Monday, December 31, 2012

Happy 2013

A Happy Global 2013 to our vast audience. Party hard, but safely.

Also, when we say global, does that really mean global? Yes it does. We're now read in almost all 50 states and in almost 45 countries. Since everyone else is doing a year end feature of some kind, here's one that's a little more personalized.

We don't know your phone number or street address. But we do know your city. With that in mind, time to say thanks:

Washington, D.C.
New York City
Portland, Maine
Arlington, VA.
York, Ontario
Kansas City, MO.
San Antonio
Buenos Aires
San Francisco
Redwoods, CA.
Mountainview, CA.
Portland, OR.
Vancouver, B.C.
Hong Kong
Tel Aviv
Palm Beach
Santa Monica, CA.
and many more

Please pass our URL onto any/everywhere it might help. All of this is free. Thanks!

Sunday, December 30, 2012

An Early Happy 2013

How was your Xmas break? Here, we tried to stay warm and focused. Despite that, it's still been hard to not dissociate or feel totally abandoned.

It's already 2013. Where? First up in the world is the Chatham Islands (sw of New Zealand). Next up roughly speaking is the Sydney Harbor fireworks. Wherever you are in the world, have an excellent time.

Also, thanks for the global support. Everything here is free, and I only ask for one thing. Pass this onto everywhere you can unless it endangers you or someone else.

Tuesday, December 25, 2012

A Xmas Mix

Merry Xmas to our global audience. Satying in tonight due to the Artic blast outside. Lots of snacks and herbal tea to keep me warm.

On the other hand, it's really exhausting right now. Flashbacks and dissociating are still violent. You have to fight really hard to have some sense of where you are. It's like getting bombarded with one after another. You scream and fight to not black out, because you have no other choice. This also means protecting yourself at all costs. You have no control over others. However, you can decide to protect yourself.

I try at times to just take a somatic approach. Turn everything off and pay attention to how you feel. Even by doing that, you still feel like one wrong move and everything could fall apart. This also means that yes, this has been that severe and untreated for a long time.

I don't want to live like I'm an empty shell.

Friday, December 21, 2012

Borderline Road Rage

A really scary day with lots of anger and trying not to dissociate or black out while driving. I felt this close to attacking everyone who got in my way. Another scary part is feeling like NO ONE will help you. How do you cope with that?

We know anger, frustration and more are there and have to be dealt with. Now, try and do that AND everything else you have to do.

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

It is Tuesday

How's your Tuesday? Here, it's lots of job leads to check and Xmas stuff to do.

Also, trying to cope without  some favorite foods and drinks as well. Either it's sugar, caffeine or just chemicals that will make PTSD symptoms worse. Flashbacks to horrible triggering holiday stuff happens, and it's hard to focus. It feels like an endless cycle. You fight to keep some sense of balance because you have to. If you don't, your whole world caves in on you.

Do you feel like someone's listening to you?

Monday, December 17, 2012

Holiday Thoughts

Staying in tonight and covering lots of job leads. Later, time to put up the Xmas lights and a late night snack.

I'm really trying to keep my balance as I go along. A lot of former favorite foods and drinks are triggering right now. What do I do instead? Can you get thru the holidays with no sweets?

Terrifying flashbacks still happen. You try and ground yourself, and you still at times don't know where you are. What do you do then?

We're really trying to trust our intuition. Take things in small 10 second splits. If you have a bad feeling about something, trust that and turn it off.

There's a lot of pain right now.

Sunday, December 16, 2012

The Long Term Effects of PTSD (Contains potentially triggering content. Read at your own risk)

As all regular readers know, here we only post potentially triggering content if it's necessary to help talk about something important. Never to intentionally hurt anybody. Just the opposite. That being said, if this is a problem for you, stop reading now. If not, keep going and hope this helps.

Like a lot of people, I'm really struggling with protecting my health (both physical and mental) after the Sandy Hook Elementary shootings on Friday. Everything from the mere fact that it happened to the MSM hype factor in this. It's the "Connecticut Shooting". What the hell does THAT mean? Isn't that slightly insulting to the memory of those killed and everyone in the entire area? Endlessly running interviews with obviously traumatized kids and others. On top of that, we have politicians from Obama to Bloomberg who keep speaking in coded soundbites. We must take "meaningful action" to deal with gun violence. Right. Why not just say we need gun control. Obama needs to declare a National Emergency. Instead of an actual and rational discussion of gun control, once again it's a propaganda battle. It's almost like you can turn the sound down on your TV and lip read the NRA approved talking points that all the think tank experts and politicians are putting out.

Since Columbine, there have been roughly 30 shootings all over the country. Now, Congress is going on their Christmas break. People are dying , the fiscal cliff is coming. But screw that. I need my holiday?

Tell that to the people that died. Tell that to the people who lost their kids, friends and others.

Right now, Obama, Bloomberg and all the rest are terrified of the NRA and losing campaign money. Bloomberg says that the NRA can destroy a politician's career is a "myth"? Okay. Then why won't you specifically say we need gun control? Because you're a terrified hypocrite, that's why.

The budget cuts to mental health services continue nationally (insert local amount cut in your area here). Not all but many still believe that only vets get PTSD. Not true. Ten percent of the population has some form of it. All of the students and others have to deal with it. If it's not properly treated, what happens?

You feel like it'll never go away.
Do I have to now cure myself (because of something that's not my fault)?
How is a little kid supposed to deal with potentially everything from dissociating to adrenalin surges to nightmares?

I was raped by two pedophiles. I still have to fight PTSD symptoms every day. I've only had two therapists that actually paid attention to facts and took me seriously. I know I have a problem. I'm actively doing everything I can to face this head on as best I can.

Yet, the truth is nobody protected me. When I told the truth to people that I thought would help me, nobody did anything.

Now, try and tell me that the same thing potentially couldn't happen to one of these kids.

Am I angry? Yes I am.

Saturday, December 15, 2012


As you well know, right now there's lots of triggering stuff happening. We won't mention any specifics. Instead, just a suggestion. Unless you have to deal with this, don't. How valuable is your peace of mind (regardless of where you are in your overall healing)? Right now, we stay away from as much as possible. It doesn't mean we're not aware or we don't care. Instead, our protection comes first. If you don't prioritize, how can you be effective?

Break it down into tiny splits. How do I literally go from my desk to my kitchen? How do I get in and out of the crowded store without attacking anyone? How do I keep my balance so I don't hurt myself? It's only right (in my opinion) on bad days to try and protect yourself and others.

One key right now? Facing the reality of how much untreated trauma is still there. You don't have the old stuff to hide behind anymore. Which means on some days you can barely move. It takes forever to try and focus and feel like you have some energy to do anything. You don't want to end up burned out, angry and a nightmare forever. On the other hand, you also have to fight to keep some sense of balance. Your mind/body connection is real. Chi is real. In our view, pay attention to that. Just in our case, taking only meds and cognitive (talk only) therapy doesn't work.

Keep in mind it's not your fault. I'm telling the truth. That's all that matters.

Friday, December 14, 2012

Friday Stuff

It is Friday. We're still having to fight to focus and not dissociate when we wake up in the morning. If we don't do that, it feels like you're sleepwalking all day long. At least we're not taking the wrong meds like we used to.

Everything else is still there as well. Lots of bases to cover, along with struggling to deal with the holidays, money being tight and more. At times we just turn everything off and cry. What else can you do?

Thursday, December 13, 2012

A Triggering Thursday

Lots to stuff to do today. Still no word about the new counselor. In the meantime, we're going in small segments to try and deal with symptoms. Dissociating is still the worst one. Next would be really sick lucid dreams (far too triggering here to mention this early in the morning).

It's a lot all at once. Anger, frustration, feeling abandoned and exhausted all the time. Yet, what else can you do?

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Fighting to Not Feel Wiped Out

We're still connecting in trying to find a new therapist. No luck yet.

In the meantime, emptiness is still there. It feels like every single day since we got raped has been torture in fighting symptoms and feeling like almost no one could be bothered to help. You have no other choice but to fight. No one will help or listen.

Now, there's emptiness and just an almost constant feeling of being wiped out. There's no other physical problem. You feel like you have things to do, and it takes an enormous amount of energy to do them. It's not the usual ups and downs. It's something different.

Lots of sadness right now.

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

It's Flooding Out

Listening online to some non-threatening content. However, if they start to talk about how there will be an NHL season, things might get tough.

It feels like all the backed up trauma from being raped is flooding out. There's a sense of emptiness, and not knowing what to do. You've tried to get help, and 95% of those who you thought would be able to helped just said go away. Can you trust anyone?

While that's there, we're still covering bases in tiny segments. We also realize that we still have complex symptoms. We have to fight all day long to not fall apart. Body pain, anger and hyperawareness at times is still there as well.

We don't want to feel like we have no control at all. We don't want to be literally dependent on others for every single thing.

Right now, lots of emptiness and pain

Monday, December 10, 2012

How Are Things in Your Time Zone?

Staying in tonight with my snack and lots to do online. As long as there's no snow, how bad can it be?

On the other hand, despair is still there. It's like a feeling of emptiness that just won't go away. It's not the normal ups and downs that happen all the time. You go thru all the daily stuff, and it's still there. Also, you know you can't sit back and do nothing. You fight to not black out from PTSD symptoms, and then you're totally exhausted.

If you can't afford to go to a therapist, what else can you do?

Do you get support in your part of the world? For anyone new to this site, we have readers in almost all 50 states and in about 42 countries. I don't who they are. I do know the general location. I could also use Google satellite coverage to try and check out your city. Then again, the government's already doing that. Doing that with my tax money. Why? Who knows.

One thing I do know is that you have to protect yourself. Sounds basic, but it's true. Why? Because nobody else will. Despite wherever you are in your healing, is it still hard to trust anyone? I still feel at times like everything's a threat. On top of that, you have the feeling of do I have to cure myself as well? I didn't ask for this. Yet, nobody can be bothered to pay attention?

As you read here, keep one thing in mind. I'm not telling anyone to do anything. All I'm doing is offering a mix of information that helps me. If you like it, great. If you know something that's better, please post it. In the process, please, NO SPAM LINKS. That doesn't help anyone or anything.

Back to the pages.

Sunday, December 9, 2012

Cloudy and Triggering

How's your weekend looking? Here, cloudy, cool and lots of triggering things happening. Screen everything, and if you have a bad feeling about something you're right.

Lately we've been dealing with how we used junk food, booze and other stuff to try and cope with the pain of being raped. The good news is that we don't do that anymore. Ok, as little junk food as possible. As for the other stuff, we really don't do that. This means at times it feels like emptiness is there all the time. On the other hand, facing trauma head on is a good thing.

There's also anger and trying not to get caught in dissociating with no way out. It feels like a bad dream that you can't escape. Does this still happen to you?

Back to covering bases.

Friday, December 7, 2012

How it's Done. Okay, One Way It's Done.

A quiet night online. Maybe then a nice CD. No power rotation. There's a time and a place for everything.

Went to see about going back to a counselor. They'll let me know in a few weeks. We're trying to keep our balance as best we can. Despite that, we still feel bombarded at times. Are we the only ones that see everything that's happening in the world? I've heard that's a common survivor trait.

Part of it is wanting to be heard. That being said, how do you that in today's 24/7 megahype celebrity newscycle world?

Our suggestion? Fight the urge to sink to that level. Make everything count. There's more than enough sameness out there. That's not a slam against other blogs. That's just stating a fact.

Symptoms are still there. Today, I could actually focus on the counselor for long periods and not turn away. That may not sound like a big deal. In fact, it is and there are two sides to it. It's good, but its also sad that you have to fight for so long to reach that point.

Flashbacks still happen. We still scream and fight to not black out from horrible dissociating. At times we used to feel ashamed. It's better to scream silently so you won't piss anybody off because they won't listen anyway.

It feels like there's death, destruction and celeb hype everywhere you look. At editorial meetings, do editors ask each other what is actual news?

This brings up an idea. Everyone knows that the more you mention something, the higher your search engine positioning is. Meintion us everywhere you can, and maybe these guys will pay attention.

Search engine optimization, anyone?

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Your Title Here

Staying at home for a while before a latenight snack. How's your part of the world looking? A quick thanks for the support. We're now read in 45 states and 42 countries. All with no ad budget. Can those megamedia corporations say that? I don't think so.

We're still sticking to our holistic diet. Almost 2 weeks now with no refined sugar or caffeine. We're also trying to really keep our ph balance in line. I really believe there's a connection between all of these. We still feel like we're detoxing from eating and drinking tons of junk.

Why? One reason is because many people use it as an escape to avoid horrible pain. In our case, it was a way to avoid having to deal with being raped. Now, there's no shield to hide behind.

Along with moments of clarity come moments of despair. Everything feels black. What do we do now? Is everything and everyone a threat?

Despite all that, we still take things in tiny 10 second splits. How do we go from the desk to the kitchen? Is it safe to turn on the TV?

Keep the mantra in mind that it's not your fault. Also, unless it hurts you or someone else in some way, please spread this blog everywhere you can. Our very cool map on the front page shows our global reach. The latest count says that there are 201 countries in the world. Let's see if we can cover the remaining 159. How cool would that be?

Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Global Connections

Working at home online and trying to come up with new ways to network. Mix it up as much as possible. The key though is getting in past the receptionist/gatekeeper/whatever to see the boss.

We're really trying to break things into tiny segments. How do we get from here to here? Also, we're making some necessary changes in other areas as well. Do we really need _____ as our cable provider? Why am I watching this? Save time and money.

Speaking of connecting, a holiday reminder. We've been writing this blog for a while now, and we hope you like the content. It's a mix of holistic stuff to help a wide range of global trauma survivors. No ads, no Pay Pal button, and no online store.

All free.

We only ask one thing in return. Please spread this to everywhere you can UNLESS it hurts you or someone else. No spam or spam links. Instead, mention us in every avenue you can. It's how you say it, so the "administrators" won't nail you for spamming. We have no ad budget here. We have no assistants. Which means we do everything.

If you don't want to comment, that's okay. Instead, word of mouth advertising does work.


Monday, December 3, 2012

It is Monday

Lots of bases to cover today. Also, lots of scam job ads. Then again, in this economy that's to be expected.

We're really trying to not get eaten alive by anger and just end up horribly cynical and a nightmare. Like a lot of trauma survivors, you try to get help and it feels like almost everyone just wants you to go away. You have to protect yourself, and not sink down to their level. That's one key for us. It's almost like programmed disfunction. I treat you like dirt. You respond like I want to respond. Then, that makes it okay for me to treat you like dirt again. This is normal.

No, it's not.

You're not responsible for what others do and say. However, you must protect yourself and stand up for yourself where necessary. Why? Because nobody else will.

Have a nice day.

Sunday, December 2, 2012

Look at this. Then Go Do Something Good.

By now, the whole world knows about Office Larry De Primo of the NYPD. He bought a homeless person some socks and boots on a freezing night. What's the homeless guy's story? I don't know. However, having been homeless twice myself, I know what it feels like to literally feel like you have nothing and no one will admit that you exist.

Look at this picture. Then go do something good.

Saturday, December 1, 2012

Brownies, Tea and a Sunny Day

It's the weekend. Cook, clean, back stuff up on the hard drive. Have a snack. Then, onto other stuff.

There's also lots of anger and pain as well. Body pain and trying to not black out as you scream to not lose sensation in your legs and other areas. Do we have MS? No. However, you have to do lots of massage throughout the day to maintain a smooth flow of energy. On the other hand, we're still sticking to our no caffeine/as little sugar as possible diet. Maybe these are symptoms of withdrawl?

Screen everything and protect yourself. Trust your intution. If it's screaming something's bad, pay attention. Odds are you're right.