Friday, February 27, 2015

Bombarded with Pain

We're rocking back and forth, trying to not fall apart from being bombarded with pain. We told people we got raped, and nobody helped us in person. We don't want to hurt anybody else or ourselves. But nobody did anything.

Stay in. Rock back and forth. Don't dissociate.

Wednesday, February 25, 2015

Burnout Part 2

No sleep last night. Today, burnout and just stay home. Try to rest, and no saving the world.

Monday, February 23, 2015

Getting Hit Hard

Lots of appointments this week. I talked to my therapist about adrenal burnout. Not being an MD of course, the next step is to talk to a new primary doctor about it. I tried another clinic, but they're too small to deal with complex cases like mine.

It feels at times like you're getting hit really hard by the severity of your symptoms. My first therapist actually said, considering how severe your symptoms have been, I'm surprised you're still alive.

How do you respond to that?

Right now, it feels like there's no energy. Everything is a threat. You can't watch the news, because it's too violent and predictable.  You get up in the morning, and everything feels burned out. Everything takes focus to do.

But despite all of that, I know I'm on the right path. I'm much more aware of how severely untreated trauma can beat you down. You just want to feel safe.

Sunday, February 22, 2015


We start with one new main doctor soon. In the meantime, it feels like I have severe adrenal burnout:

Always run down
Put on an enormous amount of weight in one day
No insulin/glucose balance
Constantly feeling battered
When you're constantly fighting to survive, sex becomes a low priority

We don't have a death wish. But you're constantly fighting to not fall apart. Almost no sleep at night. Nightmares are still there.

What's next?

Saturday, February 21, 2015

Constant Exhaustion

Staying home most of today, and catching up on writing and various other stuff. It's a constant battle to try and deal with being exhausted from symptoms. You wake up around 3 a.m., and can't go back to sleep. Eat breakfast, then go back to bed and try to focus your energy. Even with that, you're always run down.

Not only that, but try not to dissociate. You scream and fight to not snap. What else can you do?

Friday, February 20, 2015

Fighting to Not Dissociate

A rough start to the day. Fighting really hard to not dissociate. You want to be able to focus without feeling like you're threatened.

As for triggering stuff, stay away as much as possible. Do something else, and see what happens.

Have a good day and protect yourself.

Thursday, February 19, 2015

Trying to Get Some Rest

Took a break yesterday to try and catch up on sleep. When was the last time I got a good night's sleep? I don't remember. Today, it's lots of breaks and trying to keep a sense of balance. Is that the cure to PTSD? No. On the other hand, my tolerance for drugs (other than necessary meds) is gone.

How are your symptoms? These days, violent dissociating still happens every day. You have to fight back. You just can't sit and do nothing. Screen everything. I still can't listen to the radio for more than about fifteen or twenty seconds. Then, turn it off because it's too much stimulus.

Do you feel abandoned? I have bad days where you feel like you can't trust anybody. How come nobody seems to care? We did nothing wrong. Yet, it feels like everybody's saying fuck off. This guy rape survivor shit is just too fucking weird.

How are you supposed to respond to that?

When you have flashbacks or hallucinate, is there any pattern to any of it? At times when I hallucinate weird thoughts that have no connection at all come to mind. Why? I don't know. But it's scary because you feel like you have almost no control.

How do you protect yourself?

You just want to feel safe. Set boundaries. Today, no news. Instead, just have safe content on as background noise. Pay attention to how tiny things affect you.

On bad days, I have trouble getting out of bed. It feels like every part of my body hurts. It's not because I worked out too hard. It's backed up trauma coming out.

What helps you to deal with this?

Tuesday, February 17, 2015

Thoughts for the Day

It's not your fault.

You did nothing wrong.

You can't control what other horrible people say and do.

Set boundaries as best you can.

Protect yourself at all costs.

Monday, February 16, 2015

Trying Not to Lose Control

Had to stay up late last night doing some PC maintenance. I didn't get to sleep till around 3 a.m. But in the process before that I really had to struggle to not dissociate and black out. Also, to not hallucinate. For whatever reasons, weird thoughts came out of nowhere. They happen, and you fight hard to not just collapse.

Is it because I was so tired? Is it because of something else? Sometimes you have moments where you can't get past thoughts of death. What if I wasn't around? Would anybody care? If you don't fight your way out of that, you feel like you're trapped in an endless cycle.

Part of it too is trying to cover all of my bills myself. Despite being on benefits, I still have to get help from the parents to cover rent and some basic bills. later this week, I'll talk to my therapist about trying to find low income housing that's safe. Instead of moving in with my brother and his family.

I want to keep control over my life and to feel safe.

Sunday, February 15, 2015

Trying to Protect Yourself

Catching up on lots of important stuff at home today. Update my instructions for my will executor. When you have a horribly disfunctional "immediate family", how do you trust one of them to do this? I try to keep my side of things clean, so I have nothing to apologize for later. I'm not responsible for anything horrible people say and do. But I will set boundaries to protect myself. It feels weird to sit and write something that someone will read after you're gone. Especially when you feel abandoned and can't trust anybody.

You feel angry at times, and you want to kill everyone who laughed at you and treated you like shit when you were trying to get help. Nobody wants anything to do with it. How then do you deal with that?

We just want to feel safe.

Saturday, February 14, 2015

Trying to Stay Grounded

As best you can, don't dissociate. Do something else. Nightmares still happen. Many times,  you can't go back to sleep. One reason is because you're scared. You have to focus really hard to not feel completely lost.

Symptoms still happen. Flashbacks to torture happen, and what do you do then? How do you ground yourself in that case?

We just want to feel safe.

Friday, February 13, 2015

Run Down

Symptoms are still there. You try and sleep in to get more rest. But sometimes that doesn't work. Usually, I get into bed around 8 and try to stay warm. You try to have some relief from pain, and some days are better than others.

The urge to dissociate is still there. As much as possible, don't do it. Do anything else that you can. Use your environment to try and stay grounded. See what happens.

We just want to feel safe.

Thursday, February 12, 2015

Bombarded with Symptoms

Managed to get some exercise in. But now though, it's feeling run down and freezing. These days, we go to bed around 9. Rest, try to stay warm and to not dissociate.

Wednesday, February 11, 2015

It's Not Your Fault

Another day of struggle with symptoms, and occasional weird thoughts about raping little kids. However, the fact that those thoughts are there doesn't mean that I'm some monster. But it still bothers me, and I feel sad.

More appointments on the way.

Tuesday, February 10, 2015


Today, almost no energy. I managed to go out for a while. After that, went back home and rested. You can barely move (even when you're trying to do small things).

Hopefully, a break from nightmares tonight.

Monday, February 9, 2015

Trying to Stay Clean

Another week of lots of doctor appointments. Today, we talked about symptoms, diet and trying to keep some sense of being grounded. One minute, there's some clarity. Then you're screaming to not snap and black out.

If necessary, stay home and turn everything off. Just focus on trying to feel safe. We're not responsible for others and what they say and do.

Have a good day.

Friday, February 6, 2015

Boundaries, No Sleep and More

The nightmares continue. When they happen you have to get out of your bedroom to try and feel safe. Then, many times you can't go back to sleep. If you're lucky, you get maybe 2 hours of sleep a night.

It feels at times like the list of triggering stuff gets longer and longer. Is there ANYTHING that isn't violently
triggering? On bad days, we just stay home and try to feel safe. Because nobody else will do it for us.

More of a break, and then try to go out.

Thursday, February 5, 2015

Almost No Sleep

More appointments and new meds to take. Hopefully these  might give me a better chance at actually getting some sleep. When was the last time I got a good night's sleep? I don't remember. Along with that, nightmares still happen.

Also, non stop dissociating. You fight really hard not to literally snap. Some days I just stay home, and try to feel grounded and safe in my own home. I wake up in the middle of the night and check all the rooms to make sure I'm alone. Then, you wake up around 2 or 3 a.m. You can't go back to sleep. What do you do then? Usuually, turn the TV on with the sound down, and rock back and forth holding onto a pillow so hopefully that helps to be grounded. You just don't feel safe staying in bed.

You have to fight to keep some sense of balance.

Wednesday, February 4, 2015


Had another psychiatrist appointment today. She's recommending a new anti depressant to go with my current one. So far, it seems like it won't be a major conflict with my other meds. And maybe it's time to try to to get some relief from nightmares.

The severity of your symptoms is equal to the severity of your trauma history.

Right now, some peace and quiet at home. We want to feel safe.

Monday, February 2, 2015

Pay Attention to How You Feel

More fighting symptoms as you try to listen to small signs in how you feel. Managed to do an hour on the gym stationary bike. After that, do other stuff and just rest.

Last night, we almost felt paralyzed. It was like being bombarded with nonstop pain. We eventually managed to get past it. But we have nothing to hide behind.

Face your pain as best you can.

Sunday, February 1, 2015

Back at Home

Finally back home after spending the night in the hospital. Los of tests to find out, what caused me to collapse? A heart attack or stroke? Or, was it something else? Lots of tests later the good news. It was one of my high blood pressure meds. I was taking too much, which caused my pressure to drop. Now, just pacing myself in the weekend.

After lots of rest Saturday, did a run today to see how I felt. Even though it was an easy pace, there was still some chest pain. A slow pace, and try to focus. Triggering stuff happens aa you go along. But don't push too hard.

After the first quarter mile, do I stop? No, keep going. Many say a run's great because it's just you and your environment. Don't carry your cell or a I-player, because the whole idea is to disconnect. But even if you do that, it's still hard at times to not get bombarded with flashbacks and other signs.

Down the stretch, and then turn the corner. Do I go for a full mile, or just stop at the stop sign? Tried pushing the last 100 yards, and managed to do it. Some weakness, but I did it.

Now, I'm very aware of how you feel. Inadvertantly, I was drinking too much liquid, which can stress out your heart and entire system. So in a good way, pay attention to tiny signs in how you feel. No more just blow it off.

I used to have of destructive things to try and escape trauma pain with. Now, I don't. And, when talking to various doctors and nurses, it was a relief to actually be taken seriously when talking about holistic things.

Small things take a lot of energy right now. If I'm cooking, I have to sit down every 5 minutes and rest. But, nobody's telling me this is a dangerous sign (considering all of my symptoms).

Have a good 24 hours. Super Bowl prediction: Patriots by 7.