Friday, July 24, 2009


NOTE: This blog is one person's day-to-day fight against PTSD from being raped. Sometimes "triggers" (sight, sounds and other things) are mentioned to illustrate a point. But to never intentionally hurt anybody.

If this bothers you, stop reading now. Otherwise, keep going. And thanks for the support.

How's you week. Here, we're hyperaware of everything. Triggers are everywhere. We can't watch TV. We can't read books. We can barely look online at something. Sights, sounds, places, colors. Everything is a threat. When we go out we have to check it out. Is this safe or not?

Symptoms still hit hard. Dissociating and occasionally adrenalin surges. Anger is still vicious. You don't want to sink down to the level of the assholes who treated you like shit. But at times flashbacks and lucid dreams happen. The anger comes out and it's like I'm gonna fucking beat your ass into the ground. Then I'm gonna cut your throat and stab you 100 times. And nobody's gonna hear you or help you. And then you go find another asshole that treated you like shit.

You try and get the anger out in a safe way. Then, you feel totally wiped out. One minute we feel halfway ok. Then suddenly the whole world is beating down on you. You have to fight your way out. And NOBODY is going to help you.

We tried a few times to reach out to some people. But nobody's interested. So finally we said, right. No more of that. You try not to dwell on feeling like the whole world couldn't care less. But at times it's weird that some people say they're concerned. But only about women survivors when they KNOW that there are guy survivors as well.

Why do they do that? If they're in the media, part of it is pressure from management. If it's a ratings period, go for the sensational. Example: little kids who were "molested" by priests. How many times have we seen that in prime time? But, NOBODY ever says this little kid was repeatedly raped. Rape is non-consensual sex, right? Therefore, why the reluctance to say that? Isn't that insulting in a way?

Also insulting is the discrimination against guy survivors. There are some guy vet survivors who have nowhere to go. There's strong pressure from within the military to keep quiet. Yet, if a woman is raped at least someone will try to listen. Then some ex-vets who are in the media talk about women survivors. And NOT ONCE does ANYBODY talk about the guys. If you care so bloody much about the troops then WHY are you deliberately insulting people who are willing to put their butt on the line to protect you?

If you're a celebrity, in society it's ok to talk about this. Everybody will listen to you. Is it because of the message or the "star"? If you're not, who's going to listen? Lately I'm finding that there's more openess about this abroad then here. What are all the reasons? I'm not sure.

How do you deal with this? Especially now with health care, isn't this the perfect time to talk about PTSD as one example of how the Public Option could help? But, nobody in Congress cares.

Monday, July 20, 2009

Time to Talk

Long time no conversation. How's your week? Lately it's been really rough with symptoms every single day.

Lots of horrible flashbacks, lucid dreams. And agner that makes you feel like you're going to snap in two. You don't want to sink down to the level of these assholes that treated you like s**t. You don't want to drink again, hurt yourself or others. But when money's tight and you can't regularly go to therapy, what do you do? In my case it's use other help lines and sites to try and cope better.

Superficiality is still a big problem. Not the usual stuff that we all have to put up with. But when you're a survivor and you're THIS CLOSE to wanting to kill somebody, how do you smile and say, oh yeah, it's ok? No its not. But society says you don't exist. Nobody will tolerate you talking about being a guy survivor. Yet you're supposed to get help and get it out. So where do you go?

Hyperawareness is still a huge problem. Going to a large store is like going to downtown Baghdad. Is it safe? What do we do if we blackout or dissociate? What happens if flashbacks hit? You get there and everybody's dangerous. Everyone is going to kill you. So you strike first. If there's nowhere to hide, what do you do? Do you just sit down in the middle of the aisle and start to cry? Do you beat the s**t out of everybody in sight?

You get in your car and scream to try and focus and not dissociate. The usual grounding techniques don't help. What do you do then? Lucid dreams happen and NOBODY cares or will help you. We won't get raped again. So you fight and scream to not die. Then when you feel like you're going to snap in two you suddenly get some balance back. But then when you get back home dissociating hits again. So you go out again. Then when you try to go to sleep you still can't. You're afraid to go to sleep. If you do, will you wake up? Will one of your multiples take over and then what happens?

Last night we got no sleep. We had no choice but to fight back. You push as hard as you can to foucs. And then what happens? Nobody will help you.

How do you cope with all of this? Do you fight this all the time? How do you not snap? You have to fight back. Otherwise you'll disappear. How do you do this AND everything else?

Feel free to post your thoughts. I'm working on a collection of helpful PTSD stuff that I'd like to publish somewhere. I have no ghostwriter or personal assistant. So bear with me :).

Friday, July 3, 2009

Some 4th Thoughts

Happy early 4th of July. If you're not American, watch out for nutty Americans. They're everywhere :).

How are you coping with symptoms these days? Lately everything has been really vivid and severe. My therapist says that this is scary but good (it's all the trauma flooding out). Still, try driving and not blacking out because the anger is so bad? Or flashbacks happen and none of the usual grounding techniques work. What do you do then?

Another thing is sights, sounds and more. Every day it feels like you're getting assaulted. Is this a pissed off multiple, or something else? I don't know. But what else can you do but fight back so you don't morph or black out? In the past my multiples would come out and then I didn't know where I was. Does this happen to you?

What about triggers? How are you coping with these? These days it feels like everything is a trigger. Which means much of the time it's some tunes or something else. Do you feel trapped in a crowded place? You want to scream and have nowhere to go. What do you do then?

At night, my multiples and little kid are still terrified because of the fear. What if nobody ever touches us? Does this mean we're bad? No. Does this mean that nobody likes us? I don't think so. Then how come nobody will acknowledge that we're here? How many times can you say, I don't know?

Why is it that others won't admit that you're there?:

They feel trapped. And literally will do anything they have to to escape the situation.
It's just too weird to deal with guy survivors.
If they touch you they'll get raped too.
You're their worst nightmare.
It's your fault (and the other stupid survivor cliches we've all heard).

How come nobody can take ten seconds to say I'm sorry you were raped? If a woman survivor speaks out, everybody says that. If a vet talks about their service, all politicians (if they mean it or not) automatically say, thank you for your service. Even if it's fake, they still say something.

So how come people can't do that for guy survivors? In this area, literally NO OTHER guy survivors will risk talking. Even in a support group, they won't do it. Which means you have to go elsewhere to get help. Does this happen in your area?

How do you handle lucid dreams? We still have to fight back and kill them to make sure it's safe. In a store, it feels like the other people are all dangerous They're all psycho rapists that will kill us. What do we do?

Have you ever snapped or blacked out in a crowded place? How do you cope with that? At times we're this close to just beating the s**t out of everybody there.

But despite all of this, what happens? Nobody will ever say you're there. Nobody can be bothered (aside from your therapist?). How do you cope with it then?