Tuesday, April 29, 2014

Appointments and Then Some

Had a new cardiologist  appointment earlier today. Basically, he thinks my holistic approach is the right thing to do. This also means stress tests coming up soon, and more appointments. Despite that, it feels good to get support that I'm taking the right approach.

The tough part is the varying chi flow. One day, you feel reasonably okay. The next, you can barely get out of bed. It also feels like I have a sharper sense of how things affect you. Not a surprise when you take stuff like alcoholism and junk food away.

My physical tolerance for lots of formerly favorite stuff just isn't there anymore. However, I'll take that as a good sign.

That's enough for today. Stay well in your part of the world.

Saturday, April 26, 2014

A Rough Day

Finally got back home after a rough day. Did my stretching, meditation and tai chi for the night. Now, some nice juice and time to write.

Twice in the past two weeks, I'd eat something, stretch out to rest, and then try to get up. Both times for about 2 seconds I couldn't move. I wasn't resting on one side oor the other. I was lying flat on my back. My eyes were open, and I knew where I was. Yet, for two seconds I couldn't move. Then I could, and had trouble sitting up and walking for about half an hour. Then I'm fine.

What's causing this? I think it's fight-or-flight response. Because of the severity of my syptoms, you still have terrifying moments where you literally can't move. That's what my first therapist said.

Just to be sure (or so I thought), I called a local nurse helpline. Unfortunately the nurse wasn't much help. She seemed to always to stick to a scri[t, and got really pissed off when you asked her deviating questions. She said, go to an ER.

I went, waited four hours, and still got no help. Finally I said enough and went home. Got some dinner on the way back, and now I'm just kicking back before bed.

How do you deal with doctors and others who say we need to know your complete history, and then when you tell them they don't want to hear it? My GP thinks I'm on the right path. As for others, most act like I'm speaking Cantonese. They have no clue (and maybe don't care?) about what I'm saying.

I think this is all interconnected. Until somebody tells me I'm wrong (and so far no one has), I'll keep going with my holistic approach.

We're dealing with a really long ultra severe trauma history that we never got the proper help for. And now we're doing our best to find it.

Wednesday, April 23, 2014

Trying to Cope(Contains potentially triggering content. Read at your own risk)

You try to keep a sense of clarity. But it's still a constant battle to not dissociate. You can't just sit back and do nothing. If you do, you'll fall apart.

At times, I feel like I'm going to snap. I've never done jail time for assaulting somebody. However, it feels at times like backed up anger is lashing out. Another appointment with the therapist today. We'll see what she has to say.

Tuesday, April 22, 2014

Lots of Appointments

Six appointments in the next two weeks. Started with a cardiologist and a checkup four moths after getting out of the hospital. After that, just stayed home and tried to rest. I'm averaging about 2 hours of sleep a night. It's not because of eating too late or too much caffeine. It just feels like all of my symptoms are coming out (if that makes sense). I didn't want to deal with my full trauma history. Now, I am, without endangering myself or anyone else.

You try to ground yourself as best you can. Despite that, many times that doesn't help. At times, you feel like you're going to snap in two. It's like you're almost bouncing off the walls trying not to black out.

How do you cope with this? I don't want to go back to violent dissociating as a way to survive. At the same time, it's scary when you think about the long term effects of untreated trauma. Aside from one therapist, two short term counselors and my current therapist, NOBODY else helped me.

How does that effect you long term?

Saturday, April 19, 2014

Coping with Feeling Safe

Do you feel safe these days? You can't stop all triggering stuff. But you can try to screen it to keep a sense of balance and safety.

Next week are lots of new appointments. In the process, I'll have second cardiac and psychiatric opinions. I still have nightmares and all the other PTSD symptoms. I also feel like I still haven't dealt with the full reality of my trauma history.

Do you feel like you're the same? How's your coping going?

Monday, April 14, 2014


Trying to stay grounded as lots of symptoms happen. I feel like it's trauma connected to everything. If my system's out of balance, I feel like I'm going to fall apart.

I just want some sense of grounding.

Saturday, April 12, 2014

Trying to Cope

Catching up some writing in the midst of peace and quiet. You feel at times like you know everything that everyone's going to say, and what all of the responses will be. Why bother then to turn anything on?

More doctor appointments are coming soon. One's with a psychiatrist and another is a cardiac checkup. One frustrating thing about heart problems is that you don't know what any guidelines are. Can I have this in my diet? Is this working out too much? Am I damaging  my system in some way? Due to circumstances beyond my control, it will be four months since I got out of the hospital, and NO cardiac followup. If I have questions now, a 24-hour nurses line says if it's an emergency, go to an ER. Otherwise, just pace yourself until your appointment.

It's not a matter of perfection. It's a matter of trying to have a sense of balance.

I got raped by three pedophiles between the ages of eight and ten. It took me years to find the first therapist who would actually listen to me. Before that, nobody could be bothered to pay attenton or to listen or to care. All survivors know the usual garbage lines:

It's your fault You fix it.

I can understand a woman getting raped. But how could you be so stupid? You let it happen what, three fucking times! How could anybody be that dumb?

Now, how are you supposed to respond to that?

Many times, if I tried (or now if I try) to talk about being a survivor, people act like I don't exist. I'm their worst nightmare, and if I just shut up I'll magically go away.The attitude you get many times is that you're inconveniencing THEM by being there.You're ruining THEIR day.

What you think and what you feel? Nobody cares about that.

Now, because of PTSD and heart symptoms, at times I have no energy. I can walk and get around, but feel like I'm about 110. Instead of running a normal three to five iles a day, now I can barely do half. I then try to ride a bike at an easy pace, but still worry about am I doing too much? I try at times to control my pulse rate, but many times that doesn't work. You feel like you have no control over your body.

What do you do then?

In the past ten years, I've almost died five times. I've never had one day free of PTSD symptoms. Now, to stand a chance of qualifying for additional benefits, I have to live on almost no money and borrow money from others to literally pay all of my bills. That way, I have no "official income" (according to Social Security).

You have to literally have almost nothing to then be able to continue having literally almost nothing.

There's the benefits side of dealing with trauma, and then the emotional. My first therapist actually said I'm surprised you didn't kill yourself years ago from your horrible history of abuse.

How do I respond to that?

I understand that benefits are there for a reason. You use them if you need them. But also, like any normal person, you don't want to be literally dependent on someone else for everything. Every single thing has to "justified" by someone else.

I just want to have some sense of balance, and hope.

Wednesday, April 9, 2014

Really Run Down

Really drained today in fighting symptoms and trying not to stress out my system. It feels like I have four or five diseases all at the same time. Despite that, I'm trying to not dissociate. Go the other way and see what happens.

Sunday, April 6, 2014

Trying to Keep Your Balance

One minute, it feels like there's a sense of balance. Then, you have no energy and fight hard to not black out. That's the pattern for the past few days. You know you're not crazy or paranoid. You're not going to snap, buy a gun and kill everyone who gets in your way. You don't want to hurt yourself or anyone else. You also don't want to rape a terrified innocent little kid because you got raped by three psycho pedophiles.I have no desire to have a connection with a pedophile. However, I've been told by some of my mental health sources that in ultra severe trauma cases, the survivor has some "identification" with the pedophile.

One minute, there's a sense of focus. You feel like you can actually focus for thirty seconds without dissociating. Then, that takes you back to when dissociating was violent and non-stop. From the time you wake up to when you go to sleep, you're bombarded with abuse and noise. Nobody can be bothered to listen or apparently care. Everywhere you turn, it's abuse.

Will anybody listen? What if nobody wants to listen? What do you do then? It's like someone telling a little kid to leave and never come back. The door shuts behind you, and all you have is yourself.

How is a little kid supposed to react to that?

By the end of the month, I'll have two exams with doctors retained by Social Security. As I go along and deal with different appointments, I make it a point to explain about my trauma history, because people need to know about it.

One minute, there's some sense of balance. Then, sadness and abandonment. You don't have a death wish. Yet the thought comes to mind. What if I wasn't here? Would ANYBODY care? Or are people so incredibly busy that they just can't be bothered. The easier thing to do is to say you don't exist. Problem solved.

I didn't ask to be raped. I didn't ask to be a trauma survivor. Yet I am. I will protect myself.

The law of karma applies to everyone. You're responsible for what you say and do. Nobody forced those horrible people that treated me like shit to do that. They chose to do it, and now you deal with the consequences.

It feels like endless stress. You fight PTSD symptoms, heart disease and all the rest of it. On certain days you can barely get out bed. How do I get out of my car and walk to my front door. I'm not  90 years old and suffering from arthritis, fibromyalgia and MS. Then why do I feel at times like I have all of these?

I just want to rest.

Saturday, April 5, 2014

One Minute Some Stability. Then, Nothing

Everybody that I trust keeps telling me the same thing. Considering your trauma history, what's happening now is normal. One minute you feel like you have some energy and cn get thru your day. The next, you can't do anything. You struggle to fight and to not fall apart. Meanwhile, it feels like the world the screaming at you. Why can't you keep up? Why are you always fucking tired? No apparent comprehension or understanding of what you're fighting.

How do you make these people understand? You can't. On the other hand, you can protect yourself. Considering a lifetime of abuse, nobody deserves to have that continue.

More doctor appointments coming soon. In the meantime, take breaks when you need them. Sorry, but I'm not available right now.

Wednesday, April 2, 2014

Covering Bases

Today's a day off. I was barely able to move yesterday, and my body was screaming stop. Today then just rest and plan ahead for my Friday appointment with the therapist.

Like many other conditions, many ask is PTSD curable? Will you always have it, and you just learn to live with it? I don't know. I just try to bear in mind that none of it is our fault. We did nothing wrong.

You scream and fight all day long to not fall apart. You can't just sit back and nothing, but then you will fall apart. It doesn't matter that the psycho rapist really isn't there, but you still have to fight your way out of a lucid dream. You can't just sit back and do nothing.

You feel empty and can barely move. You don't want to hurt yourself or anyone else. But the emptiness is still there.

What do you do then?

What's one of the hardest parts of dealing with trauma? Facing the full reality of your history in the most non-threatening way you can. I know it's not my fault. My multiples and my little kid also know it's not their fault. Having said that, you still struggle with occasional questions and fears.

How come so many who say they're concerned are so cruel?
Is it really true that it gets much worse before it starts to get better?

I don't know.

Tuesday, April 1, 2014

Not Much Sleep

Friday, i go to a new therapist. Up to this point, I'm telling all doctors and therapists that I deal with about my trauma history, and how it's connected. At night, I'm not getting much sleep. Violent nightmares and body pain are still there.Then again, everyone that I trust are telling me the same thing. None of this is abnormal, considering the severe history that you have.

Regardless of where you are in your overall healing, are you having times when you feel like it's getting worse? Like no matter what you do, you have no control? How are you supposed to deal with that?

I don't want to hurt myself, or anybody else. But that fear is there.

You feel paralyzed at times. How do you deal with abandonment?