Tuesday, October 31, 2017

Almost No Sleep

The pain never goes away. Got about one hour of sleep due to more nightmares. But we know that we're not weird, strange or a danger in any way to anybody. You have to fight back. Don't dissociate. Don't let your guard down so you'll black out.

You have to fight back.

Monday, October 30, 2017

Pain and Exhaustion

Don't dissociate. Constant exhaustion and pain. We work out every day, unless we have no energy or chest pain. But it's still a struggle.

You have to fight back. protect yourself.

Sunday, October 29, 2017

The Pain Never Stops

Another day of struggle with symptoms and trying to regain some sense of chi flow and balance. Don't dissociate. Don't set yourself up to black out.

But the pain never goes away.
Other people who are horrible have to live with the consequences of their actions. Not us.
We did nothing wrong.
Don't dissociate.
Don't set yourself up to have a relapse.
It only makes pain worse.

You have to protect yourself.

Saturday, October 28, 2017

Protect Yourself

Another day of fighting symptoms. Had another dissociative slip. You fight to try and focus and say, it's not the end of the world. But it makes the pain worse and not better.

We're not a failure. Slips are like an addicts' slips. We have no desire to hurt ourselves or anybody else. You do your best to not set yourself up to slip. But the pain never goes away.

Protect yourself.

Friday, October 27, 2017

Face Your History Head On

Trying really hard to face our trauma history. It feels like just now we're facing the full horror of it. At times it's really painful to try to focus and not dissociate and black out. But what else can we do?

Protect yourself. Screen everything.

Thursday, October 26, 2017

Face Your History

As best you can, face your trauma history head on. Unless it endangers you in some way.

We did nothing wrong. Other people who say and do horrible things? That's their problem? Sometimes we have moments of clarity. Then it's paralyzing pain and despair where we literally can't move. Anger and pain never go away. But what choice do we have? Denial only makes things worse.

You have to protect yourself. We're doing the right things.

Tuesday, October 24, 2017

It's Not Our Fault

Fight symptoms and pain all day long. We still have split second flashbacks where we scream in pain as we're being raped and NOBODY bursts in to save us.

But despite that, we did nothing wrong.

Monday, October 23, 2017

Lots of Pain

More nightmares. Is it just a dream, or dissociating? Constant exhaustion during the day. You try to keep your p/h levels balanced. Our being able to eat big meals is gone. You try to protect yourself. But the pain is always there.

Sunday, October 22, 2017

Trying to Deal with Pain

A tough day with symptoms and trauma pain flooding out. Arthritic pain is worse. We try to look at it as your symptoms are a reflection of your trauma history. Which means more is flooding out. 

But despite that, it's not our fault. Try to protect your well being as best you can. 

Saturday, October 21, 2017

Trying to Focus

Another day of symptoms and pain. At times we turn everything off and just concentrate on quiet. We don't want to be bombarded with noise, pain or the rest of it. Just focus on quiet.

With incurable conditions, you try to cope as best you can. But the pain never goes away.

Protect yourself.

Thursday, October 19, 2017

Tuesday, October 17, 2017

Wanting Revenge (Contains Potentially Triggering Content. Read at your own risk)

No sleep, fight symptoms and don't dissociate. Everywhere you look, there's triggering content. You have to screen everything. You're not responsible for all of the hypocracy and pain in the world. But it's always there.

Also, a growing list of women who say they were sexually assaulted by Harvey Weinstein. Now, other powerful Hollywood names are being named. Almost 40 women have stories about Weinstein. Either they're true, or they're not. If they are, arrest and prosecute to the fullest extent of the law. If they're lies, sue for libel. So far, NOBODY's sued. Just cheap empty threats that rich and powerful people use to buy people's silence.

The ONLY reason someone agrees to a settlement which has a confidentiality clause and a payout is because something happened.

Now though, here's another aspect of this that nobody's touching. What about guys who've been raped? What about pedophiles who rape the shit out of little kids and then get away with it? Three psycho pedophiles repeatedly raped us and were never prosecuted. We can't being any charges against anybody. No victim compensation. The statute of limitations ran out. PTSD is incurable. We've never had one day with no symptoms. We don't know what that's like. Many horrible people just want you to shut up and go away.

For a really long time, nobody helped us. It was like being barely above completely falling apart and ending up in a psych hospital. Torture every day with ultra violent unchecked dissociating. But you have to fight back. You can't just sit back and do nothing.

We're struggling right now with thoughts about buying a gun and killing the psycho rapists. Two problems. One, it's too expensive. Two, we have no desire to do life in prison for multiple pre-meditated murders. First degree murder means what? The death penalty? Would we actually do this? No. But psychologically, it's important to admit that those thoughts are there.

Any suggestions?

Monday, October 16, 2017

Fight Symptoms

Fight symptoms and exhaustion. I know that we're doing the right things to try and keep some sense of being grounded. But the pain never goes away.

Screen everything. Some days are extremely triggering content days. No TV. Just protect your well being as best you can.

You have to fight back.

Sunday, October 15, 2017

Just Barely Above

Really struggling not to dissociate. For a long time, we had psychotic episodes every day. It felt like we were just barely above falling apart and having a psychotic break. NOBODY helped us for a REALLY LONG TIME. We don't want to go back to that.

Struggling to Keep Some Focus

Fight symptoms and face pain that never goes away. You have to protect yourself. But despite that, we did nothing wrong. We're not strange in any way. Your symptoms are a reflection of your trauma history.

Protect yourself.

Saturday, October 14, 2017

Trying to Focus

Fight symptoms and depression. It's not to the point of wanting to hurt myself or anybody else. But you try and face your trauma history head on as best you can.

Screen everything and protect your well being.

Friday, October 13, 2017

Symptoms and More

Don't dissociate. It'll make pain worse. We don't want to disappear and feel trapped with no way out.

Do something else. Protect your well being.

Thursday, October 12, 2017

Pain and Exhaustion

Symptoms, pain and exhaustion. But you fight and try to keep some sense of being grounded. You don't want to slip and black out. You don't want to violently dissociate and disappear. You have to fight to protect your well being.

Stay safe.

Wednesday, October 11, 2017

Trying to Stay Grounded

Protect yourself as you fight symptoms and to not black out. Pain is always there. Arthritic pain. Anal pain. Horrible torture flashbacks. But you fight back and say we're not abnormal in any way. Your symptoms are a reflection of your trauma history.

Stay safe.

Tuesday, October 10, 2017

More Pain

Fight symptoms and more arthritic pain. Lots of stretching and staying way from refined sugar and other toxic stuff. Protect yourself. Triggering stuff is everywhere.

Monday, October 9, 2017

Try to Keep Some Sense of Being Grounded

Symptoms and exhaustion. Don't let your guard down and then black out. You have to protect yourself. Try to keep your p/h levels balanced. To a degree, that helps to stay somewhat grounded. But the pain never goes away.

Sunday, October 8, 2017

Saturday, October 7, 2017

Face Your History as Best You Can

The pain never goes away. Despite that, you have to face your trauma history as best you can. Unless it endangers you in some way.

We know it's not our fault. But you struggle with sadness, abandonment and wondering, where's our sense of justice? Lots of other people want nothing to do with us or our history. That's their problem. We're telling the truth.

But in the process, you have to protect yourself as best you can.

It's not our fault.
We did nothing wrong.
We did nothing wrong.
It's not our fault.

Protect yourself.

Friday, October 6, 2017

Abandonment and Pain

It's not our fault. Fight really hard to not dissociate. But lots of people who say they cared abandoned us. The pain never goes away.

Thursday, October 5, 2017

Fight Symptoms

Protect yourself. Screen everything because triggering content is everywhere. You have to fight back to keep some sense of being grounded.

Stay safe.

Wednesday, October 4, 2017

It's Not Our Fault

Everywhere you look, it's triggering stuff. Almost 600 people get killed in Las Vegas. And no powerful person that could do something about it seems to care. Blood money from the NRA is more important than saving lives with gun control. Right now.

It's too much pain.
Turn it off.
It's not our fault.
Do something else.

We just want to feel safe.

Protect Yourself

No TV today. Screen everything and protect yourself. Don't dissociate. Do something else.

Abandonment and despair still happen. But you have to fight back to keep some sense of being grounded. What else can you do?

Tuesday, October 3, 2017

It's a High Triggering Content Day

Triggering stuff is everywhere. Screen everything. Fight symptoms and don't let your guard down so you'll slip and dissociate. It'll just make pain worse.

Stay safe.

Monday, October 2, 2017

Triggering Stuff is Everywhere

No TV today. Everywhere you look it's the Las Vegas shooting. The death toll continues to go up. But NOBODY is screaming gun control RIGHT NOW. Instead, it's "not appropriate". It's the wrong time? Really? Tell that to the spirits of those who died. Tell that to the surviving grieving families and friends. Instead, money from the gun lobby always comes first. Right manufacturers are ECSTATIC. Why? Because after mass shootings, gun sales ALWAYS go up. In our current capitalist society, that always comes first. Just make sure you maintain spin control on this.

Symptoms are always there. Today, stay away from TV. Instead, protect yourself. One minute there are moments of clarity. Then horrible despair. But we did nothing wrong. We can't handle our pain and the pain of the world all at the same time.

Do you feel like you see all of the hypocracy in the world?


Sunday, October 1, 2017

Fighting to Not Dissociate

Really struggling to not dissociate. It's easy to slip and then dissolve. You have no idea of what time it is or where you are. You can't let your guard down. You have to protect yourself.

Had another severe reaction to sugar. Is this a symptom of one type of cancer? Or something else. Tomorrow we go see the new GP. Then the colonoscopy happens at the end of the month.

Stay safe.