Thursday, October 25, 2012

A Big Mix (Contains potentially triggering content. Read at your own risk)

The good news? Practically no sugar at all today. We almost gave in at the store and got a giant bag of chips, a giant bottle of tea and salsa. Then we caught ourselves and thought, do we want to risk blacking out from horrible tremors? No. Which means just some tea as we write this.

Is it just sugar, or all chemicals? We've heard of some people who are allergic to a huge list of chemicals and food additives. I don't think it's that in this case. However, it feels like we have no tolerance at all. At times we're scared. Did we have too much of something that's going to mess up our sugar balance? Lots of reputable sources say that alcoholics who have PTSD are also hypoglycemic (which apply in our case).

Flashbacks and anger are still happening. Not always, but at times we're scared. Are we going to snap and attack somebody? It's like you're this close to snapping, and all of the grounding techniques that you always hear about don't help.

What do you do then?

We're also struggling with abandonment. We try to focus and move forward as positively as possible. Despite that, you still feel abandoned. Every day has felt like torture for a long time.

Does anybody care?
Does anybody care if I'm alive?
Why do they insult me by saying that not acting when a little kid is raped isn't abandonment when they know it is?
Is it because they want me to just shut up and go away?
Is it because I'm their worst nightmare?
Is it because out-of-sight-and-out-of-mind is so much easier to deal with?

You can't have it both ways. You care and piss off? No, it doesn't work like that.

We don't want to hurt either ourselves or anyone else. On really bad days, we have to plan everything out. What's our escape plan? What happens so we don't snap?

The tiniest amount of stimulants is a violent trigger. We don't want to feel cheated. We don't want to feel robbed. We don't want to say fuck this and kill ourselves. We wouldn't do that.

We just want to not always feel like we're being assaulted.

No comments: