Sunday, April 26, 2009

Time to Think Globally

Happy weekend? If it's not one thing it's another. A very triggering day. I'm staying away from the flu news as much as possible. Had to go down to my health food store and stock up on more herbs. Hopefully these will help to focus a little better.

I have a new Twitter channel for this blog. Everybody else is doing it. So why not? It'll be interesting to see how the response works as the audience slowly builds.

I still have dissociating and homicidal anger. I try to get it out as safely as I can. But it's hard to focus when you feel like you're going to snap. I tried my first reiki session on Saturday. Very expensive, but it did help in some ways. Your chi is aligned better. But also you feel kind of empty for a while. My sensei says that this is normal, though.

How do you deal with the anger when it feels like the world doesn't listen to you? What keeps you from snapping and going off on everybody you see? At times the despair still hits. One minute you feel ok. Then you curl up in the corner and cry. Does anybody pay attention?

Maybe Twitter is the next step?

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

A High Stress Day

How's your Wednesday? Just found out that my credit card company cut my credit line (even with EXCELLENT credit). Went to my bank and argued with the credit division. Called the credit report agency and didn't get much help there. There's staying in business. But there's also how you treat your customers. If you credit line is cut and you apply for a new card, your score goes down. And, my current card issuer can still cut my limit further. And I have no way to appeal it.

Other than that, more dissociating. The herbs and trying to get more sleep help some. But at times there's still the terror and flashbacks. Sometimes lucid dreams still happen. We cry at night and wonder, will this always happen?

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Let's Catch Up

Finally some time to talk. How are YOU coping these days? The Bailout stuff keeps going. Torture is still legal in the States. What else is coming?

Do you still have symptoms? Today's another tough day with dissociating. Sometimes it feels like there's clarity. And then you have to focus REALLY HARD to not slip back. You fight that and do everything else.

Still, my multiples and little kid are terrified. The fear of nobody listening, nobody touching us in a positive way. Occasional horrible flashbacks to being raped.Terror as the rapist says, f***ing scream all you want. Nobody gives a s**t about you. What do you do to kill them? Will anybody listen THEN?

We try not to dwell on those that treated us like s**t. Just go on as positively as possible. Occaisonally I talk in other places about being a survivor. But still there's the this-is-too-f*****g-weird thing to deal with.

Does the despair ever go away? We hope so. But sometimes we wonder....

Friday, April 10, 2009

A Reallly Rough Friday

Happy weekend. Another busy day of a job fair, resume rewriting and cold calling. Along the way, horrible dissociating and despair. It's like everybody's screaming and beating down on you all at once. And you feel like there's nowhere to run. You refuse to role over and die. But also, at times it's like endless lucid dreams. You fight these assholes off and you know all of this is crap. But you have to focus REALLY HARD to keep your balance.

Sometimes you have to fight to not just snap and say, f**k it! I'm gonna kill everybody. The despair hits and we ask, how come nobody cares? If people did care, how come nobody will touch us? How come people can't be bothered? I'm grateful that you're here reading this. But, still the despair hits really hard.

You scream, fight and cry yourself to sleep at night. The terror is there and you ask, where is it coming from? Is it one multiple, or is it something else? How come adrenalin surges still happen? Sometimes dissociating feels automatic. Is it because it's still second nature at times? You try to focus because you don't want to disappear.

Does this still happen to you? If you're a woman survivor, are people taking you seriously re: coping after being raped? Feel free to post your comments.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

What Other Choice Do You Have?

How are you coping these days? The Bailout stuff seems to get worse. Which means triggers are a BIG problem. We stay away from it as much as possible. Which means some days are really quiet (kind of like the library). Then again, that can be a nice change at times.

My multiples, little kid and I talk as much as possible. And the anger still comes out at times. Lucid dreams still happen where you have to fight off somebody trying to beat your ass into the ground. You literally have to grab them and say NO! Now, deal with that AND everything else.

The despair still comes out. We feel catatonic and wonder, what now? My therapist says it's trauma that's still flooding out. But what do you do when you feel like you're on edge all the time?

Any comments?

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

How Are You Coping?

Back at it after a spicy dinner and a busy day job hunting. Ocasionally the anger and dissociating hit. Which makes driving a little tricky. Then sometimes it's the despair that hits hard.

How do you cope when moments like that happen? Do survivors EVER get past this? At times, the anger of feeling like the world says f**k off is hard to handle. Does this get to you?

Please pass on your comments.

Thursday, April 2, 2009

More Global Bailouts and stuff

The G20 is now over. These governments will spend $5 trillion and do more to fix the global economy. But if you print lots of money, the value goes down. But, nobody wants to admit things like that that could possibly put THEM on the unemployment line.

Closer to here, you can sense the higher stress levels. My therapist says that roughly 3 out of 10 people are trauma survivors (physical, emotional, verbal or sexual. Or all of these). At times the frustration of the world saying you don't exist is hard to handle. Also, the superficiality of some who expect you to just go along like life is ok. But if you try to talk about coping with symptoms, instantly it's what the f**k is this s**t? I DON'T WANNA HEAR IT, OK? So what am I supposed to do then? Just suck it up because the world is totally f****d up. And if you're not strong enough to take it then just f**k off? It mystifies me that some people could be like that.

Then again, I'm not responsible for them. So I choose to go on as positively as I can. How do you set boundaries to protect yourself? When was the last time someone hugged you and said, I'm sorry you were raped? It still hasn't happened to me.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Keeping the Balance

How are you coping in Bailout World? Nothing much will come out of the G20. And meanwhile, the bailouts keep coming.

I'm really trying to focus on balance. I'm trying every angle I can to find the new job and still build up the online sources. But sometimes the anger hits and then frustration and sadness. Still, I'm not going to do anything that will out myself. If it's appropriate, I'll do small things. But I'm not responsible for every survivor's healing.

How are you doing in drawing lines where necessary?