Thursday, May 30, 2013

Herbal Tea and Other Thoughts

Another day of anger, screening, and fighting to not black out. Also, protect yourself at all costs. Unless you have to look at it, ask yourself: do I really need to see/read/hear this? If not, do something else.

There's lots of emptiness at times. Then again, what else can you do but keep going?

Diet plays a key role in trying to cope with symptoms. I can't touch some formerly favorite foods. Way too triggering, and I don't want to dissociate for a week trying to get my balance back. I'm also focusing to not fall back into old destructive dissociating patterns.

Am I a professional patient? No. Do I torture myself because my symptoms have been (and continue to be in many ways) severe? I try not to. Then again, there are many periods that are too painful to think about.

Time for some tea.

Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Read Between the Lines

How's your part of the world? Thanks for the ongoing support. For any new readers, the purpose here is to present information and helpful ideas that might help you as well. If you know of something better, please let us know.

What's your mantra that helps you to cope? For me, it's probably it's not my fault. We have our bad days with depression and abandonment. You try to focus and not black out from dissociating. You try to not have adrenalin surges and feel like you have a smooth chi flow thru your body.

Even with doing all of that, it feels like I have about six addictions that I'm fighting all the time. Many formerly favorite foods are too triggering. Now what do I do? You focus really hard all day long to not dissociate.

Do that and everything else you have to do. Then, try not to feel wiped out.

Flashbacks and other symptoms are violent and scary. However, it's not abnormal in any way. Did being raped totally mess up my biochemistry? I'm not sure. I'm just working on trying to keep a healthy balance (not perfectionism) as I go.

Can you make others understand about trauma? No. On the other hand, you can and should protect yourself. Because nobody else will do it for you.

In my experience, while cultures may be different, human beings remain the same. This means lots of commonalities (taxes, hating politicians, concern about your kids, and more). It also means that saying no really does mean no to prevent rape. In some cultures, people may say no in a very general way. The point though is that the message gets through.

Pay attention to indirectness, and see what happens.

Monday, May 27, 2013

Does This Happen to You?

It's a holiday, so you'd think it would be just nice and enjoy the sun. However, it's a lot of emptiness and depression. No matter what you do or how you try to ground yourself, they're still there. On the other hand, we haven't slipped for a few days now and gone back to triggering and dissociating stuff to escape pain.

If you have lots of junk in your diet, you dissociate and hallucinate. If you don't and feel clean for a while, you still do these. Why? Is it because a long history of abuse (in every sense of the word) has permanently messed up my system? Just when you think you have some stability, violent flashbacks and lucid dreams happen. I don't know.

You try to have at least ten seconds of focus. No violent symptoms. Just be able to focus on right now.

I have no tolerance for chemicals. A candy bar or a piece of cake? Can't have them. They're too triggering.

Just focus on not dissociating. Do you really want to vanish literally for a week at a time? No I don't.

It's not my fault.

Saturday, May 25, 2013

How's Your Focus Today?

Taking things in small segments. I still have to fight to not dissociate when I wake up in the morning. Then, try to not black out during the day as you fight all the other symptoms and deal with everything else.

Despite everything that's happened and continues to happen, we did nothing wrong. We're not "weird" in any way. All of this is a normal response to long-term untreated symptoms. Despite that, at times it's still a challenge to go out someplace and not feel threatened in some way.

While there's nothing I can do about it, there's still a feeling of abandonment at times. Can I literally trust anybody? Or, is everybody lying to me?

Enjoy your weekend.

Thursday, May 23, 2013

Capitalism, Protecting Yourself and Other Thoughts

Whether you're a long time reader here or just starting, we have a content rule that we try to stick to. No progressive political content UNLESS it has something to do with dealing with trauma. Which means you have to know the rules first before you can break them when necessary. This is one of those times.

If you look at a lot of TV, listen to the radio or online content, there's a lot of sick stuff out there. In my opinion, you have to screen everything because, nobody else will do it for you. I've heard that many trauma survivors have a sharp sense of intuition. It's like being five steps ahead of the rest of the world. You know what's going to be said and how everyone will respond. Why then bother to deal with it and possibly dissociate for days? Lately I've seen that happen. I'm not always right. However, my percentage is pretty good.

While I can't control what Obama and other rich and powerful people say and do, I can take steps to protect myself. Set boundaries. Don't buy, watch or read something. Regular TV viewership is down overall by about 20%. Why is that? Maybe it's because like Spike Lee says, show me something original that's NOT reality TV  or a remake. Why pay for something that's going to trigger you and cause problems?

Is it your responsibility as a trauma survivor to save every other trauma survivor? If I could, I would. However, it doesn't work like that. My protection comes first. I can't take on my pain and everyone else's.

Not all, but in many cases, if you want someone to listen to you, cut into their profit margin. If you send an email, odds are you won't get a real response. On the other hand, if you manage to cut someone's profit margin by say 40%, suddenly they have time for you.

Is that "capitalism", or something else? I don't know. I prefer to call it a positive approach.

Wednesday, May 22, 2013

Global Focusing Techniques

What's the key idea today? Watch your overall balance. If the p/h/ balance is off, symptoms are really hard to control. The tiniest amounts of sugar or caffeine make symptoms worse (including hallucinations). This means no more sugar ever? Try to find a birthday cake or brownies with almost no sugar.

Much of the time I'm really run down. Sometimes I'll just lie down for an hour because I literally can't move. Do I have medical problems other than severe burnout? At this point I don't know. I'm going in stages, with lots of breaks in-between. I do everything I can to reassure my multiples and little kid that we'll be okay. Despite that, flashbacks happen and at times I don't know where I am.

It takes an enormous amount of energy and focus to try and not violently dissociate. Imagine focusing on one thing all day long with no break. If you stop you'll fall apart. Why? because we all know that on bad days the "usual grounding techniques" don't work.

What do you do then?

I'm trying to keep my chi flow smooth. However, it's hard to focus. On the other hand, I'm getting around and getting things done. So there's no disability in any way.

Are you getting the help you need in your part of the world?

Monday, May 20, 2013

A Connection Between Your Symptoms and p/h Balance?

Staying home at the moment and trying to focus our energy. Lately it feels like we have to focus ALL THE TIME  to try and not dissociate or have problems with other symptoms. In essence, try to maintain some sense of balance. This also means feeling really run down.

As I talk to my various sources, it seems like there's almost no research or study that talks about the roles diet and other holistic treatments play in PTSD treatment for all clients. Almost always the holistic tools (meditation and acupuncture) are for use for vets. What about the rest of us?

With that in mind, here are some thoughts about what I've found and what helps me. This is just information that's hopefully helpful. What you do with this after reading is up to you. I assume no responsibility for anything that's said or done by anyone else after reading this.

Is there a connection between your p/h balance and PTSD symptoms (regardless of the type you have)? I say yes. Why? Think about your daily diet. Is it heavy on junk food and heavy tasting foods (tomato based dishes, sausage, stuff with lots of fat and fructose syrup)? For a long time I unintentionally abused my system with lots of this to escape the pain of being raped. The bad news is that it made it worse. Now I feel like I'm detoxifying from it (in addition to other trauma coming out all at the same time).

How long does it take to detoxify? I'm not sure. Some experts say anywhere from a few months to two years. What else is connected to trauma? Adrenal glands, blood pressure and more. If you then try to rebalance your system, it only makes sense in general that your p/h balance would reset itself.

Is it possible to eat totally organic? Not right now. Instead, I'm just redoing some of my usual dishes to see how I'll feel.

Have you had any experience with this? If yes, post some comments. Thanks.

Sunday, May 19, 2013

Today's Balance

It's a real struggle today to not dissociate. Flashbacks, lucid dreams and feelings of abandonment continue to happen. You can't save everyone from all of the evil people in the world. But also, how do you continue to protect yourself?

You don't want to dissociate and vanish. You try to ground yourself, and barely hold on so you don't black out. Now, do that about 100 times a day.

What else can we do? Just bear in mind that we're not "weird" in any way. This is a normal survival mechanism to deal with trauma.

Now, how do you keep your energy level up without lapsing and going back to sugar and junk food?

Thursday, May 16, 2013

Severe Flashbacks and More (Contains potentially severe triggering content. Read at your own risk).

It's an almost-all-wi-fi-day. Work anywhere around the house and live stream anything from anywhere for free. The way it should be.

That being said, I still have despair and symptoms. You don't want to hurt either yourself or anyone else. But they're still there.

What can you do? Protect yourself as best you can. Set boundaries and trust your intuition. If you see a pattern in something, odds are you're right.

Lots of people are telling me that this backed up terror is normal. It's also scary and leads to almost no sleep. At times, it's like watching a really sad highlight reel.

I see my little kid. I see other little kids. One minute they're happy. The next, screaming and nobody's there to help them. I'm sitting upstairs in a room with the breeze blowing and feeling like nobody cares. Others are downstairs, but nobody bothers to pay attention.

Does anyone care?

You can say it's not your responsibility to save everyone from all of the evil people out there. While I know that's true, human emotions aren't like a light switch. One minute you're scared. The next, carry on. No big deal.

Real life doesn't work like that.

Maybe I can't save everyone. But I will protect myself and do what I can after that.

I don't know exactly where all of you are. However, I know that you are there. How do you cope with this?

Wednesday, May 15, 2013

How Much Can You Handle?

It's a mix of a lot today. We can't handle many formerly favorite foods. One minute there's some sense of focus. Then, despair and abandonment. We still feel run down and take breaks during the day.

Is there some other physical problem that I don't know about? Not sure.

We're just trying to cover bases as best we can. Everything still has to be screened. Then again, what else can I do?

Just trying for some sense of balance.

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

Famous Name Here

Do you feel like you're being heard as you go along in your healing? I still screen everything, because much of the time I feel like I'm about five steps ahead of the rest of the world. I know everything that's going to be said, and what the responses will be. Having said that, why bother even looking at it?

While celebrities speak out on a wide range of things (which is their right), also keep several things in mind.

Will speaking out cost them their job(s)?
Will they go bankrupt trying to get the proper treatment if they're dealing with a history of untreated trauma?
Will they be denied health coverage because this trauma is a "pre-existing" condition? Or, will their health provider not have the nerve to deny (famous name here) coverage, and then risk the public backlash?

Not being a celebrity and not working at the moment, if I went public, I could have serious problems. If you're an employer, would you knowingly hire someone with PTSD if you knew ahead of time that they had it? Forget about there are various anti-discrimination laws and other legal stuff. This is daily reality.

If no major health carrier will cover you, you could possibly get low-income coverage. Then again, if you make too much "income" that's gone. Then what do you do?

If a celebrity uses their "fame" to draw attention to an issue, is it exposing the issue or them versus some other famous name? Not always, but too often it turns into a battle of "names", instead of dealing with a serious problem. If you take the time to complain, the MSM says if it trends it leads. We don't make the news. We just go with what gets ratings.

What do you do then?

That's one reason why I don't watch regular TV right now. When was the last time I bought a MSM newspaper or magazine? I can't remember. The quality continues to go down. And various "experts" continue to be mystified why that's happening.

Then again, that's not my responsibility. Dealing with my own healing is hard enough.

Monday, May 13, 2013


I'm really trying to pay attention to the effects of things. Tiny amounts that mess up your p/h balance cause pain all over. If it's caffeine, more pain and at times hallucinations.

It feels like all the backed up trauma is flooding out. You try to keep your balance and to not just black out. Yet you also feel like you can barely move. It's not that you want to hurt either yourself or anyone else. You feel like there's almost no energy at all.

Every source that I trust says the same thing. It has to come out either in good ways, or bad ways. Now, it's catching up to you.

When the full reality of trauma hits you, how do you not scream and black out? The pressure feels really severe, and at times I don't know what to do.

Just try to keep some sense of balance.

Sunday, May 12, 2013

It's All Connected

Happy Global Mom's Day. If you're either done with it or it's coming up soon in your part of the world, have some fun.

Here, it's been just having time for me. I still have to pace a lot of stuff because of burnout. Screen everything, and struggle with flashbacks that are still too much to cope with.

Is it all connected? Yes, it is. A lot of previous severe illnesses were due to long-term untreated PTSD symptoms. Which leads to the next question. How do you cope with burnout?

It's not my fault. I didn't ask for all of this pain and humiliation. I can't make others understand about the torture that happened to me. On the other hand, I can and will set boundaries to protect myself and my self-esteem.

You're too exhausted at times to do the smallest things. You sit, try to have some sense of clarity, and to not dissociate and black out. You also struggle with despair and abandonment. Someone else can try and say they care about you. However, that doesn't change the fact that you told them you were raped, and they deliberately did nothing.

Now, they have to deal with that. Not me.

You just want relief from pain.

Saturday, May 11, 2013

Coping Ideas for You

A few errands today, and then just rest. Small things take a huge amount of energy. You just sit at times and don't know what else to do.

However, that's ok. I did nothing wrong, and all of this is a survival mechanism. You feel sad and don't know what to do. Just turn things off and sit. Go for a walk. Go have a drink and sit on the balcony.

It's not your fault.

Thursday, May 9, 2013

Do You Feel Abandoned? (Contains Potentially Triggering Content. Read at Your Own Risk)

As I go along, I'm paying attention to my health (mind and body) as best I can. Not perfection, but balance in many things (diet, exercise, lots of rest, emotions and more). No "official" diagnosis on this yet, other than complex PTSD symptoms. Having said that, I think that I have severe adrenal burnout. Years of horrible untreated symptoms can cause that. What else could it be?

I'm not saying all traditional medicine and people are evil. I'm just saying that in my case, I've had better luck with holisitic doctors and treatment versus traditional.

How do you deal with feeling abandoned or denial on the part of others?
Is it your job to make the rest of the world understand?
How do you deal with double standards? I care about you. Now, go away.

I'm really struggling with despair and abandonment. I'm not a case file or a statistic. I'm a human being who exists and is fighting to be heard.

Tuesday, May 7, 2013

Not Perfection. Just Balance.

I'm finally starting to catch up on my sleep. Before this, hadn't slept for almost two days. I went to my first doctor's appointment, and in some ways it wasn't surprising. The doctor means well, but has no PTSD training whatsoever Why then am I here? Keep going with getting treatment. But from now on, go somewhere else.

Now, it's focus on holistic healing. Unintentionally, part of the problem in my case has ben poisoning my system with lots of junk food to escape pain which only made it worse. Now, it's time to detoxify overall. Can you do this and still have fun with actual enjoyable foods? Yes, you can. It's a challenge. However, it's not that expensive to do.

The pain of untreated trauma still hits really hard and is rough to deal with. You know it's not your fault. Yet, you feel like you're getting hit with a billion flashbacks all at once. You also have normal concerns:

Do I have to cure myself?
Does anybody want to admit that I exist?
Does a long time with no reassurance damage you psychologically?

Like anyone, you want reassurance and relief from pain. You can't make people understand about trauma. You can't make them admit that you exist. It would be human decency on their part. Then again, am I their psychiatrist? No, I'm not.

Protect yourself as you go along. Pay attention to the effects of things on you. Do you really need to do this? If not, what's a better alternative? The healthier you are, the sharper your intuition. My percentage isn't 100%. But it has gotten better.

Monday, May 6, 2013

Ongoing Protection

A rough start this morning. Almost no sleep, and do I give in and drink lots of caffeine and sugar? I'm really trying to stay away from that to keep my p/h balance together. Am I still detoxifying from years of junk food abuse? Maybe.

Now, take breaks but try and get lots of things done. No personal assistant, so what else can I do?

Do I still have despair and a sense of abandonment? It's also fighting dissociating all day long. You scream and hold onto solid things around you so you don't black out. You can't just sit back and do nothing.

Protect yourself, set boundaries and feel good about that.

Sunday, May 5, 2013

Focus for Balance

Taking things in tiny segments. You try to wake up and focus your energy so you feel awake and not half asleep all day. Then, fight dissociating and other symptoms as you go along. I still take breaks during the day, and just turn things off.

Not much sleep now for over two weeks. Will the doctor on Tuesday have a solution that doesn't mean meds? I don't know.

You have to fight to keep some sense of balance because nobody else will do it for you.

No dissociative blackouts for a while now. However, at times I'm scared because it feels like it might happen. How do you scream, focus and fight your way out of this?

Tiny segments.

Saturday, May 4, 2013


It's a mix today. Some focus at times. At others, non-stop fighting of dissociation. On the other hand, i know I'm on the right track in healing.

It's okay to set boundaries and say, I'm not available right now. You're not a bad person to politely say no, and not follow that with a detailed explanation about trauma.

How do you set boundaries?

Thursday, May 2, 2013


Just got back from lots of errands. Now, almost time for dinner and then more posts. However, I still screen everything because weird stuff comes out of nowhere.

Almost two weeks now with little sleep at night. Maybe I should back to all-night radio?

Anger at times still comes up. One key reason? Many key people involved in my case will never be prosecuted. I can't file a criminal or civil case. The statute of limitations has run out. The Intl. Court of Justice in the Hague can't help (even though this case does involve criminal acts and torture).

What do I do now? I did nothing wrong. Others have to live with what they do and say (or didn't do and say).

Despite that, being a normal human being with normal emotions, you ask the questions. Where's my validation? Where's my sense of justice? I do exist. I didn't ask to be tortured and go thru years of horrible symptoms with no help (except from one therapist and 3 counselors). But I do deserve to be heard.

Wednesday, May 1, 2013

A Question

Another night with almost no sleep. Then, how do I focus and feel like I have some energy and can function? I don't have any other physical illness. Just complex dissociative disorder.

Dissociating is still exhausting. I take breaks during the day, and when I do I just turn everything off. It takes an enormous amount of energy to do tiny things. Even if you stay off caffeine and sugar as best you can.

Constant symptoms also mess up your adrenal system. How long has my fight-or-flight response been stuck? For a long time. I've never had a symptom free day since I was raped.

Have you?