Saturday, September 19, 2009

One Minute Some Clarity. Then Horrible Dissociating (Contains Strong Content)

How's YOUR weekend? Kind of a weird day in a way. One minute there's a little bit of clarity. Then horrible dissociating, lucid dreams and more.

My therapist keeps saying it's all of the horror of being raped coming out. Is it one multiple lashing out? Or, is it all 25 of them and my little kid letting everything flooding out? My feeling is that it's everything coming out.

How do you cope with feeling almost paralyzed? You exist and you're aware of what's going on around you. Yet, you feel empty. It's like you have to literally shock yourself back to some sense of balance.

Sometimes the flashbacks and lucid dreams happen. You then have to fight back because you do. You don't have a choice. It doesn't matter that it's a "dream". Do you just sit back, be pinned down, raped and then killed? No.

Part of the terror is dissociating. And then realizing that NOBODY is going to help you. You don't exist in their eyes (and various other stupid crap that all survivors have heard). What if nobody touches you? What if nobody (other than your therapist) says I'm sorry you were raped? How are you supposed to react to that?

At times we feel like we're going to snap. No, we don't want to fight thru sick lucid dreams of some psycho rapist going down on you. You don't want to see the sick psycho grandad rapist that says, ever make it with a old man? I'm gonna fuck you till you bleed. And NOBODY will help you. You want to feel some happiness and enjoy the day. But then horrible stretches like this happen.

However, society says shut the fuck up and get on with it. NOBODY wants to hear this crap because it's just too weird. If it's a woman survivor, we can deal with that. But if it's a guy, just fuck off.

How are you supposed to deal with that?

How are you supposed to not feel cheated because of this? It's one thing to say don't let it ruin your life. But then sometimes it's like the old right. My watch says you've had your Official One Minute to Cry. Now fuck off.

There's no comprehension, no sign of intelligent life as this asshole walks away. And yet, you're supposed to be a light switch? You can instantly turn your emotions on and off and just carry on?

It doesn't work like that.

The thing to do then is to protect yourself. Stay away from all triggers as much as possible. Because you don't have a choice

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