Sunday, February 28, 2010

Trying to Get Help

Trying to stay warm and focused. Earlier today we were fighting hard against dissociating and body memory. We've also been betting ourselves up (htting) because at times we're terrified.

It's common for guy suvivors to have bizzare thoughts:

I'm not gay. But because this happened to me I am. And I'll never have a normal straight relationship.

NOTE: If anyone reading this is gay, please understand. It's nothing personal. If someone else is gay, fine. If it were up to us, you want to get married? Go ahead and be happy. It's just that for us being gay is a totally alien thing. Just one view.

So finally we sat down and said we need help. We're trying different sources to see if there's something else we can do to keep our stress hormones down. Usually symptoms happen at the worst times. What else can we do?

It's still debilitating when you have to fight lucid dreams all day long. You have to also fight to not get stuck with your fight-or-flight mechanism.

Tomorrow it's back to the universal health care office. And trying other sources to get application information. If that doesn't work, then it's commercial coverage. Where literally anything is a pre-existing condition.

A Rough Start to Your Day

Didn't get much sleep last night. This morning, we had to fight really hard to not fall apart (due to symptoms). The worst seem to be body memory. Physical sensations of being raped, bruises from being pinned down and others.

You have to focus and fight back (even though it's not real). Now, we feel like we can focus. But at times the despair is really bad.

How do we deal with it? Compartmentalize. Also, you're not responsible for what others say and do. Which means protect yourself at all costs. Set up boundaries and use various tools to do that.

Do you still have body memory from being raped? How do you not get eaten alive by anger and frustration? Please pass on any constructive tips.

And have a nice day.

Saturday, February 27, 2010

A Nice Sunny Day

Happy weekend. Enjoyed a free breakfast from the apt. management here (does anybody say landlord anymore?). Now time for some shopping and some herbal tea. How many herbs can one take?

HTP-5 twice a day seems to be the right dosage. Three times and we're ready to nod off. Still have all the symptoms and occasional crippling despair. But like we told someone a few days ago, we just turn things off and go for a walk or play. My multiples and little kid like to draw, play with our cars. Or look online and see what's going on in the world. But everything is still edited.

Trauma survivor tip for the day: Here in the States, Verizon is going to finally add Skype apps to their mobiles (why do Americans say "cell phone" anyway?). If you get this, you can bypass the mobile minutes. But you're using your monthly data allowance. We checked. And there's no totally free way to call another mobile (except for Virgin Media in the U.K.). Nice job, Sir Richard Branson.

You can have "Family and Friend" numbers which are one way toll free (from you to the other person). Very handy if you need to call a crisis line and not get stuck with massive overages.

And, if you're overseas and need help, you can work off of your laptop. Or, go with a satellite phone. Iridium is still the best brand at the moment. And per-minute card rates are down to about $1.00.

The point is creatively networking. And protection at all times. But if you want a secure phone, don't even try (unless you work for the govt.). Satellite phone companies don't sell these to the public.

Thursday, February 25, 2010

A Survivor's Perspective

Did you see any of the Great Health Summit? If not, don't feel bad.

Why? Because in six hours, literally nothing was accomplished. Obama (Mr. Bi-Partisanship) was trying to give different people chances to speak. But what came out were talking points.

From the neocon side it was almost like subtitles. We hate your guts. We're still pissed off that you're President (and not McCain). And we're going to destroy you. We can't be openly racist because then we'll lose our jobs in this global economic meltdown. Which means we'll do everything short of that.

Today, some people became homeless because of no health coverage. Some people also died from lack of coverage.

Why did this happen? Hypocracy, stupidity and greed.

Will any of these panelists lose sleep tonight thinking about these people? No.

Have any of them ever been denied coverage? No.

Se. Jay Rockefeller made a speech about the evil insurance firms. What he didn't say was he's one of the biggest recepients of their money. NOT ONE person in the room challenged him on that. Then again, did you really expect them to?

How many vets killed themselves this week because of not being able to get the proper treatment?

Both sides have taken in millions from the anti-single-payer lobby. Which means that they just don't care. Endless posturing and we must win in November. That's all that matters. Millions of people bombard Congress for single payer. And the Power Elite (call them what they are) still say screw you to the public.

If a commercial health coverage firm found out we have PTSD, we can be denied. For that or literally anything they want. And it's all perfectly legal.

Why won't Obama declare a National Emergency and implement single payer? Because (a) his career will be over. And (b)he doesn't have the guts to stand up to his party and do what's necessary.

How much do you wanna bet many Obama supporters will still vote for him in 2012?

And finally, if the worst happens and we literally can't get health care anywhere, does this mean we have to emigrate? Many people are doing that right now. From an immigration point of view, health care is a human right. You then could file for refugee status. If I stay here and get sick, there's a good chance I'll be bankrupt, homeless. And then possibly die.

That's all in the U.N. Charter of Human Rights. It's there just like intl. law. The rest of the world sees that.

So how come not here?

Coverage for Everybody

How much weirder can it get? Today Obama is chairing the Big Health Care Summit. He says he doesn't want it to be "political theater." Yet, that's exactly what it is.

A few questions:

Have any of these people ever been denied coverage due to "pre-existing" conditions?

The rest of the world has universal care. And they seem to be doing just fine. How come we can't here?

How much money have these panelists received from the anti-single-payer lobby?

How much of blocking everything Obama's doing is because of racism (subtle of course. But it's still there)?

True or false: Chris Hedges says that the insurance industry makes money off of death.

Many things in the States are already socialized. Yet, it's almost illegal to say the word "socialism". If socialism is so bad, then why did Obama bail out the banks?

How do kids feel being used as a political football re: health care?

30% of the Stateside population has some form of PTSD. And, that's a "pre-existing" condition.

Anything other than single payer is NOT health care reform. Why would anyone willingly pay more for something that doesn't help them?

Back to job hunting. So we don't end up homeless again.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Protection Comes First

Happy Wednesday. Finally got a good night's sleep for a change. And so far so good.

Thanks for all the support. While we know that protection comes first, you also have to grab opportunities when they come up. Here's one that we need some help with.

If you like what you're reading here, please contact a new BBC program re: blogs worldwide. If we talk to them directly, then we're outed. But if you could email them and tell them about us (without outing yourself as well), then the world gets out. And nobody gets hurt.


Have a nice day.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Universal Care Part II

Just got back from the unversal health care office. And as usual, there are extra forms to submit that nobody told us about. But, we have 14 days to do it. So you deal with it.

Lots of talk right now about a public option in health care. When we lived abroad, we were under universal care. And it saved us a lot of money (almost $10,000 over a ten year period).

The rest of the world knows that it works. Do they pay higher taxes? Actually, no. Here in the States, people pay more (in premiums, deductables and other stuff). And what does it get you? Many times a denial.

Name one other country in the world that will deny citizens health care due to:

being a rape survivor
being too short or too tall
being too fat
and who knows what else is next

FYI: The number of people here who go abroad for health care is growing. The number of people who emigrate for health care is growing. If you try for a single policy, do you stand a chance of getting it?

Legally speaking, health coverage is a contract. If you falsify it, the provider could sue you for fraud. But also, they can deny you for literally anything the want. They can lie to you over the phone, to your face. Or on their web site. And unless you have a lot of money and a great attorney, nobody will touch them.

Another idea. Some people go public to try and get action. While activism is great, the whole world will know about your medical history. And if you're out of work, how do you deal with that?

Most commercial health coverage provides for 20 therapy sessions in a year. How many trauma survivors can be cured in 5 months? We've never met one.

Slightly off-topic. Today, Congress is having hearings about Toyota's recall. Many of the Congresspeople on the committee have received millions in "campaign contributions" from Toyota. What transparency.

The Word's Getting Out

Happy Tuesday. Welcome to our new audience in Canada and the Phillippines.

The 5-HTP seems to be helping some. We still have all the usual symptoms. But also we're paying more attention to the effects of everything on you.

Also, your emotions and how that affects your immune system. Can we scientifically prove that positive thinking alone will cure all diseases? No. On the other hand, look at this way. For thousands of years people have used chi (body energy) and other tools to stay healthy. Have you ever heard of anyone of them being sued? We haven't.

In other parts of the world, doctors are rewarded for keeping people well. In the U.K., many doctors are on salary. They get bonuses for the more patients that stay healthy. Yet in the States, the truth is that commercial health care makes money off death.

What happens if everyone is healthy? What would doctors do with huge overhead? If universal health care is so terrible, why do millions worldwide use it? And generally lead happier lives overall as a result?

Time to apply for our local universal care.

Monday, February 22, 2010

Here's a Question for You

Thanks for the growing support worldwide. The word's getting out. And it's nice to see more people feeling safe in checking us out.

Your hot tip for the day. And a question. All at the same time.

We all know about akaline and acidic foods. Ideally, you want a balance of 70% akaline and 30% acidic. If there's too much acid, your odds are higher of having a wide range of health problems.

Raw tomatoes are acidic. Yet they're a good source of seratonin. For some people, they're a problem that causes skin problems.

If you eat processed tomatoes (in spaghetti sauce, salsa, etc.), is this too much acidity that's making dissociating worse? We think it is. One source says to try yellow tomatoes (which have a lower acidic content).

If we eat too much red tomato based stuff, we can't concentrate. Even after drinking lots of akaline water to balance it out.

Any thoughts on this? Feel feel to post or email?

Sunday, February 21, 2010

At Times There's More Awareness

Just got back from a free Apple seminar. We'll hold off on maybe getting a lap or desktop for now. But we're trying to be more flexible in PC and Mac formats. Gotta protect yourself.

Speaking of protection, we're at home right now and really focusing on deep breathing and boundaries. Dissociating and other symptoms still happen (usually at the worst times). Which then means more editing of everything.

Adrenalin surges are tough to handle. Try driving with no place to pull over and suddenly you can't feel a foot. Part of your leg is numb. You have to focus and push back hard to get your balance back (and not have an accident all at once). Does this happen to you? How do you deal with it?

In a crowded place, you feel like you're getting assaulted with stimulus. How do you manage it and get thru the day? You try not to snap and scream. But you feel like you're this close to blacking out. How do you stay grounded?

You already know this. But we'll mention it again. Trauma has to come out (hopefully in a non-threatening way). Have your ever literally blacked out because of it? Your system has so much stress that you black out. Then, when you come to you have no idea of what happened, where you are. Nothing at all.

It's been a while since that's happened to us. Yet, what choice do you have other to fight back? Nothing else has helped us.

Post a comment or email to ptsdsurvival at Thanks for the growing support. And hi to our growing Canadian audience.

Saturday, February 20, 2010

Cut Everything Off When Necessary

Just got back from shopping. Before that, we came home and turned everything off. No Blackberry, nothing online. And just chilled out.

Right now, as little sugar as possible. We tried going cold turkey, but it was too tough. Instead, a little in the morning, and that's it. Also, we're trying 5-HTP to help with seratonin.

What helps your balance? The nightmares still happen. But like we told someone earlier today, you have to fight back.

Time for dinner.

Friday, February 19, 2010

It's All Connected

Lots of stuff this week online about the body/mind connection. As we find them we'll post links here. If you come across others, please post or email.

One thing we're noticing is that there's more awareness of the effects of stuff on you. Food, drinks, triggers and more; there's a feeling of that's enough. Now, how do you keep your balance?

If you're getting bombarded by stimulus, how do you cope? We still take the Blackberry or I-Pod and plug in the headphones. Because in many places the muzak is just too bloody loud. You have to protect yourself.

What about the fight-or-flight mechanism? Do you have to focus hard and push back to not be stuck in an endless loop? We still have to do that.

Part of the answer is to really stay away from stimulants. Caffeine, salt and sugar. Also, tomatoes. Anything tomato-based is way too triggering. We still don't know all of the reasons for that. But we do know to stay away.

Another idea: the connection between your emotions and your immune system. If you suppress the emotions, the immune system is severly affected. Which means for many trauma survivors, you really have to set boundaries.

Take the anger in segments. Compartmentalize. You're not avoiding it. You're trying to deal with it in a non-triggering way. And see what happens.

More links on the way.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Lots of Headaches and More

Lots of migrane headaches last night. We ended up going to bed really early. And then getting up really early. Who needs an alarm clock...

We're really being careful with avoiding triggers as much as possible. Lots of editing and trying to stay grounded. One key is to trust your intuition. At times, don't overthink why is this bad. Instead, avoid it and see what happens next.

It's all part of that mind-body connection. Feel free to post comments or email to ptsdsurvival at

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Clarity. And Then Crippling Despair

Fighting hard to not snap in two. One minute there's some clarity. Then crippling despair.

We try not to dwell on the nightmares. The lucid dreams. Literally no one paying attention and laughing in our face as we turn away and scream to not fall apart.

Which means protection. Keep going in a positive direction to maintain our balance. There's no one specific thing that my multiples or little kid is trying to get out. It's a matter of all the trauma coming out.

Feel free to post or email.

Monday, February 15, 2010

This Needs To Be Looked At

Normally in this dog-eat-dog Net world we don't just give away free links to anybody. But in this case, we'll make an exception.

In a recent U.K. survey, over 50% of those questioned said that rape victims were to blame for what happened to them. We've thought about posting there (and possibly outing ourselves to make a point).

But instead, we'll do it this way:

See it for yourself and post a comment if you want to. As for us, we have to fight back the anger of reading stupid comments like this.

Trauma 101: Rape is a crime of control, yes? Both men and women can be the rapist and the victim. It sells more papers and gets bigger ratings if it's a woman. Or, a little kid who was yet again "abused" by a neighborhood priest. Nice and neat soundbites.

Now reality. 10% of the population in the States have PTSD. Are any of the suicides in the military due to guys being rape survivors (and having nowhere else to turn to)? Why is it impossible to deal with the fact that a guy in the military could be attacked and raped by another guy? Because that doesn't fit into the govt.'s nice and neat packaging of the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan? Nothing controversial, thanks very much.

First, torture is necessary. Now, rape victims are to blame for being raped. And it's only 1:46 p.m.? What the ****'s next before 5?

It's Coming From Everywhere

It's Monday. And everywhere you look, it's depressing:

corporate buying of elections
Iraq and Afghanistan
No single payer health care
Unchecked "sex abuse" (rape) of little kids
and more
torture and people actually saying it's ok. But in reality, it's illegal, immoral and racist. If a white American or Brit were tortured, this would stop overnight. But, as long as it's one of those dark-skinned "terrorists", it's ok?

How do you cope? Consider the reason why the MSM won't deal with the truth in these things.

Profit. We get huge ratings with endless coverage of Tiger Wood's sex life. People love this stuff. Also, we're a huge corporation with tons of money and a huge legal staff. Nobody will mess with us.

If you don't like this, how do you strike back? Chris Hedges has a great idea.

70% of the States economy is consumer driven. Therefore, spend way less money. This cuts into said corporate profit. These guys will spin anything to their advantage. But, they can't ignore a huge drop in their profits.

This does work. the question is, how many people will actually do this?

You won't get arrested. You can do this from the comfort and privacy of your own home.

If millions of people are pissed off about this stuff, why the mass inaction? Really, there's literally nothing holding you back from doing this. Most people are cutting back anyway to try and keep their job and not be homeless. So think of this as an extension of what you're doing anyway.

It's selective activism. Have a nice day.

Sunday, February 14, 2010

Sunny and Nice. How's Your Part of the World?

Kicking back and enjoying some sun. Symptoms are still there. But you do what you have to.

One thing that helps us is selective activism. Speak out, but protection always comes first. Two or three times last week we had opportunities to post stuff about trauma that might get people's attention. But we decided not to.

Why? Because sadly it's still one of those stupid taboos. The MSM still thinks that the public wants nothing to do with PTSD or rape survivors. Unless it's a woman, a vet. Or both.

Can we singlehandedly change the world? Probably not. So, you break it down into segments and work from there.

Thanks for the growing support. Link to this blog everywhere you can.

Saturday, February 13, 2010

Getting a Break (or two)

Staying in tonight and catching up online. Today, lots of shopping to compare PC's and a move to get a Mac (later). The ideal would be a desktop that would allow serious mutltimedia work in a variety of formats. A step at a time.

How are your symptoms? Feeling like you're getting somewhat of a break? How do you deal with a stuck fight-or-flight mechanism? We have to focus really hard and fight back to keep our sense of balance. Now do that 200-300 times a day. And everything else.

When that happens, sometimes we turn things off and just lie down. You scream for hours and fight to not snap. But what else can you do?

Another thing is feeling like you're about ten steps ahead of everyone else. You see the whole picture and nobody else does. Or, they talk about something that seems beyond obvious to you. You're just now seeing this? There are only so many ways to say we need to do something.

Two or three times this week we've had the chance to comment on trauma online. But we didn't because what's the point? When we have, nobody seems to care. Which means ok. We'll stick to the blog and get our points out.

How's your online security? One key is to think like a hacker. If somebody wants to find you, what do they look for?:

Your IP address
A pattern with content, user names, passwords and more

The answer? Block every step. Leave no obvious trail for them to follow. Keep a running list of your usernames and passwords to avoid repetition. The tools are out there and many are free. It's just a matter of being creative.

More as it happens.

Friday, February 12, 2010

Lots of Anger and More

It's Friday. And lots of dissociating and anger. We feel like we're going to snap. But we have to fight back.

It's not just one thing that the multiples and my little kid are terrified of. But it feels like triggers are everywhere. Is it safe to go here? What do we do?

Hyperawareness is still a problem. If someone is behind us, we don't have to turn around. Our awareness is in a wide range all around us. We still think, what do we do if this person attacks us? What's our weapon? We constantly think out ways to strike back before they attack us.

We try to not to trigger others. But we're this close at times to either blacking out or snapping. Then we go home and scream even more to fight to focus.

How are you coping?

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Keeping the Balance

It's Wednesday. And we're still fighting hard to focus.

Lots of anger to deal with. And we're fighitng hard to not snap.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Everything's Really Raw

A rough start today. Lots of dissociating and fighting not to snap.

Everything feels REALLY RAW right now. Almost everything feels like a trigger. Last night we went to the store and almost snapped. Then we went back home and screamed for another hour or two to not snap.

Everything has to be edited. A step at a time.

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Fighting Your Way Through

Working online tonight. And still no personal assistant.

How rae you coping? How do you fight thru your fight-or-flight mechanism when you feel stuck? Do you feel like you're going to black out? Sometimes we do. But what other choice do you have but to fight back.

This means also stay away from all triggers as much as possible. Think for a second. Do we really have to do/listen to/watch/read this? Think of the result before you act. This helps us. But also, at times it can feel like a billion decisions every day. More than the usual day.

Do we go this way and dissociate for hours? Or, do we go the other way?

At times, things feel really raw. So balance is mandatory.

Fighting for Balance

How's your Tuesday? Here, sunny and nice.

It's still hard to focus in the morning. We use ging sing, juice and herbal tea to help focus (and to not get trapped in dissociating). We used to drink lots of caffeine. But caffeine depletes your chi. And it's hard enough to get up (even without PTSD).

Do you still have nightmares? If yes, what usually comes back? For us, at times it feels like everyone who treated us like s**t, laughed in our face. And then just walked away. You scream and look for help. But everywhere you turn, nobody cares.

What do you do then? If literally no one (other than the therapist) gives you a reassuring hug and says it's not your fault, what kind of effect does that have on you? In all of the online research we've done, we've never seen a study that looks at this.

What do we do then? Compartmentalize. That doesn't mean avoid something. It means break it down into segments. And also set boundaries.

Do you really need to do something that maybe has been second nature? Why is it second nature? Is it because everyone tells you it has to be? What happens if you change it?

Set boundaries. And balance is the key.

Sunday, February 7, 2010

14 Instead of 10

The Saints win it 31-17. So we were off by four.

We're really being careful with editing. No news (other than sports). No commercials. Which means listening in ten minute segments. We only buy a paper on Sunday. But nothing else.

Protection comes first. We always go out with a Blackberry or the IPod. We need headphones to be able to cope. And, there are a few decent apps available. But we'll see how they work out.

We're trying lots of massage to help with adrenalin surges. But it's a real battle at times to focus. You have to focus and push back hard to maintain your balance. Now, do this about 100 times a day. And, everything else that you need to do.

At the end of the day,you're competely exhausted.

Does this happen to you? What helps you? Feel free to pass on your comments. Post or email to ptsdsurvival at

The Pick and More

Happy Mega Super Bowl Blowout. Our pick: the Saints by 10.

How are your symptoms? We're focusing on staying grounded and really watching the sugar intake. We're doing better with herbal tea(which means no caffeine).

What's keeping you grounded?

Saturday, February 6, 2010

Staying in Right Now

We're at home and really trying to focus. So, as much as possible, no triggers. No news, no comments on blogs, etc. Instead, som herbal tea. Make our pick for the Super Bowl tomorrow. And carefully edit everything.

Can you disconnect for a day? Only listen to and watch something that's necessary. No Blackberry, but an IPod is ok. No news whatsoever (except for sports).

Can you cope with this? Or, do you go into severe withdrawl? In our case, at times we feel like we're getting assaulted. Not only in the sense of feeling like we're going to be raped again, but also by tirggers everywhere. One leads to a million.

What helps you to deal with this? A holistic diet? Exercise? Holding onto solid things where you are?

What about keeping a knife close by? We keep one in the room to feel safer. If we go into some high security area, no. But you have to protect yourself.

Try to compartmentalize. This doesn't mean ignore anger or some other symptom. Instead, say, set this aside. And deal with it in segments.

Every night, the multiples, little kid and I have our meeting. The rule is I listen to them. But they go as easy as possible.

Anger at times is almost crippling. We feel like we're going to snap in two. You don't want to trigger others or go off on them. But how do you focus on someone else when you're dealing with a lucid dream of some psycho rapist that wants to go down on you?

You don't want to live in parallel realities (make sense?). And you don't want to be numb on some anti-depressant. What do you do in that case?

Protect yourself at all costs.

Weekend Balance

How's your day? A tough start here. But now, we're really working to keep our balance.

How do you cope when you're getting bombarded with stimulus? When we go out, we take the Blackberry or the IPod with headphones. Because you have to protect yourself. Do you feel like in the store they're blasting the Muzak just to get to you? You have to cover yourself.

Do you have problems with body memory, sights, sounds, and more of the psycho(s) that raped you? How do you ground yourself when that happens? You hold onto everything solid in the space you're in. And then if nothing else you scream and fight back. Because you have to.

We still keep a weapon in the room wherever we are. Just in case we need it. It doesn't matter that it's a lucid dream. You have to fight back.

Friday, February 5, 2010

Is It Really Friday?

Yes, it is. How's your day? Welcome to our growing global audience. Keep in mind that we have no connection to any law enforcement agency, intelligence agency, ad agency. You get the idea...

How's your balance? Symptoms are still there. The diet and herbs seem to help the alkaline/acidic balance. Yet at times the despair is still there.

How do you keep you balance? How do you not give into the we-can-singlehandedly-save-the-world frame of mind? It would be nice to be able to save all trauma survivors. But you have to keep your own protection first.

Are your boundaries working for you? We still have nightmares and occasional lucid dreams. You have to focus really hard to not slip.

But maybe the toughest (or one of the toughest?) things to remember is this. You have no control over what other people say and do. Especially regarding trauma.

Which means if necessary you cut them off. Because while that can be tough, what's tougher? You fighting symptoms all day long while these others go out, get loaded. Or have a good time and then sleep at night.

It's okay to say that you come first. Sounds basic. But it's true.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Stay Connected to Your Network

Things are a little better today. Some stuff that we thought would be big expenses are free. So it balances out.

How are your symptoms today? Calcium, magnesium and potassium help to balance out your nervous system and other things as well. Some foods are either too alkaline or acidic and can't be touched.

Do you still have nightmares or flashbacks? My multiples and little kid are still saying it's all the trauma flooding out. And not just one thing that they haven't talked about before.

It's still draining to have to fight adrenalin surges all the time. But then again, what else can you do?

Monday, February 1, 2010

A Long Day in a Really Long Cue

Went to get the drivers license today. And it took all day. Then again, that's why it's called a bureaucracy.

Now that that's done, it's onto the new jobs search. Here, there's more of everything. We'll find something to build up the portfolio again and just have some stability.

How's your battle against symptoms and everything else? The herbal tea and Chinese herbs seem to help some. Also, we're trying for a good night's sleep as well. It's really trying to keep that balance. Especially when you feel like you're going to snap.

Anger still comes out and you feel like you're going to snap in two. The therapist never answered. So it's time to say thanks but move on.

How do you keep your sense of continuity these days?