Monday, November 30, 2015

Protect Yourself

Fighting symptoms and doing our best on a fixed income. It's not just seniors who struggle. We've had to start going to food banks to help cover our food budget each month. Do I pay for my food or my medication? That keeps happening.

We're really exhausted from non stop fighting to not dissociate. But what else can you do?

Saturday, November 28, 2015

I Have No Death Wish (contains potentially triggering stuff. Read at your own risk)

Another day of fighting symptoms and feeling exhausted most of the time. My niece will be in the psych hospital for a while, and hopefully getting the proper help. Despite that, I still have flashbacks to when I was in one by mistake.

Nobody supported me in any way
Not all, but many of the staff there were sadistic
When I got out, nobody acknowledged me in any way

Do you care that I'm alive? If I jumped out the window and killed myself, would you care? I can't control other people, but I will protect myself from their cruelty.

How is your symptom struggle? The urge to violently dissociate is still there. I don't want to disappear and not know where I am. Binge alcoholism? No. Instead of some Twelve Step approach, I use a holistic health one instead.

I've always tried to face my trauma history in the most non threatening way I can. Psychologically, I believe that's the healthiest thing to do. Do I want to go back to lots of meds? No. I'm up to almost ten a day now. Yes, like my psychiatrist says, not using meds is the tougher way to go. But I think it helps you to deal with your anger and other problems as well.

Why are so many people cruel? I don't know. But I WILL protect myself.

Friday, November 27, 2015


Went to see my niece who's in the psych hospital, along with others in the immediate family (whatever that means). I tried to be supportive, but at the same thing I'm really struggling with anger. Nobody supported me when I was in the hospital. All I heard was "it'll be a good learning experience for you" (this is from a psychiatrist). Nobody gave me reassurance in any way. And now I'm supposed to drop everything and support her?

I really don't want to snap and turn into some burned out cynical monster. In the meantime, fighting symptoms is really exhausting. Much of the time I just turn everything off and lie down. We have to protect ourselves.

We just want to feel safe.

Sunday, November 22, 2015

A Draining Fight

Sorry for not posting the past few days. I've been really exhausted battling symptoms. Dissociating is still one of the hardest ones to deal with. It's like an endless cycle. The pressure builds, and you try to not fall into it. Then, you have a second of relief. After that, it starts again. Add to that everything else.

Can I go out? Yes. But every time I do, I have to have an escape plan , in case the worst happens. How do I safely get out of this place without attacking or killing someone? In really crowded places, it feels at times like everything is magnified to the millionth degree. Sights, sounds, colors, scary faces that trigger other flashbacks to horrible people. Everything is connected.

I don't want to hurt anybody. I don't want to torture, rape and kill little kids. The thoughts are there. But I'm not a sick sociopath. I won't do that. Pedophilia, necrophilia, bestiality; no thanks. Every day those thoughts come up.

I'm not insane. But they keep happening.

Torture flashbacks still happen. Where's the line between being psychotic and psychosis symptoms? You scream and fight to not fall apart. Is anybody paying attention?

My niece is going into a psych hospital to hopefully get the proper help. When I was in one, nobody supported me in any way. I'm trying hard to not turn into some cynical monster who doesn't care about anything.

Nobody helped me.
Nobody listened.
Nobody gave me any reassuring hug at all.

Now I'm supposed to instantly be available any time for her?

You fight non stop to get anger and more out. Many times you're this close to blacking out. You don't want to fall apart because, nobody will help you.

We're not bad in anyway. It's not our fault. Yet, nobody wants to admit that we exist.

What else can we do?

Thursday, November 19, 2015

Protect Yourself

You can't stop all triggering stuff. But you can do your best to try and protect yourself. The  triggering level is really high right now. Which means you have to protect yourself.

All symptoms are still there. Dissociating is still scary to try and face. I don't want to literally disappear and have no idea of where I am. Days with severe anger still happen. You try to not snap and black out. But you have to face it as best you can.

I'm not a threat to anyone. I just want to feel safe.

Wednesday, November 18, 2015

Don't Black Out

Went to the cardiologist yesterday. The good news is I don't have to add any more meds to what I'm taking (when necessary, 10). But I still have to fight symptoms all the time to not black out. The severity of your symptoms is equal to the pain of your trauma history.

At times you want to scream and fight to not snap in two. I don't want to dissociate and disappear. It's like non stop pain (despite trying to ground yourself). Then again, it has to come out.

You have to protect yourself.

Monday, November 16, 2015

Symptoms and Appointments

Tomorrow it's back to the cardiologist. I have lots of questions that are related to both my trauma history and heart disease. In the meantime, more exhaustion in trying not to dissociate and blackout.

It's scary at times to face how horrible severe my symptoms have been. Also, how I've had to do almost everything myself to fight back and not just die from terror.

I don't want to fall apart.

Saturday, November 14, 2015

Don't Snap in Two

My niece is starting to show more responses. As for me, I'm fighting really hard to not literally black out and snap. Fighting to not dissociate, and you can literally move.

I just want to rest.

Wednesday, November 11, 2015

Don't Dissociate

No change in my niece's condition. I just try to focus on that she'll be all right. Besides, I have my own health problems to deal with.

No matter what, don't dissociate. The reality of how severe my symptoms have been and continue to be still happens. Where's the line between being psychotic and psychosis? I just don't want to fall apart.

Three more appointments tomorrow.

Tuesday, November 10, 2015

Breaks, Suicide and More (Contains potentially triggering content. Read at your own risk)

Yes, it's been a long break. What kept us offline? The govt. cracking down on our content? No. Instead, upgrading from windows 8.1 to 10. Then, horrible stuff.

One of my nieces tried to kill herself. She's been in the hospital for almost a week now, and what's her condition? At first, she was barely conscious. Then, she was brain dead for a short time. Now, she's still in a coma, but there is some brain activity. Not to the point yet of her being conscious.

What caused this? I don't know. I really don't like to psychoanalyze people from a distance. But while I'm happy that she's improving, there's also lots of anger as well.

Once I admitted myself into a psych ward. I thought I was suicidal. Instead, I was just depressed. It took me three days to literally fight my way out of there. At no time did anyone in my immediate family (whatever that means) show any support in any way.

I really don't want to fall into a trap of being angry, burned out and saying fuck this. She's in the hospital and gets all kinds of support. I was in a hospital, and NOBODY supported me. So why should I give a fuck about her?

I really try to stick to health being physical and emotional. I still struggle with anger that will make me almost snap in two. If it doesn't come out in one way, it will come out in others.

Unless your someone's parent, teacher or boss, you can't make them do anything. I can't make people want to listen to my trauma history. i can't make them instantly show some sort of empathy. Despite that, I'm still a trauma survivor that struggles to be heard. And not eaten alive by despair and abandonment.

Feel free to post your thoughts.

Tuesday, November 3, 2015

Flashbacks, Exhaustion and More

More rough days of fighting symptoms and trying not to black out. You feel like you're going to snap, but you can't. At the end of the day, you feel like you can't do anything. But what else can you do?

Sunday, November 1, 2015

Struggling to Not Dissociate

I don't want to fall into endless dissociating and not care where I am. It's a constant battle to not fall apart. You don't have a choice. You have to fight back.

Really exhausted.