

Came Back

Sorry to be away for a while. The past few days have been a real struggle to not disssociate and black out. You sit and look around the room, and ask: what's real and what isn't? But despite that, you have to fight back and not relapse. Just like an addict, your first response is it relieves pain. But it doesn't. It makes it worse.

Do your nightmares still happen? Lately, they're ultra violent. Everywhere you turn, somebody's trying to kill you. You have to constantly fight back. You can't trust anybody. If you don't fight back, you'll die.

Is anger still there? Some days you feel like you can't trust anybody. Everybody's lying. You feel abandoned. You have to protect yourself. What do you do?

Pain comes flooding out. Everywhere you look, it's violently triggering. Anal pain, body pain, torture flashbacks and more. It has to come out. If not in one way, in lots of others. You scream and don't want to fall apart. You have to fight back.

You can't just sit and do nothing.
You have to fight back.
You have to protect yourself.
You don't have a choice.

Sadness comes and you feel crippled. You don't want to hurt yourself or anybody else. What do you do?

You have to protect your well being. We're following the right things.

Protect Yourself (Contains Potentially Triggering Content. Read at Your Own Risk).

Lots of triggering stuff today, everywhere you look. Torture flashbacks. You scream in pain and fight to not black out and fall apart. Abandonment, pain and more pain. You have nothing to hide behind. Which means that it has to come out.

Screen everything, and protect your well being.

A Holiday. But Still Don't Dissociate

How has your 4th been? Here, it's try to chill out, yet protect yourself from dissociating and body pain. We now have nothing to hide behind.

Protect yourself and no matter what, don't dissociate. How do you cope with pain?

Protect Yourself

Into the holiday weekend, and trying hard to not dissociate. Part of this means screening everything. If you try to watch any TV, turn the sound down to avoid being violently triggered. Weird stuff comes out of nowhere. At other times you scream and concentrate to not black out from dissociating.

Do psychosis symptoms still happen? Sometimes yes. Someone's trying to kill you. Monsters are trying to attack you or destroy you. You can't just sit back and do nothing You have to fight back. You're exhausted and lie down at times in the middle of the day. But you can't just sit there.

Sometimes you don't know what's real and what isn't. You spend the whole day walking around at home at checking everywhere. No, there's nobody here. In the corner. Under the bed. Hiding in the shower. You have to protect yourself.

Can you single handedly save the world? No you can't. You're aware, but you check the impulse to take on the world's pain. You're alone is hard enough.

Do you feel paralyzed at times because you have nothing to hide behind anymore? Denial, dissociating, binge drinking and more. Now, we don't have any of that. This means at times you have moments of clarity. Then, pain that hits all of you. Sometimes you just sit and try to not black out from it. Don't attack anybody. You just want to protect yourself.

You don't have a choice.

Severity of Symptoms

We still struggle with how ultra severe our symptoms have been and continue to be. You just try to protect yourself.

Don't dissociate. Do something else. Protect yourself.

Screen Everything

Another day of fighting symptoms and to not dissociate and black out. It's like at times you don't know what's real and what isn't. You have to focus really hard to not black out. You don't want to disappear and have no idea of where you are or just not care about anything.

If we try to watch TV, it's with the sound turned down. There's too much triggering stuff that can come out of nowhere. At other times, no TV and just listen to peace and quiet.

How do you cope with checking your I can save the world all by myself impulse? We try to say being aware is okay. But nobody's paying us to do it all. Be aware, care and put your well being first.

You have to protect yourself.

Protect Yourself

Some errands today, and now some time at home to catch up online. You still have to screen everything to stop violently triggering content. If you watch any TV, turn the sound down and just read the crawl at the bottom of the screen. It's amazing how much your lip reading can improve if you do this.

Do you still have nightmares? We do. Sometimes you have moments of clarity. We can sit and watch something or listen for up to 5 minutes (versus 30 seconds in the past). But then you still have to have a break, because it's too much stimulus. You also then feel like all the pain in your trauma history is flooding out all at once. There's no buffer to protect you. On the other hand, this is scary but good. Better than going back to 24/7 violent unchecked dissociating. Then, you have to constantly fight your way out of being trapped in that cycle.

You can't stop all triggering stuff. But you can try to protect yourself as best you can. You feel exhausted all the time trying to stay grounded and not dissociate and black out. Blackouts still happen. That's just a sign that severe symptoms are still there.

Screen everything and protect yourself.

Try to Focus

The TV is on, but the sound is turned down. That's the only way I can handle it without being triggered. On bad days, there's no noise. I don't want to be bombarded with pain. I just want to feel safe in my own home.

Protect yourself.

Trying to Focus

Trying really hard to not dissociate or black out. If you don't, you feel run down and empty. It takes a huge amount of energy to do the smallest things.

Then again, it has to come out.

Fight to Not Dissociate

The full reality of how severe symptoms have been still happens. It's like the pain, nightmares and more flood out. You have to fight really hard to not dissociate or black out. It will only make pain worse. Do something else.

Protect yourself.

Trying to Rest

Today is chill out day for a while. Got a lot done yesterday, but we were really sore and run down. Today, maybe a nice walk in the park near our house.

Despite that, you still have to protect yourself. The reality of the severity of our symptoms continues to hit in various flashbacks and pain. Then again, it has to come out.

Protect yourself.

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Trying to Stay Grounded

Today, catching up on a lot of stuff. In the process, you also struggle with flashbacks. Many times to how severe symptoms have been in the past, and continue to be now. You know it's not your fault. You do your best to protect your well being. But you still struggle with pain.

It's not our fault. We did nothing wrong. You have no control over other horrible people. But protect yourself.

Back At It

Sorry to be off yesterday. A big emergency happened. The good news is that everything will be okay. But then I was in no shape to do anything.

We still struggle with symptoms, despair and nightmares. But you do the best you can to protect your well being. Cover everything and then see what happens.

Trying to Focus

Don't dissociate. No matter what, do something else. Also, screen everything to protect yourself.

How do you deal with the constant exhaustion?

Trying to Deal with Pain

Protect yourself as you go along. Try to screen everything to stop violently triggering stuff. Because you have to.

We don't want to fall apart. As much as possible, don't dissociate. Do something else. This can mean days just concentrating on holding onto solid things and not being bombarded with pain. But you do what you have to.

You just want to feel safe.

You Have to Fight Back

How's your 24 hour cycle (since this is a global blog)? Here, symptoms are still there. Nightmares, body pain, anal pain, torture flashbacks and wanting to attack anyone who gets in my way. How do you cope with all of that?

It's not a matter of zen bliss 24 hours a day. Instead, you're trying to have some sense of being grounded. On bad days with anger, you try to focus on going into a crowded place safely. But even if you do that, everything still feels magnified. Sights, sounds, colors, violent triggers and everything feels like a threat. Not everyone is a terrorist who wants to kill us. But you still have to be careful. Many times, that means just sitting and watching hundreds of people walk around you. Sometimes you sit for a long time. Then again, you have to do the responsible thing.

Same thing applies when you have split second thoughts about raping and killing little kids. I still believe that psychologically it's bad to deny that those thoughts exist. When they do happen (fortunately not for a long time), you try to protect yourself and others.

Just because those thoughts are there doesn't mean that they're true.
We have no desire to hurt anybody.
If we can't ground ourselves, we leave.

You can't just sit back and do nothing. You have to do the right thing.

Do you have thoughts about death? What if I wasn't here? Would ANYBODY care? When they do happen, you have to focus really hard to not get sucked into that downward spiral of thought. Otherwise, you feel like you're falling apart.

Do you still struggle with the severity of your symptoms? We do. Dissociative blackouts still happen. Thoughts about attacking others who treated us like crap. Then again, we're not responsible for what other horrible people do. They have to live with the consequences of their actions. Not us.

What effects does fighting symptoms every day have on you? You never ever have a break, and you can't just sit back and do nothing. Otherwise, you literally disappear.

You don't have a choice.

Don't Dissociate

Another day of fighting symptoms. Another day of fighting to not dissociate. You have to focus really hard and not black out. You don't want to feel scared and not know where you are.

The severity of your symptoms is equal to the severity of your trauma history.

Fighting to Not Fall Apart

A long day of fighting symptoms and at times feeling scared because you feel empty. You have to protect yourself as best you can. But you also have to fight to not dissociate and fall apart.

In my case, dissociating is like binge drinking. You think that it will let you escape pain, but it won't. It just makes it worse. You don't want to literally disappear. You don't know where you are. You don't know what time it is. And worst of all, you have to fight hard to not fall into the trap of just not caring anymore.

You scream and fight to not fall apart. You don't have a choice. If you don't fight back, it feels like you're literally be beaten down by horrible abuse. You have to fight back.

You have to protect yourself.
You have to fight back.
You have to protect your well being.

You feel exhausted all the time. But you don't have a choice.

Try to Focus

Fighting symptoms all day. Got a decent workout in today, despite the heat wave. Now, exhaustion. But at least it gives you some small relief at times from being bombarded with pain.

Time for some tea.

Fighting Exhaustion

Nightmares have come back. This means almost no sleep at all, and struggling in the morning. Throughout the day, fighting to not black out. You scream and try lots of things to ground yourself. But sometimes these don't work.

What do you do then?

You have to screen everything. Sometimes I lie down in the middle of the day because I'm just really run down. You don't have a choice. You have to fight back.

You have to protect yourself.

Fight All Day Long

You can't sit back and do nothing. You have to fight symptoms to keep some sense of being grounded. You feel exhausted and have to take lots of breaks. But what else can you do.

Screen everything and protect yourself.

Non Stop Fighting

Fight symptoms every day. Don't dissociate, no matter what. You're exhausted all the time and at times have to stay in to not dissociate and black out. You don't have a choice.

Enough for the day.

Fighting to Not Black Out

Another long week of fighting symptoms and exhaustion. You scream and fight to focus as pain hits. You have to protect yourself. At the end of the day, you can barely do anything.

But you don't have a choice. Nobody else will protect your well being.

Screen everything and protect yourself to be safe.

Sorry to Be Away

How has your week been? Sorry to be away for a while. But the past week has been rough with exhaustion from battling symptoms. Also, fighting hard to not black out. Do you have days when you scream and fight to keep some sense of being grounded? Dissociating only makes pain worse. So as best you can, you try to keep some feeling of being grounded.

Do nightmares still happen? They still do for us. At times, there are moments of clarity. But along with these come severe mood swings. You know none of this is abnormal in any way. Your symptoms are a reflection of your trauma history.

But the emptiness is still there.

What do you do next?

Try to Not Dissociate

Protect yourself at all costs. Keep your p/h balance in line. Screen everything. And see what happens.

You just want to feel safe.

Keep Your Balance

Enjoying your holiday weekend? If you don't have one, don't blame us.

Another day of fighting symptoms and exhaustion. You try to keep your p/h levels in balance to be able to cope better. But the symptoms are still there. Can't handle big meals anymore. If I overdo it, we then have no energy.

Even after that, exhaustion is still there. Also, a feeling at times like you're going to snap. You try deep breathing and other tools to keep some sense of balance. But you still feel heavy and exhausted.

You just want to feel safe.

Protect Yourself

Fight symptoms. Breath deeply and try to keep some sense of being grounded. Protect yourself at all costs. You feel sad at times, but none of this is abnormal in any way.

You want to feel safe.

Fight to Not Black Out

Aside from fighting symptoms, now we're dealing with severe mood swings. One way to cope with that is to try and keep your p/h level balanced. Despite that, it's still tough.

You just want to protect yourself. You just want to feel safe.

ProtectYourself

Fight symptoms all day and try not to black out. Mood swings are tough to deal with as well. Then again, none of this is abnormal in any way.

You just want to feel safe.

Don't Black Out

Fighting symptoms and pain all day long. Now, total exhaustion.

Protect Yourself

Triggering stuff is everywhere. Our advice? Screen everything. Why? Because weird triggering stuff can come out of nowhere. Sometimes it can take literally weeks to regain some sense of being grounded.

You can't control what others say and do. But you can use your awareness to protect yourself. Use it to your advantage. If your well being isn't first, you can't be effective in other things.

Maybe tomorrow is another no TV day? We'll see.

You Have to Fight Back

Tried to sleep in this morning, but we're still run down. Fight symptoms all day long. Body pain, scream and try to not black out from dissociating. Fight your way out of flashbacks, because you have to. You don't have a choice.

Dissociating makes pain worse. Do something else. Pain at times makes you want to black out. But if you do, what happens then? I still have blackouts where my multiples come out. The last time, one didn't lash out.  But the symptoms are still there.

You feel exhausted, but what choice do you have? You have to protect yourself.

Protect Yourself

Pacing ourselves as we do some stuff around the house. No TV (too violent and triggering). Listening/watching anything online is the same thing. Screen everything to protect yourself.

You go for a while, and then stop. Go back again, and then stop. At other times, you get bombarded with flashbacks, pain and fight to not black out.

We'll see what happens.

Run Down

A busy day of fighting symptoms and trying to not black out. In the middle of the day I lie down and hope that that will help. Sometimes it does, and sometimes no. But, what else can you do?

Nightmares and body pain still happen. Do you still have torture flashbacks? You try to feel safe.

Covering Bases

Lots of things to cover. Renewing part of my health coverage. A doctor's letter certifying that I have heart disease so I can renew my driver's license. Then, another Social Security disability letter. In the meantime, fight symptoms and don't black out.

You have to screen everything. Some days I don't want to be bombarded with pain. I can't deal with horrible stuff on TV. You have to screen all online content. You have to protect yourself.

I don't want to dissociate and disappear. But it's really exhausting much of the time to try and stay grounded. By the end of the day, you can't do anything. You never get total relief. It's always there.

But you do the best you can. Because you just want to feel safe.

Moments of Clarity

A long day of fighting symptoms, errands and trying to not black out from dissociating. Nightmares still happen. Sometimes you can't sleep. Sometimes you then get a break. But it's not really a break because they never go away. But you try to fight back and to not just fall apart.

Can you single handedly save the world? No you can't. You have days when you have to screen everything, and you can't watch/read/listen to anything. Then, it's just trying to feel safe. If I don't have to go anywhere, I stay home and just sit with a cold drink and listen to the quiet. You have to protect yourself.

Do you feel like you're about six steps ahead of the rest of the world? My intuition isn't perfect. But I do okay. The idea being the healthier you are, the more receptive you are. How's yours?

It's not your fault.
You did nothing wrong.
You have no control over other horrible people who treat you horribly.
You have to fight back.
You can't just sit back and do nothing.
Do you have days with nothing but sadness and feelings of abandonment?
How do you try to keep grounded?

You just want to feel safe.

Exhaustion

Fight symptoms all day long. You can't dissociate. Take lots of breaks during the day to try and focus your energy. But sometimes it doesn't work.

What then?

Trying to Focus

Don't dissociate. Trying not to feels like a really bad headache that won't stop. Then again, what else can you do?

Covering Bases

Time to catch up on a lot at home. Get rid of junk files and new writing on the laptop. Turn off all triggering stuff. Screen everything to protect yourself, because you have to. No matter what, don't dissociate. Do something else.

For whatever reasons, trying to focus right now is at times extremely painful. You scream and try to not black out in the process. Pain lashes out, and at times you don't know where you are. Violent unchecked dissociating for a long time was "normal". So naturally you wouldn't change that instantly overnight.

But the pain is there.
The nightmares are there.
The torture flashbacks are there.
Split second thoughts about attacking little kids.

You don't feel safe going out at times. You stay home and try to not only protect yourself, but others as well. You have to do the responsible thing.

But they still happen.

You just want to feel safe.

Don't Dissociate

Every day is really painful fighting to not dissociate and black out. You try and focus and at times you feel like you have a migrane that won't go away. On the other hand, you don't have a choice. You have to fight back.

Screen everything and protect yourself.

Don't Black Out

Screaming all day to not dissociate and black out. Then, you lie down because you can't do anything else. Then, it starts again.

No relief.

Bombarded with Symptoms

Don't dissociate. Adrenalin surges come in cycles. You exercise, watch your diet and try to keep some send of being grounded. You fight and scream to not black out. You have no death wise or desire to hurt anybody else. But you have no choice. You can't just sit back and do nothing.

There's no break.

Screaming to Not Dissociate

Fighting really hard for the past few days to not black out from dissociating. Nightmares still happen. You fight your way out of it and don't have a choice. Otherwise you feel like you'll just fall apart.

Do you feel like you don't know what to do? Everything seems to get weirder all the time? You try and screen everything to protect yourself. But even doing that doesn't always work. What then?

At times you have thoughts about, what if I wasn't here anymore? Would anyone miss me or care? You don't have a death wish, but the thoughts are there. You have to fight really hard to not fall into that trap of thinking. Now, on top of that deal with all of the other symptoms and pain that happen every single day.

What happens then?

You just want to have some sense of being grounded and not under attack all the time. You just want to try and feel safe.

Pain and Exhaustion

Constantly fighting to not dissociate. Exhausted and we try to lie down during the day to rest. No break.

Lots of Pain

Woke up in the middle of the night with severe circulation pain in my foot. Went to one of my GP's earlier today. She says it's blood buildup due to taking one of my meds. No exercise and as little pressure as possible on it while it heals.

There's circulation pain. Flasbacks. Torture flashbacks. Anal pain. Nightmares. Paralysis where you open your eyes, and you can't move. You have to focus your energy and try to shock your system back into working.

You just want some relief and to feel safe.

Fighting Symptoms

No matter what, don't dissociate. Do something else. You scream and fight to not black out. You feel wiped out all the time. But you have no other choice.

How do you cope?

Trying to Stay Grounded

Lots of struggle today (partly due to almost no sleep last night). A GP appointment, and then go home and rest. Symptoms are still there, and the constant battle to not dissociate.

Do you struggle with feeling like there's no hope? It's a constant battle and there's no escape. But you can't just sit back and do nothing.

You can't control other horrible people. But you can set boundaries and protect yourself.

You just want to feel safe.

Constant Battle

Sorry to be away for a few days. But the past week has been a constant daily battle to not dissociate or black out. From the time you wake up to the time to go to sleep, it's non-stop. Don't dissociate. You fight to not snap in two or black out. You have to fight back because if you don't, you'll fall apart.

You also struggle with adrenalin surges. You lose feeling at times in different parts of your body. It's like your balance is all messed up. But you can't just sit back and do nothing. You don't want to dissociate and black out. That won't stop pain. It will only make it worse. We still struggle with just how horrible being raped by three psycho pedophiles has been.

You have split second thoughts about what if you weren't here. You don't want to have a death wish. You don't want to just roll over and give up. Which means it's a constant battle. It feels like there's never a break. Every day is the same.

You don't want to die or fall apart. But you have to protect yourself. You don't have a choice.

You have to protect your well being.

Don't Black Out

Fighting hard to not black out or fall apart from symptoms. Adrenalin surges are still a problem. Being on a fixed income is tough for anybody. Especially at times when you have to decide between paying for medication and food for the day.

Right now, stay home and try to focus your chi. Then go out and see what happens.

Don't Dissociate

More fighting symptoms all day long. Now, we're trying to watch some TV, but with the sound turned down.    We can only take so much at one time. Try to stay grounded as you fight to not black out or deal with adrenalin surges.

Do you feel like you're going to snap sometimes? We just want to feel safe.

Fighting to Not Black Out

Fighting symptoms and to not black out. Body pain is still there. You fight to keep some sense of being grounded. Because you have to.

By the end of the day, you're totally exhausted and can't do anything. Butt you don't have a choice. You have to protect yourself.

Stay safe.

Fighting to Not Slip

A rough day with fighting symptoms and to not dissociate and fall apart. You scream and focus and fight to hold onto something tangible. You scream to get anger out and to then not black out. You don't have a choice. You can't just sit back and do nothing.

Now, just some late night writing and wanting to feel safe.

Exhaustion and Symptoms

Another day of fighting symptoms and trying to not black out. No horribly violent nightmares last night for a change. But the exhaustion is still there. You try to sleep in (unless you have to wake up early), and you're still run down. But what else can you do? I don't want extra medication or to be dependent on sleep aids every single night. I just want to protect ourselves.

Anger and frustration are still there. Will they ALWAYS be there? I don't know. But you have horrible days where you have to be careful to not attack anybody. You just try to protect yourself as best you can from what feels like endless pain. Pain is non stop, and you have to fight back. At the end of the day, you can't do anything.

You just want to feel safe.

Symptom

fighting symptoms all day, and almost no sleep last night. It's back to ultra violent nightmares. Why? It's my system's way of processing trauma? Not sure.

Just rest.

Fighting to Not Dissociate

Another day of fighting to not dissociate. If you're not careful, you can disappear and no have idea of where you are. You go back to horribly severe PTSD and psychosis symptoms

Enough for one night.

Trying to Focus

Another low chi level day. fighting hard to not black out from dissociating. The pain is still there too. Especially anal pain.

Trying to Stay Grounded

Trying to pay attention to small things in how you feel. Screen everything and protect yourself as best you can.

Still feeling run down.

In and Out of the Hospital Again

How have your past few days been? Here, I was in the hospital again. What happened? I had an arrhythmia attack. Apparently I had a ultra severe reaction to something that I ate that threw my pulse off. I could barely lie down, and then try to stand up and walk slowly. Called a nurse help line, and she said call 911. Called them, and the paramedics did an EKG which showed arrhythmia. Went to the hospital and went thru a long list of tests.

The good news:

No heart attack
No additional damage to add to the damage you're already dealing with

But now, my doctor's saying stay away from spicy food as much as possible. You're one of those sensitive type people to stuff like that. What's really bad about arrhythmia is that it can happen at any time. Even if you're sitting and resting.

Now, just rest. And lots of herbal tea.

Screaming to Not Blackout

Fighting all day long to not dissociate and fall apart. It's scary at times to try and focus on something positive. You can't just sit back and do nothing. You have to fight to focus.

Nightmares still happen. Body pain, torture flashbacks and adrenalin surges. You sit at times and just focus all day on trying to be grounded. You're exhausted, but you don't have a choice. You have to fight back.

Another night with no sleep? We'll see.

Don't Dissociate

Trying to not dissociate and have some sense of chi flow. But it's a real struggle.

Lots of Pain

I don't want to hurt myself, my multiples or my little kid. But right now it feels like EVERYTHING is painful. Horrible PTSD symptoms and psychosis symptoms as well. NOBODY listened or helped me for a REALLY LONG TIME. You have to fight every single day to not fall apart and die.

Everything hurts.

Struggle

A new doctor appointment, and back to the daily struggle with symptoms. Even if I try to sleep in, I'm still run down. My cortisol level is normal, but severe burnout is there. Will my doctor authorize further tests? We'll see.

We're getting bombarded at times with grief, sadness and abandonment. We did nothing wrong, but we still struggle. You try to protect yourself as best you can. But you still have to fight to not fall apart.

Don't dissociate.

Trying to Focus

Every day's another battle with symptoms and trying not to dissociate. When you have moments of clarity, you have to fight hard to not be bombarded with sadness, abandonment or falling apart.

You just want to feel safe.

Trying to Focus

A long day fighting symptoms. Especially dissociating. Also, almost zero TV today. Way too much triggering stuff is everywhere. Which means you have to protect yourself.

With meditation, we're up to 30 minutes a day. Part of it is using music as one of several ways to tap into your trauma energy. Exercise can help in some ways. But listening to tunes or even playing air drums (for those who don't like air guitar) feels like you're tapping into that energy in a safe way.

Sometimes in meditation you're bombarded with flashbacks and more. Then again, we just want to feel safe.

Have a nice night.

Protect Yourself

Lots of triggering stuff everywhere you look on TV. Online, it's more of the same. Our suggestion? Screen everything and do what's necessary to protect yourself.

Trying really hard to not relapse and dissociate. It's like going back to alcoholism. Do you really want that pain? No. That still means many times just staying home and trying to feel safe.

Have a good day.

Don't Dissociate and Rest

Tried to get some rest today after almost no sleep last night. Also, don't dissociate. Do something else. I really don't want to relapse and not know where I am.

Protect yourself.

Peace and Quiet

Always nice, but not always easy to find. Another day of fighting symptoms and dissociating. Sometimes you think you can have moments of clarity. Then despair and abandonment hit you all at once. What do you do then?

No noise right now. Everything on TV is way too triggering. The neighbors are quiet. No CD cuts, nothing. Just quiet. But then, flashbacks and dissociating can happen. Is it because my multiples think dissociating protects you from scary quiet? I'm not sure. But I do try to reassure them that it's my job to protect us. And nobody will attack us.

Let's see what happens.

Don't Dissociate

Have a nice Easter? The past few days have been a real battle to not dissociate. If I don't have to go anywhere, sometimes I stay home all day and try to stay grounded. This can mean walking around and actually feeling space around me to make sure that nobody is there.

Nobody's in the corner.
Nobody's hiding in the bathroom.
Nobody's hiding in the closet.
Nobody's hiding under the bed.
Nobody's hiding under the covers waiting to attack and kill me.
You could dissociate and disappear. But we don't want to feel scared like that.

You have to walk around and actually check to make sure. Flashbacks to horrible dissociating still happen. What's real and what isn't. You didn't ask for these problems. You didn't ask for non stop pain every single day. I don't know what it's like to have one day with no symptoms. No trauma pain? What's that?

Do you have abuse flashbacks? I know you can't control other horrible people and what they say and do. But you can set boundaries as best you can. You have to fight back. You can't just sit back and do nothing.

You scream and fight back because you don't want to fall apart.
Nobody else will help you. Does that mean that you can't trust anybody?

You walk around and try to use the space that you're in to protect yourself. What do things feel like? Are they hot or cold? Are they smooth or rough?

Nobody's there.
Nobody else in the room.
Nobody's going to break in and kill us.
We don't want to hurt anybody else.
We have no death wish.
We just want to feel safe in our own home.

Do you still have psychotic images? Do you see monsters or some other horrible thing trying to attack and kill you? Even with cleaning up our diet, we still struggle at times with these.

We're not a threat to anybody. Sometimes we have fleeting thoughts about killing everyone who raped us and treated us like shit. But we know that won't solve anything. Instead, realize that as scary as that is, it's normal that those thoughts are there.

We just want to feel safe.

Symptoms and More

Another appointment and lots of fighting symptoms. But the psychiatrist was helpful as symptoms are a constant battle.

Don't dissociate. Do something else.

Fight All Day

Fight symptoms all day long. Lots of screaming as we fight to not dissociate. Then, exhaustion.

Exhaustion

Fighting symptoms all day. By the end of the night, I can barely move. What else can you do?

Battling Symptoms

Lots of struggle right now with symptoms and exhaustion. You scream and fight to not dissociate and fall apart. You get hit with body pain and severe body memory. You're freezing and struggling to stay warm. Even though it's a warm day.

You don't have a choice. You have to fight back. But you also keep in mind that it has to come out. If not in one way in lots of other bad ways.

You're not abnormal in any way.

Symptoms and More

Another doctor appointment today. Now I can hear again! Tonight, stay home and do some stuff online as I watch a good NBA game.

How's your battle with symptoms? It's not our fault. But you gave to fight back.

Protect Yourself

Lots of fighting to not dissociate and to protect yourself. We don't carry a knife in our bag when we go out. But we do carry mace.

You scream and have to fight back. At the end of the day, you can barely move. But what else can you do?

Exhaustion

Trying to get thru the day and struggling with symptoms. Especially exhaustion. I finally had my cortisol test. Hopefully soon I can have my doctor explain the results.

In the meantime, fighting hard to not dissociate and black out.

Struggling With Exhaustion

Almost no sleep at night. Nightmares and body pain still happen. Then, it's a struggle to focus and get thru the day.

I'm not avoiding you. I'm just struggling to try and cope.

Trying to Keep Some Sense of Balance

Some errands today, and then trying to focus on keeping some sense of being grounded. A part of it is your p/h balance. If you can keep that okay, then the symptoms sometimes are a bit easier to handle.

More tests this week to find out more about diabetes.

Away for a While

Sorry to be away for a while. The past few days have been exhausting in trying to keep some sense of being grounded. Not always, but at times you struggle to focus on what's real (instead of what's not). No, there's nobody there. I'm sitting on my bed. I feel the texture of the quilt beneath me. There's nobody over in the corner. I could dissociate and have someone over there. But I  don't want that. I want real people. Not images on a screen. I don't want to go back to unchecked violent dissociating.

Every day you have to fight to not fall back in patterns of abuse. Every day you got hammered with abuse. There was no escape. Nobody helped. You have to fight back. Does anybody care? You never get a break.  Either you fight back to maintain some sense of normalcy and sanity. Or you fall apart.

Does it feel like the world's gone insane? It's not my responsibility to single handedly save the world. If I could, that's great. But I can't. Instead, you feel like you're about six steps ahead of everybody else. It feels like the quality of many things keeps going downhill. So you do your best to see that and fight to keep some sense of sanity.

You don't want to fall apart. You have to fight back. Every day. Because you don't have a choice.

Trying for More Stability

A scary day yesterday. Had a big slip in dissociating and for a while, I didn't know where I was. What time was it? None of that mattered. Just escape from the pain that never goes away. But then, we finally fought back and found our point to fight back from. You have to reassure yourself over and over that you're not psychotic. You're not insane. You're not a danger to anybody. You're fighting to keep some control over your life as best you can.

Today, a little more stability. You still have crushing despair and abandonment when you have brief moments of clarity. But you try to remind yourself that we did nothing wrong. Trauma  has to come out. If not in one way, it comes out in others. Also, it's NOT being a professional patient (whatever that means). It's doing important work.

Protect yourself as best you can.

Try to Protect Yourself

Lots of triggering stuff out there. Screen everything and protect yourself as best you can. We still struggle with dissociating and other symptoms. When moments of clarity happen, despair and abandonment also happen as well.

It's like you have to look really hard to find something positive. 99.999% of it is horrible pain. You used to have lots of destructive stuff to hide behind. Now you don't. Which means that it has to come out in some way.

Sometimes we feel paralyzed. We just sit and rock back and forth to try to and feel safe. We did nothing wrong. But nobody helped us. Can we trust anybody? We don't want to fall into a trap of being burned out and angry.

We just want to feel safe.

Trying to Have Some Sense of Energy

A real struggle today to have some energy flow. We managed a good workout. Also, sometimes doing that helps to deal with PTSD symptoms to a degree. We just don't want to have a relapse and black out from violent dissociating.

It's scary to try and face our trauma history when it includes psychosis symptoms. It's almost like you have to fight really hard to find some happy moment. A horrible daily struggle to not fall apart.

Don't Dissociate

Trying to work out as much as possible every day. UNLESS I have chest pain or no energy. That way, maybe it might be easier to deal with adrenalin surges and other symptoms. We'll see.

With moments of clarity come feelings of abandonment and flashbacks. And paralyzing fear. What then?

Feeling Run Down

Another appointment today, and we talked about drug interaction with other stuff in your system. Now, being high risk for Type II diabetes, this means as little sugar as possible. Today I've had some to try and have some energy. But it's all interconnected.

I'm just trying to protect us.

High Risk

Two more appointments today. The GP says that I'm high risk for developing Type II diabetes. Because of liver damage, it's functioning at a diminished level. Which means tiny amounts of sugar could mess up your glocose level.

Now, more changes to the diet. I'll talk to my doctor tomorrow for more.

Appointments and More

5 appointments this week. We're trying to get some sleep, but not much luck. I wake up every few hours, and then what do you do? Try to focus and have some sense of energy.

How is your trying to protect yourself? Does it feel like you're being bombarded all the time with pain? That's the flip side of moments of clarity. Then, you have nothing to hide behind.

Sometimes I just sit and try to not dissociate. You're being bombarded with a million different images, and you don't want to black out. Sometimes that's my whole day. Fight to not black out.

What else can you do.

Focus

Another day of fighting symptoms. Adrenalin surges are getting worse. It take about 20 minutes to put my socks and shoes on. You have to focus really hard to have some sense of feeling in your feet. Then, no matter what, don't dissociate.

Lots of breaks. Then, back to it.

Trying to Focus

Catching up on things to do at home. Also, trying hard to not dissociate. Sometimes when you have moments of clarity, the thought hits for a second. What if I wasn't here? You don't have a death wish. The thought just comes to mind. Then, you have to fight hard to not get trapped in that cycle of flashbacks and dissociating.

We just try to protect ourselves. We also try to remember that our well being comes first. Not the other way around.

Some Moments of Clarity

Sometimes you feel like you get a brief break,  and can have some clarity. But then, abandonment and other terrifying things happen. Anger still happens, and you feel like you're going to snap in two. But you have to keep going.

At the end of the day, you just want to lie down and not be bombarded with anything. No noise, no pain. Just to feel safe.

Trying to Focus

Another appointment today which meant getting up REALLY EARLY to make it in time. After that, some shopping and then back home to do some workout. Now, we're trying to stay away from sugar as much as possible. But it's tough.

Flashbacks still happen. Body pain, anal pain, dissociating; they're all still there. When moments of clarity happen, you feel sad and abandoned. You can't save the world from all of the evil horrible people. But you try to protect yourself first.

Don't dissociate. Do something else. I don't want to disappear and not know where I am. You don't have a choice. You have to fight back.

Stay well.

Facing Your Trauma History

One thing I've tried to do is to face my trauma history as best I can (without endangering myself, my multiples or little kid). You have moments of clarity which also mean abandonment and body pain. You try to deal with how horrible your history has been. But you don't know what to do.

We don't want to hurt ourselves or anybody else. But what do you do when almost no one ever tried to reassure you that it wasn't your fault. You know that it wasn't. But almost no one will touch you or try to reassure you in any non threatening way.

What kind of effects does that have on someone?

You just want to feel safe.

Pay Attention

As you fight symptoms every day, you also try to not black out from dissociating. Sometimes, you don't know what to do. But you try to keep some sense of being grounded.

Your energy level is really low. But pay attention to tiny things in how you feel. How things affect you. Not that it's just second nature. But how it affects your system.

Stay well.

Appointments and Trying to Focus

Because of trying to come back from a cold, low chi flow is affecting my blood clotting med. This means take lots of breaks and try to protect yourself from being bombarded with triggering stuff.

How's your intuition right now? I'm not always right. BUt the idea is the healthier you are, the sharper it is. Lately it feels like more and more stuff is going downhill. More people are blatantly lying (especially in the Presidential "race"). Is it my job to save the world from the evil nasty people out there? No. But I will speak out . ONLY if it doesn't damage my well being.

We just want to feel safe.

Don't Dissociate

Finally a little more energy today. I still have symptoms to deal with. But as much as possible I don't give into destructive dissociating. It only makes pain worse, not better. As for screening everything, that always has to happen to protect yourself. You see patterns and say why am I doing this? This is only making things worse. Do something else.

You still have to scream to try and get anger out without blacking out. You come home totally wiped out. But there's a sense of relief as well. As for other violently triggering stuff? It's not my job to monitor all of this crap 24/7. It's not.

Protect yourself.

Now Hopefully a Little More Energy

Sorry to be off for a while. But the past week or so has been really rough. I've had almost no energy at all. Is it because of the flu? My heart disease? My PTSD symptoms? A combination of everything hitting me at once? I'm not sure. I had one big thing to do yesterday. After that, come home and go to bed since then. Now, I can actually sit up and go back to doing things. I still have to take lots of breaks. I'll ask my doctor at the next appointment and find out hopefully more.

One thing that helps to be screen everything for triggering content. You can't catch everything. But as reasonably as possible, try to protect yourself. I still struggle with being bombarded with flashbacks and fighting to focus and not black out. Sometimes, grounding techniques work, and sometimes they don't. But you do your best.

Stay safe.

Bombarded with Pain

More horrible nightmares. You fight your way through it, and still that's not enough. You have to fight back, or you'll die. It doesn't matter that it's a nightmare. You have to fight back. Then, you open your eyes and what then?  Now, you try to rest and feel some sense of being grounded.

How do you deal with your trauma pain? On bad days I have to turn everything off. I want to feel safe from being attacked. Every day it's non stop fighting dissociating. You try to face your trauma history as best you can. But the pain is still there.

What do you do then?

Fight to Not Fall Apart

More struggle to deal with symptoms and not black out. There are moments of clarity. But there are also moments of despair and abandonment. You don't want any noise. You just want quiet and to not feel threatened.

You also have to fight dissociating all day long. As you do, sometimes it helps also to deal with adrenalin surges. They're all still there. What else can you do.

Nightmares still happen. There's no set pattern to them. But at times it's because of mixing too many spicy foods. That in turn affects the trauma energy that's trapped in your system. All the way down to a cellular level.

One of the biggest struggles is facing how severe your trauma history has been, and continues to be. It's like non stop pain. You want at times to just sit and not be bombarded with stimulus and pain. You just want to feel safe.

I want to feel safe in my own home.

Protect Yourself/Emptiness

Screen everything. You can't stop all sick triggering stuff. But as reasonably as you can, screen to protect yourself. In the past, at times it took a week to stop from violently dissociating. Now, at times we have some clarity. But then crippling abandonment and emptiness.

You just try to keep some sense of being grounded.

Try to Focus and Sadness

No matter what, don't dissociate. Do something else. Even when I go into crowded places, I still have problems with flashbacks and fighting to not black out. Sometimes I sit and think to myself, I just want to sit here and feel safe. Not threatened and bombarded with pain. Sometimes it doesn't work. What do you do then?

You can't save the world from all of the evil and horrible people. But you can protect yourself.

Clarity and Emptiness

You have some moments of clarity. But then crippling emptiness and feeling abandoned. Despite that, we did nothing wrong. If others are cruel and want nothing to do with us, that's their problem.

Don't Dissociate

Trying to rest enough to deal with the constant stress of symptoms. Stay away from salt and sugar as much as possible. Keep your p/h balance set, and it helps to have more energy at times. Not always. But you can notice a difference.

You have moments of clarity. But then horrible emptiness and not knowing what to do next. What else can you do?

Trying to Focus

We're getting out and getting things done. But there's also a lot of exhaustion as well. Just try to stay away from junk food, salt and sugar as much as possible.

There are moments of clarity. But then crippling sadness and emptiness. What do you do then?

Sorry to Be Away for a While

How's your weekend looking? Sorry to be gone for a few days. I was so exhausted that it was two days of go out if necessary. Then, go back home and rest. Now, some nice decaf tea with lemon.

As for the other violently triggering garbage happening in the world, protect yourself as best you can. These days, I need a break after 30 seconds or so. Even with listening to tunes, at times it's too much stimulus. You need a break from it.

I used to have lots of destructive stuff to hide behind. I thought it would protect us from pain. But, it only made it worse. Now, we still struggle with denial. But it's not as severe as it used to be.

That doesn't mean that you don't have bad days when you're bombarded with pain and flashbacks. Also, thoughts:

How come we didn't fight back?
How come we didn't kill all three of the psycho rapists?
Why did we freeze?
How come we can't get victim compensation? These crimes don't "officially exist". Therefore, you're ineligible.
How come it feels like nobody wants anything to do with us? Not everybody's evil. So why does it still feel that way?

At times, you really struggle to try and find something good in all of your trauma history. We have no desire to hurt ourselves or anybody else. But those thoughts of what if we weren't here? Would anybody care still happen.

On bad days, you struggle to not literally feel like you're disappearing from the pain. Every day, non stop abuse. Nobody will listen to you or help you. You're telling the truth. But nobody's doing anything.

You don't want to hurt yourself or anybody else. But thoughts about getting a gun and killing everyone who treated you like shit are there. Threatening to kill the psycho rapists that got away with their crimes. You wouldn't kill them. But you just want to see a split second of terror in their eyes. Maybe that might come remotely close to what you're dealing with.

Do you still have pain every day? In my case, it's also heart disease (circulation pain). One minute you feel like you have some energy. Then, nothing.

You try deep breathing and other ways to feel grounded. But many times they don't work. What do you do then?

Anal pain. Circulation pain. Chest pain. I've tried some pain killers, but they didn't help. Now, I've asked one of my doctors about different herbs instead. We'll see what she says.

You can't control what others say and do. But your well being comes first. Then, save the world.

It's All Interconnected

Yet another day of fighting symptoms and trying to exercise as much as possible to burn off some trauma energy. Trauma is stored energy in various parts of your body (all the way down to a cellular level). Add to that trying to stay away from salt and sugar so you don't make it worse.

Even with doing that, we still struggle with trying not to dissociate. You have nothing to hide behind. Which means that at times you get hit harder with flashbacks. You scream and try to not black out. What else can you do?

You just want to have some sense of being grounded. But in the process, you don't want to fall apart.

Trying to Rest and Not Dissociate

Symptoms are still there. We're fighting hard to not dissociate and black out. You're exhausted, and don't want to slip back into lots of junk food that will make everything worse. But what else can you do?

More blood tests are on the way.

You Have to Fight Back

Another day of fighting symptoms and trying to stay grounded. We're also trying to not have a major junk food relapse. You always feel run down, but don't want to put on lots of weight and then feel even more miserable.

Time to clean.

Don't Be Drugged Out

Everybody has their own trauma history and factors involved in it. Everybody heals at different rates. Also, everyone has different treatment that they follow. Should you take medication or not? My view? If my life depends on it, that's one thing. But if not, my preference is don't take it. Do something else.

By trying to take less and not more, I feel that I've made more progress in dealing with my trauma history. Like the saying goes, the surest way to go to hell is to avoid your trauma history. Denial doesn't work. Being drugged out only makes it even harder. So why would you do that?

We still struggle with bad days in trying to get anger out. Blackouts still happen. Adrenalin surges still happen. Also body memory pain. You scream and try to not fall apart. The anal pain is body memory. The psycho rapist's penis with no condom is not inside your anus. But you still have to struggle with that.

Don't dissociate.
Do something else.
Dissociating will only make the pain worse.


You have to fight to keep some sense of being grounded. You don't have a choice. But you also feel scared at times in facing how horrible your trauma history has been. You really have to work to try and find some moments of happiness. You feel bombarded with pain, and don't know what to do.

Does this happen to you? Watch this.