Wednesday, November 30, 2016

Fight to Not Dissociate

Another day of fighting symptoms. A constant struggle to not dissociate. Don't relapse and fall apart. It will only make pain worse.

Can't watch TV without the sound being turned down. Too triggering these days. You have to screen everything.

You have to protect youself at all costs.

Tuesday, November 29, 2016

Another Doctor Appointment

Went to see the cardiologist and his assistant today. Some medication changes and then another heart test in 2 months. After that, we talk about all options.

The good news is so far I don't have to have a pacemaker or any other surgery. On the other hand, my appetite continues to go down. That's one common side effect of the various meds I'm on. It's still really frustrating when you feel like you can barely drink any liquids or eat tiny meals.

PTSD symptoms are still there. I still have psychotic episodes at times. Despite all this, I know I'm not insane. I'm not a danger to anybody. Your symptoms are a reflection of the severity of your trauma history.

Protect yourself.

Saturday, November 26, 2016

Fight to Stay Grounded

Lots of body pain and flashbacks. Also psychotic symptoms too. But despite that, I'm not crazy. I'm not a danger to  anybody.

You struggle to not turn into some burned out angry monster because of horrible treatment by others. However, they have to live with the consequences of their actions.

Protect yourself.

Thursday, November 24, 2016

Fight to Not Dissociate

Lots of triggering stuff everywhere. Always exhausted fighting to not black out or violently dissociate. But it's not my fault.

Tuesday, November 22, 2016

Don't Dissociate

Struggled thru a rough day yesterday trying not to dissociate. Nothing to hide behind. Which means you're bombarded with pain. I really don't want to go back to addictions with lots of painkillers. Which means diet, exercise, meditation and other things to try and face your trauma history head on.

Also, Trump the Dictator isn't my fault. Be aware, make decisions based on facts and fight to make things better. But your well being comes first.

Sunday, November 20, 2016

Bombarded with Pain

Nightmares, body pain and more of fighting symptoms. I don't want to go back to taking lots of meds and having lots of addictions again. Then again, while you can stay straight, they're always there.

You have to fight back. Some days feel half decent. Others have endless pain and psychotic thoughts. Despite that, I'm not crazy. I'm not a threat to anybody.

We just want to feel safe.

Friday, November 18, 2016

What's Causing It?

Another day with not only PTSD symptoms, but body pain as well. I can barely roll over, sit up and get out of bed. It feels like my lower spine is all pain. What's causing this? I know that health is both physical and mental. What is it?

Some form of arthritis?
Some form of cancer?
Trauma pain that's flooding out?
Severe allergic reaction?

I have to take heart meds and some supplements. I've started a new supplement to see if it gives some relief. On really bad days, EVERYTHING HURTS. Next month I'll try to get a specialist referral from one of my GP's.

You just want to feel safe.

Wednesday, November 16, 2016

Don't Dissociate

Fighting really hard today to not dissociate. It's like being bombarded non stop with pain. You don't want to black out. But every step is literally painful.

You just want to protect yourself.

Tuesday, November 15, 2016

More Exhaustion

You try and face the full reality of your trauma history, and how exhausting it can be. Another part of this is how severe dissociating has been (and continues to be) as you fight to keep some sense of being grounded. Then again, denial only makes things worse.

Protect yourself.

Sunday, November 13, 2016

Bombarded with Pain

Trying to focus and keep some sense of being grounded. Can't watch any cable news right now. Too triggering. Trump protests continue. Great. As long as they're hopefully non violent, keep going. But the anger needs to be heard.

We still have to proactively fight to not dissociate. This means we're constantly run down. But you don't have a choice.

Protect yourself.

Wednesday, November 9, 2016

Now What?

One nice thing about this blog is that while we try to concentrate on trauma and connected issues, the connected issues can cover a lot. Case in point: Trump beating Hillary. Called a support line earlier today, and we talked about not taking on the pain of the world AND your trauma pain all at once. I used to do that, and eventually said enough. As far as Trump winning, I try to look at it like, do the best you can to keep going to make things better. I made an informed choice and voted Green. Now, remember that your well being comes first. Be aware and care. But if you're not together, you can't be effective.

How do you protect your well being? Some days we have no TV at all. You just want to feel safe in your own home. We still work proactively to not fall into a slump that might let us give into dissociating. By the end of the day, you can barely move. On the other hand, you have a brief sense of relief.

I have health problems that I'm trying to deal with as best I can. Stay safe.

Tuesday, November 8, 2016

It's Not Our Fault

The worst is happening. Trump's going to win. Massive depression. But on the other hand, it's not our fault.

Voting and More

I didn't want to be caught in a weird voting situation. Time had run out. Ballots had run out. Voting machines had broken down. I voted early, and today we'll see. Whatever happens, I know I made the right choice based on facts and not rumors. If the worst happens and Trump wins, it's not our fault.

We still struggle with not taking on the pain of the world, along with our pain as well. Be aware and care. But your well being comes first. If we had to emigrate, where would we go? I'm not sure. But it would be the second time in my case.

Fight symptoms. Constant exhaustion. But you don't have a choice.

Sunday, November 6, 2016

Really Run Down

Even with trying to sleep in, you still feel exhausted. You fight to not dissociate by anticipating better if possible. This leads to fighting all day long. You can't do nothing, You have to protect yourself.

You don't want to fall apart.

Friday, November 4, 2016

Fight to Not Dissociate

Fighting symptoms all day long. Especially dissociating. It's like you try to see it coming more in advance, which makes you even more exhausted.

What else can you do?

Wednesday, November 2, 2016


Almost no sleep last night. A psychiatrist appointment today. Then, the Cubs lose the Series. Oh well. Enough for one day.

Stay safe.

Tuesday, November 1, 2016

It's All Connected

Is my chronic heart failure getting worse? My appetite is going down. My energy level is going down. I'm trying to stay away from salt and sugar as much as possible. Also, screen everything to protect yourself from violently triggering stuff.

I can barely eat anything. I can only drink tiny amounts of liquid without being bloated all the time. No luck yet in getting an earlier cardiologist appointment. We'll see.