Thursday, January 31, 2013

The Following Takes Place Between 9 and 10 p.m.

Sorry to be away for a while. We'll try to post regularly.

How's your time zone been this past week? How's your balance? In our case, it's a matter of trying to deal with the full reality of the severity of being raped.

It feels at times like everything is hitting at once. There's despair, abandonment and feeling like almost everything is black.

Does anyone want to admit that we exist?

On the other hand, we're trying to say thanks for many things that are improving. Feeling like you have control over your life again. Now we have the fulltime job to build part time hours around. We have our home.

However, we also have PTSD symptoms.

Then again, it's not our fault.

A suggestion. Regardless of where you are in your healing, please don't cut yourself off from support that listens to you and helps.

Have a great 24 hours.

Thursday, January 24, 2013

It's a Real Mix

Some great news and sad news, all at the same time.

The great news? I finally found a fulltime job. Pretty steady hours, good money, one location (so no killer commuting). Also, as long as they don't conflict, I can do a part time job for extra hours.

The scary news is that there's sadness, anger and frustration. It feels like a million different things are hitting all at once. Does anyone care that I've fought incredibly hard to get to this point? You feel like 99% of the world says we don't care. What do you do?

We start next week. This means having control again over your life. Pick up the extra hours and then save money, go back to therapy and then start to pay back people you borrowed money from.

All positives.

Despite that, we're still struggling with sadness and trying to keep our sense of balance.

How's your day/afternoon/evening?

Sunday, January 20, 2013

Ideas on Coping

A scary night last night. Why? It felt like all the terror of being raped and completely abandoned hit all at once. You don't want to hurt yourself or anyone else. Despite that, a feeling of being this close to saying what's the point is there.

Today, it was still there. You go out and do things, but you still feel completely empty and terrified. Everyone we trust says the same thing. Considering what's happened to you, this is completely normal. Terrifying, but normal.

You also have to screen everything. Without going into all the specifics (which defeats the purpose here of not intentionally triggering others), it feels like the rest of the world is saying we don't care what you think. We're going to microanalyze this and beat it death for ratings as long as we can. Which means turn it off and go elsewhere. A suggestion. Even if you're totally wiped out from a long day, don't fall into the trap of not protecting yourself. Because nobody else will. If you do have to watch something, try turning the sound down.

The emptiness is still there. On the other hand, so are we.

Saturday, January 19, 2013

Staying In and Warm

How's your week been? Sorry for the gap, but it's been rough.

I'm still on benefits (got cut but for a longer period of time. It balances out?). Symptoms are still there. Lately, despair and feeling abandoned. I'm still covering all the bases I can. Having said that, at times you just sit and don't know what to do.

How do you cope? It's not my fault. I know I'm telling the truth when I talk about being a rape survivor. If others have a problem with that, that's their problem. Being a rape survivor is part of but not the defining thing about me.

Also, I'm not a failure. Keep going.

Sunday, January 13, 2013

Let's Focus

Hi. Sorry to be away for a while. The past week's been really long and hectic. 5 job interviews and struggling to balance that with symptoms. How do you focus and not cry in the middle of a job interview?

It seems like triggering stuff is everywhere. Can you trust anybody or anything? Much of the time I feel like I'm about six steps ahead of everybody else. Am I the only person that sees that this isn't normal? Am I the only one that sees that this needs to stop? Yet, it goes on because that's how the "real world" works?

Not always, but at times despair and feeling abandoned are there. You don't want to hurt yourself or anybody else. Despite that, it feels like all the pain and frustration of being a rape survivor is hitting all at once. How do you not feel abandoned? How do you fight back so it doesn't feel like everyone who laughed at you and treated you like dirt is trying to beat you down so you'll just shut up? You didn't ask for this. But that doesn't matter?

Body pain and violent dissociating still happen. You go out, drive somewhere and feel like you're in downtown Kabul. Is everything and everyone a threat? Is the person walking in front of you carrying a semi-automatic and will kill you? Is the person next to you a psycho rapist that will go down on you, cut your throat, rape you and then laugh about it? Will anybody listen to you or help you? What do you do when you feel like nobody will listen?

When you try to ground yourself and you can't, what does that do to your system? How are you supposed to function when your feel totally wiped out all the time?

Meditation and other things can help in different combinations. Then again, what happens when they don't? The fear and despair is there. If everyone says just shut the f**k up and go away, what do you do then?

You can't control what others do and say. On the other hand, being a normal human being with emotions, you're not a light switch. Just turn all of this off and it magically goes away?

How do you cope when you literally can't move? Either because you're exhausted from trying not to black out. Or, from despair?

I could go around the corner to a liquor store and get almost anything I want. What good would that do?

Protect yourself as best you can. If something feels bad, it probably is. Therefore, trust that and do something else.

I know I'm not "weird" in any way. I'm not psycotic, deranged and I don't have any type of disability. I just want to be able to have some sense of balance and not feel under attack all the time.

Now, how do you do that when it feels like 99% of the world just doesn't care?

Monday, January 7, 2013

Can You Do This?

It's an interesting mix. I'm following some non-triggering stuff online as I write. Normally I'd be eating the usual 2 lb. bag of Doritos and drinking 2 liters of Pepsi. Which would mean no sleep for about the next two days. However, right now no caffeine or refined sugar. Instead, be aware of the effects of it.

Another long day of endlessly fighting dissociating. Despair is still there, and at times feeling abandoned. You literally feel like there's nowhere to turn. You don't want to hurt yourself or anyone else. What do you do?

We've tried to protect ourselves as much as possible. Unintentionally I ignored my multiple personalities and little kid. Eventually though we learned to trust each other, and now we value that. If I have to change something, I never talk down to them. Instead, I always explain what's happening and why it's necessary. It's my job to protect us. Nobody else will.

Howver, on bad days you don't have an explanation. How come nobody will admit that we exist? I'm not sure. It feels like everything is triggering. Is everything and everyone a threat? Your fight-or-flight mechanism is stuck, and you feel like you're going to snap from anger not being able to get out.

Now, do this and everything else you have to do every day. Look cool and calm on the outside, while on the inside you're this close to attacking anyone who gets in your way.

You don't want to get a gun. You don't want to do time for murder or assault. Yet, the anger is there.

Can you literally trust anybody?

Friday, January 4, 2013

Free Global Coping Methods

It is Friday (at least in this time zone). How's your weekend looking? Right now, here it's stay away from all triggering stuff as much as possible. Lately, I feel like I'm about six steps ahead of the world. Which can be a trememdous timesaver.

I'm still struggling with abandonment and other PTSD symptoms. No word about the potential new therapist. You feel at times like you're literally paralyzed with despair. I didn't ask for this. I don't want to hurt either myself or anyone else. Why then do I feel like nobody cares?

You don't want to turn into some horrible burned out person. You're not trying for perfect 24/7 bliss. Just a sense of balance.

Another part of it is struggling with the idea of I can save the world from all of the evil people. It would be great, but you can't do it. This means your health comes first. Then, deal with selective activism.

As I switch and try to stay away from triggering stuff (old favorite foods and other things), staying off of caffeine and sugar seem to be the two biggest improvements. Now, meditation is actually easier at times.

If you have sharp intuition, it can feel like you're getting bombarded with stimulus. In a crowded place, it's like trying to listen to every radio station on your stereo all at the same time. How then do you filter this?

It takes practice. Try and focus on one person. For people with severe dissociating, it can be hard to not focus on the other person as you're talking. If that still happens, don't beat yourself down because of it. Instead, just build up your focus as you go. Build the conversation around a mutual interest.

Maybe that's one of the best tools to use. Whatever the trauma is, it's not your fault. Everyone has different things to heal from. The point is that right now you're trying to cope as best you can.

Fear, abandoment, dissociating and all the other symptoms are still there. On the other hand, I'm really working on taking things in small 10 second splits. Keep in mind though that none of it is your fault. None of this is "abnormal" in any way.

Back to work.

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

Speak Out Globally

Here it is, Day 2. And already there's triggering stuff everywhere you look. We had nothing to do with it.

Our suggestion still works. Unless you have to deal with something due to work, why look/listen to or read it? Your intuition is saying this is bad because it's right. This doesn't mean never have fun. Instead, look at the effects of things on you.

Why are you doing this? Is it because it's an escape from pain? Is it because you need it to live? Or, is it because it's second nature and nobody's ever asked you about it before? The cleaner your system is, the more receptive you are. Why not use your inutition as a tool in a good way?

Had two job interviews earlier today. The bad news is while I didn't get it, they liked my background and said call back in a month. We might still need people. Now, it's keep moving and always have as many options as possible.

Another thing to struggle with? How to be heard as a survivor without being in a dangerous position in the process. If it feels like almost no one will admit that you exist, how do you change that?

Create your own outlet(s). While you may not have the megabudgets that the giant global corporations have, you don't need that. Why? Because the rule of quality content leads to word-of-mouth promotion applies. I've never made money off of this blog. No giant  media conglomerate has called and made an offer. Even if they did, I wouldn't sell it. Why? Because corporate profit off of peoples' pain isn't cool. What Google Ad sense ad would YOU put on a blog about various types of trauma?

When I started this, almost no major media outlet would touch this idea. Finally I said, right. I'll beat you at your own game. I'll also do it with no overhead. Can any of those OTHER sites say that? No, they can't.

Don't misunderstand. Just like any other trauma survivor, I want a sense of balance. Part of that is being heard. Thanks for the support and I hope this helps you to be heard as well.

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

The First One

How's it looking so far? Tried to catch up on sleep and get ready for a job interview tomorrow. Anger and abandonment are still there. You also have to deal with not wanting to feel cheated as well.

We try to keep in mind that it's not our fault. Also, we have no control over what others say and do. However, we will stand up to protect ourselves without sinking down to someone else's level.

Have a great night.