Monday, June 20, 2016

You Have to Fight Back

How's your 24 hour cycle (since this is a global blog)? Here, symptoms are still there. Nightmares, body pain, anal pain, torture flashbacks and wanting to attack anyone who gets in my way. How do you cope with all of that?

It's not a matter of zen bliss 24 hours a day. Instead, you're trying to have some sense of being grounded. On bad days with anger, you try to focus on going into a crowded place safely. But even if you do that, everything still feels magnified. Sights, sounds, colors, violent triggers and everything feels like a threat. Not everyone is a terrorist who wants to kill us. But you still have to be careful. Many times, that means just sitting and watching hundreds of people walk around you. Sometimes you sit for a long time. Then again, you have to do the responsible thing.

Same thing applies when you have split second thoughts about raping and killing little kids. I still believe that psychologically it's bad to deny that those thoughts exist. When they do happen (fortunately not for a long time), you try to protect yourself and others.

Just because those thoughts are there doesn't mean that they're true.
We have no desire to hurt anybody.
If we can't ground ourselves, we leave.

You can't just sit back and do nothing. You have to do the right thing.

Do you have thoughts about death? What if I wasn't here? Would ANYBODY care? When they do happen, you have to focus really hard to not get sucked into that downward spiral of thought. Otherwise, you feel like you're falling apart.

Do you still struggle with the severity of your symptoms? We do. Dissociative blackouts still happen. Thoughts about attacking others who treated us like crap. Then again, we're not responsible for what other horrible people do. They have to live with the consequences of their actions. Not us.

What effects does fighting symptoms every day have on you? You never ever have a break, and you can't just sit back and do nothing. Otherwise, you literally disappear.

You don't have a choice.

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