Saturday, October 26, 2013

Dealing With Pain (Contains potentially triggering content. Read at your own risk)

A quiet night in as we write and try to focus on a sense of balance. Body pain is still there at times. In your arms, legs, hip and elsewhere. Dissociating still happens and is tough to not slip into. You could go back into destructive dissociative stuff. Then again, do you really want to disappear for literally days at a time? No.

For whatever reasons, it seems like there's more destructive stuff out there. Violence, rape, murder, I-don't-give-a-f**k-what-you-think attitudes and more. How many times have you heard nobody's MAKING you watch/listen to/read this. If you don't like it, shut the f**k up and go away! Is it because they're evil, powerful and want to dominate the world? Is it because they have money, power and think they're way better than the rest of us? Who knows.

One answer is to screen all content. Block where necessary and say no when needed. Many survivors talk about wanting to save the world. While that's nice, in reality it's too much by yourself. Instead, what's more important? If you're well being isn't okay, how can you be effective?

In my case, dissociating at times is still violent. Think of it as severe alcoholism. If you do it, you'll escape horrible pain? Your first impulse might say yes. In reality, no it won't. It just makes it worse.

What should you do? In the most positive way you can, don't dissociate. Do anything that's positive that makes you feel good. If you're dealing with addictions and you slip, you didn't ask to have them. Odds are you were using to make long term pain go away. Some heroin addicts use because they feel like someone cares for them afterwards. They feel like a normal human being.

In the same sense, does violent dissociating make you feel like a normal person? It might shut off the pain and give you a sense of quiet. In my case, it makes you forget about time. Then you feel like you're trapped in a cage with no way out. Your fight-or-flight mechanism is stuck. Mine is still stuck. I still struggle at times to get anger out without literally snapping in two and blacking out.

This tells me that my severe symptoms are still there. They're not my fault. Also, denial isn't an issue. It used to be. But not now.

If you feel like you've had a relapse in some way, be as nice as you can to yourself. Again, in my experience I was a notorious alcoholic and junk food addict because of horrible pain. I didn't ask to be. However, it happened.

Now, I'm sober and still struggle with the junk food. On the other hand, I know overall I'm covering the right things. I can't control other horrible people and the idiotic s**t that they say and do. That's their problem. If they rich, famous and powerful, even more so.

A lot of people talk about self care, but they should because of the importance of it. No trauma survivor is evil. Instead, they just want among other things a sense of validation. If you give me a reassuring hug, you won't get raped. Then again, you can't control others.

Just keep in mind that you exist and you matter.

Thursday, October 24, 2013

Triggering Stuff is Everywhere Part II

Lots of errands today. Also, try as positively as you can to not dissociate. There's emptiness and scary feelings of abandonment. Then again, it's not my fault. All of this is a normal survival response to a long history of abuse.

Another thing to recognize is the damage that destructive people and triggering stuff can do to you. As I keep going and stay clean, more scary realizations happen. And I didn't see this damage that was happening.

Now though, I do. It really is all connected.

Wednesday, October 23, 2013

Triggering Stuff is Everywhere

Unless you have to look at it, stay away as much as possible from all triggering stuff. My intuition is screaming it's only going to make you dissociate. Why does it seem like almost everything is dangerous right now? I'm not sure.

Aside from personal power and profit, there's the old MSM "if it bleeds, it leads". It's one thing to say that if you're a managing editor. Then again, if you're a trauma survivor trying to protect your well being, it's something else.

Last night was another rough night of violent dissociating. As your system stays cleaner, more scary realizations happen. Which also means that you have to work really hard to try and keep some sense of balance.

If you don't, who else is going to do it for you?

What else can you do? Try to keep some a sense of positive focus. It's okay to work hard and keep a balance between work and after work. One key that I'm worried about is not turning into some burned out cynical monster, because of being a rape survivor.

If you feel the urge to dissociate, do something else that's positive instead. To me, it's just like a junkie shooting up. They think that will give them some relief from pain. In reality, it only makes it worse.

I don't want to disappear and not know where I am for literally days at a time. Take things in tiny segments. Do something else, and see what happens.

Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Scared of Giving in to Dissociating

Another day of trying to keep some sense of balance. We still have to say as best you can, don't dissociate. Do something positive instead. You try to stick to that, but you also feel like you're getting bombarded by triggering stuff from every direction.

 You try to keep a sense of balance. However, that's hard when you feel like you're fighting to not black out from fear, a feeling of abandonment, and getting hit by body pain.

You scream because you're terrified of what feels like endless sick lucid dreams and flashbacks. I'm not insane. I'm not psychotic. Why then do I feel like I have the same sick stuff endlessly happening to me?

One reason is because my symptoms have been that severe and untreated for that long. Now, we're healing overall from a long history of severe abuse.

We're telling the truth. We're not insane, sick, weird, a freak, or anything else. We're healing from a long history of abuse.

I don't want to dissociate. I don't want to feel like I have no idea whatsoever of what's going on. It's balance. Not perfectionism, but balance.

Do you feel like you're getting bombarded by triggering stuff everywhere you look? How do you deal with that?

Saturday, October 19, 2013

What Are your Options?

You've heard it a million times before. But we'll mention it again. Especially right now as triggering stuff is everywhere (think of it as a smog alert that never ends), protect yourself as best you can. Then, have as many options as possible.

You could wait for the world to come to you. However, just in my experience, it doesn't work like that. That doesn't mean that everyone is evil and just wants to screw you over and then kill you. You should try to be proactive and create your own network of sources that you trust and then opportunities.

How do you explain all of the evil and nastiness in so many others? One answer is it's class warfare. I'm not sure how it is for all of our global audience. But here in the States, it really is the Top 1% against the Bottom 99%.

That's one reason why I'm officially retired from reading/writing/dealing with online comments (excluding this blog, of course). If I don't have to deal with it, I won't. Why?  Because it's all hate. Racism, death threats against Obama, and literally nothing to do with the original subject. Instead, I'll f******g rip the s**t out of you, and then kill you.

"Terms of Service" agreements that many of these social media sites have? That's a really bad joke. you're on your own. They're far too busy making major corporate profits to spend money on online cops to police this stuff.

When is "The Great Tipping Point" going to happen? I have no idea. In other countries, people don't screw around. If you have to act, you act. Here, many can't be bothered. Which means it's constantly recycling the same "what do we do?" comments.

The cynical response would be, it depends on how much money and power you have. As for me, I'm sticking to the idea that my well being comes first. If that's not together, then how can you be effective in other areas?

Do you know any sane and rational person who actually believes that people like being poor, on benefits and treated like dirt? To decent human beings, that's just really insulting. To the Top1%, that's just more of their usual delusional propaganda.

Is it really only about who has more money and power?

Friday, October 18, 2013

A Tough Couple of Days

How has your week been? Sorry to be off for a while. But the past few days have been rough with lots of violent dissociating. You literally feel like you have no control and don't know where you are. You scream and fight to not black out and then get some sense of focus again.

In my case, it's kind of like severe alcoholism. The first reaction is that it will stop horrible pain. Instead, it makes it worse. What's the answer? As best you can, don't dissociate. Do something else. This means fighting to ground yourself or to just literally at times say, I won't dissociate. For  long time, violent dissociating was a second nature way of surviving. Now, how do you change that?

The frustration, despair and feelings of abandonment are still there. The horrible realization of how severe symptoms have been. Then again, part of your healing process is to face your trauma history in the most non-threatening way you can.

Everybody has their own ways to cope with healing from trauma. In our case, part of it is trying to
basically be as healthy as you can. Not perfectionism. But a sense of balance.

When we're really scared, my multiples, little kid and I like to just sit and rock back and forth. Just turn things off and reassure ourselves that it will be okay. The pain and fear are still there.

Then again, it's not our fault.

Monday, October 14, 2013

How Are You In Protecting Yourself?

Lots of triggering stuff everywhere you look. Our suggestion? If you don't have to deal with it, stay away so you don't end up dissociating and fighting to get your balance back.

It's not a matter of perfectionism. I must have total control over every single thought that comes to mind. Instead, a healthy balance. How do you do that when it feels like almost all of society doesn't want to admit that you exist?

You can't control what other horrible people do and say. On the other hand, you can set boundaries as best you can. If someone says I can't deal with you being a rape survivor and dumps you, are they really your friend? No they're not.

You have to protect yourself. We still feel exhausted much of the time from constantly having to fight dissociating and other symptoms. Going back on medication won't help, because it only makes your symptoms worse. I can't afford to go to a regular therapist. A sliding scale counselor is out. What else can I do but use my own support system?

Another suggestion to protect your well being is ask this question. Do I really need to do something, or not? Do I really need to post hundreds on comments every day if almost all of the other posters are trolls (some paid for and some not)? Who needs the stress? I don't. That's why I try to follow the idea of selective activism. Your well being comes first. THEN deal with an important cause.

As best you can, operate off of facts and not just rumors on some chat site. Why? Because in a good way, you have to protect yourself. Nobody else will do it for you. Maybe that's been one of the hardest things to deal with in our own healing process. When your well being is okay, then you're effective in other things as well.

I'm not on call 24/7 to help Obama save the economy and the world. Besides, he couldn't afford my fee anyway. Which means setting boundaries. Not all but many lines of content in posts are rehashing the same points (in my opinion). Why then do you need to perpetuate that? National name activisits can yell all they want about people having to get involved. But in the end, it's a personal decision. You live with the consequences of what you do and say, just like they do. In their cases, they're making way more money than we are.

Is being successful illegal? No it's not. On the other hand, along with success comes responsibility. You have to make decisions. Who am I doing this for? Just to further my career and make me even richer and more famous than I am now? Or, is it actually help others in the process?

As a trauma survivor, do you feel like you're about six steps ahead of the world? You're the only one who can see everything that's going on. If the rest of you would just shut up, listen to me and do as I say all of this would be over now.

Is that going to happen? Are you single handedly responsible for saving the world from all of the evil people out there? No you're not.

It comes down to several key things:

Keep your self control.

Operate from verified facts, and not talking points.

If you're telling the truth, what's somebody else going to do? Sue?

There's lots of pressure on everybody. Which means as best you can, stay informed to make the best decisions. Whether it's in your healing or anything else.

Sunday, October 13, 2013

The Pain is There

We still have nightmares and other symptoms. For the past three nights, it's always been something really violent. At times you see and hear what other horrible people did and said. You fight back because you know you have to. Nobody else is going to save you.

Recently, a mental health source told me that nightmares are one way for your mind/body connection to process the trauma you've been thru. Also, there's the split second when you open your eyes, and you don't know what's real. You try to scream but you have to struggle to have control over your body.

On the other hand, none of it's abnormal in any way (considering the trauma you've been thru and didn't get treatment for for a long time).

We're healing from a long history of severe abuse overall. I try to pay attention to my intuition and say we're doing the right things. Just because we have sick and violent thoughts doesn't mean that we're a monster.

We're just healing from abuse.

Saturday, October 12, 2013

Stuff to Keep in Mind

Listening to the Knicks and Celtics online. Some herbal tea and trying to stay grounded. We still have dissociating and despair. Do you ever have a day when you don't feel abandoned?

Without getting into specifics, we know that triggering stuff is everywhere. Is the world ending? No. Instead, keep these in mind.

Keep you self control and respect.

You have no control over what other cruel people say and do. Why do they do this stuff? I don't know.

Protect yourself as reasonably as possible. Pay attention to your intuition. Mine isn't always right. But my percentage is good.

Despite what it may seem like when the world is telling you you don't exist, you do. You also don't have to sink down to their level.

At times, we have crippling despair. We try to look at it like this. We're healing from a long history of horrible abuse. Which means that none of our symptoms are weird in any way.

If you have horrible pain, in a sense that's  a good sign because denial isn't a problem.

You're telling the truth. Which is all that matters.

Tuesday, October 8, 2013

Trying to Keep a Sense of Focus

The symptoms are still there. Lately, you really have to work hard to screen triggering stuff to protect yourself. Do you feel at times like you're about seven steps ahead of the rest of the world? You know what people. will say, what the responses will be, and why you shouldn't look at any of it. Why bother?

Do you feel abandoned? We really struggle with that. Is there anyone who isn't afraid to admit that I'm a rape survivor? Who's not afraid to show some human decency for ten seconds in their incredibly hectic day? Instead, you get the feeling at times of if they just move fast enough you'll magically disappear and then life will be okay once again?

Trauma survivors aren't statistics in some government report to be manipulated to get huge grants in return. Nobody asks to be a trauma survivor. Yet, how many people actually take the time to acknowledge that?

Monday, October 7, 2013

It's Not Your Fault

Lots of emptiness as we go along. We get things done, but you also have a feeling of being abandoned at the same time. You don't want to fall into the trap of being burned out, cynical and a horrible person. Instead, try to keep a sense of focus as you go along.

Time to break our "no progressive political content" rule. Today, there was another shooting at the US. Capitol. Not all but many "professional pundits" are falling into the trap of making this a nice neat soundbite. A "crazy person" with a gun was stopped by the police. Someone else set himself on fire in front of the Capitol. A women allegedly suffering from post-partum depression was shot and killed by the cops near the Capitol.

Do you have to be a psychiatrist to see that there's a connection between all of these cases? When the stress level is high and there's no end in sight in a Depression (call it what it is), human beings can only take so much.

These aren't just soundbites to be manipulated into a nice neat story, and that's the end of it. However, the corporate MSM says if it doesn't fit, it doesn't exist.

How's that for "balanced journalism".

Sunday, October 6, 2013

Let's Focus

A tough day with trying to chill and protect yourself from triggering stuff. You feel totally drained and just try to keep a sense of focus. At times, you feel abandoned and cry all day long.

On the other hand, it's not our fault.

Saturday, October 5, 2013

Boundaries and More

A really long day of fighting symptoms and trying to not black out. Now, stay away from triggering stuff as much as possible. Set boundaries and screen everything. Like anybody lese with symptoms, if you basically try to be as healthy as possible, that's a big part of it.

Having said that, you still have nightmares and other problems. Did somebody try to break in last night? Or, was it just a nightmare?

Hyperawareness is still a problem in crowded places. You feel like you're getting bombarded with stimulus from all directions. Do you attack anyone? Do you scream, snap and then possibly black out?

As you fight symptoms and try to stay focused, you feel totally exhausted. At times during the day I just turn things off and stretch out to listen to how I feel. Don't give in and listen to triggering stuff that will make you dissociate for days at  time.

When my multiples and little kid feel sad, we like to sit and rock back and forth for a while. I don't always know the answers for them. But I do my best to reassure them that it's my job to protect us.
I always take the time to explain to them, and never to talk down to them.

How do you deal with feelings of abandonment? We still struggle with feeling like an orphan. We did nothing wrong. Yet, it's still there.

Don't dissociate. As positively as you can, do something else. It's not a matter of having perfect bliss 24/7. Instead, it's a matter of balance.

It's not our fault. We did nothing wrong. We're telling the truth. That's all that matters.

Wednesday, October 2, 2013

Pay Attention to Subtle Stuff

Still battling symptoms and trying to protect myself from triggering stuff as best I can. Screen everything, and if you don't have to look at something stay away from it.

Part of this is to pay attention to the effects of things on you. Maybe something is second nature, and it doesn't seem to be a problem. Then suddenly you can't do it anymore. I've had to make a lot of changes in diet, hangouts and in other areas. For a long time, I had a really severe junk food habit (in addition to severe alcoholism, destructive dissociating rituals and more). Now, I don't do that stuff anymore. However, you still pay attention to how you feel.

Is it just body chemistry that's healing? Emotions and chemistry? Or more? We try to look at it like it's overall healing from long term abuse.

How's your healing?