Thursday, November 30, 2017

Don't Dissociate

Triggering stuff is everywhere. It's like a really bad smog day when you feel like you never get a break because you can literally see the air you're breathing. You go out and it feels like threats are everywhere. You have to screen everything. You have to protect yourself.

As you do, you keep your mantras in mind. We did nothing wrong. The pain is always there. You do your best to cope. Keep you side of things clean, and you don't have to apologize for anything later.

Don't dissociate.
Don't let your guard down.
Protect yourself.

Wednesday, November 29, 2017

Fight Symptoms Because You Have To

Fighting symptoms and to not black out from dissociating. If you let your guard down, you might think that it will make pain go away. Instead, it's just the opposite. The pain gets worse. Also, triggering stuff is everywhere. You have to screen everything to try and protect yourself. This can mean some days with no TV or noise really at all. You have to feel safe.

You have to protect yourself.
You have to fight back.
You can't let your guard down and then relapse.
Why do we keep relapsing? Because the pain never goes away.
But you have to face it head on. Unless it endangers you in some way.

Sometimes you feel totally overwhelmed. But you don't have a choice. You don't have a death wish. You don't want to hurt yourself or anybody else. So you have to fight back.

Go down the street to a liquor store and stock up and then black out? Destroy 26 years of sobriety? No.
Do something else.

Don't dissociate.
Don't dissociate.
Don't dissociate.
Don't dissociate.

Protect yourself.

Tuesday, November 28, 2017

Monday, November 27, 2017

Fight Symptoms

Another day of fighting symptoms and not falling apart to dissociate and black out. You have to fight back.

Saturday, November 25, 2017

Wednesday, November 22, 2017

Protect Yourself

Triggering stuff is everywhere. Pain never goes away. You try and face it and cope as best you can.

Tuesday, November 21, 2017

Pain Never Goes Away

Fight symptoms and screen everything. No matter what, pain is always there. Don't let your guard down and then dissociate and black out.

But we're doing the right things.

Monday, November 20, 2017

Screen Everything

Another day where everything needs to be screened. Triggering stuff comes out of the weirdest places. Today, it's everywhere.

Symptoms and pain are always there. You scream and fight to get pain out because you have to. At the end of the day, you're totally wiped out. But you also have a brief sense of relief.

You have to protect yourself.

Saturday, November 18, 2017

Had Another Slip

A horrible night last night because of another dissociating slip. We don't have a death wish. We don't get off on pain. So why do we keep having slips?

I'm an alcoholic.
I have an addictive personality. But I'm a person, not a category.

Using only makes the pain worse. This was one of many causes of my heart disease. But also, it shows that the pain never goes away. You're not a freak, weird, strange or a danger to anybody. But PTSD is incurable. You try and cope as best you can.

Protect yourself.

Thursday, November 16, 2017

Protect Yourself

Another nightmare last night. Then, facing the full pain of your trauma history. You have to face it and denial will only make it worse.

Pay attention to the tiny things in how you feel. Protect yourself.

Wednesday, November 15, 2017

Trying to Focus

At times, some moments of clarity. Then, bombarded with pain, flashbacks and more pain. Protect yourself.

Tuesday, November 14, 2017

Fight Symptoms

Constant exhaustion as we fight symptoms and to not dissociate. You constantly have to screen everything to protect yourself. On the other hand, what else can you do?

Monday, November 13, 2017

Fighting Symptoms

Sorry to be away for a while. But it's the same battle. Almost no sleep. Not knowing if we're dissociating or dreaming. Sleep paralysis. Imagine you feel awake, but your body can't move. You have to try and shock yourself awake. You constantly fight pain that's always there.

You have to screen everything to protect yourself. Anywhere you go means having an escape plan. How do I get out of here safely without attacking somebody? We still have dissociative blackouts. Which tells us that pain is always there.

It's like all of the pain from your trauma history is flooding out all at once. Denial will only make it worse. Dissociating will make pain worse, not better.

You have to fight back.
Screen everything.
Always have an escape plan.
Protect yourself, no matter what.
It's not your fault.
You can't save the world all by yourself.
You have to fight back.

You have to fight back.

Wednesday, November 8, 2017

Pain and Exhaustion

Every day, symptoms, pain and constant exhaustion. We don't want to relapse in any way. We're trying to get an earlier appointment with the cardiologist. Do we need some type of surgery? Not sure. But we can't just roll over and die. No matter what, you have to keep going.

Protect yourself.

Monday, November 6, 2017

Th Pain Is Always There

Very little sleep and lots of body pain. Part of it's like abdominal pain that never goes away. What's the cause? Did I accidentally eat undercooked food? Not sure.

We just don't want to end up taking lots of extra medication to literally do anything. Protect yourself.

Friday, November 3, 2017

Screen Everything

Nightmares happen every night. Almost no sleep and constant exhaustion. The full range of symptoms. This means no TV and almost no Net content. Screen everything and protect yourself at all costs.

You have to constantly fight back. You don't have a choice. If you thought that everything was wonderful all the time, you'd probably have a breakdown.

Pain is always there. It never lets up.On the other hand, we know that we're doing the right thing to protect our well being.  Screen everything and don't let up.

Thursday, November 2, 2017

Constant Pain

No real sleep. Can't remember the last time I got any. Today, more fighting symptoms. Now, our appetite has gone down a lot. It's like there's constant bloating in my stomach. My cardiologist keeps saying it sucks, but that's just one of many symptoms you have to deal with. In the past, we could drink a lot with no problem. Now, we have problems drinking 3 8 oz. glasses. Are these sigs of my heart disease getting worse?

Protect yourself.

Wednesday, November 1, 2017

Cover a Lot. But Don't Dissociate

Trying to keep some sense of focus as we fight symptoms and to not dissociate. But the pain is always there. The exhaustion of trying to focus and not have a relapse. It's just like any addict relapsing. Why do you use? To escape pain. Why do people dissociate? To escape pain. But denial only makes things worse.

You can't save the world all by yourself. The body pain never goes away. It's always there. You have to constantly fight back. I have anal pain. But the psycho rapist isn't raping us. We scream in pain. But they're not there.

Even though they're not there, that doesn't matter. You can't just sit back and do nothing. You have to fight back.

You have to protect yourself.