Fight and don't dissociate. Don't put yourself in a position where you'll slip and black out. Pain is always there. You never get a break.
Part of it also is your immune system. My diet was so poisonous for so long that I'm still dealing with detoxifying from it. Your symptoms are a reflection of the severity of your history. We did nothing wrong. But symptoms are always there.
Don't black out
You have to protect yourself
You just want to feel safe.