Friday, October 23, 2009

Trying to Focus

Happy Friday.

How are you coping in the Global Economic Meltdown(Depression)? Sources are saying that the mental health budget cuts just keep coming. Some crisis centers are cutting back. Or, some helplines are actually turning people away. It's kind of hard to condense PTSD into a 10 minute call, no?

Lately, one minute it feels like there's a little clarity. Then, violent flashbacks. It feels like millions of sights, sounds and more come flooding out. And then you feel like you're going to black out. Sometimes you don't know where you are.

You feel like aside from the therapist, nobody can be bothered. So you compartmentalize and do your best.

Despite that, the terror of being raped comes out. We curl up in a corner and try to rock back and forth. We try lots of massage to stop adrenalin surges. Salt, sugar and fatty foods are out. The tiniest amount really sets off violent tremors and dissociating. Which means you have to be as healthy as you can.

You try to keep a balance. We're still looking for the new job. We're trying every creative approach we can. Stay away from all triggers as much as possible. Everything still has to be edited.

On really bad days we scream and fight not to black out. We don't know where we are. The sick assholes that raped us keep coming. When we go out someplace we still take a knife with us, just in case lucid dreams happen. Because you have to fight back. We will never be raped again.

How do you keep your clarity? Feel free to post your thoughts. And to pass on this URL everywhere it will help. In this Global Meltdown you do what you have to.

Saturday, October 10, 2009

Balance is the Key

Staying up late writing this and enjoying our latenight snack. Earlier today was really rough. LOTS of violent flashbacks, anger and lucid dreams. It's like everywhere you turn there's a psycho rapist waiting to jump you and then kill you. How do you juggle that AND everything else that you have to do?

We try not to dwell on the frustration and superficial crap that happens in many places. People say one thing to you. But the indirect message is don't ever talk about rape around me. Right. We didn't ask to be raped and go thru all of this s**t. Instead, you just can't be bothered. So keep your mouth shut?

At times it feels like you're getting hit by millions of sights, sounds, noises and more all at once. You feel like you're this close to blacking out. But you have to fight back. Nobody will help you. How do you deal with that fear?

Haven't been able to reach the therapist for over a week now. We'll give it a little more time. But if no luck then we'll go someplace else. If he's busy and just doesn't have time anymore to work with us, why not just email and say that? It seems like the global depression is cutting everything. Some helplines and crisis centers are either shut down or this close to shutting down.

Which means, if you need help where do you go? There's no national PTSD network. RAINN tries to help and routes you to other places. But some (while meaning well) have no training to deal with PTSD. Or guy survivors. What do you do then?

One minute it feels like there's a little bit of stability. Then, terrifying despair. We hold each other tight and try to ride it out as we shake violently because flashbacks are so scary. Even with that, nobody will help.

Does this happen to you. What do you do?

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Not Sure What to Do

There's a little bit of clarity as we sit and write this. But earlier today was really terrifying. We had to hold onto each other because it felt like ALL of the fear, frustration and terror from being raped was coming out. You feel like nobody's going to help you. So what do you do? Eventually we could focus again and move on. But it's really tough to try and do that.

Other stuff. We haven't been able to reach the therapist for almost a week now. We'll give it a little more time. But if it doesn't work, then we have to find somewhere else to go. In our case, it may have to be phone appointments. Which means trying to get used to someone new and deciding can you trust them or not.

You can use all the usual grounding technqiues. But how do you cope when none of those work? How do you deal with the paralyzing fear?

Monday, October 5, 2009

Do You Ever Feel Like This?

How's your Monday? Maybe now a little more focus. Earlier today it was like nonstop dissociating. And then occasionally some horrible lucid dreams. You have no choice but to fight back. We still carry a knife in our bag when we have to. Because lucid dreams always happen at the worst times.

How do you cope with the feeling that nobody's paying attention? We try to compartmentalize to cope with the terror, anger and frustration. But even with that, you have those times when it feels like nothing works. Which means we feel almost paralzyed.

What do you do then? You feel like nobody's going listen. Nobody's going to help you. What do you do? You fight to focus, and then finally it seems like there's some clarity. But then more trauma comes flooding out. What then?

Sunday, October 4, 2009

Coping Mechanisms 101

It's still the weekend. And as always, you try and pace yourself back into another week.

The extremes are still there. One minute we feel a little bit of clarity. Then, it's like ALL of the terror of being raped hits you all at once. Dissociating and lucid dreams still happen. Lately either we're getting raped again. Or we see a little kid getting raped. We put a gun (or whatever weapon we have) to this psycho's head and get him off the terrified little kid.

But in the process we think, is he going to kill the little kid? Is he going to try and kill both of us? Also, nobody else seems to give a s**t about what's going on. It's too much of a "inconvenience" from their terribly busy day to actually stop and save someone's life.

Why is that? Is it because out of sight and out of mind is ALWAYS the best way to go? Is it because if you act you might get raped too? Or is it because it's YOUR responsibility. Pull yourself up and you deal with it. Don't expect anyone to show any sympathy for you. The world's a cold, cruel f****d up place. And if you're not tough enough to deal with that, then just f**k off and die.

Another angle. If the worst happens and THEY get raped, are we supposed to drop everything and do whatever they ask because well, you know all about this stuff? You can solve all of my problems. Hang on a minute. You treat me like s**t. And NOW I'm supposed to do whatever the hell YOU say because I'm an "expert"?

The double standards here are amazing. Be superficial. But the underlying message is under NO circumstances will we ever acknowledge that you exist. Unless of course my ass gets raped.

How f****d up is that?

Saturday, October 3, 2009


Can you recommend a good crisis line/site to help guy survivors? No disrespect to women survivors. But, it can be harder for guy survivors to find some help that doesn't judge you. or maybe they have no training in PTSD.

Please send in all suggestions and comments.

Polanski and Other Stuff

There's still lots of really idiotic "commentary" (IMO) regarding Roman Polanski and whether or not he should be prosecuted.

I'll make it as clear as possible:

(1) Rape is being forced to have sex against your will.
(2) Unless you're a rape survivor, you'll never understand.

Now, if he wants to sue me for defamation, f**k it. Sue me. I don't give a s**t.

How's your weekend? Here, we're really trying to stay as chemical free as possible. This means at times there's some clarity.But at others really violent symptoms.

Any suggestions on how to balance this out?

Also, thanks for the support. In case you're wondering, we're averaging about 300 hits a day. Wherever you are, keep it here for more helpful information. And please pass our link to everyone it can help.