Sunday, August 30, 2015

Some Clarity, and Then What?

You fight symptoms all day long. then, when you have brief moments of clarity, you feel paralyzed with despair. What do you do?

Saturday, August 29, 2015

Ups and Downs

One minute, there's some clarity. Then, paralyzing despair. But no matter what, you have to keep going.

Friday, August 28, 2015

Bombarded with Symptoms

I haven't had chest pain for a while. But I other pain all over and have to focus really hard to not dissociate and black out. I don't want to go back to not knowing where I am. I just want to feel safe.

Being on a fixed income is a real challenge. It's not just seniors who have to pick between medication and food. I have the same thing. How do I make this work? How do I cover as much as I can myself? That way, I don't end up with literally nothing and then I'm totally dependent on somebody else.

I just want to feel safe.

Thursday, August 27, 2015

Violent Triggering Stuff is Everywhere

I won't list all of the violent triggering garbage that's everywhere you look. But we know it's there, and you know that you have to protect yourself. Every day it's a constant battle to not dissociate and just fall apart. You can't take on the pain of the world and yours at the same time. However, you can be aware and remember that your well being comes first.

Nightmares still happen. Usually you then wake up and wonder, how do I go back to sleep? Many times I can't, and instead sit in my living room with peace and quiet. Even in the middle of the night, the sick, violent and racist garbage keeps going. If you're not careful, you feel like you're trapped in an endless loop of dissociating. You have to fight back. You don't have the option of doing nothing.

On bad days with anger, you feel like you're going to snap. I have no desire to hurt myself or anyone else. But you have to do the responsible thing. Sometimes in  a crowded place, I just sit. People circulate all around, business keeps on going. Despite that, I just sit and want some sense of safety. Are all of these people psycho terrorists that want to attack and kill me? Probably not. But you do have to protect yourself.

Do you feel like you're the only person that sees all of the hypocracy in the world? I know I'm not. But you still at times have that feeling. I'm six steps ahead of everybody else. I don't want to have a gun in my house to feel safe. I've thought about it. But it's too expensive. So I carry other things with me when I go out. Why? Because I feel safer. At night, I keep my cell phone and a knife next to my bed. You have to protect yourself.

Do you struggle feeling like nobody's listening to you? None of the psychos  that repeatedly raped me were ever prosecuted. Nobody did jail time. I got no compensation. I still have violent flashbacks to being raped and screaming in terror.

Nobody saved me.
People say they care about me. But they want nothing to do with me.
I have no desire to torture or rape little kids. But at times those thoughts are there.

You have to protect your well being. Nobody else will do it for you.

Do you feel abandoned? Do you feel paralyzed and don't know what to do? At times I don't want to answer the phone. I don't want to go out. I just want to feel safe in my own home. If I have nightmares, many times I get up and check all over the house to make sure that nobody's here. You have to do it.

On bad days, I just turn things off and rock back and forth. I just want to feel safe.

Tuesday, August 25, 2015

Don't Snap

Another day of constantly battling to not black out. One part of it is the diet. Keep salt and sugar as low as possible. Both are stimulants, and I was poisoning myself for a really long time. Now, pay attention to tiny things in how you feel.

What's next?

Monday, August 24, 2015

No Matter What, Don't Fall Apart

It's a rough battle right now. You have to fight non-stop to not dissociate and literally vanish. It's like the essence of what makes you you just dissolves. You have to protect yourself. You can't just sit back and do nothing. As you do, it's like you're always exhausted. You're on the verge of snapping. You don't want to hurt anybody. But what else can you do?

Sometimes, I just sit in a crowded place. As people mill around me, it's like you're being bombarded with stimulus and pain. You try to close your eyes, deep breathing and many of the other grounding techniques. But they don't work. What do you do then?

Flashbacks and pain hits you all the time. What's real and what isn't? As flashbacks and pain hit, you're screaming to not snap or black out. You have to fight back. Taking lots of meds isn't the answer. It just makes symptoms worse.

You feel stuck. You feel paralyzed. You can barely breathe. And it never goes away.

Thursday, August 20, 2015

Protect Yourself

As you fight to survive, what's one helpful idea? You're not responsible for other horrible people. You're not responsible for their health (physical or mental). You have to protect yourself.

Sometimes I have brief moments of clarity. When I do, I feel paralyzed and abandoned. But I know we did nothing wrong.

Wednesday, August 19, 2015

Back to Nightmares

I thought I'd have a break for a while. But the nightmares are back. last night, it was fight and kill everyone who was trying to kill me. I got stabbed several times and hung on extremely hard to not die. Even though it was only a dream, I was really struggling to live.

Now, it's struggle in the morning to not dissociate. But what else can you do?

Tuesday, August 18, 2015

A Dissociative Cycle

Back to more appointments and fighting to not fall apart. Nobody else will do it for you. You can't just sit and do nothing.

As you do though, you struggle to not black out from exhaustion. Earlier today my therapist asked, how many times a day do you dissociate? I said, at least 50. It feels like an endless cycle. Then, you rarely have brief moments of clarity. When you do, you also feel terrified, empty and abandoned.

What do you do then?

Saturday, August 15, 2015

Fight Really Hard to Not Fall Apart

You can't sit back and do nothing. You have to fight back. It doesn't matter that the psycho rapist isn't actually there. You have to fight back.

Is it a struggle to try and wake up and not dissociate? It's not the same as knowing your awake and still dealing with last night's dream. You have to focus really hard and fight to not feel almost trapped in a nightmare. What helps? I try to drink something right away so your system has something tangible to deal with. Then, it's fight all day long to not black out.

At the end of the day, you're so tired you can literally barely walk. But what else can you do? If you do nothing, you fall apart. You can't do that.

Fight for a sense of balance.

Friday, August 14, 2015

Do You Ever Detoxify from Trauma?

Finally a day with no appointments. Instead, pick up a new med and then some PC questions for the tech support guy. The good news is that I was right in solutions. Sorry, but I can't be offline for two weeks. I do have an addictive personality. But is my PC use a problem? I don't think so.

Like any other trauma survivor, I'm trying to pay attention to my intuition and follow the right things. Do I really want to go back to alcoholism and other destructive stuff that only made pain worse? No. While everyone is different in their history, I'm struggling with lots of scary things.

It took me a long time to realize it. But one of the psycho rapists that got away with torture drugged me. I don't know what it was. But I do know when you feel like you have no control over you actions, some drug is causing that. Do I have any sympathy for someone like Bill Cosby (if all of the "allegations" against him are true)? No. He should do serious jail time with no chance of parole.

Why won't more people face the fact that he admitted to trying to use drugs to RAPE women? Because he's rich and powerful. And in our currently litigious society, you don't f**k with rich and powerful people. If they see a threat, they will do anything necessary to crush the threat.

Did anybody save me? No.
Did any cops use a rape testing kit (that later would have been lost for about twenty years)? No.
Have lots of people said you freak me out. Go away? Yes.

While I'm not rich and powerful, I deserve to be heard. The fact that I'm a rape survivor isn't the ONLY thing that defines me. But it is part of me. I have no control over what other horrible people say and do. Despite that, I will protect myself.

Do you have days where you feel like you're the only one that sees all of the hypocracy in the world? I do. It's not safe to look at anything. I have some days where I just want quiet. I don't want to feel threatened in my own home. Why? Because nobody else will protect you.

When do you completely detoxify from trauma? I have no idea. But I do know I'm doing the right things right now.

Thursday, August 13, 2015

Tests and Symptoms

Soory to be offline for a while. I thought I had an eye infection. Went to one doctor, and was told to go to the hospital ER for more eye tests. 24 hours (and three tests) later, I just had a scratched eye. After that, just go home and collapse from exhaustion. Now, symptoms are still there. Next week, it's back to more appointments.

Why do I get bombarded with all of these sick and twisted thoughts? I'm not abnormal. But at times you feel like you're going to snap. You have to protect yourself,  and others when necessary.

Sometimes you feel sad and cry all day. But, that's okay. If it doesn't come out in one way, it comes out in others.

Sunday, August 9, 2015

If Not One Symptom, It's Another

Fighting symptoms and now a new infection. Tomorrow I go to one of my doctor's, and we'll see. In all of this, I try to stick to a holistic approach to my health. It's all connected.

Another part of this? Don't dissociate and literally fall apart. On bad days, it's like fighting all day to not drink again. Part of you says this will stop pain. But the rest of you knows that's not true. By the end of the day, you can barely move.

Then again, what else can you do?

Friday, August 7, 2015

More Pain

Got out and managed to exercise today. But there's more chest pain. One minute you feel like you have some energy. The next, you literally can't walk. On the other hand, you can't do nothing. You have to protect yourself.

Don't dissociate. No matter what, do something else. Because dissociating again is like binge drinking. You think it will relieve pain. But it won't. It just makes it worst.

At times, you turn everything off. No noise. I just want to be safe in my own home.

Protect yourself.

Thursday, August 6, 2015

Dealing with Pain

Two new doctor appointments today. Now, in addition to occasional heart pain I have other pain all over. It's not because of working out too hard, or injuring myself. So why do I have it? The second doctor prescribed extra pain medication. Give it two days. If you still have pain, go to an ER and have a blood test done to check for possible infections.

Some days you energy level feels decent. On others, everything hurts. You can barely get out of bed and walk. Add to that all of the other symptoms.

We'll see.

Wednesday, August 5, 2015


Focus and try not to black out. A constant battle to deal with symptoms. Especially hallucinations. You have to fight to keep some sense of reality.

Don't dissociate.

Tuesday, August 4, 2015

Really Painful

Another long day of fighting symptoms. Don't dissociate. Don't black out. Protect yourself. Dissociating will only make pain worse.

You scream and fight to keep some sense of being grounded. You can't do nothing. Many times the usual grounding techniques don't work. What then?

Don't dissociate. Don't black out. On bad days, I just stay home and rest. Protect yourself.

What else can you do?

Monday, August 3, 2015

Back to More Nightmares

I thought maybe I was having a break. But no. It's back to more nightmares and no real sleep. Which means today, just chill. Do what's necessary, and then nothing else. But you still have to fight back to not fall apart from symptoms.

A suggestion. It not your responsibility to save the world. It's good to be aware and wanting to make things better. On the other hand, nobody's paying you to be on call 24/7. Obama chose that lifestyle, and now he's got another 16 months to go. As for the rest of us, you can't take on the world's pain and yours at the same time.

Protect yourself.

Sunday, August 2, 2015

Bombarded with Pain

You try to get a decent night's sleep. But nightmares and other PTSD symptoms won't let you. Then, you wake up in the morning and everything hurts. At times I just stop working out or other things and stay home to try and feel grounded and safe. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't.

If it doesn't, what happens then?

You don't want to go back to old and destructive behavior. But you also fight to not collapse from exhaustion from fighting to not dissociate. What else can you do?

Saturday, August 1, 2015

Paralyzed with Fear

No noise right now. Just quiet as I write online and try not to dissociate. You do what's necessary to fight to survive. But in the process, you feel overwhelmed at times by how hard you have to work to not fall apart. You try to not just collapse from exhaustion. Because you have to fight back.

You feel abandoned. Like nobody seems to care, or could be bothered to care. Despite that, you can't sit back and do nothing. How do you cope with that?