Wednesday, October 31, 2012

It's Your Security at Risk (Contains potentially triggering content. Read at your own risk)

One rule that we have here? Never intentionally trigger anyone. However, for our new readers, the whole point here is to talk about how rough daily survival for trauma survivors can be. If you want nice and neat govt. studies, please go elsewhere.

Having said that, a question. How do you make yourself heard when it seems like the rest of the world just wants you to go away? You didn't ask to be raped. Despite that, you're the other persons' worst nightmare. Just shut up and go away. How many times has it seemed like someone was trying to be nice, but really wanted you to just disappear?

How do you react? If they say you need to get help but then piss off, what then?

You can't have it both ways.

We could list all kinds of examples. Sandusky and Penn State. Savile and the BBC. In both cases, apparently money and power were way more important than doing the obvious right thing. My job is more important. If I say anything, this powerful person (WHO IS GOD, by the way) can destroy me. At Penn State, many students were actually asking how will this scandal affect my getting a great job and salary?

There's no apparent concern at all. No empathy, no apparent effort to realize that the obvious thing to do in these cases is to tell someone. Just close your eyes and it'll magically go away.

A silly question, but we'll ask it anyway. Are any of these valid legal defenses in these cases if you're tried for endangering innocent kids?:

I didn't know.
I didn't want to know.
I was afraid for my job.
Everybody's doing it. Everybody knew. If you said anything, you were out.
Almost all of the witnesses are women. That alone makes this case suspect. (An actual comment from BBC management).
It was the world's worst kept open secret in London.

In all of this, no effort to try and use this to explain about what the survivors go thru, usually for years afterwards. Why? Because it doesn't fit into a nice neat soundbite. If you can't do that, sorry mate. You're out of luck.

Just in my experience, not all but many people who at first appear to be listening really just want you to go away. That doesn't mean they're sick and evil people. They just don't like having their worst nightmare right in front of them.

The answer? Out of sight and out of mind.

Just like anyone else, trauma survivors deserve to be heard. We're not a commodity to be manipulated for profit. If a celebrity says they're a rape survivor, they get instant coverage. If I go public, I could be sacked for having PTSD (a "pre-existing condition"). Just because of something that's not my fault. Something that I've been fighting every single day to literally survive and not off myself.

3 out of ten people in the States have some form of PTSD. Yet, just like climate change, Obama doesn't believe that these are national emergencies that affect the security of the public. Is everything scheduled until after the election?

You Have to Protect Yourself

Some time to focus before it's back to covering bases.

At times, you almost feel like you're going to black out as you try to focus. You don't know where you are, and grounding doesn't work. You scream and fight the urge to either throw stuff thru the window, or jump out of the window. You can't stit back and do nothing. Keep in mind it's fight all of this stuff, and do everything else you have to.

Do you still have trapped body memory? Does every other person feel like a threat? We go someplace, and at the intersection it feels like downtown Kabul. Can you trust anyone? Is everyone you see around you a homicidal rapist who's going to attack and then kill you? You have to protect yourself. In a store, is anyplace or anyone NOT a threat?

When we have to, we turn everything off and just go for a walk. Sit on the balcony and look at the skyline. Screen everything. We still feel like we're about five steps ahead of the rest of the world. Am I the only one who sees this? It's like seeing the next plot twist in a movie ten minutes before it happens. Why did I pay to see this?

Protect yourself at all costs.

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

2 Days in October/5 in November (Contains potentially triggering progressive content. Read at your own risk)

Since this is a global blog, it's kind of silly to say how is your Tuesday. Instead, how's your time zone? No matter what, stay safe.

Here, its more of covering bases and trying to keep stress down. Take things in 5 second splits. How do we go from here to the kitchen? How do we go from the front door to the car without blacking out? Flashbacks and fighting to not black out still happen.

Another thing that happens? Do you feel like the world is listening to you? Right now, lots of people are saying I'm there for you. Vote for me and ______ will happen. Unless of course The Other Side says no. In which case I can then spin this to my advantage and say it's THEIR fault.

Is it all matter of who has the most money and power? Not completely.

Why? Because another part of this is self respect. One of our mantras at the moment is we have value. We matter. We're telling the truth about being raped and trying to heal from something that's not our fault. We're not a commodity to be manipulated by the Powers that Be to make them richer and more powerful than they already are.

I have nightmares and PTSD symptoms. I have bad days where I cry and feel paralyzed. Is anyone listening? Yet, I refuse to give them the satisfaction by just rolling over and doing nothing.

Like the Powers that Be say, nobody's making you read/listen to/watch this. If you don't like it, turn it off. Okay, I will.  Why torture yourself with triggering stuff? If someone else likes it, that's their business. Go somewhere else and see what happens.

Monday, October 29, 2012

Stay Safe

It must be Monday. Stay safe wherever you are in the world.

Here, we took a break for a while to try and focus and deal with symptoms and other stress. Diet's definately a part of it, and we're still trying to stick to our holistic approach. Despite the good stuff, we still have despair and at times just sit and don't know what to do.

Flashbacks and feeling abandoned still happen. Do you feel like you're being bombarded with stress? We sitll scream and fight to not black out. Because we have no choice. What kind of long term effects does that have on you?

Friday, October 26, 2012

How Do You Not Snap (Contains potentially triggering content. Read at your own risk)?

Staying in tonight after a long week. Some tea and keeping the noise down as low as possible. We feel like we've been assaulted with symptoms, and just want some quiet. 30 seconds of no dissociating. Just quiet and focus.

For a long time, it's felt like dissociating was 24/7. The reason was for your system to protect itself. Which means it can't change overnight. We understand that. Then again, it feels like a boom box is on 24/7, and you can't turn it off. You scream and fight to not black out, and nobody listens. Or, apparently cares.

You can't sit back and do nothing. You have to be careful so you don't snap and attack somebody else. This doesn't mean perfect bliss. Just a positive balance.

On really bad days, you feel like you literally can't go back to a positive moment. The second you think you found something good, you instantly get hit by millions of flashbacks. What do you do then?

We still cry when we go to sleep at night (or try to). We still feel safer by keeping a weapon at the foot of our bed. Other times, we keep the mobile there are well. Can you trust everyone? Do you feel like you can't even trust some people that you know? We do.

Does this mean that they raped us, and we just never dealt with it? I don't know.

We cover bases and try to create as many options as possible. Despite that, it takes an enormous amount of energy. At the end of the night, you're totally wiped out.

What do you do then?

We scream and try not to literally snap. Did we permenantly damage something in our system? For a long time we poisoned outselves with tons of junk (food, not heroin). Does that mean that now we're starting to heal because we have no tolerance for that anymore?

Have you ever snapped? Do you carry a weapon to protect yourself? Do you have to fight the urge to kill everyone around you? We do.

Do you feel like you're about two weeks ahead of the rest of the world? Our intution is sharp, and we feel like we're picking up on a lot. It's like you see everything that's happening all at once, and nobody else does. We try to use it in a good way.

Do you feel like you're getting eaten alive by anger? Are you burned out or close to being burned out? If yes, how do you deal with this?

At times, we're scared. Is anybody paying attention?

Thursday, October 25, 2012

A Big Mix (Contains potentially triggering content. Read at your own risk)

The good news? Practically no sugar at all today. We almost gave in at the store and got a giant bag of chips, a giant bottle of tea and salsa. Then we caught ourselves and thought, do we want to risk blacking out from horrible tremors? No. Which means just some tea as we write this.

Is it just sugar, or all chemicals? We've heard of some people who are allergic to a huge list of chemicals and food additives. I don't think it's that in this case. However, it feels like we have no tolerance at all. At times we're scared. Did we have too much of something that's going to mess up our sugar balance? Lots of reputable sources say that alcoholics who have PTSD are also hypoglycemic (which apply in our case).

Flashbacks and anger are still happening. Not always, but at times we're scared. Are we going to snap and attack somebody? It's like you're this close to snapping, and all of the grounding techniques that you always hear about don't help.

What do you do then?

We're also struggling with abandonment. We try to focus and move forward as positively as possible. Despite that, you still feel abandoned. Every day has felt like torture for a long time.

Does anybody care?
Does anybody care if I'm alive?
Why do they insult me by saying that not acting when a little kid is raped isn't abandonment when they know it is?
Is it because they want me to just shut up and go away?
Is it because I'm their worst nightmare?
Is it because out-of-sight-and-out-of-mind is so much easier to deal with?

You can't have it both ways. You care and piss off? No, it doesn't work like that.

We don't want to hurt either ourselves or anyone else. On really bad days, we have to plan everything out. What's our escape plan? What happens so we don't snap?

The tiniest amount of stimulants is a violent trigger. We don't want to feel cheated. We don't want to feel robbed. We don't want to say fuck this and kill ourselves. We wouldn't do that.

We just want to not always feel like we're being assaulted.

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

How Much is Too Much?

Day 4 now in our stay away from stimulants diet. The emptiness is still there. At times you just shut everything off and go for a walk. Or, just sit and listen to ambient noise.

We still set boundaries. We're still trusting our intution and staying away from triggering stuff. Having said that, the despair is still there. Not to the point of wanting to hurt yourself or someone else. It's there.

We feel like we have to always be careful in our diet. The tiniest amount of sugar sets off violent symptoms. How much is too much? What's the cutoff point? Can you cut out all sugar in your diet?  So far, we're almost down to nothing.

We just want to feel like we have control over our life.

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

What Do We Do?

More job interviews today and hopefully later this week. Also, we feel like we've hit a wall. A wall in the sense that we have no tolerance for stimulants at all. The slightest amount is a violent trigger. Add to that having to screen everything you look at, listen to or watch.

You feel empty. You have things to do and places to go and you do them. Yet, it still takes an enomous amount of energy to do the smallest things.

We're really trying to cover as many bases as possible to have as many options as possible. But the feeling of emptiness is still there.

Sunday, October 21, 2012

"Debates" and other stuff

A cloudy but still nice weekend. Time to sit, enjoy my tea and catch up. It's also time to break our "no progressive political content on this blog" rule. The only reason is to help make some necessary points.

Monday (or roughly 30 hours from now in this 24/7 news cycle world), Obama and Romney will "debate" one final time. The subject will be foreign policy. Also, there will be no controversy. No dissent (asking questions not written ahead of time, turning your back on the candidates in protest, unfurling banners smuggled into the studio) will be tolerated. If you do that, your mike will be killed and you'll be arrested for "disorderly conduct" (which is now a felony when you protest in the presence of politicians).

This is "a free and open exchange of ideas"?

Despite this, nothing will get done before the election. Millions will continue to have selective amnesia about their candidate. What about third party candidates (now at least 50)? The Green Party can legally run nationally. Yet, they have "no chance". Therefore, they don't exist. They exist in the rest of the world and are doing quite well.

Again, they don't exist. The war in Afghanistan doesn't exist. Innocent people being killed don't exist. Out of sight and out of mind. All that matters is maintaining your power and money.

What else doens't exist to the Powers that Be? Trauma survivors.

Why is it that the only way to get attention to an important cause is to have a celebrity attached to it? If you don't, does that mean that all of the people struggling with this issue don't exist? Nobody knows and nobody cares?

Where I live, there's no guy rape survivor support group. Here, it's the most horrible thing to publically admit that you're a guy rape survivor. Which isn't your fault. Here in the States, it's a national law that if any rape crisis center wants any federal funding, you CANNOT mention ANYTHING at all about guy rape survivors on your website or in any of your content.

Which leads to the next question. What's your mantra right now that helps you in your healing? One for me is that I matter. My life has value. The Powers that Be think I'm their worst nightmare, and don't want anything to do with me. Because of something that's not my fault.

Would anyone be allowed to ask about guy rape survivors in Monday's debate? If I tried that, I could get arrested. For what? For daring to embarass the President on global TV about something that's not my fault?

Not all but many for many reasons have selective amnesia. They only want to face what doesn't directly affect them. 3 out of 10 people have some form of PTSD. How does that NOT affect every person?

Whether you'r a guy or a woman, do you feel like the world's listening to you? Does anyone care if you're here? Does anyone care if if you weren't? If someone says I care about you then piss off and get help, how are you supposed to react to that?

Fact: in many cases, the worst place unfortunately to try and get support is from your own family.

Despite all of this just-shut-up-and-go-away attitude from many others, you do matter. Your life does have value. The politicians only care about money, power and maintaining that at all costs. Everything comes down to a soundbite. How do I spin this to make me look good? What will you do in return for me?

If there was a National Guy Rape Survivor Support Network, would anyone give them the time of day? Right now, no. Because it's against the law if you want any funds.

You're told to go away and get help. Yet, almost nobody wants anything to do with you. Now, what do you do?

Friday, October 19, 2012

What's Your Plan Today?

Yes, it really is Friday. There's nothing to see on TV. Nothing will really happen politically until after the Nov. 6th election (maybe the same is true worldwide?). Which means depending on your point of view, this could be a tremendous timesaver.

It could also mean it becomes easier to protect yourself from triggering stuff. This week we've been bombarded with triggering stuff, flashbacks and painful body memory. It's like horrible flashbacks where you literally scream and fight to snap out of it. You don't know where you are, what's real or what else to do. You feel at times you're this close to snapping and killing everyone who gets in your way.

Another way to look at it? Part of it is detoxifying from triggering stuff. It seems we're allergic to a lot of foods that we took for granted. The tiniest amount makes symptoms worse. It throws your body chemistry off and you don't know what to do.

Do you feel at times like you're going to blackout because body memory is too much to handle? What happens if the usual grounding techniques don't work? What do you do then?

We don't want to feel robbed or cheated. We just want some sense of balance.

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Your Mix for the Day (Contains Potentially Triggering Content. Read at your own risk)

Today, a lot of places to go and things to do. Also, tonight the second Presidential "debate". Actually, it's not a debate. Did you know that both Obama and Romney signed a 21-page contract that specifically forbids anyone asking any remotely embarassing or controversial question? Which means it's a commercial.

Nothing controversial. Nothing embarassing. That's just not tolerated.

Do you feel like you're being heard when you try to talk about being a trauma survivor? Regardless of what the cause was, does anyone pay attention to you? Or, do you feel like you have to fight to literally feel like one person is paying attention?

Where I live, there are lots of guy rape survivors. Yet, there is no support group for them. Why? Because for some reason here it's the worst thing in the world to admit that's what you are. It's not your fault. Also, you don't have to do anything. On the other hand, what does that say when you're in a major city and theres literally no place to turn to?

Does this mean these people are bad in some way? No. It's just sad in my opinion that no one feels secure enough to be able to speak out without being ridiculed. Because let's face it. In today's 24/7 global celebrity megahype news cycle, trauma isn't trending as high as what Obama had for lunch. Sorry, if it's not happening, we don't care.

When we got shut out by literally every place we turned to to be heard, we said ok, enough. We'll start our own network. Do any of the Powers that Be read this blog? We do have readers in places like LA, New York, Washington, D.C. London, Toronto, Moscow, Tel Aviv. You know who you are.

Do you think that I'm a threat for posting here? Does Obama think I'm a "terrorist" for opposing the Afghan war? Many just want rape survivors (men or women) to just get over it. Then shut up and go away.

Unfortunately, they won't. Why? Because all human beings who are trauma survivors deserve to be heard. Whether you're a psycho pedophile or a CIA covert operative, torture is torture. It never works.

If you really want to help trauma survivors, do you want them to feel like they're out of sight and out of mind? How would you feel if it seemed literally like there was no one to turn to? Do you have to use buzz words to get someone's attention?

If you want to watch the "debate", that's your choice. Just bear in mind that nothing controversial will be permitted. Nothing remotely embarassing or anything that will actually require someone to tell the truth. Because first, it's legally prohibited. Second, it's an "event". It's an ad campaign where the Brands will be hyped as much as possible. Besides, for the money that we're spending on this campaign, we want our money's worth.

Monday, October 15, 2012

It's All Connected

More nightmares last night. You scream and sit up. Where are you? Are you really hearing noise from the neighbors upstairs? Or, is it just the dream?

Other than that, we're just trying to take things in tiny splits. Despair is still there. We're also trying to get over an ear infection. It feels like we're allergic to some of our favorite foods. Stay off of these, and the swelling goes down. How will we live without these?

All of this says that your body/mind connection is real. Chi, or body energy is also real. We try to focus this thru meditation and tai chi. Other ways are to use your acupuncture points throughout your body to focus better.

Do you feel like you're going to snap? Do you scream and fight to not black out? We still have to deal with that.

Thursday, October 11, 2012

Debate Night Symptoms

Time to break our no progressive political content rule for a second. Whatever you decide to do before the election, just base it on actual facts. NOT what somebody else tells you is a "fact".

More job leads to cover. Missed out on one. Now, at least three others. Possibly more. Still no sign of the personal assisant, though.

Symptoms and anger are still there. We have to fight off lucid dreams as well. If we don't, we'll fall apart. At the end of the day we're totally wiped out. What else can we do?

At times, for some reason we also have thoughts about seeing our life from the outside. It's not a death wish at all. It's more like getting hit with flashbacks to where it felt like our life was threatened, and nobody cared. Does it matter to you if I'm alive? Would you care if I wasn't here? We have to fight really heard to keep our sense of balance.

How do you cope with that anger and sadness all at once?

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Lots to Do

Today, it's a mix. One minute, you're sad and trying to keep some sense of focus. Then, you're screaming and fighting to not black out. You literally feel like you're going to snap in two. Yet, what happens if you do black out?

Now, we can go back to job hunting. It still feels like it takes enormous amounts of energy to be able to cover all the bases. All of the mental health sources that we trust say the same thing. You're not going to have a psycotic break. This is backed up trauma that needs to come out. Having said that, how do you try to not attack somebody when you can barely focus?

Our mantra at the moment: we matter. We have value. It's not your fault. We're not responsible for what others do and say. However, we do protect ourselves.

Back to covering more bases.

Saturday, October 6, 2012

Cars, Funerals and More (Contains potentially triggering stuff. Read at your own risk)

Just in case you thought I disappeared. Not the case at all. Instead, it's been a INCREDIBLY STRESSFUL week. Bear with me as I try to get thru a lot of extremely triggering stuff.

My car was totalled due to two wrecks (not my fault).
My car coverage firm believes in never knowing or talking to anyone else in another office.
They wouldn't give me an extension on a car rental to have more time to find the next car.
There was a funeral. I almost didn't go, because the person who died had a pedophile husband (who's now dead, and was one of the psycho rapists who repeatedly raped us). At the last minute, I decided to do, and it was one of the most horrible experiences ever.

You're sitting there and being bombarded by millions of triggering things. People are standing up and walking around saying oh how wonderful these people were. Not one of them told the truth about the husband. Not one said anything about the hell that we went thru. The terror of being raped and NOBODY did anything about it.

Nobody did anything.
Nobody said anything.
Nobody reassured us in any way.
No one had the human decency to say this is incredibly stressful for you. I'm so sorry you were raped.

Nobody did anything.

You want to scream. You want to go on a rampage. You want revenge. But none of those things will happen. You fight sick horrible lucid dreams and trying to not black out as you scream.

Nobody is going to listen, care or help you in any way.

Does anyone care if I'm alive?

You don't want to get eaten alive by anger. Yet, nobody cares.

Now, we try to keep this in mind. First, we matter. You set boundaries and protect yourself as best you can. If others are incredibly cold and couldn't care less about not helping you, they have to live with that. Not me.

Finally found a car today. It's "certified pre-owned". For our intl. readers, that's a polite way of saying "a used car that's been repaired to be close to new". Some problems to deal with which we'll do on Monday.

In the meantime, how do you cope with anger and frustration?