Saturday, November 29, 2008

Flexibility is the Key

This blog is one person's fight to survive and heal from PTSD from repeated rape. Sometimes "triggers" are used to make points. If these bother you, stop reading now. Otherwise, keep going and thanks for the support.

Sometimes you're frustrated because you don't know where to go. For guy survivors, it's worse because nobody will take you seriously. If you're a woman survivor, that's different. But for guys, nobody will acknowledge you.

So how do you not sink to that level of anger and frustration? If you feel like an orphan, how do you keep your balance?

First, as best you can, try to face this head on. Deal with what you can. Everything all at once is just too difficult. My multiples and little kid trust me more. But even with EMDR, they're scared because how do you deal with NOBODY CAES? Unfortunately that's the truth. And it will never change.

We choose to go on as positively as possible. We do all the positive holistic stuff. Still though, at times the despair hits. The whole world isn't beating on your ass saying WE DON'T LIKE YOU. But it feels like it.

What helps you to deal with this? Feel free to post your comments. If you know of other helpful links, please post those as well. The number of links here is starting to go up. Keep plugging away and peace.

How to Balance

This is one person's fight against PTSD from being raped. Sometimes I use "triggers"(sights, sounds and more)to get points across. Never to trigger any survivors. If this bothers you, stop reading now. Otherwise, continue and please link this blog everywhere you can.

Another day of fighting dissociating. Tai chi and meditation (along with herbs and tea help). But at times there's the despair. You have to focus really hard to try and stay grounded. And compartmentalize it all. Because I don't know what else to do.

Sometimes you have to really filter out a lot so your intuition can function. Because if you don't, it's like getting bombarded with millions of wi-fi streams. I'm getting better at catching dissociating patterns. Which helps to stay away from the soft-core porn. It's like medicated alcoholics who get sick if they drink again. If I do this dissociating is severe. And then it takes forever to fight your way out of rituals, dissociating and the rest of it.

What helps you to stay focused? What would you like to see here? Any constructive ideas would be great.

Also keep in mind that everything is anonymous here. No secret files, ISP lists or any of that. Think of this as a outlet to help you cope. But like anything on the Net, any links you could post would be helpful. There are some. But I could always use more.

Have a nice night.

Friday, November 28, 2008

Friday Thoughts

This blog is one person's fight against PTSD from repeated rape. Occasionally "triggers" (sights, sounds and more) are used to get points across. If these bother you, stop reading now. Otherwise, keep reading and thanks for the support.

How's your Gloabl Big Discount Day? Here in the States people lined up at midnight to be the first in a store and get a small gift card for their trouble. Usually it's a small amount ($25). Why not $25,000 to get some motivation (know what I'm saying)?

Still fighting to keep a balance. Everything has to be edited to protect against triggers. The despair still hits at times. But what else can you do but fight back?

How do you stop flashbacks and lucid dreams. Sometimes physical memory comes back too. Getting f****d in the ass. the sick a*****e that raped me going down on me, and other sick stuff. Why does this come back? Because it's my multiples and little kid's way to get the trauma out.

What helps you to handle this? Also, please feel free to link this blog everywhere you think it will help. It's content and promotion :).

Thursday, November 27, 2008

Holiday Coping

This blog contains one person's fight against PTSD from being repeatedly raped. At times "triggers" (sights, sounds and more) are used to make points. If these bother you, stop now. Otherwise, keep going and thanks for the support.

Happy Thanksgiving. Even if you're not really into it, it's still fun to take the break. Eat and drink heavily, watch your favorite sport on TV (even if it's American football and not PROPER football). But that's all right.

Howare you coping? I'm still going to EMDR. And my multiples and little kid want to continue, but gradually. One of the hardest things is the despair. You know something's wrong, you turn for help everywhere you can. And NOBODY listens. Under no circumstances will anybody acknowledge that you exist. You didn't want to go back to that sick m****rf****R'S house and get raped all voer again. You didn't want to feel like a f*****g piece of meat. He gets his rocks off and then, fuck off. And NOBODY will listen.

Is the whole world totally f****d up? If nobdy listens, what do we do? It makes you think to yourself, why should I ever talk to you again? But aside from the therapist and a few survivor pals, nobody can be bothered.

Sometimes twisted flashbacks or triggers come out of nowhere. And you really have to fight to focus and keep your balance. Otherwise, you'll snap. And I refuse to do that.

One herb that helps: Relaxing Sleep Tonic (made by Herb Pharm). It's a little easier to use than Kava. And especially now, using it 4 times a day.

If you have other stuff that helps, please post a comment.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Maintain Your Balance

This blog is one person's daily battle against PTSD from repeated rape. Sometimes I use "triggers"(sights, sounds and more) to get points across. If these bother you, stop reading now. Otherwise, continue and thanks for the support.

It's Wednesday. And did YOU get your bailout yet? At this point, I don't know. Isn't it a little bizarre when you call your financial advisor? And after 3 minutes you're thinking, I know about this stuff than he does. And then you find out he's on parole after doing time for insider trading. Can it get any weirder?

How are you coping these days? One key for me is no more regular TV. I haven't watched any in 3 days now. If it's a movie or ESPN, that's different. But even if you do that, you have to edit for triggers all the time. Because when you least expect it something comes out of nowhere. And then it takes hours to fight your way out of dissociating and then feel like you have some balance again.

Not always, but at times I feel like I'm going to literally snap in two. If I go out, I still have to plan it all out. Where am I going? Is it safe? How many triggers are there? What if there's no place to hide? What do I do then?

You go into some crowded store, and everything is dangerous. Every sight and sound is magnified to the Nth degree. Every person is a potential threat. How do I stop them? My intuition is very sharp. I feel like I'm aware of everything within 6 feet of me. If somebody comes up from behind, what do I do? Are they going to grab me? What's my nearest weapon? How do I stop them? Where do I strike first? Imagine you go into a store and you have to fight your way thru all of this. Nobody's actually going to kill you with a AK-47. But your multiples and little kid say, they're a threat. So you HAVE to fight back. We are not going to get raped ever again.

You go to the checkout line. And you feel like beating the s**t out of the checkout person. You get the usual questions. Did you find everything ok? Actually, no. I'm having really bad dissociating right now and I want to beat your ass into the ground. Do they know what PTSD is? Probably. Are they a trauma survivor? Who knows.

You get back to your car and go back home. But even with that there's still that feeling at times that the world says, you don't exist. If it's a woman rape survivor, that's sad but "normal." If it's a guy, you freak us out. Go away. You try not to dwell on the standard trauma survivor crap that people put out. On the other hand you do all the positive things to keep a balance. And despite all that nobody will ever stoop so low and admit that yes, you are their worst nightmare. And we don't like you.

Will the world end if you do? Since I got raped, NOBODY has EVER touched me and said, I'm sorry you were raped. Nobody's ever acknowledged me face to face, ever. Why is that? Can't they spare 3 freaking minutes in their "busy" day? Is some basic human decency so incredibly difficult to do? But no. It's like a large AA meeting. When it's done everybody's gone. Which leaves you standing there thinking, why did I drive a hour to come here, talk about this. And now it's a complete waste of time?

Flashbacks and lucid dreams still happen too. It's like you really have to focus hard to not lose sense of what's real and what's not. Imagine on a really bad day having to deal with that AND everything else. But remember, nobody will say anything to you. Under no circumstances will anybody ever admit that you're there. Because the bottom line is, the world sucks. So just carry on, mate.

Newsflash. People are not light switches. You can't turn your emotions on and off just like that so as not to inconvenience others. I've been banned from two support sites just because I'm a guy survivor. So where do I go for help? No disrespect to women survivors. But if you're a vet, what happens? You get a Congressional hearing, some soundbites, and some attention.

When was the last time you saw a Congressional hearing for guy rape survivors (vets or civilians)?

If I appeared before one, would anything come out of it? Would C-SPAN run it really late at night (when they know that only the hardcore C-SPAN junkies are watching)? I've done one radio interview that went well. Instead of the normal 15 to 20 calls for women survivors, they only had 2. Which means that people stopped in their tracks and actually had to face reality for an hour?

The good news? Despite all the s**t that's happened, I'm still here.

Sunday, November 16, 2008

Keeping a Balance

This blog is one person's fight against horrible PTSD from being repeatedly raped. Occaisonally I use "triggers" (sights, sounds and more) to help get points across. If these bother you, stop reading now. Otherwise, keep going and thanks for the support.

Kicking back in the weekend with NO noise. Lately triggers are everywhere. It's the whole range: sights, sounds, faces, noises, colors and more. Which means everything has to be edited. The flower essence helps some (along with almost no caffeine, junk food, sugar and other stuff). However, you still have to watch your step. Sometimes when you go out everything is magnified and you don't know what to expect.

How do you keep your balance? I know that there are a lot of survivors out there. But especially now, everybody is justifiably cautious. ID hackers can basically do anything they want (if they have the imagination and code writing skill). But that's ok.

How do you cope with a stuck fight-or-flight mechanism? Mine at times is still stuck. Especially when dissociating happens. It's like you have to focus really hard to push past that. My therapist says to pace yourself. Which in a way is good. But also, it's rough living in parallel realities. On the outside you're cool and calm. But on the inside you're ready to kill.

Will anybody ever acknowledge all trauma survivors in the same way? Probably not for a long time. Obama's talking about possibly appointing Tammy Duckworth to a high level job. If he allows her the freedom to bring about actual change and not the usual token crap, that's one thing. I wonder if she would ever talk about guy rape survivors still serving?

Nightmares still happen as well. One minute you think you're doing ok. And then the next it's despair and you don't know what to do. Others always talk about it evening out (like in sobriety). But at times you want to say, maybe so. Still, YOU'RE not the one who's fighting all of this stuff.

Have you had success with anything like Kava or HTP-5? What about using a little tea vs. green tea? I also do meditation and Tai-chi to try and maintain some calmness. Other things (like karate, kendo, ju-jitsu and others) do different things with chi. Tai-chi is the only one that I know of that allows you to focus on the chi and not just the movements.

If you have any suggestions, please post them here.


Thursday, November 13, 2008

Coping Skills for Us

This blog is one person's daily struggle against PTSD from beign repeatedly raped. It's the only one on the Net that's written by a civilian. Occasionally, "triggers" (sights, sounds and more) are used to get points across.

If these bother you, stop reading now. If not, keep going and thanks for the support.

Sorry for not posting for a while. Did you get YOUR bailout yet? The key things are accountability and trust. And nobody worldwide trusts anybody. Do any of the power elite that are working this Big Bailout out ever worry about being homeless or losing their job? Probably not....

Went back to therapy after a 2 week break. And a lot was horrible. My multiples and my little kid have a lot to get out. So we used EMDR and I thought we were going to pass out. Imagine being in an electric chair and your whole body feels like it's going to snap. On the other hand it needs to come out in a safe way.

Right now, it feels like almost everything is a trigger. Everyday it means edit everything you see and hear. Do every holistic thing you can to keep a balance.

What are some things that help me?:
Green tea
HTP 5 (to help deal with depression)
Flower essences
and other herbs

What helps you to cope? FYI: About 400 people are regular readers here. Which is sad that so many people are fighting this. But positive also that they're reaching out.

Feel free to pass this blog onto anybody that can benefit from it. Everything is anonymous. And like they say, it's content and promotion.