Monday, August 21, 2017

Protect Yourself

A long day of fighting symptoms. Don't dissociate. Protect yourself.

Constant exhaustion. But you're on the right path.

Sunday, August 20, 2017

Sorry to Be Away

How was last week? Here, lots of appointments and a real struggle with symptoms. Constant exhaustion as you fight symptoms. But you have no choice. You have to fight back.

Stay close.

Tuesday, August 15, 2017

Appointments and More Appointments

Another doctors' appointment tomorrow. This time, talk to a gi doctor about my positive cancer test screening result. Is it juts a false positive? Not sure. but the good news is that we've never been diagnosed with cancer. Right now, it's constant exhaustion. I think it's from my PTSD symptoms. But we'll find out more tomorrow.

You have to fight back. Don't dissociate. But it never lets up.

Sunday, August 13, 2017

You have to Fight Back

Fight symptoms. The pain never goes away. We don't want to go back to a psych ward. But what else can you do?

Friday, August 11, 2017

Protect Yourself at All Costs

No sleep at night again. Also, more nightmares. You then wake up and feel like you're THIS CLOSE to going back to a psych ward. Am I insane? Am I weird. No to both.

But you have to fight back. Turn everything off. No TV. Almost nothing online. Screen everything. Is it safe to go outside? Even in crowded places, everything feels like a threat. Everything is a war zone.

I'm not a threat to anybody.

Thursday, August 10, 2017

Fight Symptoms

Another night of almost no sleep. Then a dentists appointment. It was a real struggle at times to not hallucinate and have torture flashbacks. Get in my car, and it's flashbacks to car wrecks. Try to keep your p/h balance okay. If not, it makes everything worse.

I did nothing wrong.
We did nothing wrong.
It's not our fault.
Your symptoms are a reflection of your trauma history.

Screen everything and protect yourself.


Wednesday, August 9, 2017

Struggle to Focus

Don't slip. Don't dissociate. If you let your guard down, you might slip and fall apart. Some people do this and die from it. We have no death wish. We just want to protect ourselves.

Don't fall apart.
Don't dissociate.
Don't let your guard down.
Protect yourself

We don't want to fall apart. For a long time we were fighting to not turn psychotic because of our trauma history. We don't want to go back to that.

Protect yourself.

Tuesday, August 8, 2017

Los of Pain

Almost no sleep at all last night. It was like you couldn't move. No energy at all. Almost stayed in bed all day to try and get some sense of energy back. No shortness of breath or chest pain. But small things take a huge amount of energy.

Triggering things are everywhere. If you're not careful, it feels like you're in a war zone. What's real and what isn't? We've never had a day free of symptoms. Instead, you have to fight back.

Threats are everywhere. Everything has to be screened.  Protect yourself.

Sunday, August 6, 2017

Constant Exhaustion

Fight symptoms and don't dissociate. You can't let your guard down. There's constant exhaustion. We still do other things to try and keep stress down. But the pain is always there. Small things take an enormous amount of energy. You have to fight.

Protect yourself.

Thursday, August 3, 2017

Another Day of Fighting Symptoms

Triggering stuff is everywhere. Screen everything. You have to fight back. The pain never stops. On the other hand, we're following the right things in facing our trauma history as best we can.

Small things take an enormous amount of energy. Taking a shower. Walking out the front door. Getting in the car without feeling like the psycho rapist is going to cut your throat and kill you.

You have to fight back.

Wednesday, August 2, 2017

Fight to Focus

There is no cure for PTSD. Which means like any incurable thing, you do your best to try and cope. But the pain is always there. Pain, symptoms and psychotic episodes.

You're not crazy. You're not strange in any way. You have to fight to protect your well being. What else can you do?

Tuesday, August 1, 2017

Fight Symptoms

Fight symptoms. Lack of sleep. If we're lucky, maybe 2 hours a night. Constant exhaustion. But don't slip and binge on salt and sugar.

You have to protect yourself.

Monday, July 31, 2017

Back On Line

Sorry to be off for a while. Due to technical problems, I couldn't log back in here. Did I forget the right user name and password? Tried it again, and it turns out the originals still work. So back online.

Symptoms are still there. Almost had another dissociative blackout yesterday. You have to really fight to focus and keep some sense of what's real and what isn't. You have to protect yourself.

Triggering things are everywhere. Set boundaries and protect yourself.

Thursday, July 27, 2017

Fight Symptoms

A tough day of fighting symptoms. We don't have death wish. But you have to fight hard to not fall apart.

Protect yourself. It's not your fault. Don't dissociate. You don't want to fall apart.

You have to protect yourself.

Tuesday, July 25, 2017

Don't Dissociate

Fighting symptoms and trying to keep some sense of focus.

Don't dissociate.
Don't dissociate.
Don't let your guard down.
Protect yourself.
Set boundaries.

Don't dissociate. Do something else.

Monday, July 24, 2017

Fight Symptoms

Another long day of fighting symptoms. Triggering stuff is everywhere. No TV today. You go shopping and have to avoid certain aisles. You never get a break. You have to protect yourself.

If you're not careful, one tiny triggering thing can literally kill you. I'm not crazy. I'm not weird, a freak or dangerous to anybody. But the pain is always there.

Set boundaries as best you can. Don't let your guard down so that you might dissociate. On bad days, you just stay home and try to focus on feeling safe. Don't go out. Protect yourself. You have to do it.

You can't handle the pain of the world and yours all at the same time. Also remember that you did nothing wrong. Horrible people are responsible for what they do and say. Not us.

Protect yourself.

Thursday, July 20, 2017

Trying for Some Peace and Quiet

Had to go out for a while. Now, it's back at home and trying to screen everything. No TV, no Trump garbage. Instead, some peace and quiet and trying to feel safe.

Lots of tea and trying to stay away from salt and sugar. Both played roles (and still do)  in my heart disease. Your system can only take so much abuse before it gives out. Despite that, the extreme ups and downs still happen. One minute you feel like you have some sense of clarity. Then, you're one step away from hurting yourself.

Triggering things can come from the tiniest things. A color, a sight, a sound. A face that reminds you of others. Also, flashbacks to torture and daily non stop abuse. You can't control what horrible people say and do. But they do have to live with the consequences of their actions.

You have to fight back. You can't just sit and do nothing. Just going with the flow doesn't work. You try to cope as best you can.

But the pain never goes away.
 .

Monday, July 17, 2017

Struggle with Symptoms

Happy birthday to us. A struggle to deal with symptoms and no energy at all. By the middle of the day, it was just go home and go to bed.

You have to protect yourself.

Sunday, July 16, 2017

Anger and Abandonment

Another day of struggling with symptoms. Anger and frustration are tough to face, as best you can. But denial just makes things worse. Face your trauma history head on, unless it endangers you in some way.

No matter what, it's not our fault. Protect yourself.

Thursday, July 13, 2017

Protect Yourself

A long day with dealing with symptoms. Went to an early birthday lunch with some family. While I appreciated the gesture, I'd like to have time for me. You try and focus as you're being bombarded with pain. You try and focus so you won't dissociate.

Keep your diet balanced, and see if it helps to deal with symptoms. It's still exhausting as you deal with  anger, frustration, and trying not to attack people. You have to fight.

Pain is always there. You fight to focus and not dissociate. You just want to have a moment of clarity. But the battle never stops.

Protect yourself.

Tuesday, July 11, 2017

A Constant Battle with Symptoms

Another day of fighting symptoms and dissociating. Our tolerance for an acidic diet is gone. Avoid salt and sugar as much as possible. Also salt, which is another stimulant.

Burnout never goes away. But you do your best to protect yourself.

More appointments coming up.

Monday, July 10, 2017

More Pain

Symptoms and pain are still there. Especially arthritic pain. No luck yet in trying to get second opinions on possible exploratory heart surgery or from a rheumatologist. We'll see what happens.

Set boundaries as best you can. Protect yourself.

Sunday, July 9, 2017

Pain Comes Flooding Out

Another day of symptoms and pain. For a while I thought I'd have a break from arthritis. Now, I can barely move. What's the triggering thing to make it worse? Salt? Sugar? Acidic content? Even if I focus, I can barely standup. Later I'll try my yoga practice and see how I feel then.

Or, is it backed up trauma pain flooding out? If it doesn't come out in one way, it comes out in others.
You have to face it head on, as best you can.

Protect yourself.

Saturday, July 8, 2017

Trying to Focus

Burnout is always there. Just like all the other symptoms. Don't dissociate. Don't let your guard down to then black out. You have no idea of where you are. You have to protect yourselves.

Screen everything and stay safe.

Friday, July 7, 2017

Pain Is Always There

Everything's connected. Health is both physical and mental. Pain never goes away.

Trying to stretch and be careful with the diet. Too acidic means inflammation? You have to protect yourself.

Flashbacks still happen to abuse, torture and more. You have to protect yourself.

Stay safe.

Thursday, July 6, 2017

Nightmares and More

Nightmares have come back. There's no set pattern to them. But you never get a break from them. Pain is also there. Arthritic, circulation and body memory pain. All at the same time. You have to fight back. You can't just sit back and do nothing.

You scream and fight to get anger out. Sometimes you get a brief moment of clarity and relief. But then the cycle starts again. When the end of the day comes, you can barely move. But you have to fight. Just doing nothing will make you fall apart.

We did nothing wrong
It's not our fault
We are not weird, strange or dangerous in any way
You have to screen everything to protect yourself
You have to fight back

Protect yourself.

Wednesday, July 5, 2017

Trying for Balance

Another night of almost no sleep. Stay away from salt, sugar and caffeine as much as possible. Set boundaries. Screen everything. Some days there's no TV. No being bombarded with pain. But even with these things, it's still there.

I go out driving somewhere, and flashbacks happen to getting hit by another car. My car is totaled. Am I dead? No. Can I move? Yes. Why is this happening? Pain is always there. Dissociating is always there. I also know that your chemical balance plays a role in this. If you can keep your p/h levels in a good balance, it helps to a certain extent.

But the pain is always there. You never get a break.

You try and focus on a good chi flow. But it's always a struggle. It's like at times bits and pieces come out of nowhere. You have to fight really hard to get the anger out and feel like maybe you'll get a few seconds of relief.

The pain is still there.

You have to fight back. You have to protect yourself. You don't have a choice.

Tuesday, July 4, 2017

Flashbacks and More

A tough day with symptoms and lots of flashbacks. I'm driving somewhere and suddenly I'm in an accident where I was almost killed. In the past ten years I've almost died 5 times. You have to focus really hard to protect yourself. Fourth of July fireworks? Also triggering.

Torture flashbacks still happen. Do you still have these happen? How do you deal with these?

Stay safe.

Monday, July 3, 2017

Incurable Condition

PTSD is incurable. Which means like for any incurable condition, you do the best you can to cope with symptoms. Dissociating is still one of the hardest ones to deal with. You don't want to disappear and no idea of where you are. Blackouts still happen.

Despite that, you protect your well being. What else can you do?

Saturday, July 1, 2017

Pain and Symptoms

Fighting symptoms and exhaustion all day. Even if you manage to get some sleep at night, you still struggle to focus and wake up.

Fight all day to protect yourself. Pain never goes away, and you don't have a choice. Take care of yourself.

Friday, June 30, 2017

Protect Yourself

Fight symptoms and screen everything. Don't set yourself up to possibly slip and dissociate. You can't handle your pain and the pain of the world all at the same time.

Cover your bases and protect yourself.

Thursday, June 29, 2017

Never Let Your Guard Down

One thing all trauma survivors have to keep in mind. Never let your guard down so that triggering stuff could harm you in some way. It's like addicts who can't afford to relapse. You might think it's a way to escape pain, but it's not. It just makes things way worse.

We don't want to go back to violently dissociating and have no idea of where we are, what time it is and then not caring. Fighting psychotic episodes all the time. Not knowing where you are. You have to protect yourself. If you don't, the tiniest triggering thing could kill you. Does that ever go away? No it doesn't.

You have to protect yourself. We had another dissociative slip. But we're be okay. The pain never goes away.

Protect yourself.

Saturday, June 24, 2017

Bombarded with Pain

Burnout never goes away. Pain is always there. But you have to fight back to have some sense of balance. You have to protect your well being.

Can you save the world all by yourself? No. But awareness and caring are always there. Just be selective in where you fight your battles.

How do you cope with your burnout?

Friday, June 23, 2017

Pain Never Goes Away

Another day of fighting symptoms and pain. You open your eyes in the morning and try to sit up and then stand up. You feel beat up and intense arthritic pain. Breathe deeply, try to focus and then stand up. If you can stand up, walking and trying to move is painful.

You fix breakfast and try to sit down. Any movement feels painful. Then stretch out and try to focus on the TV with the sound turned down. then you try focus and have some sense of energy to be able to go out. Take a shower and stretch to stimulate chi throughout your spine. But exhaustion is always there.

You can go out. But you always have to have an escape plan to protect yourself. Dissociating and other symptoms are always there. Will somebody try to attack and kill us in this crowded place? On bad days you have to focus to try and get in and out without attacking anybody.

Pain and abandonment are always there. You don't want to hurt yourself or anybody else. You have to fight to focus and hold onto some sense of balance. You have to focus and not feel like you're falling off a cliff and will disappear and die.

You can never let your guard down. You always have to fight back.

Protect yourself.

Wednesday, June 21, 2017

Fighting for Treatment

Another day of fighting burnout and other symptoms. Also, "Trump Care". For any readers who don't know what that is, it's the Republicans sick and twisted idea of health care. The rest of the civilized world has single payer health care. But in the States, it's profit that matters. "Trump Care" is just a massive tax cut for the ultra wealthy. This bill will end health coverage for 26 million people. Many will die. This is called murder. But in Washington DC politics, this is acceptable.

Why? Because there's an idea there of "looking forward and not backward". This means if someone commits a crime, don't prosecute them because that would be too divisive. Instead, just look ahead to tomorrow. If this becomes law, this will severely hurt me being able to get access to the treatment that I need.

Denial used to be a problem. Now I can admit that I'm a rape survivor. I can admit that it's not my fault. But the pain never goes away. On bad days you're one step short of killing yourself. I would  never do that. But it's important to admit that those thoughts are there.

Is "Trump Care" one way for the rich to kill the poor? Yes it is.

Protect yourself.

Tuesday, June 20, 2017

Trying to Focus

A long day of fighting symptoms. Pain and despair never go away. We work out as a way to deal with adrenalin surges and heart disease. But the symptoms are still there.

Stay away from stimulants as best you can. They just make things way worse. But what else can you do?

Monday, June 19, 2017

Don't Let Your Guard Dwn

Another day of fighting symptoms, exhaustion and more. As best you can, don't put yourself in a situation where you might let your guard down and then dissociate and vanish. That doesn't relieve pain. It makes it worse. You have to fight back.

You have to protect yourself. At times pain is everywhere, Arthritic pain. Circulation pain. Body memory pain. But you have to face it head on as best you can. As long as it doesn't endanger you in some way.

Protect your well being.

Sunday, June 18, 2017

Fight to Have A Sense of Balance

Another day of fighting symptoms. Pain is always there. Don't let your guard down so you'd have a slip and dissociate. It doesn't help to escape pain. It just makes things worse.

Abandonment never goes away. You try to reassure yourself (and my multiples and little kid) that we did nothing wrong. If other do and say horrible stuff, that's their choice. They then have to live with the consequences.

You just try to protect your well being.

Saturday, June 17, 2017

There Is No Cure

There is no cure for PTSD. Which means like with any incurable condition, you try to protect your well being as best you can. But the pain is always there.

Pay attention to tiny things in how you feel.

Wednesday, June 14, 2017

Low Energy

How's your Wednesday? Today is an ultra high triggering day. No TV, no commercials. Protect yourself everywhere you go. Still almost no sleep at all at night. You're constantly struggling all day to try and have some sense of energy.

You have to fight back. You have no control over other horrible people. They  have to live with the consequences of what they say and do.

It's like the full horror of our trauma history is hitting really hard. You feel paralyzed at times. You just sit and want quiet. You did nothing wrong. But you feel horrible.

What else can you do?

Tuesday, June 13, 2017

Feeling Paralyzed

What's it like to have a day free of symptoms? We don't know. You never get a good night's sleep. Then you wake up between 2 and 4 a.m. You eat something and try to focus. Instead, you stretch out and many times get maybe a hour of sleep (if you're lucky). Then it's a constant battle to try and get thru the day with some sense of energy.

You sit still and at times you just want quiet. Don't be bombarded with flashbacks, noise and pain. Just sit and focus on the quiet. Sometimes you can for short periods. Other times it doesn't work. But despite that, you have to fight back. You can't just sit and do nothing. That doesn't work.

The truth is I (along with my little kid and multiples) have seen and had horrible things happen to us. One minute you feel like you have some sense of clarity. Then, you're this close to killing yourself. Would we ever do that? No. But the pain never goes away.

We did nothing wrong.
We're not strange in any way.
The severity of your symptoms is equal to severity of your trauma history.
Pain never goes away.
We won't off ourselves.
We did nothing wrong.

Sometimes we just curl up and rock back and forth. You just want to feel safe.

Saturday, June 10, 2017

Symptoms and Exhaustion

A long day of fighting symptoms and to not black out from exhaustion. Too tired to do anything.

Thursday, June 8, 2017

Finally Some Sleep

After 2 days straight with no sleep, we finally managed to get a few hours. But the constant exhaustion is still there. Despite that, you have to fight. Don't dissociate. We still struggle with facing how horribly severe our trauma history has been (and continues to be).

You have to protect yourself.

Tuesday, June 6, 2017

Symptoms and More

Fight symptoms and exhaustion all day long. Triggering stuff feels like it's everywhere. Which means you always have to screen everything to protect yourself.

Nightmares still happen. At other times, split second thoughts about raping little kids also happen. Even though it does, we'll never act on that and we're not a psycho pedophile just because it does happen.

That doesn't change the fact that you feel sad, abandoned and struggle to keep some sense of balance. What  else can you do?

Monday, June 5, 2017

Exhaustion and Pain

Another day of fighting symptoms and adrenal exhaustion. You have to protect yourself. But it never goes away.

Also heart symptoms. Part of heart failure is messed up digestion. I can't handle big meals or lots of liquids anymore. Does it get better? Not sure.

Protect yourself.

Friday, June 2, 2017

Pay Attention to the Small Things

Another day of fighting symptoms. Also, hypersensitive to stimulants. If you have more than a tiny amount, it makes all of my symptoms worse. So you have to pay attention to tiny things in how you feel.

Dissociating is still one of the hardest symptoms to deal with. One minute you feel like you have a moment of clarity. Then, you're one step away from killing yourself. I would never do that, of course. But you have to face that despair as best you can.

You have to fight back.

Wednesday, May 31, 2017

Trying to Focus

Pain, symptoms and fighting to not dissociate and black out. Constant exhaustion. But you have to fight back.

I'm not crazy. I'm not a danger to anybody. You have to fight back. Pain never goes away.

Tuesday, May 30, 2017

Trying to Find a Balance

Symptoms are still there. You think you have a moment of clarity, and it's incredibly exhausting to try and hold onto that. You continue to fight being bombarded with pain. Torture flashbacks, nightmare and more.

But what else can you do? You have to fight back.

Monday, May 29, 2017

Bombarded with Flashbacks and Pain

Happy holiday weekend (if you're lucky enough to have one). Symptoms and nightmares still happen. Pain is still there. When I wake up in the morning, you have to focus and deal with dissociating and pain. Many time arthritic.

Then, we're still trying to keep some sense of being grounded. It's like holding onto many things to keep everything in line. It's a constant battle to not dissociate or black out. You also have torture flashbacks and other types of pain.

It's constant exhaustion. You can't just sit back and do nothing, You have to fight back. But flashbacks happen. Constant pain and psychotic episodes. Every day. Nobody helped us.

Every single day.

Don't intentionally put yourself in a position where you'll slip. Dissociating is like binge drinking. It only makes pain worse. You have to protect yourself.

You don't want to turn into some burned out, nasty monster because of your trauma history. You have to protect yourself. You have to do the responsible thing.

You just want to be able to sit and listen to quiet. Sit, listen and don't be bombarded with pain.

Protect yourself.


Sunday, May 28, 2017

Trying to Focus

Trying really hard to have some sense of being grounded. But it's a huge struggle. You don't want to fall apart and black out.

What else can you do?

Friday, May 26, 2017

Symptoms and More

Fight symptoms. Torture flashbacks. Don't dissociate.

Set boundaries
Screen everything
Protect yourself

Thursday, May 25, 2017

Don't Dissociate

Fight symptoms all day. Don't dissociate. You have to. You can't just sit back and do nothing. You have to protect yourself.

Tuesday, May 23, 2017

More Fighting Symptoms

A new doctor's appointment. My blood clotting factor is too high. But, no chest pain or shortness of breath for a while now. Despite that, other symptoms are still there. Don't dissociate. Fight to keep some sense of focus. By the end of the day, we're totally wiped out.

What else can you do?

Monday, May 22, 2017

Body pain and Adrenalin Surges

A real struggle right now with adrenalin surges and torture flashbacks. Did one triggering thing set this off? I don't know. But you have to constantly fight to keep some sense of balance and smooth chi low. Otherwise it feels like your nervous system is all messed up. It's like you have horribly severe MS or some other autoimmune condition.

A terrorist attack in the UK. Trump sells weapons to help Saudi Arabia continue war crimes in Yemen. Can I singlehandedly stop this? No. But stay aware, care and protect your well being.

Sunday, May 21, 2017

Flashbacks

Today was graduation day for one of my nephews. I've always tried to be as supportive as possible to all of my nephews and nieces. So while I was happy for him, it was also tough because of being bombarded with flashbacks. At my graduation, my PTSD symptoms were horrible severe. Psychotic episodes happened every day.

Nobody helped me.

You have to protect little kids. I was repeatedly tortured by three psychos that got away with it. NOBODY helped us for a really long time.

Pain never goes away.

Saturday, May 20, 2017

Not Running Away from Pain

Got through a decent  workout today. But also for some reason there's pain in my back. It feels like it's in my rib cage. Did I break something? No. But despite stretching a lot it's still there. What's causing it? I don't know.

Despite that, I do know that you need to face your trauma history head on as best you can. Arthritic pain is still there. But running away won't solve anything.

No matter what, don't dissociate. Don't set yourself up to where you'll slip into dissociating and go back to disappearing and having psychotic episodes. Protect yourself.

Friday, May 19, 2017

Try to Have Some Sense of Balance

Exhaustion and symptoms are still there. Dissociating is still a struggle. Sometimes you're bombarded with feeling abandoned. But you have to keep going.

You try to set boundaries and protect yourself. What else can you do?

Thursday, May 18, 2017

Exhaustion

Struggling with abandonment. Also the feeling of you have to protect my little kid and all other little kids from psycho rapists. You try to cope as best you can.

Wednesday, May 17, 2017

Trying to Focus

It's been a busy week. Sorry to be away, but it's been a real struggle to deal with symptoms, appointments and to keep some sense of balance. You set boundaries as best you can. Protect yourself from triggering stuff as much as possible. If you didn't, a tiny slip could be fatal.

I'm struggling with flashbacks and abandonment. You try to be supportive of others as best you can. But despite that, at times you feel paralyzed with pain. Our symptoms have been horribly severe for a long time, and continue to be. But we know we're on the right path overall. We can't get support from the "immediate family"? Okay. Go somewhere else to get the support you need.

We did nothing wrong.
We're not insane.
We're not weird.
We're not a freak.
If we have thoughts about raping little kids, that will never happen. Having these thoughts doesn't mean
that we're some psycho pedophile.
We're not a danger to ourselves or anyone else.

We just want to feel safe.

Thursday, May 11, 2017

Exhaustion and Balance

Sorry to be away for a little while. Got no sleep at all for 2 days, till we finally just passed out. Got a little bit of sleep. But it's still a struggle to focus and not dissociate in the morning. Also, throughout the day.

I check a lot during the day to see what's real and what's isn't. You could dissociate and feel like you're escaping pain. Actually it just makes things worse. This means feeling solid things. Look around you. Feel the empty space around you. There's nobody there. However at times you have to really focus. Now, do this all day long.

There is no cure to PTSD. There is no cure to psychosis. You try and do the best you can to protect your well being. Pay attention to tiny things. Protect yourself as best you can.

Trying to keep a balance in your p/h level helps to a certain degree. Despite that, the problems are always there.

What else can you do?

Tuesday, May 9, 2017

Protect Yourself

Fight symptoms all day long. You never get a break from exhaustion. You have to keep some sense of balance. You have to get anger out without endangering yourself or others. By the end of the day you can barely move. But that's what you have to do. That tells us the severity of our symptoms.

No heart surgery yet. I told my cardiologist that I would prefer not to have surgery. UNLESS my life depends on it. Everything's connected. Pay attention to tiny things. You scream at times to not black out from dissociating. We don't want to dissociate and vanish.

You have to screen everything and protect your well being.

Sunday, May 7, 2017

Exhaustion and Protecting Yourself

Fighting really hard to not black out from dissociating. Tomorrow another doctor's appointment. Exhaustion is always there, from both CDD and cardiomyopathy. But you have to fight back and not do nothing.

Protect yourself.

Thursday, May 4, 2017

Pain and Exhaustion

Really struggling the past few days with pain, exhaustion, nightmares and more. Also today, the US House in Congress passed Trump Care. For anyone who doesn't know what that is, it's a potential law that takes away health coverage from 24-26 million people. If you have a "pre-existing condition", your coverage will be cancelled.  Keep in mind that the US is the ONLY country in the world with no universal health care.

What conditions does this cover?

AIDS/HIV
acid reflux
acne
ADD
addiction
Alzheimer's
dementia
anemia
aneurysm
angioplasty
anorexia
anxiety
arrhythmia
arthritis
asthma
atrial fibrillation
autism
baraitric surgery
basel cell carcinoma
bipolar disorder
blood clot
breast cancer
bulimia
bypass surgery
celiac disease
cerebral aneurysm
cerebral embolism
cerebral palsy
cerebral thrombosis
cervical cancer
colon cancer
colon polyps
congestive heart failure
COPD
Crohn's disease
cystic fibrosis
DMD
depression
diabetes
disabilities
Down syndrome
eating disorders
enlarged prostate
epilepsy
glaucoma
gout
heart disease
heart murmur
heartburn
hemophilia
hepatitis C
herpes
high cholesterol
hypertension
hysterectomy
kidney disease
kidney stones
kidney transplant
leukemia
lung cancer
lupus
lymphoma
mental health issues
migraines
MS
muscular dystrophy
narcolepsy
nasal polyps
obesity
OCD
organ transplant
osteoporosis
pacemaker
panic disorder
paralysis
paraplegia
Parkinson's disease
pregnancy
restless leg syndrome
schizophrenia
seasonal affective disorder
seizures
sickle cell disease
skin cancer
sleep apnea
sleep disorders
stent
stroke
thyroid issues
tooth disease
tuberculosis

No other country in the world has a system this bad. The NHS in the UK is underfunded. But that system has been in place for a long time, and is accepted. The same thing in Canada and Australia. If these countries did away with their universal care, millions of people would burn down the Prime Minister's residence.

Another appointment tomorrow. Protect yourself.


Sunday, April 30, 2017

Sorry to Be Away

How's the weekend? Sorry to be away. But it's fight symptoms all day long and don't black out. You have nothing to hide behind anymore. Which means that if you're not careful in protecting yourself from triggering things, the worst can happen. I would never hurt myself or anybody else. But that doesn't mean you can just blissfully ignore this.

Pain is always there. Circulation pain, arthritic pain, chest pain. Also, just feeling paralyzed. Like you can't do anything. You want no noise. You don't want to be assaulted. You just want to protect yourself. You hear a little kid cry. Immediately you jump cut to being raped and screaming in pain. Nobody helps you. The mom helps the little kid. Does anybody help us? No. They say they care. So why didn't you do anything?

You know you're not bad. So how come nobody helped us? You don't want to get eaten alive by anger. But  the pain never goes away.

What do you do?

Thursday, April 27, 2017

Fight All Day Long

You don't have a choice. You have to fight to keep some sense of being grounded. You don't want to turn into a burned out, angry monster because of your trauma history. The full reality of my history is hitting now.

Protect yourself.

Wednesday, April 26, 2017

Another Appointment

How's your part of the world? Another long day of fighting symptoms and to not black out from dissociating.     Had another doctor's appointment. My blood clotting factor is looking good. Despite that, constant exhaustion and pain are always there. Arthritis, circulation pain and more.

On the other hand, I'm not hiding behind destructive stuff that I used to do. Which means everything's flooding out.

No TV today. Can't handle commercials and how everything is corporate. Everybody looks the same, sounds the same and thinks they're funny when they're not. Also, they could care less what you the audience thinks.

How are you dealing with your trauma history? Here it feels like the full horror of mine is hitting me. As scary as it can be, that's a good sign.

Triggers are everywhere. You sit waiting for your appointment, and you can hear a little kid crying across the hall. Instantly you're screaming in pain as you're being raped and nobody bursts into the room to help you. If you're not careful, the slightest trigger could kill you. We have no desire to kill ourselves. But you have to keep that in mind.

Can we stop all of the pain in the world singlehandedly? No. But awareness and trying to do something is okay.

Protect yourself.


Tuesday, April 25, 2017

Exhaustion

Pain and constantly fighting symptoms. Tomorrow, another appointment. You have to fight back. You don't have a choice.

Protect yourself.

Monday, April 24, 2017

Exhaustion

Fighting symptoms and to not set ourselves up to dissociate. By the end of the day, we're totally wiped out.

You just want to feel safe.

Saturday, April 22, 2017

Long Day

Fight symptoms all day long. Now, time to stretch out and focus on how you feel. You can't just sit back and do nothing.

Protect yourself.

Wednesday, April 19, 2017

Symptoms and Pain

Everything's connected. Lots of pain as you fight symptoms. If it doesn't come out in one way, it will come out in others. Autoimmune pain, rashes; lots of things can happen. We're really trying to pay attention to how we feel.

Protect yourself.

Monday, April 17, 2017

Fight symptoms all day long. Pain and exhaustion. But you can't just do nothing. Protect yourself.

Saturday, April 15, 2017

Fight Symptoms

Fight all day long to not dissociate or black out. By the end of the day, you're totally wiped out. But what else can you do?

Friday, April 14, 2017

Exhaustion

Fight symptoms all day along. Exhaustion is always there. You try to pace yourself, but it never goes away. On the other hand, you can't just sit and do nothing. You have to fight back.

Stay away from triggering stuff as much as possible. Pay attention to small things. If it's a waste of time, don't kill time by doing it. Do something else.

Try to keep a balance. Protect yourself.

Thursday, April 13, 2017

Fight Symptoms

Another appointment today. Now, I can hear again! The last time I had wax buildups in my ears, I was almost completely deaf for 2 weeks. So today the doctor, nurse and I talked about the effects of other things on your system (stress, diet and more). They agree that I'm on the right track to deal with all of my health problems.

We know that everything's connected. Your emotions do have an effect on your system. Undealt with stress can make you more suseptible to a wide range of  illnesses. Including cancer. There are peer reviewed studies that have proven this. So why aren't they widely publicized? Because cancer research is a multi billion dollar industry. There are lots of smart, well meaning people trying to do their best work. But why ignore something so key to overall health? Very strange.

Pay attention to how tiny things affect you. Protect yourself.

Wednesday, April 12, 2017

Tuesday, April 11, 2017

Don't Dissociate

More symptoms and exhaustion. Two more doctor appointments this week. In the meantime, don't put yourself in a position to dissociate and black out. You have to protect yourself. Set boundaries and be careful.

More as it happens.

Monday, April 10, 2017

Cover Your Bases

A long day of fighting symptoms. More doctor appointments coming up. In the meantime, fight really hard to not fall apart. I have no death wish. I don't want to give up and just die to escape pain. Why do those thoughts come to mind? We're not sure. But you have to protect yourself.

Time for some more tea.

Sunday, April 9, 2017

Symptoms and Trying to Stay Grounded

Fight symptoms all day long. Everything's interconnected. Do your best to stay grounded. You have to fight back. You can't just sit and do nothing. Set boundaries and protect yourself as best you can.

You just have to.

Thursday, April 6, 2017

War in Syria and More

This just in. Trump has decided to go to war with Syria. Of course, the Pentagon and other politicians aren't saying this is a war. Instead, it's a "military response". It's a "proportional response". It's a "counterbalance". It's also illegal under current U.S. law. The President starts a new war. Meanwhile, half the Congress is on a two week vacation. Why?

Because they don't want to be seen as weak. In Trump's mind, he is perfect 100% of the time. He can never ever been seen as weak in any way. When your approval ratings are in the low 30's, start a war. Does Trump know that China and Russia see an attack on Assad as an attack on them? No one knows.

It's hard enough to try and watch triggering stuff like this. I just turn the sound down and read the messages at the bottom of the screen. Symptoms are still there. Osteoarthritis is still there. Some days I can move relatively pain free. On bad days, I have problems standing up because it's so painful. You feel like you're going to snap in two on bad days with anger. You have to fight back to not dissociate. You can't just sit back and do nothing. You have to protect yourself. This means being constantly run down all day. By the end of the day, you can barely do anything.

But what else can you do?

The TV is on with the sound turned down. They're playing endless video loops of missiles being launched. Gas attack victims. Assad. Then, all over again. I can't deal with endless sound bites that just fill airtime.

Now Trump. The press asked about Syria, and he blew them off. Does Trump know anything about PTSD? No. This means set boundaries to protect yourself. Can you do this and be aware and care? Yes you can.

Pain is always there. But we're not a danger to anyone. We're not strange in any way. We're trying to deal with health problems as best we can. Everything's connected.

Protect yourself.




Tuesday, April 4, 2017

Don't Black Out

Fight symptoms all day long. Don't dissociate. Don't black out and have no idea of where you are. You have to protect yourself.

Another doctor appointment coming up Thursday.

Sunday, April 2, 2017

Symptoms

Fighting symptoms and trying not to black out from dissociating. There's no break. You have to fight back.

Now, totally wiped out.

Thursday, March 30, 2017

Symptoms and Pain

Don't dissociate. What's causing occasional distorted hearing? PTSD symptoms, or another medical problem? We'll hopefully find out next week when we talk to the GP.

Protect yourself.

Tuesday, March 28, 2017

Don't Dissociate

Fight symptoms all day long and don't dissociate. Don't set yourself up to black out and have no idea of where you are. Tomorrow more doctor appointments. We'll talk to the psychiatrist about this.

Protect yourself.

Monday, March 27, 2017

Symptoms and Don't Black Out

Fight symptoms and don't dissociate. Protect yourself and set boundaries. It's not your fault.

Sunday, March 26, 2017

Symptoms and Exhaustion

Fight symptoms and exhaustion. Don't dissociate. At times you feel empty and don't know what to do. But in general terms you're following the right things.

Protect yourself.

Saturday, March 25, 2017

Don't Dissociate

A long day of fighting symptoms and to not black out. Also, to face the fact that after being repeatedly raped by three psycho rapists, I had an addiction to soft core porn for a long time to help survive the pain. But it just made it worse.

Now, I have nothing to hide behind anymore. The pain is always there. But I'm doing the right things. Protect yourself.

Thursday, March 23, 2017

Post Op

Sorry to be off yesterday. Had a dentist appointment to pull an infected tooth. Lots of medication and then just go home and rest. Today, the swelling has gone down a lot. But, finish off all the prescribed pain meds in the meantime.

Fight to protect yourself. Set boundaries. Do you really need to look at.listen to/watch what you know is triggering? No you don't. Instead, do something else.

It's not your fault. But despair and abandonment are always there.

Tuesday, March 21, 2017

Triggering Stuff is Everywhere

Protect yourself as best you can. Today is one of those high dangerous triggering stuff days. If you watch TV, turn the sound down and just look at it. No commercials today. Be careful with the I-can-singlehandedly-save-the-world-by-myself mode of thinking. Exhaustion is always there. But you have to fight back. You can't juts sit and do nothing.

Don't dissociate. Don't put yourself in a position where you black out and think that you'll escape pain, because you won't. It'll just make things worse.

You did nothing wrong. It's not your fault. But the pain never goes away.

Sunday, March 19, 2017

Set Boundaries

Right now, we want peace and quiet. Too much triggering stuff on TV. Commercials on the radio? No. Too much triggering stimulus. Instead, protect yourself. Don't let your guard down and dissociate. It's kind of like thinking for  a second about having a drink again. Do you really want to go thru that pain again? No.

Protect yourself as best you can from others who say and do horrible things. Why do they do this? We don't know. But nobody forces them to say and do this. Which means that they deal with the consequences of their actions.

Pain is always there. You try the usual methods to ground yourself, and it's still there. You have to keep fighting back. You can't just sit back and do nothing. You have to protect yourself.

Lots of formerly favorite foods are violently triggering now. Sometimes going into a store is dangerous. You have to focus and try to protect yourself and others. How do I go in here and get out safely? How do I not black out and attack someone? Blackouts still happen.

Protect yourself as best you can.

Saturday, March 18, 2017

Trying to Keep Some Focus

Another day of fighting symptoms and constant exhaustion. Leaving my house isn't the issue. It used to be. At times it took me almost fifteen minutes to actually walk out the door, close it, lock it and then walk away without dissociating and fighting adrenalin surges. But the symptoms are still there.

Being in confined spaces is still a problem. I get in my car and suddenly the psycho rapist is there. He tries to put he in a headlock and then cut my throat with his knife. I fight bak, break his grip and then kill him before he kills me. Now imagine fighting this all day long. Every day. In addition to everything else that's hitting you.

Pain is still there. Circulation pain, arthritic pain, body memory pain. I've never had a day completely free of pain. Completely free of symptoms. I don't know what that's like.

I don't want to dissociate. Don't set yourself up to black out and then have no idea what happened. But you can't sit back and do nothing.

Does feeling abandoned ever go away? I don't know.
I've only had two people since we got raped who actually gave us a reassuring hug and meant it when they said I'm sorry you were raped. What kind of effects does that have on somebody long term?

We're not mentally ill. We're not sick or a threat to anybody. We have health problems that we're trying to deal with as best we can.




Thursday, March 16, 2017

Protect Yourself

Triggering stuff is everywhere. Screen everything and protect yourself as best you can. The exhaustion is constant along with battling the symptoms. But what else can you do?

Wednesday, March 15, 2017

Constant Exhaustion

Fight symptoms all day long. Don't dissociate. But exhaustion is always there. You try to pace yourself. But after ten minutes or so, you need to sit and rest. Despite that, don't dissociate.

The full reality of how much damage my trauma history has done is a constant struggle. But I know it's not our fault.

Protect yourself.

Tuesday, March 14, 2017

Emptiness and Exhaustion

Try to focus. Don't dissociate. Don't set yourself up to slip and black out. We can do various things in the day. But exhaustion is always there. You have to have a break from constant stimulus. Some days, no TV at all. You feel like you're five steps ahead of everybody else. So why bother to look at it?

Protect yourself.

Monday, March 13, 2017

Fighting Fatigue

More symptoms and fatigue. Don't dissociate. Don't black out. Don't drop your guard and then have no idea of where you are. You have to protect yourself. But fatigue is always there.

How do you handle your pain? Do you feel abandoned? You have to be careful so as not to attack anybody else. Pain is always there. Arthritis is at times all over. But you have to face it as best you can.

Pain and exhaustion.

Sunday, March 12, 2017

Endless Pain

Fight and don't dissociate. Don't put yourself in a position where you'll slip and black out. Pain is always there. You never get a break.

Part of it also is your immune system. My diet was so poisonous for so long that I'm still dealing with detoxifying from it. Your symptoms are a reflection of the severity of your history. We did nothing wrong. But symptoms are always there.

Don't dissociate
Don't black out
Fight back
Protect yourself
Don't slip
You have to protect yourself

You just want to feel safe.

Saturday, March 11, 2017

Don't Dissociate

A long day of fighting symptoms and pain. You have to protect yourself. You fight to maintain some sense of being grounded. But on bad days you feel one step away from offing yourself. You don't want to. But the thoughts are there.

We did nothing wrong. But we struggle with feeling abandoned and at times not knowing what to do. Dissociating puts enormous stress on your heart and circulation. Did a long history of violent unchecked dissociating (not by choice) severely damage my heart? It played a part.

But it's not our fault. You just want to protect your well being.

Friday, March 10, 2017

Fight to Not Black Out

Don't dissociate. Don't fall apart. You're not a threat to anybody. But exhaustion is always there.

You have to protect yourself. Set boundaries. It's not your fault. But pain is always there.

Protect yourself.

Wednesday, March 8, 2017

Constant Exhaustion

Burnout is always there. You try to pace yourself to protect your overall well being. But the exhaustion is always there. Don't dissociate. You have to fight back and protect yourself.

It's always there.

Tuesday, March 7, 2017

A Reflection of Your Trauma History

Fight symptoms all day long. Don't dissociate. Do something else so you won't drop your guard and fall apart. I'm not a danger to anybody. We're not abnormal in any way. Your symptoms are a reflection of your trauma history.

Protect yourself.

Sunday, March 5, 2017

Emptiness

You try to focus and protect yourself. But lots of emptiness that you just can't shake off. On the other hand, you have to face your history and not let denial make things worse.

You did nothing wrong. You have no control over horrible people. Just protect your well being.

Saturday, March 4, 2017

Face Your Trauma History

A long tough day of trying to face our trauma history without being injured by it. Horribly severe CDD (complex dissociative disorder) and psychosis every day. No escape. You know something's wrong. But nothing you do helps and nobody helps us. It's like torture every single day.

You can't give up because you'll fall apart and die. You have to fight back. It leads to a long list of problems:

chronic heart failure
alcoholism
permanent cirrhosis scarring
PTSD
psychotic symptoms that we still have
spinal arthritis
damage to your immune system genes

Nobody did anything to help us. Nobody ever asked anything. Nothing.

We don't want to die from anger. On the other hand, denial will only make things worse.

We did nothing wrong. We're not abnormal in any way. If other people want to be horrible, they have to live with the consequences of that. Not us.


We're not a danger to anyone. We're just trying to protect ourselves as best we can.



Friday, March 3, 2017

Don't Dissociate

Fight all day to not dissociate. Don't set yourself up to dissociate and black out. Protect yourself.

Constant exhaustion. But you keep going, because that's all there is to do.


Wednesday, March 1, 2017

Symptoms, Burnout and More

More exhaustion as you struggle with symptoms. Trauma affects you on both a cellular and genetic level. Even with staying away from salt and sugar as much as possible burnout is still there.

Do I have fibromyalgia? No. Cancer, MS or something other than what I have now? I don't think so. But you do your best to protect yourself.

Enough for today.

Tuesday, February 28, 2017

Burnout

Another day of battling symptoms and burnout. You always feel run down. But I am doing the right things in general to protect myself. I just have to realize that traumatic energy can affect you on a cellular and genetic level.

Constant exhaustion.

Monday, February 27, 2017

Sorry to Be Away

Sorry to be away for a few days. It's been a real struggle to not dissociate. Had a dissociative relapse and it's a struggle to know what's real and what isn't. You scream and fight to not black out. You have to fight back.

You have to protect yourself. Don't let your guard down so that you'll slip. Burnout never goes away. But you have to protect yourself.

Wednesday, February 22, 2017

Face Your Pain

The pain is always there. You do your best to set boundaries and to protect your well being. But the pain never goes away.

If you don't have it and let your guard down, a triggering thing could literally kill you. I have no desire to off myself. But it's important to face this head on.

Screen everything. Your health is both physical and mental. You can't just sit back and do nothing. You scream and fight to not black out.

At the end of the day, you're too wiped out to do anything. But you have to face your pain.

Protect yourself.


Tuesday, February 21, 2017

Balance

You try to not go to sleep being wired from watching too much TV. No late night snacks, caffeine or sugar rushes or dissociating. Despite that the nightmares still happen. There's never a set pattern to them. But at times you suddenly open your eyes and wonder. Am I dissociating? What's real and what isn't?

When was the last time I got a good night's sleep? I can't remember. Usually you try to fall asleep and then wake up every hour. Then by 3 or 4 a.m., you might get one hour of sleep. Many times no. Which means you might go for two or three days before you just collapse from exhaustion. This puts more stress on you for salt and sugar to help stimulate your system. When in fact it does just the opposite.

Is there a cure for PTSD? No there isn't. It's like having any other incurable health problem in the sense of you do your best. But the pain is always there. Triggering things are always there. Let your guard down for a second at the wrong time and some people kill themselves. Why? There's a difference between logically saying suicide is bad and wanting to instantly end pain. I would never do that. But at times though you feel like you're one step short of that.

What's the answer? One thing is to face your trauma history head on as best you can. Denial used to be a massive problem. I still have bad days with it. But now I can admit that I'm a rape survivor, and that I did nothing wrong. But the pain is always there.

Some days I just want quiet. No noise. No being bombarded with pain. No having to feel like it's my responsibility to get rid of Trump and save the world. Actually it's not. I have my avenues online to speak out. Occasionally, something else opens up in media. In the past I would almost always say yes to potential interviews. Now almost always I say no. UNLESS everything about it is positive and it could help somebody. While I'm not a nationally or internationally known name, I have worked in various parts of media (both on air and behind the scenes). So I understand how people can be manipulated for the sake of ratings. I mean, we ARE running a business here.

Why do people say and do horrible things? I'm not sure. But I do know that nobody forces them to do that. Which means they deal with the consequences of their behavior. There's a long history of horrible abuse in my "immediate" family. Someday when the parents die, if I feel confused and a sense of relief along with sadness am I bad person? I asked my psychiatrist once about this. Her response was no. There's no law that says when someone dies you must say and do certain things. Society may dictate certain behaviors. But you don't have to follow those.

How do you deal with your pain and flashbacks? Sometimes when I have moments of clarity I also feel paralyzed. I don't know what to do. Usually I just sit quietly and say I want to feel safe. I want to feel safe in my own home. I don't want to be bombarded with pain.

Protect yourself.


Monday, February 20, 2017

Face Your Trauma History

A holiday here in the States. But, cold and raining as well. Which means lots to catch up on inside. The pain is always there. Try really hard to not dissociate. Don't set yourself up to slip and then literally vanish.

You can't control what horrible people do and say. You can't save the world singlehandedly. But you can set boundaries and try to protect your well being.

You have to fight back. You can't just sit back and do nothing. You have to protect yourself.

Crippling despair still happens. Just face it as best you can and keep going.

Protect yourself.

Saturday, February 18, 2017

Nobody Helped Us

Another day of fighting symptoms. We have circulation pain from heart failure. Arthritis. Cirrhosis of the liver.     Complex dissociative disorder. Some days you feel like you have some sense of balance. On others you're one step short of killing yourself.

That's one key to remember. One tiny trigger not dealt with can lead to suicide. It won't in my case. But in that moment of despair there's a difference between acting logically and acting to end pain.

Protect yourself.

Thursday, February 16, 2017

Lots of Pain

Today we said time to rest. Slept in and managed to do an easy workout. Pain is still there from lots of sources. Later I'll have to make new doctor appointments. It's like exhaustion is always there, no matter what you do.

Protect your well being.

Wednesday, February 15, 2017

Appointments and More

Two doctors appointments and a heart test. The good news? My heart function rate (ejection/fraction rate) is holding steady at 45%. Still below normal and my endurance is still down. But also, my back and leg pain is getting better. I can start to move now and have a little less pain. Is it arthritis? Is it trauma body pain memory? I'm not sure.

Pay attention to tiny things in how you feel. In the past, you'd blow it off. Now, no.

Protect yourself.

Tuesday, February 14, 2017

Chronic Pain

The lower back pain is getting worse. Tomorrow I have 2 doctor appointments. So I'll ask LOTS of questions about this and other problems.

I can walk. But I have to do it slowly.
The slightest shift in weight is painful.
Easy slow stretching is painful.
Now I have pain all thru my hips and all thru my spine.

Is part of it trauma body pain flooding out? I thin it is. But is it something else as well?
I'm not sure. But whatever it is, I don't want to end up with severe pain killer addictions
again.

Hope you're well.

Friday, February 10, 2017

Face Your History

As best you can, face your trauma history head on. UNLESS it endangers you in any way. When  we do, there's nothing to hide behind. The pain is always there. You're one step short of killing yourself. You'll never do it. But the despair is there.

You just try to stick with we're not abnormal in any way. Your symptoms are a reflection of your trauma history. We're following the right things.

Protect yourself.

Thursday, February 9, 2017

Fight to Not Dissociate

The car accident happened two days ago. Nobody got hurt and now I'm driving a rental as my car gets fixed. But symptoms are still there.

Being in tight spaces is difficult. Flashbacks happen when you least expect it. Don't dissociate. No matter what.

Protect yourself as best you can.

Tuesday, February 7, 2017

Trying to Stay Grounded

A long day with symptoms, pain and trying to protect myself. It feels like you have nothing to hide behind. But that's a good thing.

No matter what, don't dissociate. Protect yourself.

Monday, February 6, 2017

Face Your Trauma History Head On

Another day of battling symptoms and feeling like you're on the edge of something really horrible. You won't hurt yourself or anyone else. But you have nothing to hide behind.

Ever heard of Romeo Dallaire? He was a Canadian Army Colonel who was in command off the UN contingent in Rwanda when their massacre happened. Since then, he tried to kill himself four times and was diagnosed with horribly severe PTSD. Now with treatment he's relatively stable. But the symptoms will always be there.

There is no cure for PTSD. Triggers are everywhere and can happen at any time. You many not have any desire to hurt yourself or someone else. Then, that can change in a split second.

You know you're not a monster. You know it's not your fault. But that pain will always be there.

How do you cope? Try to face it head on, unless it endangers you in some way. Like all PTSD patients, I struggle with really horrible stuff every day. I know it's not my fault. But the pain will always be there.

You don't want to hurt anybody. You just want to feel safe.


Saturday, February 4, 2017

Listen to Tiny Things

Fight symptoms and don't set yourself up to dissociate and black out. We can never get any real sleep at night. This means struggling during the night and then staying in bed till we can focus and finally get into the day.

You're constantly fighting exhaustion. You're also can't sit back and do nothing. At times, you feel like you're detoxifing and can barely move.

You just want to feel safe.

Thursday, February 2, 2017

Detoxifing? Or Something Else?

We're really trying hard to stay away from salt and sugar as much as possible. You can't go 100 percent organic. But you do your best.

That being said, I never get very much sleep these days. This means always feeling run down during the day. Trying to keep the diet healthy helps to a certain degree in dealing with PTSD symptoms. But they're still there.

Set boundaries and try to protect yourself. At times I have no TV days. Sometimes, just no noise. I've thought about trying to go to some retreat somewhere. What about moving to one and being able to walk on the beach or go run? Sometimes I just sit and try to focus my chi. But it's always a battle.

Protect yourself.

Wednesday, February 1, 2017

Protect Yourself

Fight symptoms all day long. Stay away from salt and sugar as much as possible. Pay attention to small things in how you feel. Set boundaries and if necessary, turn everything off.

I know it's not my fault. But you still feel paralyzed. Does this ever go away? No. Then again, I'm doing the right things to protect my well being.

Don't dissociate. Do something else. Protect yourself.

Tuesday, January 31, 2017

Fighting Symptoms

Another day of fighting symptoms. Clean up a lot on the laptop to protect yourself. How many paid trolls are online? Be proactive instead of passive in a good way.

Also, protect yourself.

Monday, January 30, 2017

Fighting for Some Stability

More of fighting symptoms and trying to not get caught in a what's-the-point-of-continuing loop of thinking. You have to protect your well being as best you can. Some days I have no TV and no noise. Just peace an quiet. I want to feel safe in my own home.

I can admit I'm a rape survivor. I know it wasn't my fault. But the symptoms are still there. By the end of the day what else can you do?

Protect yourself.

Friday, January 27, 2017

Recognize the Signs

Individually, I can't kick Trump out of the White House. But I can point out that mentally ill people do not belong in that job. Trump believes that torture works. You might say, well at least he doesn't have that ridiculous bullshit hang up about saying "enhanced interrogation techniques" instead of torture. That being said, keep these in mind:

Torture never works.
You will say and do ANYTHING to make it stop.
I know from first hand experience. I was tortured by 3 psycho pedophiles.
There is no cure for PTSD.
Some torture survivors end up having psychotic breaks because of it.
Anyone who thinks torture is good is mentally ill.

The corporate press won't say Trump is mentally ill because they're scared to death of him. If I criticize him, he'll get me fired. Even if I'm telling the truth (he's a habitual liar, racist, mentally ill and more), that doesn't matter. The tiniest criticism of him must be instantly crushed. Every person in the media is the enemy. We must destroy them at all costs.

Now, what are other world leaders saying about Trump? Are they scared? Are they laughing hysterically? What kind of psychological profile files do foreign intelligence services (MI6, Mossad, CSIS, ASIS and others) have on Trump?

I can't save the world from Trump single handedly. But I can be aware and do what I can while protecting my well being. If I didn't, how could you live with yourself?

Wednesday, January 25, 2017

Pay Attention to Tiny Things

Another doctor's appointment. We talked some about body memory, an how I feel that it's flooding out. Tomorrow, a physical therapist for more of the same. It feels like it's body memory and pain. But also, my awareness of that and balance is sharper. Chips (crisps to the rest of the world) and salsa every night? No thanks. Too acidic. I'm really trying to pay attention to p/h balance.

Protect yourself.

Tuesday, January 24, 2017

Pain and Symptoms

Fighting symptoms and body pain that hits at all times. What else hits all the time? Body memory. You just want to keep some sense of being grounded.

Protect yourself.

Monday, January 23, 2017

Sadness

Fighting symptoms and trying to keep some sense of being grounded. But lately there have been big mood swings. A normal part of healing from your trauma. But still rough to deal with.

You just want to protect yourself.

Sunday, January 22, 2017

Protect Yourself

How many days now? It's Day 2 of Trump World, and you don't have a choice. Everything that Trump says is a lie. The tiniest thing that makes him look less than 100% perfect at all times must in his view be instantly crushed. Anything he says is the truth. No matter how bizarre.

This is one of many signs of a dictator. I know for a long time we tried to keep this blog only about healing from trauma. But now that's expanded. We don't have a choice.

Our suggestions? The days of blindly trusting everything you see on TV or read in the paper are long gone. Do your homework and question everything.

Symptoms are still there. Also, lately painful flashbacks. But I know we're doing the right things to protect ourselves. You can't just sit back and do nothing.


Saturday, January 21, 2017

Painful Days

Did you survive Trump's Inauguration Day okay? At the critical moment, I turned away from the TV. Now, it's protect yourself as best you can.

Also, fighting symptoms as well. You can't just sit back and do nothing. If others choose to be horrible in what they say and do, they deal with the consequences.

Protect yourself.

Wednesday, January 18, 2017

Loans, the ACA and More

Two days to go till the end? That's how many are seeing it. Aside from actually seeing Trump in the White House, just saying or the thought of he's ACTUALLY there is scary.

One key part of this? Despite all of the starting talk of I want health care for everyone, actually, Trump doesn't. As President, he will have 24/7 access to the BEST HEALTH CARE in the world. As for the public? You're not allowed to have that. We can't have "socialism". In 2017, that's a silly, boring and stupid attempt at an insult. For all of our intl. audience. The U.S. is the ONLY civilized (maybe that's debateable) country IN THE WORLD  with NO national health care. When you see this, how do you react? Are you sad? Are you angry? Are you laughing hysterically? Are  you saying thank God I don't have to take out extra health coverage if I go to the States?

None of these "geniuses" debating this issue seem to understand a basic point. The mere fact that you know that you don't have (or aren't "qualified"/allowed) to have health coverage is extremely stressful. Which in turn will make you sick, or possibly kill you. But that doesn't matter. There is no national health emergency. All that matters is corporate money and power. Corporations use it to control politicians and the media. Everybody makes millions. Outside the US, how many countries have TV networks where 98% of the ads are for drugs? The US drug industry is a TRILLION dollar a year industry. How many doctors are afraid to piss off drug company salespeople and possibly get fired? I see them all the time.

Had another dental appointment today. Had an exam and will need a lot of expensive treatment. Only a tiny part of it is covered by my health coverage. Which meant negotiating for 2 hours with the office manager to have them help me apply for a small loan to help pay for it. Basically, the deal is flexible and I got the most protection I could to do this. So I will be able to get all the treatment I need. Note: many people in the U.S. have to pay for dental treatment on installment plans. Because it's so expensive.

Do you have to do that where you live?


Monday, January 16, 2017

More Pain

No sleep at all last night. Then, more cramps. Are they just muscle cramps, or blood clots? Then, chest pain.  Thank God tomorrow doctors offices and my health group will be open.

You just want to feel safe.

Sunday, January 15, 2017

Lots of Pain

Lots of pain today. Dental pain. Body memory. You think you have some sense of being grounded. But then it feels like everything that feels normal is gone. You HAVE to fight back to regain that grounding.

You just want to feel safe.

Friday, January 13, 2017

Pain and Some Grounding

A rough start today as you're bombarded with pain. You scream and try to get the pain and anger out without blacking out. You don't have a choice. You have to get it out. Then, you try to go thru your day without blacking out.

Later, you start to have more of a sense of being grounded. The symptoms are still there. Body memory and other pain is still there. But you know you're doing the right things. Just taking more meds will only be a band aid. It won't get to the source of the problems. Same thing with acupuncture and reiki. Both can be helpful. But they're band aids.

You just want to feel safe. But you have to fight to not fall apart.

Protect yourself.

Wednesday, January 11, 2017

ACA and More

Fighting symptoms and body memory. You don't do or eat something that would cause an allergic reaction. Yet rashes and bruises happen. Everything is connected.

The battle to destroy Obamacare, Medicaid, Medicare and Social Security continues. Ideally, that's what the Republicans want. Destroying the Affordable Care Act would literally kill 10 percent of the population (roughly 30 million people). From Trump on down, they literally don't care. The US Senate will be up all night, voting on literally hundreds of items connected to the ACA. So far, nothing's being passed. All blocked along party lines.

It really is a battle for money and power.

Monday, January 9, 2017

More Pain

Trying to keep some sense of being grounded. You have to do something. You can't just sit back and do nothing. Protect yourself.

As for Trump, do what you can to make things better. That way, you keep your self respect.

Sunday, January 8, 2017

There Is No Cure

A lot of people debate about having PTSD. Is it a mental illness? is It a disability? I look at it like it's a health problem. I have other health problems as well:

chronic heart disease
permanent scarring of the liver
arthritis
severe adrenal burnout
and more

I try as best I can to deal with these and to protect my well being. Health being both physical and mental. Not two seperate things.

You just want to feel safe, an not always under attack.

Saturday, January 7, 2017

Daily Pain

Another day of pain. I'm really trying to stick to the idea that everything is connected. Long term untreated severe stress can make you susceptible to a wide range of diseases. I can leave my house, but my chi flow is always down. It's like you're constantly being bombarded with pain flooding out. I think much of it is undealt with trauma pain.

We're just trying to protect our well being. Like anyone, you just want to feel safe.

Friday, January 6, 2017

Lots of Pain

You can barely get any sleep at all at night. Then, when you wake up, you're in incredible pain in your lower back. I have trouble standing up and trying to focus my chi so I can at least move and shift my weight. I try to eat some breakfast, and just sitting is painful. Then I take a shower and do stretching with hot water spraying over my spine. This helps to increase chi flow so then you feel like you can actually move more. You exercise and try to strengthen your core. But the pain is still there.

My GP says I have arthritis in my right knee. What's causing the lower back, hip and leg pain? I think it's my backed up trauma pain flooding out. Add to that circulation pain, my PTSD symptoms and heart problems.

But despite all of that, I did nothing wrong. I'm a rape survivor who has lots of health problems that I feel are interconnected. I'm just trying to protect our well being. We can't singlehandedly stop Trump. But you do your best to protect your well being.

Flashbacks happen and painful dissociating. Stimulants make dissociating worse. So we try to stay away from those as much as possible.

Coming up. More tests and appointments. We just want to feel safe.

Thursday, January 5, 2017

Protect Yourself

The silly "debate" about destroying the Affordable Care Act continues. In the rest of the world, health care is a human right. Here, it's about literally a war over money and power (both corporate and personal).

One important thing that all health care people should remember. Patients are not just case files that you rack and stack for maximum profit. If you don't pay attention to their concerns, that in my view is irresponsible. You just don't treat people like that. If in business you listen to the customers concerns, why can't you do the same in health? Or is it just cut throat and purely about profit?

Protect yourself.

Wednesday, January 4, 2017

Lots of Pain

Another day of fighting symptoms and circulation pain. In the past 9 months, I've had at least 4 severe cramps. Are these because of the trauma stress which depletes my body's nutrients? Or, are these blood clots? So far, no doctor has said clots. Now, tomorrow I'll tell my next doctor and see what they say.

For our international audience, the battle over ending the ACA (Affordable Care Act) continues. This means that if it passes and is signed by President Trump, 30 million (roughly 30 per cent) of the US population will have NO health coverage. This will endanger the health, safety and well being of the public. This is also an impeachable offense for politicians. Nw, how far would the Democrats get in a mass impeachment process? I don't know.

Instead of having single payer like the rest of the world, it's back to the usual cut throat money and power games that politicians love to have. Do all politicians love money and power? If they're honest, yes they do. Even people like Jeremy Corbyn in the UK. He just uses these things in a decent and rational way to actually try to make society better. Yet, even in there, people are scared to death of the SOCIALIST label. We just can't have that. Instead, the Labour Party is convinced that Tory Lite is the proper way to go. Also, let's bring back Tony Blair. Doesn't matter that he's despised by millions and should be tried as a war criminal. Apparently, Theresa May has the same policy as Obama does. We just don't prosecute former leaders because, well that's just FAR TOO devisive. We need to just form a circle, join hands, dance and look forward to a exciting new day.

Now, tell that to the victims of these war crimes, their families and friends.

Protect yourself.

Monday, January 2, 2017

Protect Yourself

Fighting symptoms all day long. Also, occasional psychosis symptoms as well. Examples. Thinking someone's trying to break in and kill us. Feeling like we're possessed and a monster's going to destroy us. It's like fighting pain all day long.

But the fact that I know they're there, they're not real and that they bother me is a scary but good sign. If I didn't care, then I'd be a total sociopath. Which I'm not.

We just want to feel safe. When was the last time we actually got some sleep at night? Can't remember.

Sunday, January 1, 2017

The New Year

Happy 2017. Hope your part of the world is starting off okay. Here it's been fighting symptoms and the medical system. I had two tests done, and it's a struggle to get correct information. Do you have the right test results? No, you have the wrong one. People are calling me and then mention tests. But they don't say which one. So this means first go see my cardiologist. then possible have a another cancer screening test.

At times it's just lots of pain. I know I did nothing wrong. But you feel like there's no escape. You just want to keep some sense of being grounded. You just want to protect yourself.

I haven't had a dissociative relapse in almost a month. I don't want to literally disappear and not care. You have to protect yourself.

You just want to feel safe.