Finally a day with no appointments. Instead, pick up a new med and then some PC questions for the tech support guy. The good news is that I was right in solutions. Sorry, but I can't be offline for two weeks. I do have an addictive personality. But is my PC use a problem? I don't think so.
Like any other trauma survivor, I'm trying to pay attention to my intuition and follow the right things. Do I really want to go back to alcoholism and other destructive stuff that only made pain worse? No. While everyone is different in their history, I'm struggling with lots of scary things.
It took me a long time to realize it. But one of the psycho rapists that got away with torture drugged me. I don't know what it was. But I do know when you feel like you have no control over you actions, some drug is causing that. Do I have any sympathy for someone like Bill Cosby (if all of the "allegations" against him are true)? No. He should do serious jail time with no chance of parole.
Why won't more people face the fact that he admitted to trying to use drugs to RAPE women? Because he's rich and powerful. And in our currently litigious society, you don't f**k with rich and powerful people. If they see a threat, they will do anything necessary to crush the threat.
Did anybody save me? No.
Did any cops use a rape testing kit (that later would have been lost for about twenty years)? No.
Have lots of people said you freak me out. Go away? Yes.
While I'm not rich and powerful, I deserve to be heard. The fact that I'm a rape survivor isn't the ONLY thing that defines me. But it is part of me. I have no control over what other horrible people say and do. Despite that, I will protect myself.
Do you have days where you feel like you're the only one that sees all of the hypocracy in the world? I do. It's not safe to look at anything. I have some days where I just want quiet. I don't want to feel threatened in my own home. Why? Because nobody else will protect you.
When do you completely detoxify from trauma? I have no idea. But I do know I'm doing the right things right now.