Tuesday, March 31, 2015

Overstimulation. Then Blackout?

Lots of errands today. Along the way, also trying to not get overstimulated. At times, it's too much stuff to listen to, read, or look at. I just need peace and quiet. If not that, then you dissociate and black out.

You just want to feel safe.

Monday, March 30, 2015

Trying to Stay Grounded

Right now is a real struggle to not dissociate. I spend a lot of time trying to focus on solid things or tactile sensations. Something cold. Walking  on carpet in bare feet. Always live streaming content to have something to focus on. But it's also a real struggle to screen everything.

If I don't have to go somewhere, many times I just stay home and focus on what's around me. I want to feel safe in my own home. I don't want to be bombarded with pain. Because many times you are. You can't just sit bak and do nothing. You have to fight back.

Sometimes I'm so wiped out that I just sit and do nothing. You just want to feel safe, and not always being attacked.

Nightmares still happen. At other times, there's nothing. This is your system taking a break? I'm not sure.

Screen everything. Because weird triggering stuff comes out of nowhere. You have to protect yourself.

Have a good day. Also, more links coming soon.

Sunday, March 29, 2015

Is PTSD a Physical or Mental Illness?

From time to time, I run into a doctor or someone else who asks the question, is PTSD a mental illness? Or, a physical illness? I try to look at it as a holistic health problem. Why?

One reason is the symptoms that many people struggle with:

anal pain
lucid dreams
adrenalin surges

These are both physical and mental. Then again, not all but many doctors tend to have "tunnel vision" when dealing with certain problems. Fit it into a nice neat box. Then a prescription. Move onto the next patient.
I'm not saying all doctors are evil, nasty and only care about money. But I have had a lot of bad experiences when doctors wouldn't listen to my concerns. Especially about medications.

A doctor asks you about your history. You try to explain, and you're telling the truth. Despite that, the doctor puts you into a catagory and gives you meds. Sorry, but I'm not a case file. Why spend your limited time with  a doctor arguing and not going thru all possible treatment solutions? Nobody needs that.

Thanks for the ongoing support.

Saturday, March 28, 2015

Does Long Term Ultra Severe Stress Cause Cancer and Other Health Problems?

Staying in tonight and catching up on lots of writing. A few days ago I talked to a crisis center supervisor about my trauma history. She's based in Hawaii, and I've always thought about possibly moving there. Right now, it's not a good idea because disability doesn't cover all the costs. Then, I talked to a oncological social worker about cancer, stress and how it could make you more susceptible to lots of illnesses.

First, labels. Is PTSD a mental illness? The DMSV (the guidebook for doctors worldwide regarding illnesses) might say so. I say it's a health problem. I have lots of health problems that I'm trying to deal with as best I can:

complex dissociative disorder w/psychosis symptoms
cirrhosis of the liver
and more

Now, what are YOUR problems?

Can ultra severe long term stress cause lots of illnesses? I think it can. In the past, at times the stress from untreated PTSD was so bad I blacked out. My system literally shorted out. Then, you wake up and have no idea where you are.

It took almost 30 years before my first therapist actually listened to me and helped me for a short period of time. Fortunately, I don't have other diseases like MS, cancer, fibromyalgia and others. But the concern is there.

If you don't deal with the underlying pain in a non-threatening way, what good is taking meds to mask it? If you have to take something, that's one thing. But if not, I'd rather use a holistic approach.

Your thoughts on this. Feel free to post.

Thursday, March 26, 2015

Stress Make You More Susceptible

More appointments are on the way. I thought I'd try a new SSRI to see if it would help. Now, I'm not so sure. If I do, it could make my heart symptoms worse. I don't know of any other one to try. I also don't know what other things to add to what I'm doing.

Try to keep a sense of balance as you face your trauma history. Nightmares are a way for your system to process your trauma history. Why then would you take something to stop that?

It's a real struggle to try and keep your p/h balance okay. If it's off, hallucinations happen, and at the worst times. You go into a store, and it feels like everything and everyone is a threat. You have to focus really hard to not dissociate or violently shake and then black out. In those situations, how do you keep your sense of focus?

Sometimes you have visions about different people and moments. It's not a lucid dream. It's more like a TV drama or movie clip. You feel abandoned, and no one will come to save you. You don't want to hurt yourself or anyone else. What do you do?

You feel paralyzed with feeling abandoned.
Nobody is listening.
You have to fight hard to not fall apart and not know where you are.

What do you do?

Wednesday, March 25, 2015

Trying not to Hallucinate

For a long time, denial of being raped was one of many survival mechanisms. Then, you finally try to face your history as best you can. it's not your fault that you got raped and have a long history of abuse. It was so severe that I had (and still have at times) psycotic symptoms. I'm not psycotic. But this can happen in severe abuse cases.

Yes, you can't control what other horrible people do and say. Having said that, you still struggle with symptoms and trying to not snap. I still have problems in crowded places. I still have nightmares. At other times, no dreams at all. Does that mean that your system needs a break from processing your trauma history?

I'm not a danger to anybody. I'm not a psycho pedophile. But I still at times have thoughts about raping little kids. I just want to feel safe.

Tuesday, March 24, 2015

I Don't Want to Feel Drugged Out

Put in some time today researching online about psycosis symptoms connected to extreme trauma. It's still a struggle to deal with trying not to hallucinate. Sometimes it's don't hallucinate or dissociate at the same time.
I'm on one anti depressant. Do I want to go on others? Considering the possible side effects, right now no. It's bizarre to me that some drug company will actually run ads that say death is a possible side effect. That's an acceptable risk?

Since the healthy thing to do is to try and face your trauma history head on, why would you take something that gets in the way of that? Sometimes I just stay home and turn everything off to try and have some relief from pain. I just want to feel safe. Also, as long as I try to keep my p/h levels balanced, it helps to a certain degree to deal with symptoms.

I'm really struggling with how severe my symptoms have been and continue to be.

Sunday, March 22, 2015

Nobody Helped Me

More symptoms, nightmares and still almost no sleep at night. At times I also struggle with this. For a long time, nobody in person helped me. I had (and still struggle at times) with psychosis symptoms that are related to ultra severe trauma.

Nobody listened to me.
Nobody paid attention.
Nobody saved me.
Nobody did anything.

At times you have those really horrible days where you don't want to attack everybody you see. You just want to feel safe. However, it's a real struggle to not feel abandoned. You just sit and rock back and forth. You just hope that it will be okay.

Saturday, March 21, 2015

I'm Not Crazy

Another night of nightmares and no sleep. I got hit by a car. But then, I'm not sure. Am I dead? Or, am I still alive? People still attack me and try to kill me. Everybody's armed, and you have to fight back. You can't just sit back and do nothing.

When was the last time I got some sleep? I can't remember.

Everything has to be screened. On bad days, I can't watch TV. I can't listen to anything online. I just sit and say, I just want peace and quiet. I don't want to be assaulted by pain. As much as possible, don't dissociate. Do something else.

The severity of your symptoms is equal to the severity of your trauma history.

I'm not crazy.
I'm not crazy.
I'm not crazy.

How do you cope with your fear?

Friday, March 20, 2015

Don't Dissociate

When was the last time I got a good nights' sleep? I can't remember. Don't dissociate. Do something else. You can't sit back and do nothing. You feel totally exhausted, but you can't avoid it.

How are you coping with your symptoms?

Thursday, March 19, 2015

Keeping a Sense of Balance

More doctor appointments, and more fighting symptoms. For the past two days, it's been fighting hard to not dissociate. In the past, violent unchecked dissociating was a way to escape. You would disappear and not care about anything. Now, I don't want to fall apart. Do something else.

It's like non stop combat. You can't sit back and do nothing. Do your best to set boundaries and to protect yourself. You have to do something. You have to protect yourself.

At times you see others who struggle as well. Sometimes they're trying to escape an abusive partner. I don't want to turn into some abusive horrible monster because of my trauma history.

Have a good day.

Wednesday, March 18, 2015

Trying to Focus

The struggle with symptoms continues. Nightmares, body pain and dissociating to name a few. You try to focus, and at times you turn everything off. You don't want to be bombarded with pain. You just want peace and quiet.

On bad days with anger, you try not to snap. Don't put yourself unintentionally in a dangerous situation. How do you do that and not black out? You just want to feel safe.

Tuesday, March 17, 2015

No Energy

Today, struggling for energy. For whatever reasons, my chi flow is way down. Nightmares are still happening. You're fighting to survive, and at times you don't know how to feel. Can i trust anyone? In one, my father died, and what then? Do I feel sad for a lifelong ultra abusive person? Again, you don't know what to do.

You struggle with symptoms. But you're not crazy. You just want to feel safe. In the middle of the night, you wake up and check every room to make sure no one else is there. You have to protect yourself.

On bad days when I go out, I carry mace and a knife in my bag. You can't do nothing.

Nobody in person helped me for a long time. Nobody burst in the room when I got raped. Nobody got prosecuted. No cop ever said we need a rape kit for this case. A victim compensation board said because these crimes happened before this commission was established, legally they don't exist.

You can't do nothing.

It feels like the whole world at times says fuck off. Nobody gives a fuck about this guy rape survivor shit.

You just want to feel safe.

Monday, March 16, 2015

More Nightmares

Another doctor's appointment today. She agrees that an ultra acidic diet will make PTSD symptoms worse. Last night, more horrible nightmares. You feel horribly abandoned, and you don't know what to do. Everywhere you turn, nobody will help you. It felt like your entire world fell apart. Once again, practically no sleep at all.

Despite that, you have to set boundaries and protect yourself. Nobody else will do it for you.

You just want to feel safe.

Saturday, March 14, 2015

Peace and Quiet

No noise right now. I don't want to be bombarded with triggering painful stuff. I just want to feel safe in my own home.

How do you feel in yours? Even though there's nobody else here, I still wake up in the middle of the night and search every room, just to be sure. If you go out, you have to have a plan. Just in case something happens. Flashbacks in crowded places still happen. You try and focus on another person talking to you. At the same time, you fight a lucid dream of them trying to going down on you and then kill you.

How do you deal with that?

You just want to feel safe.

Friday, March 13, 2015

Trying to Rest

When was the last time I got a good night's sleep? I don't know. Usually I can only sleep for maybe two hours a night (if at all). This means always feeling run down. You open your eyes, and you're not sure. Am I just waking up? Or, am I dissociating as I try to wake up?

Violent symptoms still happen. But, you do your best to try and have some sense of being grounded.

Protect yourself at all costs.

Thursday, March 12, 2015

Trying to Deal with Pain

The severity of your  symptoms are equal to the severity of your trauma. If it doesn't come out in one way, it will come out in others. I try to keep that in mind, but it's hard.

Despite that, I know I'm doing the right things. Set boundaries and protect yourself at all costs. Because nobody else will do that for you.

How are your symptoms?

Wednesday, March 11, 2015

Processing Trauma

Just when you think you're getting a break, nightmares still happen. You have to fight your way out of a horrible place, and nobody will help you. Then you end up not getting any sleep at all. How are you dealing with your symptoms?

A former therapist told me that as horrible as nightmares can be, that's one way for your system to process the trauma that happened to you. How do you fight to keep some sense of being grounded, and not just falling apart? Sometimes you open your eyes, and you don't know where you are. For me, it usually means turning on the lights and checking all over my apartment to make sure that nobody else is here.

As much as possible, don't dissociate. You have bad days where you're barely holding onto reality. It's like you're being assaulted all over again. How do you fight to hold onto some sense of reality?

You have at times thoughts about death. It's like you're literally at the end of your life, and you can feel what happens as you slowly slip away. You have to fight hard to not feel trapped in that vision. Otherwise you'll just dissolve into a million different pieces.

How do you deal with flashbacks? Do you ever feel like you're losing your sense of reality? Stay safe.

Tuesday, March 10, 2015

Bombarded with Pain

Trying to keep some sense of being grounded. However, it's a real battle to not fall apart. Flashbacks and body pain still happen. Adrenalin surges also happen. You have to struggle to not feel like you have no sense  of balance. You feel like you have severe MS or some other condition. I don't have MS or some neurological condition (as far as I know). But the struggle is still there.

On really bad days, I'm almost stuck. You're afraid to go out of the house because what happens then? Your symptoms are equal to the severity of your trauma.

I'm not crazy.

Monday, March 9, 2015

You Can't Just Sit Back and Do Nothing

Symptoms are a non-stop battle. You can't dissociate. You fight really hard to keep a sense of balance. But it's always there. Heart disease is also there too.

You get bombarded with sick and twisted thoughts. Even though that happens, you hold onto that you're not crazy. You're not psycotic. What feels like psycotic symptoms is part of ultra severe trauma.

You're not crazy. You're not insane. You're trying to deal with severe symptoms as best you can.

Sunday, March 8, 2015

Constantly Fighting Symptoms

Staying home right now as I try not to black out from dissociating. You feel at times like you're going to collapse from exhaustion. You feel abandoned and like no one seems to care. But you have to keep going. You can't just sit back and do nothing.

Hallucinations still happen. You're being attacked by monsters. You're falling apart. Your body doesn't function. Despite all of that, you have to fight back.

Nobody's there to help you. Do you have to do everything all by yourself? Can you trust anyone? Everywhere you turn, it feels like it's non-stop abuse.

What do you do?

Friday, March 6, 2015

You're Not Insane

Another day of non stop fighting symptoms. It feels like you never get a break. On the other hand, the severity of your symptoms are a reflection of the severity of your trauma history. It has to come out. If not in one way, in other painful ways.

You fight to focus and to not fall apart. Adrenalin surges make you feel like you have no sense of balance. It's like your entire body is ready to just collapse. You fight to not dissociate. Body pain and flash cuts to being raped still happen.

Despite all of this, it's not your fault. I'm not insane. I'm not a threat to myself or anyone else.

I'm not crazy
I'm not crazy
I'm not crazy
I'm not crazy
I'm not crazy

I'm not responsible for what other horrible people say and do.

It's not my fault.

I did nothing wrong.

You have to fight back.

Nobody else will look out for you.

We just want to feel safe.

Wednesday, March 4, 2015

Don't Get Trapped in Dissociating

Some days, we feel like our energy level is relatively okay. On others, we can't do anything. We sit at a table and want peace and quiet. No being bombarded with pain. You just want  a sense of balance and you feel like you have to do the right thing.

You struggle with pain, feeling abandoned and to not dissociate. You just want to feel safe.. But you can't sit back and do nothing.

You have to protect yourself.

Sunday, March 1, 2015

As Much as Possible, Don't Dissociate

No luck yet in finding a doctor to talk about burnout. Instead, you have days where there's almost no noise. You don't want to be bombarded with endless pain. Besides, a lot of content is rolling news. Which means why bother reruning everything.

Nightmares still happen. You have to fight your way out of a horrible situation, and nobody will help you. There's anger, frustration come nobody feeling abandoned. How come nobody helped us? Thoughts of death come to mind at times. But it's not like we'll just off ourselves. Kind of a final fuck you to everyone who treated us like shit.

All content has to be screened. Many days we have the TV on with the sound turned down. Then, live stream something thru the I-phone. That way, you have something to fill the silence. Otherwise at times, your system starts bombarding you with flashbacks to have something to focus on.

You have no control over what other horrible people say and do. But you can set boundaries where needed.  Because nobody else will protect you.

As horrible as it gets at times, we try to face our trauma history in the safest way we can. What else can you do?