Pain Never Goes Away

Fight symptoms and screen everything. No matter what, pain is always there. Don't let your guard down and then dissociate and black out.

But we're doing the right things.

Trying to Focus

Burnout is always there. Just like all the other symptoms. Don't dissociate. Don't let your guard down to then black out. You have no idea of where you are. You have to protect yourselves.

Screen everything and stay safe.

Connectivity

Two appointments out of the way. Two more to go this week. In the meantime, I'm also trying to get new blood tests. One is for allergies. the other is for cortisol levels. It's been a long time since I've had the allergy one done. I've never had the cortisol one done, despite everything that's happened and continues to happen to me.

Not in an obsessive way, but I'm trying to take a holistic approach to my health (along with necessary medication and more). For a long time, after I was repeatedly raped NOBODY helped me in person. Nobody said, were you raped? No cops came into the room and saved me from the psycho pedophile. The pressure builds and builds. To try and escape pain, you drink too much. You use soft core porn and online hookers. But none of this works.

Your diet is totally poisoning your system. Tons of salt, sugar, caffeine, and you keep using more and more to escape pain. But it doesn't work.

You feel like you can't trust anybody. Nobody ever helped me before.So, why would they do it now?

My first therapist actually said, I've been treating trauma survivors for almost 30 years, This is the worst case of trauma I've ever seen. I'm surprised you didn't kill yourself years ago from the horrible stress. How do I respond to that?

You have to fight back. Every day is abuse. You can't just sit back and do nothing.

Your system can only take so much. Eventually, you start to burn out. But despite that, you can't let your guard down. If you do, you'll fall apart. Everybody who laughed at you and treated you like shit will gang up on you and beat you down.

What else can you do?

Now, I'm trying to face my trauma history as best I can. You have to protect yourself. But, face your pain as best you can.

It's All Connected

Happy Global Mom's Day. If you're either done with it or it's coming up soon in your part of the world, have some fun.

Here, it's been just having time for me. I still have to pace a lot of stuff because of burnout. Screen everything, and struggle with flashbacks that are still too much to cope with.

Is it all connected? Yes, it is. A lot of previous severe illnesses were due to long-term untreated PTSD symptoms. Which leads to the next question. How do you cope with burnout?

It's not my fault. I didn't ask for all of this pain and humiliation. I can't make others understand about the torture that happened to me. On the other hand, I can and will set boundaries to protect myself and my self-esteem.

You're too exhausted at times to do the smallest things. You sit, try to have some sense of clarity, and to not dissociate and black out. You also struggle with despair and abandonment. Someone else can try and say they care about you. However, that doesn't change the fact that you told them you were raped, and they deliberately did nothing.

Now, they have to deal with that. Not me.

You just want relief from pain.

A Breakthrough(Contains Graphic Content. Read at your own risk)

Went to my counselor earlier today, and maybe a breakthrough. Unitentionally, do you find that you censor yourself when you feel the need to talk about your trauma (whatever it might be)? Maybe it's because nobody seems to care, or it's just too explicit to talk about. Why then would anybody listen? Better to just not talk about it. I think for a while I've been doing that.

We talked about it, and I made it clear to her that that was in no way a slam on her ability as a counselor. After that, I decided that I'd take a somatic approach. Face it head on as much as you can and get it out thru various ways. 

Why would you feel the need to censor yourself on something that's not your fault?

The feeling of being paralyzed.

The feeling of being trapped.

Nobody's going to come in and save you from the psycho pedophile.

Every sensation (sight, sound, color, feeling) is scary to deal with.

The sensation(s) of the pedophile as he's behind you raping you.

Screaming as he rapes you and nobody can hear you.

He cums inside your anus, and there's no cop there with a rape kit. Nobody takes you to

the hospital to help you. No prosecutor is ready to put them away for life.

Nobody helps you. Nobody seems to care. Am I inconveniencing you by talking about something

that's not my fault?

Women rape survivors are tolerated by society (for lack of a better phrase). Yet, guys don't exist. How many times recently have you heard various people talk about the Steubenville verdict, rape survivors in the military, and in other places? Not once do you hear any talk about guy survivors. Football players are being robbed of their future NFL careers. How totally sad is that? Nothing about the girl who got raped.

Friday Night Football in a small town is an excuse to rape someone? REALLY? In 2013, there are people who actually believe that.

I can't control what others do and say. However, I will do everything I can to protect my health and self esteem. Part of that is to face head on the full horror of being raped. It's not because I get off on being a professional client or love trauma. It's because that needs to be faced. The fact that I didn't for so long doesn't mean I'm a failure in any way. Instead, that's part of surviving. 

Regardless of where you are in your healing, do you still have body pain and other symptoms? Do you feel guilty in some way for being raped? 

I've been fighting PTSD every day since I've been raped. At times, it feels like 98% of the world still doesn't care. Then again, if you don't want to admit that I exist, that's your problem. 

I feel sad, abandoned and much of the time in acute pain. On the other hand, it's not my fault.