Saturday, May 31, 2014

Wednesday, May 28, 2014

Don't Dissociate. Do Something Else.

How many times a day do you struggle to not dissociate? For us, it's probably still at least one hundred times a day. You can't sit back and do nothing. Which means at times you're so exhausted that you can't do anything.

Tomorrow, it's back to the hospital for three new stress tests. We try to look at it like don't worry about labels. We have health and emotional problems that we're trying to cope with as best we can. If others can't deal with thse, that's their problem.

Go to bed early tonight. Then, try getting up at 3 a.m.

Monday, May 26, 2014

Trying to Not Fall Apart

More of fighting symptoms and trying to not snap. You can't just sit back and  do nothing.

Another important thing is to set boundaries and say no when necessary. We can't handle the pain of the rest of the world and ours all at the same time.

Keep your balance.

Saturday, May 24, 2014

Denial is No Longer an Issue

Like a lot of trauma survivors, you try to escape the pain of being raped in other things. In my case, it was lots of junk food and rampant alcoholism. You think it's relief from pain, but it only makes it worse. Now, denial isn't an issue. But the symptoms are still there.

You feel exhausted all the time fighting to not black out. You scream and feel like you're going to snap in two. You try a mix of ways to ground yourself, and many times these don't work.

What do you do then?

One thing that makes my symptoms worse is stimulants. Tiny amounts make you feel like you're going to just snap. This means I still make changes in my diet. Many formerly favorite foods and drinks are now too much. How do I make this dish delicious with no spices?

I'm still working on my disability application. As things slowly happen, I've thought about what's next (either way). At times, I just want to get an apartment by the beach and just heal. I cover all my bills myself, and I don't have to deal with bullies who try to use money as a weapon to control others.

Does PTSD ever go away? I don't know. Do I think about getting a gun and killing the psychos that raped me? At times, yes. Would I actually do that? No. Do I have horrible days with anger and fighting to not black out? Yes.

It's not our fault.

Wednesday, May 21, 2014

Up and Down Energy

One minute, your chi level feels okay. The next, you can barely move. I try to do some exercise every day, just to fight heart patient apathy. Despite that, at times I can literally barely run. I try to keep my diet healthy, and to take breaks when needed. Even with all of that, at times I go to bed at about 7 at night (versus the normal 11 or midnight).

All of this is a normal response to a long and horrible trauma history that we never got the proper help for. Now we're dealing with the long term effects of it.

How's your balance?

Monday, May 19, 2014

Trying to Pace

Lots of stuff to do online, and files to back up. In between, lots of breaks as well. We're really run down from fighting symptoms all the time. Tomorrow it's back to the therapist.

Just trying hard to not dissociate.

Saturday, May 17, 2014


Today, another run down day where you struggle to keep moving. Everything feels sore and run down. Which means lots of rest, as best you can.

We still have nightmares and other symptoms. The next therapist appointment is next week. In the meantime, try not to give into old destrucitve stuff to try and escape pain (dissociating, a horrible junk food habit, and other stuff).

Thursday, May 15, 2014

It's Not All Second Nature

We were so exhausted last night that we slept in late this morning. Then, some errands and doing some research about the best ways to continue to protect ourselves and get the proper treatment. One idea. If that doesn't work here, what about going back abroad? If yes, where would we go? How do we cover all of the costs?

We rarely get any sleep at night. Our appetite is poor. Tiny meals, and then we still feel bloated. If we suddenly sit up, we feel faint. We still dissociate at least 100 times a day. We have to fight really hard to not black out.

We're still struggling with the severity of our symptoms.

What's one of the hardest things we've had to face? The fact that nobody else will protect you. We don't want to get destroyed by anger, abandonment and then turn into some horrible monster. But we still have nightmares, and have to fight to not black out.

We try to keep a healthy balance as we go.

None of this is abnormal, considering our trauma history.
We're not insane, weird or a freak that's a danger to anyone.
We can't beat understanding of trauma into others.

Then again, you struggle with feeling abandoned. Does that ever go away?

Tuesday, May 13, 2014

Not Having All of the Answers

All day long, it's been fighting symptoms. Don't black out. Body pain and more.

We're really exhausted.

Monday, May 12, 2014

Trusting Your Intuition

Do you take a lot of things as second nature? Or, do you try to trust your intuition to see what happens next? I'm not always right. But I try to pay attention to small things. How things affect you, and not just automatically doing something.

Next week, it's back to more appointments. All trauma survivors at times ask the same questions:

Will I always have PTSD symptoms?
Will I always have to take meds?
Since I know I'm not abnormal in any way, why does it feel like the rest of the world wants nothing to do with me?

I don't know these answers to these. Despite that, that doesn't mean that I don't struggle with the same things. It's like you have to fight really hard to find something positive in your past because it feels like it's all been horrible. You struggle with the severity of your symptoms, and nobody can be bothered to listen. Or, apparently to care.

At times, you feel paralyzed with fear and feelings of abandonment. I still struggle with how severe my symptoms have been and continue to be. You feel like you're the only one who can see all of the hypocracy in the world. You know you're not. But it feels that way.

In my case, everything's connected. At times I've thought, if I had to move to be able to get the proper help that I know I need, where would I go? How would I pay for everything  myself, and not be fighting with some bully who tries to use money as a weapon to control others? I want to go back to work. But now, my health comes first.

Any one of the three psychos who raped me could have killed me. Does anybody care about that?

While I can't control what others do and say, I can and will protect myself. Nobody else will look out for that.

I didn't ask for all of this pain. But it's still there.

Thursday, May 8, 2014

Getting Bombarded with Anger and More

You don't want to get eaten alive by anger or frustration. Yet, in our healing it feels like every day you struggle with this, abandonment and more. Almost every person we turned to for help did nothing. Now, we feel like we're dealing with the long term consequences of this.

You don't want to hurt yourself, or anybody else. But at times, you feel paralyzed.

Nobody asks to be a trauma survivor. On the other hand, at times you feel like you're the only one who sees all of the hypocracy in others. One minute, I'm concerned about you. The next minute, just go away.

What are you supposed to do?

You deserve better. But also, you try to keep some sense of balance as best you can. I can't make others understand about being a trauma survivor. But I will protect myself.

It's a matter of protecting your well being. You may have to be on some type of benefits to help you deal with and heal from your trauma history. However, it's also a matter of human dignity.

Do others pretend that you don't exist? I've had that as a homeless person and a trauma survivor.

How are you supposed to react to that?

I don't have a death wish in any way. yet at times, you have nightmares about what if you weren't around? An uncle died last week of heart disease. While I'm sorry for his family's loss, I don't want the same thing to happen to me.

You have to protect yourself.

Tuesday, May 6, 2014

Stressful Stuff (Contains potentially triggering content. Read at your own risk)

The next two days are going to be really rough. Why? Because one of my uncles died from heart disease. The funeral is tomorrow, and the body viewing is later today.

I've debated about this for a long time, and I realize that my personal safety is mandatory. I've learned the really hard way that nobody else will protect you. I also continue to fight symptoms every single day. Others say they're concerned about you. But they won't deal with the fact that among other things, you're a rape survivor. You're a torture survivor. Nobody will admit that or reassure you in any way.

You have to fight for your well being. Any suggestions?

Thursday, May 1, 2014

Pacing Is Everything

Another doctor's appointment tomorrow. As for right now, catching up online and resting. It feels like every yen minutes or so, I'm really run down and just need to quietly sit. No noise. Just sit and relax.

There are still lots of triggering things everywhere you look. Which means you still have to screen everything. You can't juts sit back and do nothing. You know it's not your fault. You just try to keep some sense of balance.

Saw my GP yesterday. Later this month, I'll have two stress tests to see if I have any blockage around my heart. Do I need surgery, a pacemaker or a defibrillator? I don't know. Until then, I'm still going mainly by intuition as far as how strenuous your activity is. Everything is connected.

Time for some more tea.