Wednesday, May 31, 2017

Trying to Focus

Pain, symptoms and fighting to not dissociate and black out. Constant exhaustion. But you have to fight back.

I'm not crazy. I'm not a danger to anybody. You have to fight back. Pain never goes away.

Tuesday, May 30, 2017

Trying to Find a Balance

Symptoms are still there. You think you have a moment of clarity, and it's incredibly exhausting to try and hold onto that. You continue to fight being bombarded with pain. Torture flashbacks, nightmare and more.

But what else can you do? You have to fight back.

Monday, May 29, 2017

Bombarded with Flashbacks and Pain

Happy holiday weekend (if you're lucky enough to have one). Symptoms and nightmares still happen. Pain is still there. When I wake up in the morning, you have to focus and deal with dissociating and pain. Many time arthritic.

Then, we're still trying to keep some sense of being grounded. It's like holding onto many things to keep everything in line. It's a constant battle to not dissociate or black out. You also have torture flashbacks and other types of pain.

It's constant exhaustion. You can't just sit back and do nothing, You have to fight back. But flashbacks happen. Constant pain and psychotic episodes. Every day. Nobody helped us.

Every single day.

Don't intentionally put yourself in a position where you'll slip. Dissociating is like binge drinking. It only makes pain worse. You have to protect yourself.

You don't want to turn into some burned out, nasty monster because of your trauma history. You have to protect yourself. You have to do the responsible thing.

You just want to be able to sit and listen to quiet. Sit, listen and don't be bombarded with pain.

Protect yourself.

Sunday, May 28, 2017

Trying to Focus

Trying really hard to have some sense of being grounded. But it's a huge struggle. You don't want to fall apart and black out.

What else can you do?

Friday, May 26, 2017

Symptoms and More

Fight symptoms. Torture flashbacks. Don't dissociate.

Set boundaries
Screen everything
Protect yourself

Thursday, May 25, 2017

Don't Dissociate

Fight symptoms all day. Don't dissociate. You have to. You can't just sit back and do nothing. You have to protect yourself.

Tuesday, May 23, 2017

More Fighting Symptoms

A new doctor's appointment. My blood clotting factor is too high. But, no chest pain or shortness of breath for a while now. Despite that, other symptoms are still there. Don't dissociate. Fight to keep some sense of focus. By the end of the day, we're totally wiped out.

What else can you do?

Monday, May 22, 2017

Body pain and Adrenalin Surges

A real struggle right now with adrenalin surges and torture flashbacks. Did one triggering thing set this off? I don't know. But you have to constantly fight to keep some sense of balance and smooth chi low. Otherwise it feels like your nervous system is all messed up. It's like you have horribly severe MS or some other autoimmune condition.

A terrorist attack in the UK. Trump sells weapons to help Saudi Arabia continue war crimes in Yemen. Can I singlehandedly stop this? No. But stay aware, care and protect your well being.

Sunday, May 21, 2017


Today was graduation day for one of my nephews. I've always tried to be as supportive as possible to all of my nephews and nieces. So while I was happy for him, it was also tough because of being bombarded with flashbacks. At my graduation, my PTSD symptoms were horrible severe. Psychotic episodes happened every day.

Nobody helped me.

You have to protect little kids. I was repeatedly tortured by three psychos that got away with it. NOBODY helped us for a really long time.

Pain never goes away.

Saturday, May 20, 2017

Not Running Away from Pain

Got through a decent  workout today. But also for some reason there's pain in my back. It feels like it's in my rib cage. Did I break something? No. But despite stretching a lot it's still there. What's causing it? I don't know.

Despite that, I do know that you need to face your trauma history head on as best you can. Arthritic pain is still there. But running away won't solve anything.

No matter what, don't dissociate. Don't set yourself up to where you'll slip into dissociating and go back to disappearing and having psychotic episodes. Protect yourself.

Friday, May 19, 2017

Try to Have Some Sense of Balance

Exhaustion and symptoms are still there. Dissociating is still a struggle. Sometimes you're bombarded with feeling abandoned. But you have to keep going.

You try to set boundaries and protect yourself. What else can you do?

Thursday, May 18, 2017


Struggling with abandonment. Also the feeling of you have to protect my little kid and all other little kids from psycho rapists. You try to cope as best you can.

Wednesday, May 17, 2017

Trying to Focus

It's been a busy week. Sorry to be away, but it's been a real struggle to deal with symptoms, appointments and to keep some sense of balance. You set boundaries as best you can. Protect yourself from triggering stuff as much as possible. If you didn't, a tiny slip could be fatal.

I'm struggling with flashbacks and abandonment. You try to be supportive of others as best you can. But despite that, at times you feel paralyzed with pain. Our symptoms have been horribly severe for a long time, and continue to be. But we know we're on the right path overall. We can't get support from the "immediate family"? Okay. Go somewhere else to get the support you need.

We did nothing wrong.
We're not insane.
We're not weird.
We're not a freak.
If we have thoughts about raping little kids, that will never happen. Having these thoughts doesn't mean
that we're some psycho pedophile.
We're not a danger to ourselves or anyone else.

We just want to feel safe.

Thursday, May 11, 2017

Exhaustion and Balance

Sorry to be away for a little while. Got no sleep at all for 2 days, till we finally just passed out. Got a little bit of sleep. But it's still a struggle to focus and not dissociate in the morning. Also, throughout the day.

I check a lot during the day to see what's real and what's isn't. You could dissociate and feel like you're escaping pain. Actually it just makes things worse. This means feeling solid things. Look around you. Feel the empty space around you. There's nobody there. However at times you have to really focus. Now, do this all day long.

There is no cure to PTSD. There is no cure to psychosis. You try and do the best you can to protect your well being. Pay attention to tiny things. Protect yourself as best you can.

Trying to keep a balance in your p/h level helps to a certain degree. Despite that, the problems are always there.

What else can you do?

Tuesday, May 9, 2017

Protect Yourself

Fight symptoms all day long. You never get a break from exhaustion. You have to keep some sense of balance. You have to get anger out without endangering yourself or others. By the end of the day you can barely move. But that's what you have to do. That tells us the severity of our symptoms.

No heart surgery yet. I told my cardiologist that I would prefer not to have surgery. UNLESS my life depends on it. Everything's connected. Pay attention to tiny things. You scream at times to not black out from dissociating. We don't want to dissociate and vanish.

You have to screen everything and protect your well being.

Sunday, May 7, 2017

Exhaustion and Protecting Yourself

Fighting really hard to not black out from dissociating. Tomorrow another doctor's appointment. Exhaustion is always there, from both CDD and cardiomyopathy. But you have to fight back and not do nothing.

Protect yourself.

Thursday, May 4, 2017

Pain and Exhaustion

Really struggling the past few days with pain, exhaustion, nightmares and more. Also today, the US House in Congress passed Trump Care. For anyone who doesn't know what that is, it's a potential law that takes away health coverage from 24-26 million people. If you have a "pre-existing condition", your coverage will be cancelled.  Keep in mind that the US is the ONLY country in the world with no universal health care.

What conditions does this cover?

acid reflux
atrial fibrillation
baraitric surgery
basel cell carcinoma
bipolar disorder
blood clot
breast cancer
bypass surgery
celiac disease
cerebral aneurysm
cerebral embolism
cerebral palsy
cerebral thrombosis
cervical cancer
colon cancer
colon polyps
congestive heart failure
Crohn's disease
cystic fibrosis
Down syndrome
eating disorders
enlarged prostate
heart disease
heart murmur
hepatitis C
high cholesterol
kidney disease
kidney stones
kidney transplant
lung cancer
mental health issues
muscular dystrophy
nasal polyps
organ transplant
panic disorder
Parkinson's disease
restless leg syndrome
seasonal affective disorder
sickle cell disease
skin cancer
sleep apnea
sleep disorders
thyroid issues
tooth disease

No other country in the world has a system this bad. The NHS in the UK is underfunded. But that system has been in place for a long time, and is accepted. The same thing in Canada and Australia. If these countries did away with their universal care, millions of people would burn down the Prime Minister's residence.

Another appointment tomorrow. Protect yourself.