Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Endless Despair(Contains potenitally triggering content. Read at your own risk)

We're still trying to cut out sugar in the diet as much as possible. A lot of evidence shows that sugar affects your body medically like doing coke. It stimulates pleasure centers in your brain, which means more means you want to do more. We're almost down to none for three days now.

The good news? It lowers your chance of:

heart disease
early onset of Parkinsons, Alzheimers and more
your PTSD symptoms getting worse

The bad news? A feeling of emptiness and severe depression. Many times, you don't know what to do. At times you just sit and almost feel paralyzed. You don't want to give them the satisfaction of hurting yourself (or anyone else). Despite that, it's always there.

I won't go back to medication because the last doctor I dealt with was a joke. Your doctor laughs in your face and says, who's the doctor here? I decide what meds you take and what you don't. Just shut up and do as you're told.

And some people wonder why the Stateside "health care system" is so messed up.

We're taking things in 5 second increments. How do I get from here to here? How do I go from my desk to the kitchen? What's my escape plan if I'm in a crowded place and hyperawareness happens? On minute there's some clarity. Then, feeling like you don't exist.

Do you feel abandoned? I do. You can't make anyone else understand about trauma. On the other hand, human beings aren't light switches. You get raped and then say, right. No time for normal human emotions. Get on with it.

Your tip for the day. The cleaner your system is, the sharper your intuition. Also, the more backed up trauma will come out.

It feels like there's no break to the despair.

Monday, August 27, 2012

Lots of Leads

Lots of job leads, everywhere you look. The trick is trying to stay focused and pace yourself as symptoms flare up. Some moments are ok. Others are paralyzing.

There's still sadness and a feeling of being an outsider looking at your own life. Why do these keep replaying? I'm not sure. Having said that, it's still rough to try and handle.

At times you just sit and cry. Then, try to keep your balance and keep going.

Sunday, August 26, 2012

Trying to Cope (Contains potentially triggering content. Read at your own risk)

Have a nice weekend? Time to catch up.

Trust your intuition,  and stay away from as much triggering stuff as possible. We're trying to take stuff in 5 second icnrements. How do I get from the couch to the kitchen without blacking out? How do I get in and out of this store without attacking anybody? Hyperawareness is still there. There's no visible threat. However, that's not good enough. You have to protect yourself. Where's my weapon? You strike first.

Frustration and despair are at time paralyzing. I have trouble walking up stairs. Not because of some physical problem. Just crippling despair. You feel like you can't breathe. Pressure is building, and you can't move. Flashbacks happen, and you scream and hold onto something solid so you don't black out.

Nobody's going to listen and nobody's going to help.

Offing myself has been a thought in the past. However, I'd never do that. Don't deny that it's there. Better to face it head on.

Are you scared to go to sleep at night? I still have to check the room to make sure it's safe. Check the other side of the bed to make sure no one's there. If you roll over on your side, do you still feel like the psycho rapist is there? Do you feel like you're an outside as you try to look at happy stuff that's happened to you? It's like someone takes over your role and says sorry, but you're not good enough to do this. So let me do it and just go away.

Flashbacks to different moments happen. Yet, it feels like nobody cares.

Does anybody care if I'm here?

I go into a store, and at times we just sit and cry. Will anybody ever reassure us in person? We're not permenantly damaged because of being raped, which isn't our fault. But also, what long term effect does this have on someone? Does this lack of contact damage you just like PTSD does?

We still have to scream and fight to wake up in the morning. If we don't, it's like parallel realities all day long. You try to look cool and calm on the outside. On the inside, you're fighting to not snap.

You don't want to snap or die. At times though, you feel like you don't exist. It's like nobody cares, so why bother? You have to fight all the time to not slip into that. I've been doing that every single day since I was raped.

Why? Because your life literally depends on it. Either you fight back, or you die.

Thursday, August 23, 2012

The ONLY Assange Post We'll Ever Do Here

Unfortunately, some rich and powerful people are saying some really idiotic things about rape survivors (the two Swedish women in the Assange case). I won't go into all the details, because I'm sure you know who they are. Also, no need to make dissociating and other symptoms worse.

Instead, some questions that maybe they should consider:

Have you ever been raped? If not, who are you to judge these women?

Since when are you experts on what's a sound legal case to be prosecuted and what isn't? Where did you go to law school? Oh, right. You didn't. But you're still an expert on Swedish criminal law?

Did you ever consider that moronic comments like yours only make ignorance about rape and rape survivors worse? Probably not.

In the endless comments and "coverage" of this case, 99.9% of it is about women rape survivors. How come the various "pundits" refuse to talk about guy survivors?

What if in this case it was two Swedish guys filing rape complaints against an Australian woman? Would they be ridiculed? Would anyone take them seriously?

We all know that prosecutors won't go forward with a case unless they believe there's a high chance of success. All criminal matters have statutes of limitations. By hiding out in the Ecudorian Embassy, Assange can run these out. If he does, then the complaints are no longer valid. This means that Sweden has no reason to extradite. Assuming this could mean years, how will Assange spin the press for that long to his side?

One problem in this case is subjective amnesia. Many people only want to believe what they want to hear. Most have never been to Sweden. They don't know anything about the Swedish legal system or rape laws. Yet, all of them know that this is a CIA setup to send Assange to Guantanemo. Nobody stops to consider various people (Spielberg, Michael Moore, John Pilger and others) who continue to make money off of Assange.

Does this mean that in this capitalist system, personal fame and fortune outweigh rape laws and legitimate rape survivors that deserve to be heard and get some type of justice?

You be the judge.

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Everyone Deserves to Be Heard

Really fighting to keep our balance and to feel like we're being heard. Do you have those days when you ask, is anyone paying attention? Does anyone care that I'm here? Not always, but at times you feel like your life flashes before you. It's like a highlight reel of endless examples where you're screaming for help, and nobody listens. They laugh in your face, they insult you, they say it's YOUR fault. Then, just go away.

You see this and feel like saying what's the point? That's not a death wise in any way. That's just being honest. Would anyone care if I wasn't here? I've had a long streak of others in person who didn't care. Do I matter to you at all? You keep saying I do. Then you say it's your fault.

You can't have it both ways. Do you only choose to see what you want to see? The rest just doesn't exist because you can't be bothered to deal with it?

There's no monopoly on suffering from trauma. Women don't get bonus points in suffering because in general guys still have more power over women. I don't have all of the problems that a women rape survivor does. However, I have many that society refuses to deal with.

The number of guy survivors is so small, that alone reinforces that women survivors deserve more attention because guys have power? That's insulting and weak. If any women mental health professionals really believe that, get a different career.

How come women survivors can have rape testing kits to help them, but guys can't?

How is the pain and humiliation of rape different for a guy than it is for a woman? Human beings in pain are human beings in pain. Period.

How many reputable mental health professionals would tell a woman to her face that it's her fault for being raped? Society says show compassion. You just don't do that. Yet, if it's a guy, human decency goes out the window because it's just too freaking weird to deal with a guy survivor?

All trauma survivors deserve to be heard. Not doing that only perpetuates ignorance that some rich and powerful people are spreading.

If a guy survivor speaks out, why not show some respect by actually listening? If you try to reassure them with a non-threatening hug, you won't get raped. How would you like it if literally no one ever hugged you or touched you in any way to try and help you after some trauma happened? I've only had one person do that for me. One person. Ever.

What kind of effect does that have on you? I'd like to believe that I'm not permenantly damaged in any way. Yet, much of society says piss off and go away. We don't want you here. Merely because of being raped, which wasn't my fault.

Just like the headline says, there's no monopoly on suffering. There's no group that are the only ones who really get it, and the rest just need to shut up and go away. Attitudes like that only add to the current idiotic and insulting garbage that's everywhere.

All rape survivors deserve to be heard equally.

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

A Product or a Person?

Some focus at the moment as we try to keep body chemistry in mind. If you go to far in either direction, you can't focus and PTSD symptoms seem magnified. Where's the balancing point? It's different for everyone.

In our case, it seems like lots of extremes. One minute you have some sense of clarity. You can focus for 30 seconds and not dissociate. Then, you're one step above offing yourself. While we would never do that, how do you cope when you feel totally worthless? Nobody wants anything to do with you. It's not your fault, and you know that's not true. Despite that, the idea is still there.

It feels like an endless football game. You literally fight for every inch against an opponent that just wants to beat you down. Nobody will listen to you or help you because, you're their worst nightmare? Instead, some will try to be polite when they really want you to just go away. Most rational people wouldn't tell a woman rape survivor to shut up and go away. What the hell's wrong with you? She didn't ask to be raped.

This is considered normal. The proper thing for rational, decent people to do. However, if it's a guy survivor, that goes out the window?

That's just too weird.
The number is so small that nobody cares.
That's your problem. You were stupid enough to get raped? What's your problem?

Would you say any of that to women who get raped? No. Why? Because that's sick.

Yet, guy survivors don't exist. If we can manipulate this for ratings or to sell papers, fine. If not, people are sick of this shit.

How would you feel if someone said that to you? Everywhere you turn, nobody will listen or help in any way.

Would you trust anyone? If someone says they care about you, are they lying?

If a celebrity comes out and says they're a rape survivor, that's their choice. If they write a book and do the talk shows to promote it, that's also their choice. On the other hand, many of these people are set for life. If they choose to get help, being denied care do to a "pre-existing condition" isn't a problem. It's the best money can buy.

A question. In this case, are you helping to get an important message out? Or, are you merely hyping a product for profit?

In many avenues, various diseases and other problems are a punchline. Many don't directly say this person suffers from depression, PTSD or something else. Instead, it's "that problem". "His issues". Or, "the guy's a fucking nutcase". But we still love to watch him play.

If you're a rape survivor, are you a commodity to be manipulated for profit? Or, are you a human being that didn't ask for this but also deserves respect?

That's one reason why this blog will never be owned by some giant corporation. No Google Ad Sense ads. No online store pushing everything you can imagine. It's all free.

In return, just spread this to everyone you think it could help. Unless it could potentially hurt someone in some way.

Monday, August 20, 2012

It's a High Stress Day(contains potentially triggering content. Read at your own risk)

Back to the grind. Also, it's a really high triggering content day. Think of it as a really bad smog alert. You try to go outside, and can literally see the brown air all around you.

Our suggestion? Unless you have to deal with this stuff for work or some other reason, don't. Nobody else will protect you as you heal from the trauma that you're dealing with. I still struggle with that feeling of being abandoned. Some just want nothing to do with you, and will do anything to change the subject. Does this mean you're really bored with talking about this? Or, am I your worst nightmare, and you just want me to shut up and go away?

Can you trust anyone? I'd like to think that out of the other roughly 7 billion people on the planet, there's at least one that I can. The problem is when you've had a really long streak of being treated like dirt, it's extremely tough to do that. You don't want to be burned out, angry and cynical all the time. On the other hand, can you trust them?

Without listing a lot of triggering stuff that would totally spoil your day, it seems like there's a growing amount of selective amnesia. Basically, you choose to see only what you want to see. The other stuff magically doesn't exist (even when you know it does). This means in many cases that many groups won't work together, because there's no reason to. It's every person for themselves. How much can we spin this for maximum ratings or profit? In some cases, if you try to speak out, the Powers that Be instantly try to beat you down. Their idea seems to be who has more money, power and time. In other cases, it's just silly trolls cutting each other down for the thrill of seeing it online? Who knows.

What should you do? Unless you have to deal with it, don't. This will mean having more free time for other stuff. This also means that the said Powers that Be will have less profit. Because we all know that to really be heard, (a) you have to do something big to be seen as a "story with legs". Then (b), where are you trending on social media? Are you hot or not? If everyone who doesn't like a particular TV program stops watching it (potentially millions?), the network will pay attention. Could a network's ratings go down 50% in one week? That's not just a "Newsroom" story line. It is possible to do that.

Why then don't people do it? Because not all but many love to bitch from the comfort of their couch. Then again, they don't seem to realize that not adding to the corporate profit will take maybe ten seconds out of their day. What's more fun? Be lazy and bitch.

Unfortunately, that doens't work. Also, we won't rehash millions of posts, books, articles, DVD's, documentaries and "explosive inside bestsellers that tell you the TRUE INSIDE story (did I already say inside?)" about what we already know. See the previous two paragraphs.

Be selective about what and who you deal with, as much as possible. Why? Because, how valuable is your peace of mind as you try to heal from trauma?

Friday, August 17, 2012

When Should Survivors Speak Out?

It's Friday. Also, lots of anger, frustration and trying hard not to snap. Have an escape plan just in case hyperawareness happens. How do you get out of this without attacking someone else? You feel like you're going to snap in two.

Hyperawareness is still there. We feel like we're about 5 steps ahead. If everyone else would just listen to us, all of these problems would be solved. Then again, it's not my job to save the world. Your protection comes first. Why? Because nobody else will do it for you.

We don't want to feel burned out and cynical forever. On the other hand, at times we feel like see everything happening, and nobody else does. If we know everything that will happen and what the responses will be, why look at it? An incredible time saver?

Emptiness is there, and it feels many times like you're one step above killing yourself. This DOESN'T mean that we would do that. It's just important to face the fact that that despair is there.

Do you feel like you have to cure yourself? You didn't ask to be raped. Now, no one can be bothered to help you. Which means it's YOUR job to fix it?

We don't want to feel cheated. Which means try to maintain some sense of balance. Not zen perfection. But some calm. However, as you do that, the anger and all the rest of it is there.

You have to protect yourself. Offline and on. Unfortunately, nobody else will do it for you. How do you do that? Don't leave any obvious clues that be used to out you. Nobody should be forced to out themselves, no matter what the underlying trauma is.

When flashbacks happen, does grounding yourself help? We try to be aware of things in the space around you. Walk around with something in your hand for a while. Have different sources of non-threatening stimulus to help you focus.

Maybe one of the most important things? Keep in mind it's not your fault. When many people talk about rape survivors, we hear the same thing. Women are generally more willing to talk about it. Many guys won't.

Why? Who knows. It could be a wide range of things. Does this mean that guys are someone how less than women survivors? No. Just in my case, it helps to speak out. I've tried to thru a wide range of well-known sources. 99% of the time, no one cared. Then I said, fine. I'll start my own outlet. Now, we have readers all over the States and in almost 40 countries. With NO budget.

How many media outlets can say THAT?

Have a nice day.

Thursday, August 16, 2012

Tea, Cookies and No Dissociating

Today, a real mix of stuff. Had two job interviews, but didn't get either opening. Lots of emptiness today. You cover different things, but at times you also feel almost paralyzed. It feels like you're about 4 steps ahead of the rest of the world. What's the point of commenting when you know everything that will happen?

Which means a break today for a while. Be aware of what you can control and what you can't. If necessary, turn it off and do something else.

Also, the emptiness (a step up from offing yourself) means that you're not "abnormal". We really don't want another nervous breakdown because of being raped. Having said that, at times it's heard to find and lock onto positive stuff. At really bad moments, we just sit and listen to what's around us. Fight the negative loop of you suck, you're pathetic, and all the rest of it.

Lots of triggering stuff everywhere. Do you really have to deal with this?

A little more tea and maybe one more cookie. Then, back to the job leads.

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

This Needs to be Said (Contains Graphic/Potentially Triggering Content. Read at your own risk).

Excuse me if this sounds patronizing in any way. With all the triggering stuff happening everywhere you look, it's necessary to say a few important things about trauma survivors. Regardless of what you're dealing with.

Nobody asks to be raped, beaten, tortured or anything else.

Nobody likes pain, humiliation and being treated like dirt.

Nobody likes being ignored as they turn everywhere they can for help. Then, all of these people
laugh in their face and say fuck off.

3 out of 10 people are dealing with some form of PTSD.

Women rape survivors exist. How come men aren't allowed to exist as well?

Is feeling safe every day as you walk out of your house a basic human right?

Is it necessary for everyone 18 and older to walk around armed at all times so they'll feel safe?

Why do many people say "sexually abused" instead of rape? Is this for legal reasons? Or, is it just because we don't talk about stuff like that in polite society. Unless we can get killer ratings from it.

How can prosecuting being raped be a waste of a prosecutor's office's time? It's the survivor's job to CONVINCE them that they're telling the truth?

Would the world end if a rape survivor (woman or guy) actually said this psycho pedophile repeatedly raped the shit out of me? And, nobody did a fucking thing about it?

Why do many in positions of power apparently love to say well, you know what that guy (alleged pedophile) did? That "stuff"? Would you say that to a woman survivor?

Should cops use rape kits for both women and guy survivors?

Many believe that PTSD never goes away. Who's responsible for that?

Should people who tell rape survivors it's YOUR fault go to jail?

Are innocent kids who get raped by pedophiles actual human beings who deserve respect? Or, are they just tools to be used by others to make a profit and so they can maintain their money and power?

What do you tell a survivor who doesn't know where to turn?

If you hug a rape survivor in a non-threatening way, are you afraid that you'll get raped too?

Human beings with emotions aren't light switches. Get attacked. Then instantly turn trauma off and say, right. Carry on.

Thanks for reading.

Monday, August 13, 2012

A Global Message

It must be Monday. One reason? It seems like now practically everyone has their own TV channel. Regular TV, satellite, cable, Net, whatever.

What does that have to do with this blog? Just that at times people ask about will you sell this to some giant megamedia corporation? Then, it's a division and you have to answer to the home office.

No, for several reasons. One, all of the content here is free. Why put Ad Sense ads with talking about trauma? Second, giving up control means you have to answer to someone else's idea of what's "the right way to go". Our consultants say this. Change that.

Do you really want to be a part of a marketing campaign? No thanks.

This means stick to word-of-mouth advertising. We're now in almost every state, and in almost 40 countries worldwide. With ZERO advertising budget. Can the NYT say that? I didn't think so. Besides, the corporate MSM's made it clear they want nothing to do with trauma survivors UNLESS they can make profit off them.

Okay. We'll do this ourselves.

As for other stuff, emptiness is still there. You know you have certain things to do. As you go along, you feel empty and not sure of what to say or do. At times, you feel almost paralyzed. You don't want to go back on any meds at all. You can't afford to go to a therapist. Which means you make do in other ways.

Thanks for the support. Spread this everywhere you can, as long as it doesn't hurt you in any way.

Sunday, August 12, 2012

Strike First (Contains graphic material. Read at your own risk).

At times today there's some focus. On the other hand, lots of emptiness. You scream to get
anger out so you don't get eaten alive by it. You don't want to black out and then wonder
where you are and what did you do.

All of our sources say this is perfectly normal. You're not psycotic. You're not going to have a nervous breakdown. All of this has to come out.

You fight to not dissociate or disappear in flashbacks. What's real and what isn't? You try to ground yourself with solid things. Despite that, it doesn't always help. What do you do then?

At times, you feel like you have to shock yourself into some sense of balance. If you don't, you feel empty and ask, what's the point? You don't want to give them the satisfaction by offing yourself. You have to fight to keep some sense of balance. Not perfection. Just balance.

Feeling cheated is a common thing for survivors. Have some positive things happened? Yes. However, it's really tough at times to hold onto those as you feel like you're bombarded with horrible stuff. You feel like you're going to scream and literally snap in two.

Yet, this is perfectly normal.

At night, we're totally wiped out. We're also many times scared to go to sleep. Will we have to fight off lucid dreams? The psycho pedophile tries to pin us down as he laughs as then tries to rape us. We fight him off, and then kill him before he kills us. We don't have a choice. We have to strike first.

Now, fight this off a hundred times a day. And, do everything else you have to do as well. No one will save you. No one will protect you. Nobody will listen.

What choice do you have?

It's true. You can't make people understand about trauma. On the other hand, you can protect yourself. Because nobody else will.

Saturday, August 11, 2012

How to Be Heard on a Global Scale

More of fighting symptoms today. Screaming in my car, punching out the steering wheel, trying not to attack anyone in the process. Now, it's stay home and enjoy some tea.

Also, here's an idea. We won't get into the specific sea of global triggering stuff that's happening. You know you're part of the world better than anybody. Instead, let's put out some positive energy.

Regardless of whatever your beliefs are, there's one constant. Everything is made up of energy. Just like gravity is always there, same thing with energy. If you agree, it only makes sense that positive karma creates an effect.

Is this some "conspiracy theory"? Not at all. This has actually been scientifically tested. When a large group of people focused on spreading positive energy, it was actually detected in the earth's magnetic field. This tells me that this does work.

Why not then spend some time doing this instead of adding to the global-corporate-hate-whatever that seems to be spreading all over the world. Another option? Turn off  your TV. Stop buying newspapers and magazines that you don't agree with. How long will this take in your busy schedule? Maybe 10 seconds. If millions of people did this, someone would pay attention. I don't know who. Someone would.

The point is yes, it is your choice in the end. Endlessly recycling the same comments doesn't work. IF you want to be heard, make it count.

Just one opinion.

Friday, August 10, 2012

The High Today Will Be?

How hot can it get today? You be the judge.

More emptiness as we try to keep some sense of focus. How do we stand out from the rest of the crowd in the job search? Where do we need to post online? In a sense it's kind of nice to not give into the urge to post comments on every thing you see. Ask, will this really solve anything? If not, go elsewhere.

We still keep the cell phone and a knife at the foot of the bed at night. A gun's too expensive and just a bad idea. However, we just feel safer. We still take a weapon when we go out if we need to. Nobody else will protect you. We try not to give into the all-people-are-evil-and-can't-be-trusted idea. It's tough though to feel like there's someone you can trust when you've had a long streak of people laughing at you and treating you like dirt when you're fighting to get some help.

In a sense, it's selective amnesia. Mnay people for whatever reasons refuse to see the evidence right in front of them. Someone beats them or their kids. Climate change is getting worse. The national debt can never be repaid. The list keeps going. Yet, if we just close our eyes and magically wish it to all go away, it will? I don't think so.

When you go out and see the same homeless people (who really are homeless) working the same interesection every day when it's 110F, do they REALLY like doing that?

Thursday, August 9, 2012

Setting Boundaries

Covering lots of bases today. Also, fighting lots of dissociative moments. Where are we? How do we get some sense of balance back? We don't want to off ourselves. We don't want to get eaten alive by anger and frustration. We don't want to attack every person that we see.

Everything has to be screened. How do we get thru the next fifteen seconds? Emptiness happens and we feel paralyzed. You go thru the motions, but that's it. Or at least it feels like it.

Do you find happy moments and hold onto them with no problems? We try to. Despite that, it's a real battle to not feel like you're an outsider. You're not allowed to be a part of this. Please sit on the sideline and leave this to someone else.

Make sense?

We just try to protect ourselves, both online and off. It's not your job to make the rest of the world understand everything about trauma. It would make life easier if they did. If they don't, and they don't want to know, that's their loss. Not yours.

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Today's Focus

Today, emptiness, bases to cover and trying to focus. You know you have things to do, and feel like you're going thru the motions. You don't want to dissociate, vanish and not come back. At times I don't know where I am. You try to hold onto solid things around you. Despite that, it doesn't always work.

How do you then ground yourself? One thing we try to do is to have an escape plan in case this happens in a crowded place. Do you really owe the other 200 people in the store a full explanation of being raped and what PTSD is? No, you don't.

In a way, we don't want to slip like other 12 step people do. What's better? An image on a screen, or a real person?

Just try to focus and keep going.

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

It Has to Be Done

More emptiness as we fight to keep some sense of balance. At times, it's like going thru the motions. You have things to do, and you try to prioritize. However, it feels like there's nothing there.

We still screen everything because dissociating and other symptoms are there. Not always, but there are times when we stop and we don't know where we are. We scream and fight to not dissociate. It still happens at times. We also have to fight off attacks in lucid dreams. If we don't, we'll fall apart.

Now, do that about 50 times a day. Try not to feel exhausted and scared.

We have to stop and say, can we go outside? Is it safe? Are we going to have a blackout? How do we protect ourselves? Do we have to cure ourselves?

Emptiness and fear are still there.

Monday, August 6, 2012

Some Focus

For our long term readers (or new ones), you know that this blog is a mix of what it's really like to deal with different types of trauma. Whether you're a rape survivor, battered wife or something else, hopefully there's something here that can help in some way. This also means that at times the content can be pretty triggering (never intentionally, though).

Today, lots of frustration and anger. We're trying as much as possible to not dissociate. Instead of disappearing for hours, go the other way. It's kind of like an addict choosing not to use. See what happens instead.

What's happening is lots of pain, frustration and feeling like you're going to have a heart attack. Pressure builds up and you can't do anything. You try to focus, and you still can't do anything. All of my mental health sources say, this is normal. Many rape survivors go thru this.

Dissociating is your body's way to protect you from non-stop stress. In my case, it's been horrible and untreated for a long time. Only 2 therapists helped me for short periods of time. We still have to screen everything because a lot is too triggering. We feel cheated at times and don't know who to kill first.

Thoughts of death and looking outside at your life are also common. We have no death wise of any type. Why then at times is this still there?

We just want to be able to sit and focus for one minute without dissociating.

Sunday, August 5, 2012

A Day Off

Today is just chill. I'm really sore and exhausted from dealing with symptoms all day long. It feels like you ran an ultramarathon.  Which means today be nice to yourself.
It also means stay away from what you don't really need. Not all but a lot of online content is recycled. One person posts it and then ten others repost it. Maybe they change a few words so it's now "their version" (which really makes it different?). If you look at many sites like this, it's the same style. Re-package content. Have an online store, Pay Pal donate button, the ultralong list of links and all the rest of it.

The point is, why look at it?

Call it ruthless editing or whatever you want. Just be selective.

Thursday, August 2, 2012

Let's Talk About Dissociating

Thanks for the support. Please post us everywhere you can where you think it will help.

A lot of people talk about dissociating. However, maybe you're not sure what that means. Let's explain whether you're a trauma survivor or a family member or friend of someone who is.

Dissociating is basically disconnecting when stress builds up. The range can be mild from normal daydreaming to severe when being attacked. At either end, this is perfectly normal. If you have no way to relieve stress, how would you survive? You wouldn't.

In my case, I can now sit and not dissociate for almost 30 seconds. It's taken me years to be able to reach this point. Most of the time I've felt like I had to cure myself. Nobody else had time to listen or to care. Just go away and fix it.

You can't sit back. You can't do nothing. You have to fight to focus, or feel like you'll disappear.

Why was it so severe for so long? Because of the horror of being raped to two psychos. Then, not being taken seriously or treated in any way. Imagine breaking your leg and not going to a doctor for about ten years. Not likely you'd do that. Yet in my case, NOBODY listened. Nobody asked the right kinds of questions. Not one person ever asked, were you sexually abused?

I know I'm not abnormal in any way. Having said that, I still can't sit for more than a minute without dissociating. It's like having a boom box on for 24/7, and you can't turn it off. Meds won't help. To me, unless you have to take them, that's only a band aid. It's not treating the underlying causes of your problems.

At times, I'm scared and don't know what to do. Will anyone ever pay attention or take me seriously? Will anyone ever give me any reassuring contact of any type? Only one person has ever done that.
How would you deal with that?

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

It's a News Free Day

Lots of bases to cover today. Will the mail show up? We'll see.

In the meantime, there are still lots of ups and downs. One minute, we feel like there's some clarity. You can focus for at least 30 seconds without dissociating. Then, suicidal despair. We'll never act on that. However, it's important to admit that it is there (versus denial).

Every source that we trust all say the same thing. It's horrible what's happening. On the other hand, it's not abnormal in any way. Everybody's different. There's no instant cure for trauma, regardless of what the source is. I just try to keep that in mind in those moments when you feel literally paralyzed.

You go driving down the street, and seeing a little kid with their mom means flashbacks. How come they have what seems to be happiness, and I didn't? How come I can't have that?

Everybody can.
Then how come I never did?

Other questions come to mind. I don't have the answers. On the other hand, I try to keep my sense of emotional balance as best I can. This means trying to face all of this head on. Otherwise, it will come out in lots of bad ways.

This afternoon, all music and no news.