Saturday, November 15, 2014

How Empty Do You Feel?

Finally started with the new therapist. So far so good. Maybe this one won't move like the previous two did. The symptoms are still there. Body pain at times is crippling. One minute you feel like you gave some energy. Then, you're a hundred and ten, and can barely move.

Do you have nightmares? Nobody will help you. Which means you have to fight back all by yourself. Your intuition feels like you're seeing all of the hypocracy in the world. Can you trust anyone? Why are so many horrible people trying to treat you like shit?

Does anybody care?

Being aware of the world and trying to make it better is fine. However, your well being comes first.I can't handle all of the pain in the world and mine at the same time.Which is why now almost always I say no, unless it might help someone in some way.

At certain times you feel like you're about five steps ahead of the rest of the world. I know everything that people will say, do, and what the responses will be. So why bother looking at any of it?

Do you feel like you're going to black out from anger and pain? For a long time, violent unchecked dissociating was a survival tool. Every day you got bombarded with abuse. There was no escape. You have to fight back. You can't just sit back and do nothing.

Am I the only person that sees all of this?

I'm not insane. I'm not psycotic. I'm not a danger to anyone. I didn't ask for all of this pain. But it's still there.

Your symptoms are a reflection of the severity of your trauma. Do I still struggle with denial? I can admit that I was raped. But I still struggle with that. I have bad days where for a spllit second I have thoughts about raping a little kid. I'm not a sick, twisted pedophile. So why do I have these thoughts? A previous therapist said that at times, survivors identify (for lack of a better word) with their rapist. I don't want this, but it's there.

Am I a danger to anyone? No, I'm not. However, when this happens, I'm really sad. Nobody protected me. Is this a fleeting thought about how to get revenge? I don't know.

Does anybody care?

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