Tuesday, December 30, 2014

You Have to Fight Back

Another day with non stop fighting of symptoms. There;s no medication to help you deal with dissociation. Which means by the end of the day, you're completely exhausted.

Will we go out tomorrow for New Years? We'll see.

Saturday, December 27, 2014

How Do You Cope with Despair?

How was your Xmas? Did you feel safe? We struggled at times to not black out. If I go shopping, I have to check to make sure there's nobody hiding in the back of my car waiting to grab me and slit my throat. In crowded places, is everyone a threat? The rational part of you wants to say no. Yet, you can't let your guard  down for a second.

We haven't had a good nights' sleep in over a month. Then, when you finally try to get up the next morning, you don't want to slip back into drinking lots of caffeine and sugar. I've been sober now for over twenty years. Do I want to go back to horrible alcoholism and feeling sick from junk food all the time? No I don't.

Do you feel abandoned? We break down and cry in the middle of the day.

Here's an important thing for all trauma survivors to keep in mind. The suffering are not an abstraction.

Pause for ten seconds, Then,  please reread the last sentence.

When you're trying to be heard, do you feel like people pay attention? On bad days with anger, we have to try really hard to not attack people. Also, to not hurt little kids.

Torture flashbacks still happen. You scream and fight to keep some sense of being grounded. despite that, at times nothing works,

What do you do then?

At the end of the day, we're totally exhausted. But you can't sit back and do nothing.

What's helping you right now?

Thursday, December 25, 2014


It's a mixture. Xmas, some gifts and a decent dinner. On the other hand, abandonment and fighting to not black out.

Stay safe.

Wednesday, December 24, 2014

Protect Yourself

Happy Xmas to our global audience. As you go along, here's hoping that it will be a safe time. Why do people do horrible stuff? I don't know. But I do know that you have to protect yourself.

Staying in tonight. Stay away from all triggering stuff as much as possible. Stay safe because you deserve to be.

Tuesday, December 23, 2014

Some Holiday Thoughts

First, thanks to all of our loyal global readers. We don't know who you are. We could get a Google satellite image of your house. But that wouldn't be cool.

Instead, how do you cope with symptoms, ESPECIALLY around Christmas? No approach works for everyone. But here are some ideas that might.

You're not responsible for what others say and do- This applies to other horrible people. Why do they say and these horrible things? I have no idea.

Having said that, you're not responsible for someone else's health (health is both physical and mental). If someone tells you that being raped by pedophiles is normal sexual experimentation, how do you respond to that?

Is this person mentally ill?
Are they a sociopath who has no comprehension of others?
Why would any sane person say something like that?

I don't know. But I do know that that is their problem, not mine. I try to keep my side of things clean so I don't have to apologize for anything later.

You have to set boundaries to protect your well being. At all costs- Nobody else will do it for you.

Right now, we're struggling with, among other symptoms, feeling left out. We're not responsible for being raped. Why then do many want nothing to do with us?

I don't know. However, everything that we're saying here is true. Being a trauma survivor isn't the ONLY thing about you. But it is there, and to be dealt with.

We still fight back in flashbacks when one of the psycho pedophiles is trying to cut our throat. You strike back first. It doesn't matter that nobody is physically there. You HAVE  to fight back.

If your "immediate family" is abusive and makes your symptoms worse, don't go. There is no law that says you are required to be with them every time they say so.

Nobody else will protect your well being.

Do something else. The point is to feel safe.

Have a safe and fun break.

Monday, December 22, 2014

Holiday Stuff

Just one appointment this week. Then, a Christmas break. We can't go anywhere (due to being on a fixed income). Instead, we'll hang out here and stay away from all triggering stuff as much as possible.

Symptoms are still there. We haven't had a good night's sleep in over a month. Lots of nightmares, and then checking to make sure that no one else is in the apartment. You see a little kid out with their mom, and they look happy. But then you think, how come I never had that? Tiny things take a enormous amount of energy to do. You have to sit and focus before you go into a crowded place to protect yourself from threats.

Is everyone a threat? Is everyone carrying a weapon? Where's mine?

You can't just sit back and do nothing. You have to fight back.

Do you feel abandoned? While I have "immediate family" that I'm related to, other than that, that's it. It's really tough to find positive moments. Because, when you do immediately you're bombarded with horrible flashbacks.

You just want to feel safe.

Monday, December 15, 2014

There's No Medication for This

At my last psychiatrist appointment, she mentioned that there is no medication to help with dissociation. Symptoms ate still there and totally exhausting. But you have to fight back.

We just want to feel safe.

Saturday, December 13, 2014

Lots of Pain

Fighting all day to not dissociate and fall apart due to lucid dreams. We're not a sick monster. But the thoughts about raping little kids sstill happen.

I'm not a  pedophile
I'm not insane
I'm not sick
I'm not a freak

At time you just want to turn everything off and curl up to try and feel safe.

Wednesday, December 10, 2014

Setting Boundaries

There's emptiness, anger and nightmares. One of my doctors says that acupuncture and chiropractic treatments don't really help PTSD symptoms. Despite that, we're still sticking to keeping our diet as clean as possible.

On bad days, we just sit and home and try to protect ourselves. No noise. Just sit and we want to feel safe. In our own home.

Tuesday, December 9, 2014

Symptoms and More

More appointments this week as we try to keep some sense of balance. There's no medication to help with dissociating, but you do your best. By the end of the day, we can barely move. Then again, what else can you do?

Lately we try to stay in after 6 and just rest. We try to go to bed by 8, but usually then we keep waking up all night. No matter what, don't dissociate.

Monday, December 8, 2014

Protecting Yourself

More appointments and setting boundaries where necessary. Sadness and despair still happen. What do you do when everything feels black? Lately just turn everything off, and have a quiet day. Nobody else will do it for you. I can't take on the pain of the rest of the world and mine all at the same time.

As much as possible, don't dissociate. Do something else.

Wednesday, December 3, 2014

Trying to Cope

Went to a new psychiatrist appointment today. Covered a lot, and the good news is that she understands how holistic approaches to healing can work. I go back in 2 months and then maybe I'll have to go back to a new medication. We'll see.

In the meantime, all the symptoms are still there. On bad days, I don't know where I am. In crowded places, everything is slowed down and magnified. Sights, sounds, colors, a face that triggers one of the psycho rapists. You know you're not a threat to yourself or anyone else. Yet you feel scared because you might attack somebody.

It's the right thing to do to protect both yourself and others.

Do you still feel abandoned? We do. Not to the point of saying f**k it and killing yourself. But you just feel paralyzed. You sit quietly and rock back and forth to reassure yourself, my multiples and little kid.
You just want to feel safe in your own home. We wake up in the middle of the night and check all over the apartment to make sure no one else is here. It's the middle of the night, and you feel like everything is totally empty and black,

What do you do?

We don't want to feel assaulted in our own home. We just want to feel safe.

Wednesday, November 26, 2014

Fighting to Stay Focused

It' s been a rough week. Almost every day feels like pain. You wake up and try to go thru your day. But everything is pain. Triggering content is everywhere. Which means that many days are silent. You just want to feel safe.

Many days you feel like you're being bombarded. Sights, sounds, flashbacks, the pain of being raped. Nobody listens and nobody cares. You have to fight back. You can't just sit back and do nothing. Just "going with your feelings" doesn't work. You want to feel safe and feel like someone is actually listening to you.

Is anyone paying attention to you? On really bad days, we just sit and want peace and quiet. It's not safe to go outside and potentially attacking someone. You don't have agoraphobia. That's not the problem. The problem is that you have to think about both your safety and the safety of others.

The constant stress of trauma totally drains your energy level. At times I can barely move. Try walking from the car to my front door. Just carrying a few bags. You feel like you're 100 years old. Going up and down stairs is exhausting. You go into a crowded place, and everything is a threat. You strike back first. How do we go thru a crowded place and not black out? We want to scream and just run away.

What happens if we black out and one of my multiples lashes out? It's been a long time since that's happened. But what if it does?

I'm not insane
I'm not a danger to anyone
I have no desire to hurt either myself or anyone else
Just because I was raped by three pedophiles, I have no desire to rape an innocent little kid

Bear with me if gaps happen between posts. I'm still here. Just struggling to keep going.

Wednesday, November 19, 2014

Do You Feel Abandoned?

Today's one of those dangerous-content-is-everywhere days. Don't go near it. Screen everything, and protect yourself at all costs. With that in mind, do you feel abandoned? Do you feel like nobody's listening or cares? While you can't control what horrible people do and say, you can set boundaries. But the symptoms are still there.

We haven't had a good night's sleep for a really long time. It's like one nightmare after another. Then, you try to get up around 3 a.m. eat something for breakfast, and then go back to bed to try and focus your energy. Now, I can get up and face my day.

Does anybody listen to you? If not, how do you cope? I have no desire to hurt myself or anyone else. But anger is still there. I still at times have fleeting thoughts about raping a little kid. Three monsters raped me and got away with it. So I'll rape a little kid.

Why does this still happen? I'm not a threat to anyone. I don't want to "identify" with the psychos that raped me. But it's still there. By the end of the day fighting all of this, I can barely move.

I'm not crazy. I'm just trying to cope as best I can.

Monday, November 17, 2014

No Desire to Harm Myself or Anybody Else

Nightmares are still happening, and getting worse. It's like being one step short of wanting to die because it's so horrible. In reality though, it's important to not deny that those thoughts are there.

No chi at all right now. We ust want to feel safe.

Saturday, November 15, 2014

How Empty Do You Feel?

Finally started with the new therapist. So far so good. Maybe this one won't move like the previous two did. The symptoms are still there. Body pain at times is crippling. One minute you feel like you gave some energy. Then, you're a hundred and ten, and can barely move.

Do you have nightmares? Nobody will help you. Which means you have to fight back all by yourself. Your intuition feels like you're seeing all of the hypocracy in the world. Can you trust anyone? Why are so many horrible people trying to treat you like shit?

Does anybody care?

Being aware of the world and trying to make it better is fine. However, your well being comes first.I can't handle all of the pain in the world and mine at the same time.Which is why now almost always I say no, unless it might help someone in some way.

At certain times you feel like you're about five steps ahead of the rest of the world. I know everything that people will say, do, and what the responses will be. So why bother looking at any of it?

Do you feel like you're going to black out from anger and pain? For a long time, violent unchecked dissociating was a survival tool. Every day you got bombarded with abuse. There was no escape. You have to fight back. You can't just sit back and do nothing.

Am I the only person that sees all of this?

I'm not insane. I'm not psycotic. I'm not a danger to anyone. I didn't ask for all of this pain. But it's still there.

Your symptoms are a reflection of the severity of your trauma. Do I still struggle with denial? I can admit that I was raped. But I still struggle with that. I have bad days where for a spllit second I have thoughts about raping a little kid. I'm not a sick, twisted pedophile. So why do I have these thoughts? A previous therapist said that at times, survivors identify (for lack of a better word) with their rapist. I don't want this, but it's there.

Am I a danger to anyone? No, I'm not. However, when this happens, I'm really sad. Nobody protected me. Is this a fleeting thought about how to get revenge? I don't know.

Does anybody care?

Saturday, November 8, 2014

How's Your Balance?

 Kind of a careful day. Careful in the sense of trying to keep a sense of being grounded. Despite that, I still open my eyes and have to really focus hard to try and wake up and not feel like I'm dissociating. Then, how do I get out of bed and walk to my kitchen without adrenalin surges and hallucinations happening? You scream and desperately hold onto solid things.

Then in the kitchen, drink something to help you focus. Nothing with sugar, because that makes it worse. Now, how do I make breakfast without blacking out? After that, you sit and watch non threatening content on TV, and hold onto solid things. On some days, you just stay home and focus on trying to be grounded. By the end of the day, you're so wiped out you can't do anything.

Now, imagine this a daily routine with no break. Ever.

At times, we're really scared. But what else can you do?

Thursday, November 6, 2014

Can You Trust Anybody?

Lately, more struggle with fighting to not black out. Everyday it's a battle to keep some sense of being grounded. We still go to doctor appointments and try to get thru tests. However, lately several of the doctors   are deliberately lying when you're trying to find out about if a test is necessary, or not.

Two of my doctors have been recommending that I have a colonoscopy as a cancer screening test. Like any normal person I have concerns about side effects, risks and is there an alternative test available. It's really rough to handle when your doctor literally doesn't tell you anything about this.

Is it necessary?
Is there an alternative? One said no, and the other blew off my concerns. I did tell her that I'm hypoglycemic. So no sleep for 30 hours and fasting for 40 won't work. Apparently she thinks this is an acceptable risk.
Or, she's pissed off that I'm screwing up her profit margin (colonoscopies are one of the most profitable tests available).

If my blood sugar is low, my PTSD symptoms get worse. I've told my doctors this many times. Yet, they apparently don't care?

I'll go elsewhere  for a second opinion, and see what's next. There is an alternative test that can be done which is much safer and accomplishes the same goal.

Do people listen to you? Does it feel like you're being clear, and people just don't care?

Saturday, November 1, 2014

You Can't Just Sit Back and Do Nothing

Fighting a lot in the past week to not dissociate and black out. You curl up on the couch, hold onto something solid and rock back and forth. Sometimes you do it all day. Why? Because if you don't, you feel like you're going to snap in two.

You scream fight to not fall apart. You're not abnormal. You're not a psychopath. But the pain is still there. Am I going to black out? I don't go out at times when you feel like you're going to attack somebody. I have no desire to hurt innocent little kids. So why do I have these thoughts?

I try to focus on felling some sense of being grounded. Don't dissociate. Do something else. At times you almost feel like you're going to fall apart from exhaustion. Then again, you have to do something.

You just want to feel safe.

Thursday, October 23, 2014

Screening Everything

Sorry too be away for a while. It wasn't by choice. More like it was struggling to not dissociate and have my multiples lash out. It's been a long time since that's happened. But at times it feels like it can still happen.

These days, we have to screen everything. If we don't, we end up having horrible flashbacks and nightmares. You get shot, attacked, tortured and nobody will help you. We know we did nothing wrong. Yet, the pain and symptoms are still there.

Lots of exercise today, and now what? We have no energy. You can get up and move around. But very slowly at times. Nobody's here. The TV's on, but the sound is turned down. You have to screen everything to protect yourself. On bad days with lots of anger, you have to check every room to be sure that you're safe. Is anyone here that could kill us? Even though nobody's physically there, you have to check everything to be sure.

Do you feel like you can trust anybody? We don't want to fall into the trap of everybody's a threat. But you still struggle with that. Horrible pain happens, and you just want to feel safe in your own home. Sometimes we turn everything off and just hold onto a pillow on our couch and rock back and forth. No noise, nothing to read or look at. Just peace and quiet.

You don't want to hurt yourself or anyone else. However, at times you feel just short of doing that. The pain won't go away. You constantly fight to not dissociate. Adrenalin surges are a constant battle. You pull up to other cars at the intersection. Will the other driver snap and try to kill you? Split second images flash in front of you, and you have to fight to ground yourself.

On bad days, thoughts of suicide are there. You don't want to because it won't solve anything. Yet, you have to focus to try and keep going. The psycho rapists got away with it. The accomplices got away with it. You can't get victim compensation. Does anybody care?

You don't have a death wish. But you still struggle. If I ended up in a psych ward again, would ANYBODY care? I just want to protect myself, my multiples and little kid.

Thursday, October 16, 2014

Is It Safe to Go Outside?

Really bad days mean that you have to decide, do I stay home or risk going out? You sit somewhere and rock back and forth holding something to focus on to try and ground yourself with. Sometimes it works, and sometimes not. If it doesn't, you rock back and forth and try to not black out or hallucinate.

What else can you do?

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

No Labels

I'm not mentally ill. I'm not a threat to myself or anybody else. Yet, I keep having horrible thoughts and symptoms that are getting worse. Why?

Because I have health problems that I didn't ask for. I'm trying to cope as best I can.

Saturday, October 11, 2014

What's Real and What Isn't?

One of the hardest things to deal with right now? Not dissociating. At times you don't know what's real and what isn't. You have to sit and hold onto something solid as you feel like you're getting bombarded with pain. Has everything been constant dissociating to survive? You have to really struggle to find positive things that have happened. There are some. But you have to fight really hard to find them.

You just want to feel safe.

Friday, October 10, 2014

Feeling Bombarded with Pain

No noise. Right now, quiet as we try to stay relatively grounded. We're also struggling with pain. You feel almost paralyzed.

What do you do?

Thursday, October 9, 2014


Another day of trying to deal with all of my symptoms. No energy and fighting to not dissociate. If I stand up too quickly, I feel like I'm going to faint. Small things take enormous amounts of energy. On bad days, I have probems walking from my car to my front door carrying stuff. I feel like I'm about 95 years old. Everything is sore.

I'm only on one anti-depressant right now, and don't want more. Despite at times feeling like you're endlessly being bombarded with pain, you try to say none of this is abnormal, considering my horrible trauma history.
You try to ground yourself, but sometimes techniques don't work.

What do you do then?

Monday, October 6, 2014

More Emptiness

You try not to violently dissociate. You feel totally empty, and it takes an enormous amount of energy to do the smallest things. You're alive, but fighting really hard to keep some sense of balance.

Hopefully, not another night of horrible nightmares. Endless torture, pain and nobody listens or cares. Then again, it's not our fault.

Sunday, October 5, 2014

Feeling Really Empty

Really empty and sad. You don't want to dissociate and be bombarded with pain. As you struggle, you feel totally exhausted. Then again, what else can you do?

Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Is Anyone Listening to You?

It's been one of those news free days. Every time you dare to look, it gets more and more surreal. You feel like you're the only one who sees all of the hypocracy. This means protecting yourself at all costs.

Every day, I still have to focus when I open my eyes in the morning to try and not dissociate. You try and get out of bed without eing attacked by hallucinations. Then, try to make it into the kitchen to drink something to help you feel more balanced. It takes time after breakfast to focus and like you can actually go out into your day.

You also have to have a escape plan when going into crowded places. Dissociating and hallucinations are real struggles. It turns out that if you have an ultra high caffeine use in the past like I did, you can suffer hallucinations. I asked one of my GPs about it, and she said there's no test to check your nervous system. You can lay off caffeine and take supplements like Vitamin C or B12. An acupuncturist could measure your chi flow and balance. So far, I haven't found one which takes either one of my health plans.

You try not to dissociate and feel like you're going to snap. This can mean just sitting in a quiet room and rocking back and forth. You don't want to be bombarded with pain. Sometimes I have to reassure my multiples and little kid that it is safe to go out. Then you do, and everybody feels like a threat. Is the person next to you at the intersection a road rage case who's going to kill you? You have split second visions which are hard to ground yourself from. You sit in your car and say, how do I go in this store without blacking out or having other symptoms? Everyone you see is a threat. Hallucinations happen. How do you get out of here safely?

You feel at times like the severity of your symptoms will snap you in two. I'll talk to one of my GPs about getting off of one medication. It's an anti-depressant, but it's not helping. I don't want to go back to addictions again.

You rock back and forth at night and just want to feel safe. But you still keep your mobile and a knife next to your bed. I still don't feel safe in many places and around many people that I know.

We have to protect ourselves.

Sunday, September 28, 2014


Trying really hard to not dissociate. It feels like everything is really sore, and you have no energy. Small things take a huge amount of energy to do. If we go out somewhere, you have to have an escape plan. How do I get of here safely without attacking anybody?

More appointments this week.

Saturday, September 27, 2014

Really Empty

Struggling with exhaustion and feeling abandoned. Just stay home and try to feel safe.

Friday, September 26, 2014

We're Still Here

Sorry to be away for a while. Not by choice, but due to debilitating symptoms. In my case, it's PTSD and heart symptoms. On some days, my chi flow feels okay. On others, I have chest pain. I have trouble standing up without blacking out. I have trouble walking five feet to my kitchen. Then again, my GP and cardiologist say  that this is a common problem for heart patients.

Every morning, we have to fight to focus and not dissociate. Can we walk from the bed to the bathroom without hallucinating? How do we cook breakfast without blacking out from dissociating? it's a non-stop battle.I'm on heart medication, and will always have to take it. As for anti-depressants, no thanks. I don't want to go back to more addictions.

Sometimes I have chest pain, and then take medication. Do I want to be addicted to it, to just escape all the pain? No.

On really bad days we struggle with lucid dreams. Constant MSM talk about ISIS beheaders are everywhere is really rough. That causes sick and dangerous lucid dreams where you have to fight your way out of being pinned down. Then, you kill them before the try to behead you. It feels at times like there's no escape.

Nobody will protect you or help you in any way. You have to fight back.

Sometimes we have sick and twisted thoughts about the psycho rapists trying to attack. Sometimes, it's thoughts about "identifying" with the psycho rapists and then raping some terrified little kid.

I'm not a sick and twisted monster.
I have no desire to hurt anybody (myself or others).

So why do I have these twisted thoughts? My therapist says in ultra extreme cases, it's common to "identify" with your attacker. Nobody knows why, but it does happen.

Try going thru one day without struggling with this.

Can you trust anybody? We've had a really long streak where we've consistently been let down. On some days, we just stay home. We just want to feel safe in our own home.

Do you feel paralyzed? On bad days, it takes 15 minutes to from the front door to the car. We don't want to dissociate and black out. You lose track of time, and literally don't care about anything. You fight this a million times a day.

At night, you're so exhausted you can barely move. On the other hand, none of this is abnormal, considering how severe our trauma is.

We just want to feel safe.

Tuesday, September 16, 2014

Tiny Segments

Went to the therapist today, and we talked about how draining everything is. I literally have to say, how do I go from my car to the store and back home without blacking out? On bad days, adrenalin surges always are a problem. How do I walk to my kitchen and not lose sensation in my legs? I have trouble getting out of bed.  It's like you have to focus for a split second to feel like you can actually move. If I'm feeling bombarded, at times I just stay home. I'm not afraid to go out. I just have to be careful.

The pressure on bad days is so seeere, I feel like I'm literally going to snap. Which means short segments. How do I do this without losing sensation in various parts of my body? On bad days I feel like I have four or five diseases all at the same time.

Then again, considering our ultra severe trauma history, none of it's abnormal.

Thursday, September 11, 2014

Paying Attention to Health

We deal with PTSD symptoms, addictions and heart disease. My GP also says that I have permenant liver damage from severe alcoholism and junk food. Which means trying to keep a sense of balance and not putting on lots of weight.

At times we just stay home and rest. There's no chi at all. However, my doctors all say  that that's not abnormal. There is no one profile that fits every patient.

Time for some more tea.

Monday, September 8, 2014

We Want to Feel Safe

We're sitting at home, and the doors are locked. No being bombarded with war, death, destruction, domestic violence and more. We just want to feel safe in our own home.

As you do, you have to focus to not dissociate and black out. It's like seeing jump cuts that you fight to get past. Nobody's there to listen or support you in any way. Every day you fight to not fall apart. Because nobody else will help you.

Adrenalin surges continue to happen. It's like you have no sensation in some parts of your body. You have to  concentrate to try and rebalance your system. Otherwise, it's like your whole body falls apart, and you can barely walk. At times in the past, symptoms were so severe that I couldn't walk more than ten feet without violently dissociating.

Now try and deal with that. Every day for years, because you know no other way to survive.

Nobody listens to you or helps you. Apparently they just don't care about anyone other than themselves. Why do they act so horribly? Who knows. But nobody makes them do that. They choose to do that. Which means they then deal with the consequences.

Nightmares are becoming more violent. It's like everyone's a threat. You can't trust anybody. You don't want  to feel like that. But when you've been disappointed so often, it's hard not to.

We just want to feel safe.

Sunday, September 7, 2014

Trying to Face Your Pain

Lots of pain. Feeling abandoned, depressed, and fighting hard to not dissociate. You sit in your car, and have to focus before you get out and go inside somewhere. Everything takes an enormous amount of energy.

We just want to feel safe.

Saturday, September 6, 2014

A Constant Battle for Balance

Almost no energy today. We had to go to the store. But after that, just stay home and rest. Now, try doing that as you endlessly battle to not dissociate. It feels like a million forks in the road. Do you go in one direction and literally disappear? Or, go the other way and see what happens?

It's like you're struggling to face how severe your pain has been and continues to be. Not that you get off on pain. But deal with the severity of your symptoms. You can't turn anger and frustrations off. Having said that, you also don't want to turn into a burned out monster.

No matter what, it's not our fault.

Monday, September 1, 2014

Dealing With Pain As Best You Can

Another tough day fighting to not violently dissociate. We slipped and had to really fight to regain some sense of balance. We're run down, depressed and at times, feeling abandoned. Then again, what else can you do but keep going?

We just want to keep some sense of balance.

Friday, August 29, 2014

Relapsing into Destructive Stuff

Staying in tonight because we have almost no energy. We're trying hard not to go back to violent dissociating and other destructive stuff (alcoholism, a horrible diet, and more). Despite that, you have to keep going.

What else can you do?

Thursday, August 28, 2014

Everything's Draining

We've been sober for a long time. We're trying to deal with lots of health problems all at once. By the end of the day, we can barely move. On the other hand, what else can we do to deal with our trauma histotry?

Thursday, August 21, 2014

Trying Not to Fall Apart

You think that maybe it's safe to turn on the TV. But when you do, it's all death and destruction. Beheadings, floods, terrorist attacks and unchecked racism. What then? Turn it off. Try to feel safe in your own home.

We do that, but at times we still struggle to not black out from PTSD symptoms. We're not insane. We're not sick. We're not going to hurt either ourselves or anyone else.

You're in a crowded place, and this close to snapping and attacking everyone else around you. How do you escape?

We're not mentally ill. We have health problems that we didn't ask for. We're just trying to cope as best we can.

Thursday, August 14, 2014

Fighting for a Balance

We're still trying to keep our system as healthy as possible. Sugar cravings are at times really severe. When I got my last blood test, my doctor said that my blood sugar level was really low. I told her that it's really easy to put on a lot of weight right now. It makes sense to stay off of it as much as possible.

How long does it take to detoxify your system? I don't know. But I do know that this is all connected.
I used alcoholism and a horrible junk food diet as ways (or so I thought) to escape pain. However, they don't work.

We just try to reassure ourselves that despite all of this pain, we're not insane. All of this is a severe but normal response to what we've been thru.

Tuesday, August 12, 2014

Wanting to be Heard (Contains potentially triggering content. Read at your own risk).

As long time readers know, we try to stay away from any progressive political or celebrity content. UNLESS, it's helpful in some way to talk about it, and how it relates to trauma. By now, the whole world knows about Robin Williams' suicide. Yes, it's horrible, and it's too bad that the corporate MSM could care less about the family's privacy. WE MUST KNOW EVERY SINGLE THING ABOUT THIS.

Actually, no you don't.

Every trauma story is different. There is no magic cure to fix all problems. Why did he kill himself? Unless the family chooses to talk about that, that's none of our business.

I've been writing this blog for a long time now. I tried various MSM outlets. But NOBODY was interested. So then I said, screw it. I'll start my own outlet and beat you at your own game. Now, over 1,000 posts later, we're still growing and have NO ADS. Why would you want to profit off of people's misery?

Unlike celebrities, I have to be extremely careful. If I'm outed against my will, I could have lots of serious problems. On the other hand, like all trauma survivors, you want to be heard. You want to have some sense of validation. Victim compensation? I'll never be able to have that.

Where's my sense of justice?

I still have severe PTSD symptoms, plus heart disease and liver problems. I've never had a day symptom free. Why not take meds? The last time I did, I had several addictions, and many people refused to help me. Why then go thru that again? I've thought about suicide. But I would never do it.

I thought I was suicidal. I was in a psych ward, and had to literally fight my way out. NOBODY who said they cared about me did anything to help me.


I'm trying to keep my system as clean as possible. The idea being that equals more of a sense of balance. But the symptoms are still there.

You eventually reach a point where you don't want to continue violently dissociating or doing other things to escape pain. Because it's not an escape. It makes it worse.

Hyperawareness is still a problem. Other people walk by me, and part of me says where's my weapon? I come up from behind them, pin them with one arm and then strike back. Cut their throat before they attack me and kill me. It doesn't matter that they're not armed. You see a threat, and you can't just sit back and do nothing.

Do I want to hurt myself or others? No. I have had scenes happen where I kill myself and then others discover my body.

Do they care?
Are they sad, angry or disappointed?
Do they fucking care that I'm dead?

I've had a really long streak of being let down. It's really tough to trust anybody. But I keep going.

Saturday, August 9, 2014

Staying Sane in an Insane World

Went out for a run and then put miles in on a stationary bike. After that, some time to just sit and rest. Turn off all rolling 24/7 horrible intl. news. It's not my job to save the world. I just want to sit quietly, and feel safe in my own home. Does this mean I have agoraphobia (fear of leaving home)? No. I just set boundaries and try to focus on bad days to have some sense of being grounded.

On really horrible days, we try to keep our mantra in mind:

We're not insane.
We're not psychotic.
We're not schizophrenic.
We're not a freak, geek, gimp, worthless piece of shit (and other ridiculous garbage).

What we're doing is trying to stay sane in an insane world. You scream and fight really hard to not black out. If I do, will one of my multiples lash out? Then, I'll have no idea of what happened? I try to keep my stress down. Despite that, I still have arrhythmia problems.

I still struggle with the severity of my symptoms. It's like you're back at the first day after being raped. What do we do now?

I've been sober or a long time, and I still have cirrhosis of the liver. I don't feel safe around some people that I know. I rarely sleep for more than two hours at night. When I was admitted to the hospital, I had severe heart disease, arrhythmia, and severe jaundice and cirrhosis. I almost died twice. The first night, my pulse rate was almost 200 beats per minute. The ER people were bombarding me with all kinds of questions and screaming at me (to make sure I was still coherent?). As I was in the ER room, my brother was standing outside. For a split second, I almost felt like I was outside of my own body. You're seeing highlights of your life flashing before your eyes. One minute, he's a little kid crying as he goes off to his first day of school. Then, he's standing in the middle of the ER. There's sadness, because that little kid is gone. And there's nothing I can do about it.

I'm not responsible for the mental health and cruel behavior of others. There's rampant abuse in the "immediate family". Does this mean that now he's abusing the shit out of his kids? I hope not, for their sake.

We just want to feel safe.

Friday, August 8, 2014

Lots of Medication

Finally back after a long week of a test, medication, and then recovery. Some biopsies are being done, and I'll find out soon about those. After that, went back home and just went to bed. EVERY SINGLE PART of my body was sore and tired. An allergic reaction to not taking lots of sedatives for a long time? I don't know.

Today, fighting to not black out and snap. Everything that's happening is normal. Scary but normal, considering everything that we've been through.

Now, just rest.

Saturday, August 2, 2014

Severity of Symptoms

We know getting raped isn't our fault. We struggle to try and keep some sense of balance. Despite all of that, you still at times feel like you're back at the first day after you got raped. Nobody saved you and nobody seems to care. You scream to not black out. You know you can't sit back and do nothing.

What else can you do? You just try to keep a sense of balance. Because it's not your fault.

Friday, August 1, 2014

New Boundaries

All trauma survivors know the importance of setting healthy boundaries to protect your well being. Maybe you struggle with the I-can-save-the-world-by-myself idea, and fall short trying. The same has happened to me many times. But now, I've finally realized that I really can't do it all by myself.

My well being comes first. I have severe PTSD and heart disease. These other triggering things are making these worse.

Which means from now on, some new healthy boundaries. Unless some horrible emergency happens, the ONLY ways I'm going to be online is to look at sports scores, listen to some nice tune. Or, something that will help my overall well being. Like maintaining this blog.

As for the rest of it, I'm officially retired.

Just like rampant alcoholism or nonstop violent dissociating, I don't want to go back to that anymore. In the past, at times the stress was so bad that my system literally shorted out. Then when you came to, you had no idea where you were.

Now, I've been sober for over 20 years. I actually have periods where I can focus and not dissociate. I still struggle with it, along with nightmares and all the rest of it.

On the other hand, my well being comes first.

Some of my new benefit cards came in the mail. When everything is active, I'll have that extra protection, so I won't end up homeless or starving to death.

Back to the hospital next week for a new test. Every time I go to the doctor, they want a blood test. It's almost like I know all of the lab techs by their first names. A good thing? You be the judge.

Wednesday, July 30, 2014

Fight to Not Snap

As we get some things done, we fight to scream and not black out. If we keep our p/h balance as smooth as we can, that's helps some. But the pain is still there.

We don't want to violently dissociate or heavily drink again. Because in the past that almost killed us.

How do you get thru the next sentence?

Tuesday, July 29, 2014

Lots of Pain Today

All day long, it's been fighting to not scream, snap and fall apart. You don't want to be scared to go out of the house. But you have to be careful. It's like all of the pain of being raped hits you all at once. What do you do then?

Monday, July 28, 2014

Constant Fighting

While fighting continues tot rage around the world, it also affects people who are trying to survive severe trauma from it. You can set aside politics and other factors. What you then have is normal human beings who didn't ask to be subjected to horrible things. While we're getting things done, it's also a non-stop battle to try and keep some sense of balance
You get no break. You have o idea of what it's like to have one day with no trauma  symptoms. You scream and fight to not fall apart. At night, more nightmares happen. Nobody will listen to you or help you. Even though it's a nightmare, you can't sit back and do nothing.

On the other hand, we have protection thru various benefits to help make sure that we're not homeless or go bankrupt due to being on disability. Got my Medicaid number early. The cards for this and other benefits should come in the next few weeks. Extra coverage will mean extra sources to go to to get the treatment that we need.

At times, we just sit and focus on trying to have some sense of being grounded. No noise or any other distractions. We scream and fight to not fall apart. Everything has to be screened. Many times, we have several sources live streaming, but we don't pay close attention. Just to have something in the background.

You can't sit back and do nothing.

Thursday, July 24, 2014

Protecting Yourself

Everyone knows that there's no magic one-solution-fits-all-trauma cases. Everybody has a different history and heals at different rates. Keeping that in mind, how do you protect yourself from triggering content/people/places?

In the past, we used to say yes to almost every request from activist friends working on different causes. Then, we reached a point where saying yes was a threat to our well being. I can't handle my pain and the pain of everybody else in the world. Besides, if we're not careful, looking at too much depressing stuff on the news causes nightmares and other problems.

We try to be as selective as possible. These days, in those rare moments when we do watch TV, we turn the  sound down to protect ourselves from triggering stuff. Weird things can and do come out of nowhere. On bad days with anger and other symptoms, we feel at times like we're going to snap in two.

On the other hand, none of this is abnormal, considering everything that we've been through.

Another symptom? Because of the heart disease, we can't handle eating big meals or having lots of snacks all the time. Weight gain is a common problem for heart patients. Besides, it just adds to the overall stress on your system.

On bad days, do we think about getting a gun and killing everyone who treated us like shit? Yes. Would we actually go thru with it? No.

Everything has to be paced. At times, we have problems standing up without fainting. Doing simple things takes a huge amount of energy. Sometimes we just stop and go to bed because we're so run down.

Tomorrow, another appointment.

Wednesday, July 23, 2014

It's All Connected

Went back to my GP for another ear exam. This time, both were cleaned out (due to wax blockages). Now, my hearings back to normal. But in the process, I've learned more about and have had stuff confirmed about holistic health.

Everything really is connected. What can cause wax buildup in your inner ears? Lots of fat, sugar and high stress. All of these can affect heart disease as well. I can't handle more than three tiny meals a day. If I have snacks or anything else, I feel really bloated and run down. Why? Because to compensate, my heart is drawing blood away from things like digestion. If you drink lots of liquid, that also adds to feeling full.

I feel at times like I have no chi at all. I have to focus really hard to get out of bed and do basic things. I have problems walking up flights of stairs. I'm not short of breath. It's just that my legs hurt.

Do you feel abandoned? We cry and at other times don't know what to do. We curl up and rock back and forth to feel safe.

Lots of coverage of the MH17 funeral for the victims. To show respect, try to find and put out the actual truth about this, instead of endless boring Putin bashing.

Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Rest and Focus

Some easy things to do today. Aside from those, just rest. Almost no energy, and it's a struggle at times to not black out from body pain and flashbacks.

On the other hand, with added benefits we have added protection and more potential leads to the proper treatment. Also, we did nothing wrong. Despite how severe the pain is at times, all of this is a normal response to the severity of your symptoms.

We just want rest and to feel safe.

Monday, July 21, 2014

We Got Approved

Great news. I went to my benefits appeal hearing, and got approved for a monthly amount and extra medical coverage. Which means continue living as cheaply as possible to make it all work. But also, I can now have access to possibly more helpful treatment for both my heart disease and PTSD symptoms.

This afternoon, just sit and rest. Have some tea, and stay away from all triggering stuff.

Sunday, July 20, 2014

Sit Back and Do Nothing? You Can't Do That

Last year, I was evaluated by a psychiatrist regarding my PTSD symptoms. She said that the severity was equal to s vet who's done way too many tours in dangerous places, and never got the proper help. Now, I'm dealing with the long term consequences of that.

Every day, you try and focus as best you can. However, it's still a battle to not dissociate. For a long time, violent dissociating was a survival mechanism. Now, I still have to fight to focus and not end up dissociating all day.

We feel sad, we cry, and we even curl up in the corner so nobody will hit us. You turn away and silently scream, and that way again nobody will abuse the shit out you.

Does this happen to you?

Wednesday, July 16, 2014

We're Not Available.

A long day with doctor appointments, new medication, coming down with ear infections in both ears, and then cancelling a trip for tomorrow. Instead, do all of that, do some shopping, and then come home and just rest. No triggering stuff, no calls to save the world, nothing.

Just stay home and rest.

Lately, we still struggle with emotions after being raped. It's like, nobody saved us. What do we do now? then again, every support source that we have say that that's totally normal.

It's like all of the pain from being raped hits you all at once. We just want to have some sense of balance.

Tomorrow, a day off. Back at it on Friday.

Monday, July 14, 2014

The Protection Dispatch

Tomorrow we go back to see the cardiologist about all of our heart test results. did my doctor give me any specific guidelines? So far, just if it hurts, stop doing it. One minute a nurse tells me I'm getting better. Then you have massive heart damage, heart failure, and so on.

We're just trying to keep some sense of balance. It's rough when you feel like you're going to snap. We don't want to violently dissociate and fall apart. You don't know what's going on, and what's worse, you don't care.

Time for some tea.

Sunday, July 13, 2014

I Don't Want to Dissociate

Another horrible day with fighting to not violently dissociate. You almost feel like you're going to black out. It's like binge drinking. You lose all sense of where you are, and many times you don't care.

We don't want to fall back into that. Non-stop pain all day long. Instead, a healthy balance.

Saturday, July 12, 2014

Ups and Downs

A lot of chi ups and downs today. Despite that, you have to fight back.

Next week, I see the cardiologist to find out about all of my heart test results. I'm still sticking to my holistic approach as best I can.

More as it happens.

Friday, July 11, 2014

Do You Have the Solution?

We all know there's no magic one-cure-fits-all trauma histories. You know it's not your fault . You know you did nothing wrong. Despite that, you still struggle.

You're sitting in a small bedroom in a two-story house. It's fall, the window is open and the breeze is blowing in. Yet, everything feels like it's in black and white. You feel trapped, and don't know what to do. Others are downstairs, but can't be bothered to pay attention. It's pointless to even talk to them.

You feel almost brainwashed and not in control as one of the psycho rapists takes you into his room. You know something's wrong, but it's like you're watching yourself take off your clothes as the monster does the same thing. You want to scream, but you can't. The psycho's skin is next to yours, and his penis is in your anus. You want to scream, but nothing will come out.

No one will burst into the room and save you.
No police sniper will see an opening and blow the psycho's head off to save you.
No cop will use a rape testing kit to convict the psycho.

You want to get a gun, and kill everyone that raped you or abused the shit out you. It's legal where you live, but what's the point?

We still struggle to keep some sense of balance and not fall apart. If I say my name, the fact that I have PTSD and other health problems that are connected could be used against me by a future boss. I don't give a fuck what the anti-discrimination laws say. If I knew ahead of time that you have these problems, I never would have hired you.

There are actually many employers out there with this mindset. Does it bother them saying this stuff? No.

Despite that, the important thing is to continue as best you can.

Thursday, July 10, 2014

Struggling for Balance

One minute, your chi is there. The next, you have trouble moving around. Despite that, we just trying to keep a sense of balance as best we can. Have a nice night.

Wednesday, July 9, 2014

How's Your Energy Level?

Another day with almost no energy. Managed to make it up from a quarter mile to a half mile run. After that, too hot to do anything else. Also, no caffeine, and stay off of salt and sugar as much as possible. It's too much of a drain on your chi.

Tomorrow, back to the therapist.

Tuesday, July 8, 2014

Balance and Some Rest

Another day of fighting symptoms and feeling run down. On the other hand, we avoid violent dissociating as much as possible.Daydreaming is one thing. This is way over at the other end of the scale.

Avoid all triggering atuff as much as possible. Time for bed.

Monday, July 7, 2014

Depression and More

More doctor appointments in the next week. Also, it's back to the therapist. While that's happening, symptoms are still a struggle to fight against. You fight really hard to not scream and black out from the pain of being raped. But every mental health support source that we trust all say the same thing. It has to come out. None of this is abnormal in any way, considering what you've been thru and never got help for.

Bad days with fear, abandonment and more happen. When they do, we curl up in a corner, cry and rock back and forth. At least that way we won't get attacked. Can we trust anyone? Sometimes we don't know.

You have to protect your well being. Nobody else will do it for you.

Too much triggering news today. Much of it is just ridiculous. So why waste time dealing with it?

Emotionally, we feel like we're at the day after getting raped. There is no magic formula that fits all trauma survivors and instantly fixes everything. There's also shame, and just feeling like dirt. Nobody comes in to save you. Nobody uses a rape testing kit (guy survivors get testing kits just like women do). Nobody does anything.

You ask for help, and nobody listens. Many who's job it is to listen to and help trauma survivors scream at you for wasting their valuable time with YOUR PROBLEM.

You fix it. It's not my problem. You deal with it.

You don't want to hurt anybody else or yourself. Where do you go?

Do you have thoughts about suicide? At times we do, but we'd never act on it. Imagine being abused non-stop every single day. You go thru your entire day and constantly fighting abuse (verbal, physical, mental, and being raped).

Nobody listens to you or helps you. On the other hand, you don't want to die and give them the satisfaction.

What do you do?

No matter what, we did nothing wrong. Everything that we say is true. If others are horrible and can't deal with it, that's their problem. We're not responsible for their health.

We just want a sense of balance.

Sunday, July 6, 2014

Sad But Trying to Cope

For the past couple of days, it's been a constant battle to not violently dissociate. You cry all day and struggle with feeling abandoned, dirty and worthless. You know you're not. But it's like you're at the next day after being raped emotionally.

Everybody heals at different rates. There's no magic cure to fit all trauma survivors. We know that. Having said that, you still struggle with trying not to feel worthless. Nobody listened, nobody saved us. Nobody did anything.

Every day there's endless abuse. You have to fight back, because you have no other choice. How do you do that AND everything else you have to do in the day?

In our case, no matter what happens, we know we're telling the truth. Other horrible people may have problems with that. However, we're not responsible for their health. We will protect ourselves as best we can. If others can't see or won't do anything about their mental illness, that's their problem.

You cry all day, you go outside. Or, you just sit in the corner and rock back and forth, because that way nobody will abuse you. I don't have all of the answers for my multiples and little kid. But that's okay.

Thursday, July 3, 2014

What Day is It?

Sorry to be away for a while. It's been a constant battle to not dissociate or just fall apart from rampant PTSD symptoms. Violent unchecked dissociating used to be a way to survive. Add to that a horrible diet and rampant alcoholism. Now, you fight all day long not to fall apart. We rock back and forth at times to try and feel safe. Everything has to be screened. We mix lots of live stream sources at times to have something to focus on. It doesn't matter that you're not listening or watching closely. Just that it's something tangible in the space that you're in.

Do you still feel abandoned? Every day we try to reassure ourselves that we did nothing wrong. Why then do some other horrible people treat us like dirt? One reason is because not all but many of them are mentally ill. Where does that come from? We don't know. Having said that, we're not responsible for what they do or say. OR, what they don't do or don't say.

We've heard it's common for trauma survivors to take on the pWe have ain of the rest of the world. We did that for a long time. Then, you realize that no, you can't solve everything. But that's okay. Your well being comes first.

We have moments now where you feel paralyzed. You're fighting to not scream, snap, dissociate and black out. All at the same time. You literally can't move.On the other hand, if you do nothing and don't fight to keep some sense of balance, you'll fall apart.

What else can you do?

We have moments where you think, what happens if we're not around? Would anybody care? It's not that you have a death wise. It's just fighting to not feel abandoned. We're still struggling with the severity of our symptoms, It's like the day after you got raped. What are you supposed to do?

We know we did nothing wrong. If others can't understand that, that's their problem. Nobody else will look out for our well being. You don't want to feel like everybody's dangerous. Then again, you have to protect yourself.

Monday, June 23, 2014

Lots of Bases

Finally found out more about why I was denied SSI and Medicaid. It's a problem with their definition of "income". To fix it, yes, you have to document everything. Then, wait a month for a decision. If you spend money on ANYTHING, save the receipts, because somebody will want it.

Other than that, symptoms are still there. One of my cardiologist's nurses left a voice mail saying that my heart test results have improved. But, I have to wait three more weeks for specifics.

Enough for tonight.

Saturday, June 21, 2014

Yes and No

As we keep trying to cope with and heal from heart disease and PTSD, a big part of it is pacing and rest. Now, today we found out news about our disability income and Medicaid. I do "officially" have a "disability". Yet, because of "income" (monthly help from the parents to be able to eat, pay my medical bills and survive), I'm being denied. Also, because of being on food stamps, that's "income assistance" that's being counted against me.

In short, I'm being penalized for trying to be responsible and to not be a burden on anyone else?

The impression I'm getting is that you literally have to have nothing to even remotely have a chance at getting disability. You can't get anything of monetary value from anyone else. Otherwise it counts against you. Literally food, clothes and so on.

I want to keep control over my life. I don't want to live like everything literally has to be approved by someone else. Why the hell do you need THIS? Why not the cheapest version? That's no way for anyone to live. Do these benefits people know that?

I want tto keep control over my life.

Saturday, June 14, 2014

Stay Home and Rest

No energy today. Just lots of rest and occasionally try to get something done. Tomorrow I'm staying home and not going to the parents' house for the Dad's Day party (which at 8:14 p.m. still isn't definite). Covered my bases and left a "thanks but I'm staying home" voicemail. I just want to focus on my health.

Tuesday, June 10, 2014

Finally Some More Information

Spent much of the past two days at Social Security, trying to get copies of the tests they had requested. I finally got them backed up on a CD. Went home and printed everything out, and it's a mix. The psychological one wasn't that much of a surprise. Keep going to therapy, and consider going back on SSRI (psychiatric medication).

The cardiac one in some ways confirmed what we already knew. I have diminished heart function and an irregular heart beat. This is for several reasons:

An irregular heartbeat can be hereditary, in some cases.

The constant struggle to fight to survive being a rape survivor can affect your heart function in many ways. Essentially, your system can only take so much.

Did I make myself sick on purpose? No. But, we're now dealing with some of the long term consequences of not getting help for ultra severe long term PTSD symptoms.

Part of it is to try and keep some sense of balance, and not go back to pefectionism. Also, we'll talk to the therapist next week about meds. The psychiatrist is suggesting that I go back on them. However, in doing some research on meds and side effects, I found an article that says that over the past twenty years it's been proven that SSRI (psychiatric) meds actually hurt you more thna help you. Not once in the conversation did she ever mention that. While I don't expect perfection, this really bugs me. Right now, I feel taking a more holistic approach is better than going back to meds.

The last thing I need is to go back to horrible side effects.

Saturday, June 7, 2014

Side Effects or No Side Effects?

Went to see the psychiatrist two days ago. She suggested that I go back on an anti-depressant. I tried to explain that I'd had three severe addictions in the past that NOBODY helped me with. I had some of the worst side effects I've ever had (hallucinations, even worse dissociating than before, and others). Maybe I didn't explain it clearly, but at times she sounded like a drug commercial. Yes, in the past addiction to various medications was a serious problem. Now, with many of the latest SSRI medications, the chances of addiction are almost zero.

But, there's still a chance of being addicted.

When I was on anti depressants, they actually made my symptoms worse. It was actually harder to deal with backed up anger and other symptoms because the block was worse that was getting in the way. Therefore, why would anyone want to go through that again?

Are you taking any meds these days? How do they help you (if at all)? At times, the backed up stress would come flooding out and literally paralyze me. One day, you feel okay. The next, you can't get out of bed. Then, when you can, literally every bone and muscle in your body is in severe pain. Today's one of those days. Lots of severe lower back and hip pain. If I shift my weight in either direction, it hurts to move. Basic stretching is extremely painful. Does this mean go back to a chiropractor for acupuncture?

Social Security called yesterday, and says that I got approved for disability income and medicaid. In the next three weeks I get cards and explanations of all of my benefits to add to what I already have. They also say I can go back to work. But, it's limited by not going over a certain income.

One of my concerns right now is to have control over my life. These are my benefits and this is my budget. I decided what to pay and cover it. Nobody else can be a bully and use money as a weapon to control me.

Violent dissociating was one way to survive trauma. Even when you know that it didn't help to escape pain, like an addict you go back to using it again. Is that the definition of "insanity'? I don't know. All I know is that I don't want to fall back into those rituals. Instead, do something else and see what happens.

Pacing myself as I try to cope with body pain and slowly going thru some old papers. What do we back up on the external hard drive and what do we just throw out?

Don't dissociate. Go the other way, and see what happens.

Wednesday, June 4, 2014

Really Run Down

Went to see the new psychiatrist earlier today. I tried to explain about my symptoms and that I'm not saying I'll NEVER take meds. It's just that with 3 severe addictions in the past, I have to be careful. Those actually made my symptoms worse. She kept saying today, lots of drugs aren't addictive, so it's okay. How can a drug not be addictive or have side effects?

I try instead to take a holistic approach as much as I can. Stay off of stimulants and exercise to try and burn off some trapped trauma energy. It doesn't always work, but at times it helps. At times I feel like I have no energy at all. I can barely get out of bed. I can barely walk to my front door and then out to my car. Then again, all of this is normal, considering our trauma history.

You're not "weird" or "abnormal" in any way.

I don't want to go back to destructive dissociating. It's still terrifying to try and face how severe my symptoms have been. You never got the help that you needed. Now, you're dealing with the consequences.

Slipping into dissociating is like binge drinking. You think it will give you some relief from pain. Instead, it makes it worse. A really acidic diet makes symptoms worse. Stimulants are like doing coke.

We have to protect our well being.

Saturday, May 31, 2014

Wednesday, May 28, 2014

Don't Dissociate. Do Something Else.

How many times a day do you struggle to not dissociate? For us, it's probably still at least one hundred times a day. You can't sit back and do nothing. Which means at times you're so exhausted that you can't do anything.

Tomorrow, it's back to the hospital for three new stress tests. We try to look at it like don't worry about labels. We have health and emotional problems that we're trying to cope with as best we can. If others can't deal with thse, that's their problem.

Go to bed early tonight. Then, try getting up at 3 a.m.

Monday, May 26, 2014

Trying to Not Fall Apart

More of fighting symptoms and trying to not snap. You can't just sit back and  do nothing.

Another important thing is to set boundaries and say no when necessary. We can't handle the pain of the rest of the world and ours all at the same time.

Keep your balance.

Saturday, May 24, 2014

Denial is No Longer an Issue

Like a lot of trauma survivors, you try to escape the pain of being raped in other things. In my case, it was lots of junk food and rampant alcoholism. You think it's relief from pain, but it only makes it worse. Now, denial isn't an issue. But the symptoms are still there.

You feel exhausted all the time fighting to not black out. You scream and feel like you're going to snap in two. You try a mix of ways to ground yourself, and many times these don't work.

What do you do then?

One thing that makes my symptoms worse is stimulants. Tiny amounts make you feel like you're going to just snap. This means I still make changes in my diet. Many formerly favorite foods and drinks are now too much. How do I make this dish delicious with no spices?

I'm still working on my disability application. As things slowly happen, I've thought about what's next (either way). At times, I just want to get an apartment by the beach and just heal. I cover all my bills myself, and I don't have to deal with bullies who try to use money as a weapon to control others.

Does PTSD ever go away? I don't know. Do I think about getting a gun and killing the psychos that raped me? At times, yes. Would I actually do that? No. Do I have horrible days with anger and fighting to not black out? Yes.

It's not our fault.

Wednesday, May 21, 2014

Up and Down Energy

One minute, your chi level feels okay. The next, you can barely move. I try to do some exercise every day, just to fight heart patient apathy. Despite that, at times I can literally barely run. I try to keep my diet healthy, and to take breaks when needed. Even with all of that, at times I go to bed at about 7 at night (versus the normal 11 or midnight).

All of this is a normal response to a long and horrible trauma history that we never got the proper help for. Now we're dealing with the long term effects of it.

How's your balance?

Monday, May 19, 2014

Trying to Pace

Lots of stuff to do online, and files to back up. In between, lots of breaks as well. We're really run down from fighting symptoms all the time. Tomorrow it's back to the therapist.

Just trying hard to not dissociate.

Saturday, May 17, 2014


Today, another run down day where you struggle to keep moving. Everything feels sore and run down. Which means lots of rest, as best you can.

We still have nightmares and other symptoms. The next therapist appointment is next week. In the meantime, try not to give into old destrucitve stuff to try and escape pain (dissociating, a horrible junk food habit, and other stuff).

Thursday, May 15, 2014

It's Not All Second Nature

We were so exhausted last night that we slept in late this morning. Then, some errands and doing some research about the best ways to continue to protect ourselves and get the proper treatment. One idea. If that doesn't work here, what about going back abroad? If yes, where would we go? How do we cover all of the costs?

We rarely get any sleep at night. Our appetite is poor. Tiny meals, and then we still feel bloated. If we suddenly sit up, we feel faint. We still dissociate at least 100 times a day. We have to fight really hard to not black out.

We're still struggling with the severity of our symptoms.

What's one of the hardest things we've had to face? The fact that nobody else will protect you. We don't want to get destroyed by anger, abandonment and then turn into some horrible monster. But we still have nightmares, and have to fight to not black out.

We try to keep a healthy balance as we go.

None of this is abnormal, considering our trauma history.
We're not insane, weird or a freak that's a danger to anyone.
We can't beat understanding of trauma into others.

Then again, you struggle with feeling abandoned. Does that ever go away?

Tuesday, May 13, 2014

Not Having All of the Answers

All day long, it's been fighting symptoms. Don't black out. Body pain and more.

We're really exhausted.

Monday, May 12, 2014

Trusting Your Intuition

Do you take a lot of things as second nature? Or, do you try to trust your intuition to see what happens next? I'm not always right. But I try to pay attention to small things. How things affect you, and not just automatically doing something.

Next week, it's back to more appointments. All trauma survivors at times ask the same questions:

Will I always have PTSD symptoms?
Will I always have to take meds?
Since I know I'm not abnormal in any way, why does it feel like the rest of the world wants nothing to do with me?

I don't know these answers to these. Despite that, that doesn't mean that I don't struggle with the same things. It's like you have to fight really hard to find something positive in your past because it feels like it's all been horrible. You struggle with the severity of your symptoms, and nobody can be bothered to listen. Or, apparently to care.

At times, you feel paralyzed with fear and feelings of abandonment. I still struggle with how severe my symptoms have been and continue to be. You feel like you're the only one who can see all of the hypocracy in the world. You know you're not. But it feels that way.

In my case, everything's connected. At times I've thought, if I had to move to be able to get the proper help that I know I need, where would I go? How would I pay for everything  myself, and not be fighting with some bully who tries to use money as a weapon to control others? I want to go back to work. But now, my health comes first.

Any one of the three psychos who raped me could have killed me. Does anybody care about that?

While I can't control what others do and say, I can and will protect myself. Nobody else will look out for that.

I didn't ask for all of this pain. But it's still there.

Thursday, May 8, 2014

Getting Bombarded with Anger and More

You don't want to get eaten alive by anger or frustration. Yet, in our healing it feels like every day you struggle with this, abandonment and more. Almost every person we turned to for help did nothing. Now, we feel like we're dealing with the long term consequences of this.

You don't want to hurt yourself, or anybody else. But at times, you feel paralyzed.

Nobody asks to be a trauma survivor. On the other hand, at times you feel like you're the only one who sees all of the hypocracy in others. One minute, I'm concerned about you. The next minute, just go away.

What are you supposed to do?

You deserve better. But also, you try to keep some sense of balance as best you can. I can't make others understand about being a trauma survivor. But I will protect myself.

It's a matter of protecting your well being. You may have to be on some type of benefits to help you deal with and heal from your trauma history. However, it's also a matter of human dignity.

Do others pretend that you don't exist? I've had that as a homeless person and a trauma survivor.

How are you supposed to react to that?

I don't have a death wish in any way. yet at times, you have nightmares about what if you weren't around? An uncle died last week of heart disease. While I'm sorry for his family's loss, I don't want the same thing to happen to me.

You have to protect yourself.

Tuesday, May 6, 2014

Stressful Stuff (Contains potentially triggering content. Read at your own risk)

The next two days are going to be really rough. Why? Because one of my uncles died from heart disease. The funeral is tomorrow, and the body viewing is later today.

I've debated about this for a long time, and I realize that my personal safety is mandatory. I've learned the really hard way that nobody else will protect you. I also continue to fight symptoms every single day. Others say they're concerned about you. But they won't deal with the fact that among other things, you're a rape survivor. You're a torture survivor. Nobody will admit that or reassure you in any way.

You have to fight for your well being. Any suggestions?

Thursday, May 1, 2014

Pacing Is Everything

Another doctor's appointment tomorrow. As for right now, catching up online and resting. It feels like every yen minutes or so, I'm really run down and just need to quietly sit. No noise. Just sit and relax.

There are still lots of triggering things everywhere you look. Which means you still have to screen everything. You can't juts sit back and do nothing. You know it's not your fault. You just try to keep some sense of balance.

Saw my GP yesterday. Later this month, I'll have two stress tests to see if I have any blockage around my heart. Do I need surgery, a pacemaker or a defibrillator? I don't know. Until then, I'm still going mainly by intuition as far as how strenuous your activity is. Everything is connected.

Time for some more tea.

Tuesday, April 29, 2014

Appointments and Then Some

Had a new cardiologist  appointment earlier today. Basically, he thinks my holistic approach is the right thing to do. This also means stress tests coming up soon, and more appointments. Despite that, it feels good to get support that I'm taking the right approach.

The tough part is the varying chi flow. One day, you feel reasonably okay. The next, you can barely get out of bed. It also feels like I have a sharper sense of how things affect you. Not a surprise when you take stuff like alcoholism and junk food away.

My physical tolerance for lots of formerly favorite stuff just isn't there anymore. However, I'll take that as a good sign.

That's enough for today. Stay well in your part of the world.

Saturday, April 26, 2014

A Rough Day

Finally got back home after a rough day. Did my stretching, meditation and tai chi for the night. Now, some nice juice and time to write.

Twice in the past two weeks, I'd eat something, stretch out to rest, and then try to get up. Both times for about 2 seconds I couldn't move. I wasn't resting on one side oor the other. I was lying flat on my back. My eyes were open, and I knew where I was. Yet, for two seconds I couldn't move. Then I could, and had trouble sitting up and walking for about half an hour. Then I'm fine.

What's causing this? I think it's fight-or-flight response. Because of the severity of my syptoms, you still have terrifying moments where you literally can't move. That's what my first therapist said.

Just to be sure (or so I thought), I called a local nurse helpline. Unfortunately the nurse wasn't much help. She seemed to always to stick to a scri[t, and got really pissed off when you asked her deviating questions. She said, go to an ER.

I went, waited four hours, and still got no help. Finally I said enough and went home. Got some dinner on the way back, and now I'm just kicking back before bed.

How do you deal with doctors and others who say we need to know your complete history, and then when you tell them they don't want to hear it? My GP thinks I'm on the right path. As for others, most act like I'm speaking Cantonese. They have no clue (and maybe don't care?) about what I'm saying.

I think this is all interconnected. Until somebody tells me I'm wrong (and so far no one has), I'll keep going with my holistic approach.

We're dealing with a really long ultra severe trauma history that we never got the proper help for. And now we're doing our best to find it.

Wednesday, April 23, 2014

Trying to Cope(Contains potentially triggering content. Read at your own risk)

You try to keep a sense of clarity. But it's still a constant battle to not dissociate. You can't just sit back and do nothing. If you do, you'll fall apart.

At times, I feel like I'm going to snap. I've never done jail time for assaulting somebody. However, it feels at times like backed up anger is lashing out. Another appointment with the therapist today. We'll see what she has to say.

Tuesday, April 22, 2014

Lots of Appointments

Six appointments in the next two weeks. Started with a cardiologist and a checkup four moths after getting out of the hospital. After that, just stayed home and tried to rest. I'm averaging about 2 hours of sleep a night. It's not because of eating too late or too much caffeine. It just feels like all of my symptoms are coming out (if that makes sense). I didn't want to deal with my full trauma history. Now, I am, without endangering myself or anyone else.

You try to ground yourself as best you can. Despite that, many times that doesn't help. At times, you feel like you're going to snap in two. It's like you're almost bouncing off the walls trying not to black out.

How do you cope with this? I don't want to go back to violent dissociating as a way to survive. At the same time, it's scary when you think about the long term effects of untreated trauma. Aside from one therapist, two short term counselors and my current therapist, NOBODY else helped me.

How does that effect you long term?

Saturday, April 19, 2014

Coping with Feeling Safe

Do you feel safe these days? You can't stop all triggering stuff. But you can try to screen it to keep a sense of balance and safety.

Next week are lots of new appointments. In the process, I'll have second cardiac and psychiatric opinions. I still have nightmares and all the other PTSD symptoms. I also feel like I still haven't dealt with the full reality of my trauma history.

Do you feel like you're the same? How's your coping going?

Monday, April 14, 2014


Trying to stay grounded as lots of symptoms happen. I feel like it's trauma connected to everything. If my system's out of balance, I feel like I'm going to fall apart.

I just want some sense of grounding.

Saturday, April 12, 2014

Trying to Cope

Catching up some writing in the midst of peace and quiet. You feel at times like you know everything that everyone's going to say, and what all of the responses will be. Why bother then to turn anything on?

More doctor appointments are coming soon. One's with a psychiatrist and another is a cardiac checkup. One frustrating thing about heart problems is that you don't know what any guidelines are. Can I have this in my diet? Is this working out too much? Am I damaging  my system in some way? Due to circumstances beyond my control, it will be four months since I got out of the hospital, and NO cardiac followup. If I have questions now, a 24-hour nurses line says if it's an emergency, go to an ER. Otherwise, just pace yourself until your appointment.

It's not a matter of perfection. It's a matter of trying to have a sense of balance.

I got raped by three pedophiles between the ages of eight and ten. It took me years to find the first therapist who would actually listen to me. Before that, nobody could be bothered to pay attenton or to listen or to care. All survivors know the usual garbage lines:

It's your fault You fix it.

I can understand a woman getting raped. But how could you be so stupid? You let it happen what, three fucking times! How could anybody be that dumb?

Now, how are you supposed to respond to that?

Many times, if I tried (or now if I try) to talk about being a survivor, people act like I don't exist. I'm their worst nightmare, and if I just shut up I'll magically go away.The attitude you get many times is that you're inconveniencing THEM by being there.You're ruining THEIR day.

What you think and what you feel? Nobody cares about that.

Now, because of PTSD and heart symptoms, at times I have no energy. I can walk and get around, but feel like I'm about 110. Instead of running a normal three to five iles a day, now I can barely do half. I then try to ride a bike at an easy pace, but still worry about am I doing too much? I try at times to control my pulse rate, but many times that doesn't work. You feel like you have no control over your body.

What do you do then?

In the past ten years, I've almost died five times. I've never had one day free of PTSD symptoms. Now, to stand a chance of qualifying for additional benefits, I have to live on almost no money and borrow money from others to literally pay all of my bills. That way, I have no "official income" (according to Social Security).

You have to literally have almost nothing to then be able to continue having literally almost nothing.

There's the benefits side of dealing with trauma, and then the emotional. My first therapist actually said I'm surprised you didn't kill yourself years ago from your horrible history of abuse.

How do I respond to that?

I understand that benefits are there for a reason. You use them if you need them. But also, like any normal person, you don't want to be literally dependent on someone else for everything. Every single thing has to "justified" by someone else.

I just want to have some sense of balance, and hope.

Wednesday, April 9, 2014

Really Run Down

Really drained today in fighting symptoms and trying not to stress out my system. It feels like I have four or five diseases all at the same time. Despite that, I'm trying to not dissociate. Go the other way and see what happens.

Sunday, April 6, 2014

Trying to Keep Your Balance

One minute, it feels like there's a sense of balance. Then, you have no energy and fight hard to not black out. That's the pattern for the past few days. You know you're not crazy or paranoid. You're not going to snap, buy a gun and kill everyone who gets in your way. You don't want to hurt yourself or anyone else. You also don't want to rape a terrified innocent little kid because you got raped by three psycho pedophiles.I have no desire to have a connection with a pedophile. However, I've been told by some of my mental health sources that in ultra severe trauma cases, the survivor has some "identification" with the pedophile.

One minute, there's a sense of focus. You feel like you can actually focus for thirty seconds without dissociating. Then, that takes you back to when dissociating was violent and non-stop. From the time you wake up to when you go to sleep, you're bombarded with abuse and noise. Nobody can be bothered to listen or apparently care. Everywhere you turn, it's abuse.

Will anybody listen? What if nobody wants to listen? What do you do then? It's like someone telling a little kid to leave and never come back. The door shuts behind you, and all you have is yourself.

How is a little kid supposed to react to that?

By the end of the month, I'll have two exams with doctors retained by Social Security. As I go along and deal with different appointments, I make it a point to explain about my trauma history, because people need to know about it.

One minute, there's some sense of balance. Then, sadness and abandonment. You don't have a death wish. Yet the thought comes to mind. What if I wasn't here? Would ANYBODY care? Or are people so incredibly busy that they just can't be bothered. The easier thing to do is to say you don't exist. Problem solved.

I didn't ask to be raped. I didn't ask to be a trauma survivor. Yet I am. I will protect myself.

The law of karma applies to everyone. You're responsible for what you say and do. Nobody forced those horrible people that treated me like shit to do that. They chose to do it, and now you deal with the consequences.

It feels like endless stress. You fight PTSD symptoms, heart disease and all the rest of it. On certain days you can barely get out bed. How do I get out of my car and walk to my front door. I'm not  90 years old and suffering from arthritis, fibromyalgia and MS. Then why do I feel at times like I have all of these?

I just want to rest.

Saturday, April 5, 2014

One Minute Some Stability. Then, Nothing

Everybody that I trust keeps telling me the same thing. Considering your trauma history, what's happening now is normal. One minute you feel like you have some energy and cn get thru your day. The next, you can't do anything. You struggle to fight and to not fall apart. Meanwhile, it feels like the world the screaming at you. Why can't you keep up? Why are you always fucking tired? No apparent comprehension or understanding of what you're fighting.

How do you make these people understand? You can't. On the other hand, you can protect yourself. Considering a lifetime of abuse, nobody deserves to have that continue.

More doctor appointments coming soon. In the meantime, take breaks when you need them. Sorry, but I'm not available right now.

Wednesday, April 2, 2014

Covering Bases

Today's a day off. I was barely able to move yesterday, and my body was screaming stop. Today then just rest and plan ahead for my Friday appointment with the therapist.

Like many other conditions, many ask is PTSD curable? Will you always have it, and you just learn to live with it? I don't know. I just try to bear in mind that none of it is our fault. We did nothing wrong.

You scream and fight all day long to not fall apart. You can't just sit back and nothing, but then you will fall apart. It doesn't matter that the psycho rapist really isn't there, but you still have to fight your way out of a lucid dream. You can't just sit back and do nothing.

You feel empty and can barely move. You don't want to hurt yourself or anyone else. But the emptiness is still there.

What do you do then?

What's one of the hardest parts of dealing with trauma? Facing the full reality of your history in the most non-threatening way you can. I know it's not my fault. My multiples and my little kid also know it's not their fault. Having said that, you still struggle with occasional questions and fears.

How come so many who say they're concerned are so cruel?
Is it really true that it gets much worse before it starts to get better?

I don't know.

Tuesday, April 1, 2014

Not Much Sleep

Friday, i go to a new therapist. Up to this point, I'm telling all doctors and therapists that I deal with about my trauma history, and how it's connected. At night, I'm not getting much sleep. Violent nightmares and body pain are still there.Then again, everyone that I trust are telling me the same thing. None of this is abnormal, considering the severe history that you have.

Regardless of where you are in your overall healing, are you having times when you feel like it's getting worse? Like no matter what you do, you have no control? How are you supposed to deal with that?

I don't want to hurt myself, or anybody else. But that fear is there.

You feel paralyzed at times. How do you deal with abandonment?

Sunday, March 30, 2014

Fight to Keep a Sense of Balance

Not much sleep in the past couple of days.Instead, nightmares and constantly wondering if everything is safe or not.You check all around the apartment, and then you still can't go back to sleep. What do you do?

i go back at times to some of the worst moments with my symptoms. Was I borderline psychotic, due to not getting the help that I needed? I'm not sure. It's not torturing yourself. It's just trying to face scary parts of your trauma history. ,

Friday, March 28, 2014


Outside, rain. Inside, I just want some sense of quiet. I'm still fighting dissociating and blacking out. Flashbacks and body pain.Not much sleep at night. Usually, it's nightmares and being afraid of what's in (or not in) the apartment.

Fighting symptoms and chest pain is really draining. What now?

Thursday, March 27, 2014

Trying to Cope With Emptiness

Whle the families of the MH 370 passengers and crew continue to struggle with emptiness and grief, I'm still dealing with my own. I fight to wake up and not automatically black out from dissociating. For a long time, violent non-syop dissociating was a 24/7 survival mechanism. Which means of course that it doesn't instantly change. Just thru laregly not giving up, at times I have moments of clarity. At others, non-stop pain.

You try to focus and maintain some sense of balance. But along with that you have flashbacks and try to not fall apart. If you don't keep some sense of balance, you literally feel like you're going to fall apart.

How do you cope with that and heart disease? Sometimes I don't know how far I can go. If I push harder in this run, will I damage my system? I haven't been able to have a cardiac followup appointment for almost 3 months. What else can I do?

Is there such a thing as closure? I'm not sure. Instead, you try and move forward as best you can.


Wednesday, March 26, 2014

A Constant Battle to Focus

Another day of trying not to dissociate and worsening adrenalin surges. You try to concentrate and focus  your energy so it feels like a smooth flow, and you're not losing sensations in different parts of your body. But it still happens.

My next therapist appointment is next week. I try to keep some sense of calm. Despite that, you wake up in the middle of the nightI'm really trying to . Nightmares happen. Dissociating and hyperawareness. I'm really trying to pay attention to my intuition, especially with heart disease. How far can you go before you're putting your system in danger? I try to focus and to slow my pulse rate down. Even with that, at times that doesn't work.

Every source that I trust says the same thing. All of this is normal, considering what you've been through. You struggle with that, and the cruelness of others in the process. Why do they do and say that crap? I don't know.

I just to have  a sense of balance. One day with no symptoms.

Tuesday, March 25, 2014

What Exactly is Closure?

As the sad news about MH 370 continues,there's lots of talk about the families of the victims trying to find closure. You need to find thi to be able to continue on with your life.

Sounds easy to say. However, in reality, does anybody ever find closure? Finding that's like a journalist being 100% objective. I'm not sure it ever happens.

In my case, I'm trying to keep a sense of being grounded. That's tough to do when you're constantly being bombarded with body pain, adrenalin surges and flashbacks. What good would taking more medication do? To me, it would just make it worse. The underlying pain is still there. Now, you'd have a harder time dealing with anger and more.

Why are so many people cruel when you didn't ask to be raped and have all of this pain to deal with? Since I got raped, I've never had one day free of pain. Will I ever have that?

Monday, March 24, 2014

Screen Everything

A sorry for your loss to all of the families and friends of the MH370 victims. Maybe they'll find some sense of closure (whatever that means).

We still fight symptoms all the time. Dissociating is one of the toughest ones. As we apply for new benefits, you have to outline your trauma history. Which means more flashbacks and nightmares. On the other hand, we did nothing wrong.

Sunday, March 23, 2014

Pay Attention to the Small Things

We've been sleeping in for the past few days to try and catch up on our rest. One minute, you feel fairly balanced. Then, you can barely move. You feel over weight and sore all over. In the past two weeks, we have put on a little weight. is it a side effect from the medication? So far, no.

Despite that, anger, flashbacks and body pain are there as well. I see it as all connected. Which means when applying for Social Security Income (SSI) and Medicare, everything has to be documented. The really frustrating part is getting caught in legalese arguments over what is a "disability" anyway? I didn't as for any of this. We  haven't been able to get victim compensation due to the compensation commission being set up after these crimes took place. Therefore, they don't exist.

How do you deal with that sense of abandonment?

Thursday, March 20, 2014

A Connection with Grief

First, continued hope for the families and loved ones of everyone on MA370. If the MSM really wants to help, try by not exploiting their grief. Constantly running  video loops of people crying and being carried away is helpful? I don't think so.

Closer to home, I'm really feeling run down. I tried to go out for a short run (half a mile). I could barely make 200 yards before almost feeling like I could barely move. I usually don't have chest pain or pain elsewhere. Yet now it feels at times like I can barely move.

At times I have flashbacks to being in the hospital. Almost dying twice, and fighting to hang on. feeling like I have no control over my body. Lots of people come into the room, and you think for a second. Am I going to die? Will I end up in a come and on a respirator?

What do you do?

Right now, I feel really run down. You also fight hard to keep some sense of balance. You can't look at much content on TV because it all the same. You turn the sound down because maybe that will make a difference. No it doesn't.

You don't want to fall apart. Yet nightmares and body pain still happen. Earlier today we were screaming and fighting to not get raped. It doesn't matter that it was a horrible lucid dream. You have to fight back to survive.

I was evaluated by a psychiatrist about six months ago. She said in her opinion, I had the same symptoms as a vet who's been in way too many deployments and never got help.

You get bombarded with sadness and feeling abandoned as flashbacks to fighting to survive happen. You know it's not your fault. But they still happen.

You're upstairs in a room, and the windows are open. A cool breeze is blowing, and it feels like a scary winter. You feel alone and deserted. Many around you say that they care. But nobody will touch you or reassure you in any way.

How many times have survivors heard the same lines? I can understand a woman getting raped. But you were stupid enough to be raped by 3 pedophiles? What's wrong with you? You fix it, don't waste my time with this shit. Just go away.

How are you supposed to react to that?

You don't want to hurt either yourself or anyone else. Yet the thoughts are there.

What do you do?

You have to protect your well being at all costs. Does every day feel terrifying? No. yet symptoms are still there.

You don't want to die. Despite that, the pain of the psycho rapist sticking his dick in your anus and cuming makes you feel how? Like worthless garbage? Nobody can be bothered to listen or care?

Nobody came rushing in to save you.
Nobody called the cops.
No cops used a rape testing kit.
The state government says that legally, these crimes don't exist.

Now what do you do?

Tuesday, March 18, 2014


No noise right now. Just peace and quiet. Also, we really don't want to have another dissociative relapse. But the pain of fighting to not fall apart keeps happening. At times you have to scream and turn away.

It's like nobody has time to listen. Nobody can be bothered to pay attention. But you can't give in and off yourself. Can't give those that treated you like shit the satisfaction.

Will you ever get any sense of validation from someone that you're constantly second guessing? I don't know.

Saturday, March 15, 2014

A Lot to Talk About

A quiet  night at home. NBA highlights are on, but the sound's turned down. At times you have to do that to protect yourself from triggering content. The doors are locked, and no chance of any commandoes from anywhere breaking in.

Having said that, thanks for the constantly growing support. I don't know all of you. But I do know that somebody's reading this (other than the NSA and GCHQ).

Went to the psychiatrist on Thursday, and it was quite a mix. A nice person, but bad timing with that being her last day before she takes a new job. Despite that, she gave me some helpful suggestions on how to cope until the next psychiatrist can help. One key is someone being able to deal with complex dissociative disorder.

We talked a lot about struggling with symptoms, and how to use and trust your intuition. I'm not always right. But my percentage is pretty high.

Many survivors talk about feeling like they have their pain, and the pain of the rest of the world to deal with. They feel like it's their obligation to protect all trauma survivors (regardless of the underlying cause). While it's not my place to tell others what to do, I can't do that, for many reasons.

Up to this point, I've spoken out a least six times on various radio talk shows about being a guy survivor. My feeling before doing each one was if it helps others, that's all that matters. However, for whatever reasons not all but many have the idea that because I'm a survivor, I can understand and solve all of their problems for them.

I wish I could. But I can't.

What's kept me alive? One thing is to never give up. Lots of people have talked about this in many contexts. But the idea is the same. Another reason is not giving everyone who treated you like dirt the satisfaction by offing yourself. No chance of that.

That being said, what else can you do?

We're trying really hard to not dissociate. It feels like making a million decisions every single day. Do we dissociate and vanish? Or, go the other way and see what happens?

So far so good.


Tuesday, March 11, 2014

How Things Affect You

One minute, there's anger. Then abandonment. Then exhaustion. But you have to keep going.

My first psychiatrist appointment is on Thursday. Maybe one question I'll have for her is, does pain ever go away? I try to look at it like it has to come out. Either in a good way, or in bad ways.

Out of all of the emotions that happen, maybe one of the hardest ones is, how come nobody else actually cared? How come nobody did anything about this? An innocent little kid gets raped repeatedly by three psycho pedophiles. And NOBODY does ANYTHING about it.

Why not?

Monday, March 10, 2014

It's Obscene Not to Care

We all know that the world's full of endless horrible stuff. Triggering content is everywhere. Yet, while it would be nice, you can't individually solve every  problem. How do you stay aware and protect your well being at the same time?

Throwing yourself into helping others is a common way for trauma survivors to cope. Then again, does it really help, or hurt? I've found that you have to take the "my well being comes first" approach. You can't take on the world's pain, and deal with your own at the same time. It doesn't mean that you're not aware. It's a matter of being selective.

My first psychiatrist appointment is in a few days. While I don't have a death wish, at times you do think about what if I wasn't here? What would happen then? Do abandonment and anger ever go away? I don't know. Despite that, I just try to ay we did nothing wrong. Others are responsible for what they do and say. If you choose to be horrible, then you deal with the consequences.

Like the saying goes, it's obscene to not care and try to do something about a problem. But, your well being comes first.