Monday, May 31, 2010

Be Very Careful

Happy Memorial Day in the States. But actually in many other parts of the world, it's not. Our suggestion. Be very careful.

Lots of triggers. They could lead to that we-know-everything-that's-happening-today idea. So why bother?

Protect yourself at all costs. Selective activism seems to be the best approach at the moment.

We still have to fight all the time to not blackout. Hopefully today will be a little easier.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Fighting Back

A rough start today. Lots of flashbacks and dissociating. At times it's hard to know what's real and what's not. Even if you touch lots of solid things to be aware of where you are, it still might not help. What do you do then?

We've been reading a lot online re: diet and connected conditions (bi-polar depression being one). When one celeb goes public with this, hopefully it will help raise awareness. Now though, it seems like there's a backlash. In a (sick?) kind of way, some see this as yet another way for celebs to be "in". Bi-polar is like the latest handbag?

How do you respond to that? Aside from this being incredibly shallow and naive, it's really insulting to those who are trying to get help. And, who may not have access to the best treatment that money can buy.

If a celeb goes public with trauma, they have an instant audience. If we did this, would the MSM pay attention?

You be the judge.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

It's in the Balance

A nice sunny day. We're at the well-known bookstore with the free wifi, working away. Still no demands from them for outrageous fees. So we'll take that as a good sign.

Also a good sign? Be aware of triggers and setting boundaries. A lot of things may seem like second nature. But if necessary, ask yourself. Do we really need to do this/watch this/read this? If you have that Executive Producer feeling (I know exactly what they're going to say. When they'll say it. And why), trust that and turn it off.

Your balance is more important. Obama doesn't have the luxury of being able to disconnect. But we do.

Do you still have nightmares, flashbacks and body memory? At times we do. Still no luck in finding the new therapist. We're juggling about 10 different things at the moment.

Also, had a job interview yesterday. Didn't get to the second round. But it went really well. Now back to the global networking.

Have a nice day :).

Sunday, May 23, 2010

We're Feeling Sad (Contains Graphic Content)

It's a sunny afternoon. Yet, we feel really sad. Despair is really crippling.

My multiples and little kid don't understand.

How come nobody loves us? How come nobody will pay attention that we exist?
I do.

But how come nobody else will? Does anybody care what happens to us?
Some do.

The how come nobody will pay attention? How come nobody will touch us? Are they afraid that they'll get raped too if they do?

Flashbacks. Lots of sick scenes. Psycho rapists going down on you. Monsters behind every corner. If you see flashing lights, do you have flashbacks? If you're using EMDR in your therapy, does this act as a trigger?

You feel stuck. The others are downstairs. You know something's wrong. Yet, you can't move. The psycho rapist gets naked and so do you. You get into bed and he's behind you. Nobody's watching or listening.

He's not wearing a condom. He's breathing heavy as he stick his dick in your ass. You're terrified, but you can't move. You want to scream, but you can't. You feel like a piece of meat.

Nobody's going to come in and save you. Nobody's paying attention. Does anyone give s shit about you?

Do you want to just die? No. Yet, nobody's going to save you. He fucks you harder and the pain gets worse. You want to scream, but you can't. A million sick thoughts flash thru your mind. Yet, nobody will save you. If this psycho tries to kill you, will anybody care?

He fucks you harder. And then finally he cums. It's sick and horrible. You don't know what to do. He gets up, and doesn't say anything. Does he do this all the time? Does he have any STD's or AIDS? Will we die of AIDS at the age of 8?

Nobody listens. Nobody cares. Will anyone believe us if we tell?

He does this. The sick psycho grandfather (who's now dead) rapes us too. Again, nobody cares. Nobody pays attention. Instead, we get screamed at.

If pyscho #1 is still alive, we could file charges. Or a civil suit. But that means going to court, an attorney. Expenses. And no gurantee that we'll get anything at all. Plus, if we go public that we have PTSD, legally any commercial health coverage firm in the States could essentially blackball us (it's a "pre-existing" condition). Which is the same as getting raped all over again.

We're not going to kill ourselves. We're not going to hurt ourselves. But, can we trust anybody?

Saturday, May 22, 2010

Working Really Late

Staying up really late to catch up on the job ad backlog. You can RSS feed a lot of them. But some of those feeds are hard to customize. Which means a lot of repetition.

But we're making progress. And taking stuff in small segments. Also, we're not responsible for what others say and do.

Flashbacks still happen at times. But you keep going.

Multitask 24/7?

Into the weekend. And covering a lot online. More job openings. And still no personal assistant.

Add to that possibly having to move (unless we can extend the current lease). How do you cope these days? Do you feel any sense of balance (despite the global depression. Call it what it really is)? At times we do. But at times it's a rough slog.

Back to it.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Work Globally

Hi from a well-known national bookstore chain with free wi-fi. If I say the name, they'll probably want to charge me a wi-fi fee. And they have enough money as it is already. So we'll leave it at that.

Covering lots of bases. And, it's nice to get away from the monotony of always working at home. Don't misunderstand, it's nice to have a home, period. But, it's a matter of creatively using your tools to network. Security comes first. But be as flexible as you can.

Take things in tiny segments. We're getting about 5 scam calls a day now on the Blackberry. Is it like if you answer one instantly all scammers worldwide are notified and start calling you? If there's a market for global credit cards, then there's a makret for anything.

How are you coping? Do you edit everything as well? We have no choice. And besides, if you feel like you know literally all the news for that day, what's the point?

Back to the applications.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Stay Proactive

How's your day? Here, we're juggling about 10 things all at once. We're really working to keep our balance. And in the process it doesn't seem like ten things?

Cover the bases. Stay off stumulants. And take lots of breaks. Flashbacks and dissociating still are rough to deal with. The despair still happens at times as well.

But you keep going.

Saturday, May 15, 2010

Take It in Tiny Segments

How's the weekend? We had to give our two-month notice on the apt. Friday. Then we took the day off. Unplugged everything and just chiiled out. Today, it's slowly covering all the angles so we have protection and a place to go.

How are you coping with symptoms these days? Are you finding the proper help? Here, we have health coverage. But it's only local. And at this point, we have to look everywhere for the next job. Monday, we'll see about getting temporary help with rent and utilities. Aside from that, it's sell everything necessary and protect yourself as much as possible. We've been homeless twice already due to PTSD. And we really don't want to go thru that again.

Another key point? You're not responsible for what others do and say. Take things in small segments. Compartmentalize and see what happens.

Back to scouting locations online.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Online Security and More

How's your week? How's your job hunting (if you are)? If you're looking, be careful with lots of ads.

Many on various well-known sites are fake. They're phish ads to get your credit card information. The site looks totally legit. And then there's a link to send "your credit history". How many firms do you know that do this? Also, if they say we cater luch for our staff late at night, again a red flag. On a film set, yes. But in the rest of the world, no.

Still fighting symptoms here and looking for the new job. If no new job by Friday, here's the latest plan:

Give notice on our lease (to avoid the astronomical penalties)
Sell as much as possible
Find all the work we can
Find a new place to live
Build up as much protection as possible
Keep out positive balance as best we can
Break things into tiny segments

Any other suggestions on how to cope?

Monday, May 10, 2010

A Rough Day (Contains Graphic Content)

How was your Monday? Here, lots of battles on the phone to try and get help with victim compensation. Lots of people who apparently couldn't listen and lashed out at us (for something that's not our fault). Then someone else who thought that you just won't find the help that you need in your area. So just roll over and give up?

You don't want to get eaten alive by anger and frustration. You try to compartmentalize and cope as best you can. But you have those moments when you wonder, is anybody going to admit that we exist?

Now, some good news. We have a pending fulltime job offer. More on this as it happens.

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Trying to Stay Focused

How's the weekend? Back home and catching up on more resume rewriting. Then, try everywhere. Do it all in tiny segments.

What are some hard things for trauma survivors to keep in mind?:

It's not your fault.
You're not responsible for what others do and say. Regardless of who they are.
Protection and balance come first.

How are you in dealing with these? Coping well right now? If you know of a cool thing to help you cope, let us know too.

Also, we've had a request for reputable EMDR links. The bad news is that (a) there are only a few EMDR studies that we've found. And (b), there are still some therapists who don't believe in EMDR OR PTSD.

Back to the resumes.

Friday, May 7, 2010

Take Tiny Segments

Happy Friday. Here, we're taking things in really small segments.

The new job hasn't come thru yet. If not in a week, then we'll have to give notice on our apt and then move. To where? We don't know yet.

But, we're trying every source we can to get help with the bills. And, going back to school. At this point, we're not sure exactly where yet. But there's a chance we could go back abroad for it. Good thing the passport's up-to-date.

How are you coping right now? Feel free to comment.

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

How Do You Find Your Balance?

Trying to keep up on our sleep and our holistic program. But despite all of that, we still have to fight to focus. It feels like our tolerance for a lot of our favorite foods is either way down or totally gone. And, there's no book or study about the connection between diet and trauma.

Do we have to do everything?

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Hot and Muggy(in this part of the world)

Lots of triggers today. Be very careful as you edit stuff.

Like for lots of people, money here is really tight. We may have to start selling stuff again to help cover some bills. But, we try to take things in small steps and cover all the bases.

Flashbacks and dissociating still happen. It really sucks when it's a nice day and you're fighting really sick and twisted lucid dreams. Then again, what else can you do?

If your intuition is saying we've seen this before so what's the point, you're probably right. Turn it off and put on a CD. Much better for your health overall.

Monday, May 3, 2010

Edit Everything (Contains Graphic Content)

It's another dangerous trigger day. Everywhere you look, it's oil spills, earthquakes, terrorist acts and more. Which means we have to edit everything.

Also, where necessary make changes. If doing something is making you nuts, stop it. Food, listening to racist morons or whatever. If nobody's forcing you to do it, then switch it off.

Your peace of mind comes first. You can't control what others do and say. But, you can cut into their profit margin in some cases as you go elsewhere.

The other thing? Take things in tiny segments. And see what happens.

Sunday, May 2, 2010

Protection Comes First(contains graphic content)

Lots of stretching today. Also, we went for a long run, lifted and swam too. Then, tai chi and more meditation.

Despite all the good stuff, everything still has to be edited. One reason is because our intuiton is picking up on a lot. It's like you're the only one that sees everything that's happening. Which then makes you ask, what's the point of watching/listening/reading?

Unless something big happens, it doesn't look like the progressives will actually bad together in some way. Many call this capitalizing on the "Obama Effect". Yet, is this happening? No. In many areas, it's essentially every person for themselves. Which at times leads to lots of repetition and asking what's the point?

That doesn't mean don't care. Instead, be selective where you choose to speak out and act. We all know that for trauma survivors this is especially difficult. If you're a celebrity and write a book, instantly you're accepted.

If you're not, what chances do you have of a major publisher picking it up?

If you're a guy survivor, the MSM doesn't want you. 99.9% of the progressive media doesn't want you.

Which means you have to build your own network.

Yes, at times we get really pissed off about this. Also, occasionally we think about suicide. Yet, will we act on that (and give those assholes that treated us like shit) the satisfaction?

Absolutely not.

Unless you're their boss, you can't control what others do and say. But also, if they don't want to admit that you exist, go elsewhere. Which is what we chose to do.

It's consistent content and word-of-mouth. Think of it as holistic guerrilla marketing.

Saturday, May 1, 2010

A Hot and Muggy Saturday

Another hot and muggy weekend here. Went over to our favorite well-known health food store (and then to the well-known bookstore). There we saw a Communist Party flatbed truck driving around trying to sign people up. First, it is May Day (happy May Day worldwide). And second, while in our opinion communism isn't the best way to go about change, good for them for speaking out.

Because really, "change" seems to be the IT phrase right now. First, it was Obama. And nothing happened with him. Then in the U.K., we have the upcoming Prime Minister's election. For anyone who doesn't know about this, a short review:

David Cameron- Leader of the Conservative Tories.
Gordon Brown- Leader of the Labour Party.
Nick Clegg- Leader of the Liberal Democrats.

The Tories an Labour have hired some Stateside "campaign consultants" to come over and advise them. But out of all three, the Lib Dems seem to have the most real change in their policies. Also, in a sense it's like the last election here. Up until the last minute, many said Obama had no chance in hell of winning. Of course, Hillary DESERVES to win (after all the crap the MSM put her thru. I mean, it's only fair). But then he won. Yet, almost no actual change has happened.

Clegg has gone from the bottom guy to almost Number 1. The U.K. MSM is pissed off because frankly he's not keeping his mouth shut. Which means the normal Other Two Party System that everyone's profited off of is all messed up. And, there's a good chance that he'll win.

Will the world come to an end if he does? No.

Will lots of MSM "journalists" get sacked and then have to get new jobs? Possibly.

Obviously, in a for-profit business like politics everything will be spun to the maximum to benefit your candidate. Yet, from a trauma survivors point-of-view, you have to draw the line. You have to say, right. Singlehandedly, we can't save the world from all the evil neocons. Instead, we'll protect ourselves and work on tiny segments of an issue. Keeping in mind that protection comes first.

It's easy to have a go at someone from the comofort of your living room. Instead, why not do this? If you really disagree with someone/something, cut into their profit margin. Odds are, if one person speaks out, not many will pay attention. But if said corporation (or person) loses a lot of money, THEN they have time for you.

Just an opinion. Instead of just bitching about something, turn the anger into positive action.