Saturday, April 12, 2014

Trying to Cope

Catching up some writing in the midst of peace and quiet. You feel at times like you know everything that everyone's going to say, and what all of the responses will be. Why bother then to turn anything on?

More doctor appointments are coming soon. One's with a psychiatrist and another is a cardiac checkup. One frustrating thing about heart problems is that you don't know what any guidelines are. Can I have this in my diet? Is this working out too much? Am I damaging  my system in some way? Due to circumstances beyond my control, it will be four months since I got out of the hospital, and NO cardiac followup. If I have questions now, a 24-hour nurses line says if it's an emergency, go to an ER. Otherwise, just pace yourself until your appointment.

It's not a matter of perfection. It's a matter of trying to have a sense of balance.

I got raped by three pedophiles between the ages of eight and ten. It took me years to find the first therapist who would actually listen to me. Before that, nobody could be bothered to pay attenton or to listen or to care. All survivors know the usual garbage lines:

It's your fault You fix it.

I can understand a woman getting raped. But how could you be so stupid? You let it happen what, three fucking times! How could anybody be that dumb?

Now, how are you supposed to respond to that?

Many times, if I tried (or now if I try) to talk about being a survivor, people act like I don't exist. I'm their worst nightmare, and if I just shut up I'll magically go away.The attitude you get many times is that you're inconveniencing THEM by being there.You're ruining THEIR day.

What you think and what you feel? Nobody cares about that.

Now, because of PTSD and heart symptoms, at times I have no energy. I can walk and get around, but feel like I'm about 110. Instead of running a normal three to five iles a day, now I can barely do half. I then try to ride a bike at an easy pace, but still worry about am I doing too much? I try at times to control my pulse rate, but many times that doesn't work. You feel like you have no control over your body.

What do you do then?

In the past ten years, I've almost died five times. I've never had one day free of PTSD symptoms. Now, to stand a chance of qualifying for additional benefits, I have to live on almost no money and borrow money from others to literally pay all of my bills. That way, I have no "official income" (according to Social Security).

You have to literally have almost nothing to then be able to continue having literally almost nothing.

There's the benefits side of dealing with trauma, and then the emotional. My first therapist actually said I'm surprised you didn't kill yourself years ago from your horrible history of abuse.

How do I respond to that?

I understand that benefits are there for a reason. You use them if you need them. But also, like any normal person, you don't want to be literally dependent on someone else for everything. Every single thing has to "justified" by someone else.

I just want to have some sense of balance, and hope.

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