Wednesday, March 20, 2013

A Breakthrough(Contains Graphic Content. Read at your own risk)

Went to my counselor earlier today, and maybe a breakthrough. Unitentionally, do you find that you censor yourself when you feel the need to talk about your trauma (whatever it might be)? Maybe it's because nobody seems to care, or it's just too explicit to talk about. Why then would anybody listen? Better to just not talk about it. I think for a while I've been doing that.

We talked about it, and I made it clear to her that that was in no way a slam on her ability as a counselor. After that, I decided that I'd take a somatic approach. Face it head on as much as you can and get it out thru various ways. 

Why would you feel the need to censor yourself on something that's not your fault?

The feeling of being paralyzed.
The feeling of being trapped.
Nobody's going to come in and save you from the psycho pedophile.
Every sensation (sight, sound, color, feeling) is scary to deal with.
The sensation(s) of the pedophile as he's behind you raping you.
Screaming as he rapes you and nobody can hear you.
He cums inside your anus, and there's no cop there with a rape kit. Nobody takes you to
the hospital to help you. No prosecutor is ready to put them away for life.

Nobody helps you. Nobody seems to care. Am I inconveniencing you by talking about something
that's not my fault?

Women rape survivors are tolerated by society (for lack of a better phrase). Yet, guys don't exist. How many times recently have you heard various people talk about the Steubenville verdict, rape survivors in the military, and in other places? Not once do you hear any talk about guy survivors. Football players are being robbed of their future NFL careers. How totally sad is that? Nothing about the girl who got raped.

Friday Night Football in a small town is an excuse to rape someone? REALLY? In 2013, there are people who actually believe that.

I can't control what others do and say. However, I will do everything I can to protect my health and self esteem. Part of that is to face head on the full horror of being raped. It's not because I get off on being a professional client or love trauma. It's because that needs to be faced. The fact that I didn't for so long doesn't mean I'm a failure in any way. Instead, that's part of surviving. 

Regardless of where you are in your healing, do you still have body pain and other symptoms? Do you feel guilty in some way for being raped? 

I've been fighting PTSD every day since I've been raped. At times, it feels like 98% of the world still doesn't care. Then again, if you don't want to admit that I exist, that's your problem. 

I feel sad, abandoned and much of the time in acute pain. On the other hand, it's not my fault.

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