Monday, December 31, 2012

Happy 2013

A Happy Global 2013 to our vast audience. Party hard, but safely.

Also, when we say global, does that really mean global? Yes it does. We're now read in almost all 50 states and in almost 45 countries. Since everyone else is doing a year end feature of some kind, here's one that's a little more personalized.

We don't know your phone number or street address. But we do know your city. With that in mind, time to say thanks:

Washington, D.C.
New York City
Portland, Maine
Arlington, VA.
York, Ontario
Kansas City, MO.
San Antonio
Buenos Aires
San Francisco
Redwoods, CA.
Mountainview, CA.
Portland, OR.
Vancouver, B.C.
Hong Kong
Tel Aviv
Palm Beach
Santa Monica, CA.
and many more

Please pass our URL onto any/everywhere it might help. All of this is free. Thanks!

Sunday, December 30, 2012

An Early Happy 2013

How was your Xmas break? Here, we tried to stay warm and focused. Despite that, it's still been hard to not dissociate or feel totally abandoned.

It's already 2013. Where? First up in the world is the Chatham Islands (sw of New Zealand). Next up roughly speaking is the Sydney Harbor fireworks. Wherever you are in the world, have an excellent time.

Also, thanks for the global support. Everything here is free, and I only ask for one thing. Pass this onto everywhere you can unless it endangers you or someone else.

Tuesday, December 25, 2012

A Xmas Mix

Merry Xmas to our global audience. Satying in tonight due to the Artic blast outside. Lots of snacks and herbal tea to keep me warm.

On the other hand, it's really exhausting right now. Flashbacks and dissociating are still violent. You have to fight really hard to have some sense of where you are. It's like getting bombarded with one after another. You scream and fight to not black out, because you have no other choice. This also means protecting yourself at all costs. You have no control over others. However, you can decide to protect yourself.

I try at times to just take a somatic approach. Turn everything off and pay attention to how you feel. Even by doing that, you still feel like one wrong move and everything could fall apart. This also means that yes, this has been that severe and untreated for a long time.

I don't want to live like I'm an empty shell.

Friday, December 21, 2012

Borderline Road Rage

A really scary day with lots of anger and trying not to dissociate or black out while driving. I felt this close to attacking everyone who got in my way. Another scary part is feeling like NO ONE will help you. How do you cope with that?

We know anger, frustration and more are there and have to be dealt with. Now, try and do that AND everything else you have to do.

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

It is Tuesday

How's your Tuesday? Here, it's lots of job leads to check and Xmas stuff to do.

Also, trying to cope without  some favorite foods and drinks as well. Either it's sugar, caffeine or just chemicals that will make PTSD symptoms worse. Flashbacks to horrible triggering holiday stuff happens, and it's hard to focus. It feels like an endless cycle. You fight to keep some sense of balance because you have to. If you don't, your whole world caves in on you.

Do you feel like someone's listening to you?

Monday, December 17, 2012

Holiday Thoughts

Staying in tonight and covering lots of job leads. Later, time to put up the Xmas lights and a late night snack.

I'm really trying to keep my balance as I go along. A lot of former favorite foods and drinks are triggering right now. What do I do instead? Can you get thru the holidays with no sweets?

Terrifying flashbacks still happen. You try and ground yourself, and you still at times don't know where you are. What do you do then?

We're really trying to trust our intuition. Take things in small 10 second splits. If you have a bad feeling about something, trust that and turn it off.

There's a lot of pain right now.

Sunday, December 16, 2012

The Long Term Effects of PTSD (Contains potentially triggering content. Read at your own risk)

As all regular readers know, here we only post potentially triggering content if it's necessary to help talk about something important. Never to intentionally hurt anybody. Just the opposite. That being said, if this is a problem for you, stop reading now. If not, keep going and hope this helps.

Like a lot of people, I'm really struggling with protecting my health (both physical and mental) after the Sandy Hook Elementary shootings on Friday. Everything from the mere fact that it happened to the MSM hype factor in this. It's the "Connecticut Shooting". What the hell does THAT mean? Isn't that slightly insulting to the memory of those killed and everyone in the entire area? Endlessly running interviews with obviously traumatized kids and others. On top of that, we have politicians from Obama to Bloomberg who keep speaking in coded soundbites. We must take "meaningful action" to deal with gun violence. Right. Why not just say we need gun control. Obama needs to declare a National Emergency. Instead of an actual and rational discussion of gun control, once again it's a propaganda battle. It's almost like you can turn the sound down on your TV and lip read the NRA approved talking points that all the think tank experts and politicians are putting out.

Since Columbine, there have been roughly 30 shootings all over the country. Now, Congress is going on their Christmas break. People are dying , the fiscal cliff is coming. But screw that. I need my holiday?

Tell that to the people that died. Tell that to the people who lost their kids, friends and others.

Right now, Obama, Bloomberg and all the rest are terrified of the NRA and losing campaign money. Bloomberg says that the NRA can destroy a politician's career is a "myth"? Okay. Then why won't you specifically say we need gun control? Because you're a terrified hypocrite, that's why.

The budget cuts to mental health services continue nationally (insert local amount cut in your area here). Not all but many still believe that only vets get PTSD. Not true. Ten percent of the population has some form of it. All of the students and others have to deal with it. If it's not properly treated, what happens?

You feel like it'll never go away.
Do I have to now cure myself (because of something that's not my fault)?
How is a little kid supposed to deal with potentially everything from dissociating to adrenalin surges to nightmares?

I was raped by two pedophiles. I still have to fight PTSD symptoms every day. I've only had two therapists that actually paid attention to facts and took me seriously. I know I have a problem. I'm actively doing everything I can to face this head on as best I can.

Yet, the truth is nobody protected me. When I told the truth to people that I thought would help me, nobody did anything.

Now, try and tell me that the same thing potentially couldn't happen to one of these kids.

Am I angry? Yes I am.

Saturday, December 15, 2012


As you well know, right now there's lots of triggering stuff happening. We won't mention any specifics. Instead, just a suggestion. Unless you have to deal with this, don't. How valuable is your peace of mind (regardless of where you are in your overall healing)? Right now, we stay away from as much as possible. It doesn't mean we're not aware or we don't care. Instead, our protection comes first. If you don't prioritize, how can you be effective?

Break it down into tiny splits. How do I literally go from my desk to my kitchen? How do I get in and out of the crowded store without attacking anyone? How do I keep my balance so I don't hurt myself? It's only right (in my opinion) on bad days to try and protect yourself and others.

One key right now? Facing the reality of how much untreated trauma is still there. You don't have the old stuff to hide behind anymore. Which means on some days you can barely move. It takes forever to try and focus and feel like you have some energy to do anything. You don't want to end up burned out, angry and a nightmare forever. On the other hand, you also have to fight to keep some sense of balance. Your mind/body connection is real. Chi is real. In our view, pay attention to that. Just in our case, taking only meds and cognitive (talk only) therapy doesn't work.

Keep in mind it's not your fault. I'm telling the truth. That's all that matters.

Friday, December 14, 2012

Friday Stuff

It is Friday. We're still having to fight to focus and not dissociate when we wake up in the morning. If we don't do that, it feels like you're sleepwalking all day long. At least we're not taking the wrong meds like we used to.

Everything else is still there as well. Lots of bases to cover, along with struggling to deal with the holidays, money being tight and more. At times we just turn everything off and cry. What else can you do?

Thursday, December 13, 2012

A Triggering Thursday

Lots to stuff to do today. Still no word about the new counselor. In the meantime, we're going in small segments to try and deal with symptoms. Dissociating is still the worst one. Next would be really sick lucid dreams (far too triggering here to mention this early in the morning).

It's a lot all at once. Anger, frustration, feeling abandoned and exhausted all the time. Yet, what else can you do?

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Fighting to Not Feel Wiped Out

We're still connecting in trying to find a new therapist. No luck yet.

In the meantime, emptiness is still there. It feels like every single day since we got raped has been torture in fighting symptoms and feeling like almost no one could be bothered to help. You have no other choice but to fight. No one will help or listen.

Now, there's emptiness and just an almost constant feeling of being wiped out. There's no other physical problem. You feel like you have things to do, and it takes an enormous amount of energy to do them. It's not the usual ups and downs. It's something different.

Lots of sadness right now.

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

It's Flooding Out

Listening online to some non-threatening content. However, if they start to talk about how there will be an NHL season, things might get tough.

It feels like all the backed up trauma from being raped is flooding out. There's a sense of emptiness, and not knowing what to do. You've tried to get help, and 95% of those who you thought would be able to helped just said go away. Can you trust anyone?

While that's there, we're still covering bases in tiny segments. We also realize that we still have complex symptoms. We have to fight all day long to not fall apart. Body pain, anger and hyperawareness at times is still there as well.

We don't want to feel like we have no control at all. We don't want to be literally dependent on others for every single thing.

Right now, lots of emptiness and pain

Monday, December 10, 2012

How Are Things in Your Time Zone?

Staying in tonight with my snack and lots to do online. As long as there's no snow, how bad can it be?

On the other hand, despair is still there. It's like a feeling of emptiness that just won't go away. It's not the normal ups and downs that happen all the time. You go thru all the daily stuff, and it's still there. Also, you know you can't sit back and do nothing. You fight to not black out from PTSD symptoms, and then you're totally exhausted.

If you can't afford to go to a therapist, what else can you do?

Do you get support in your part of the world? For anyone new to this site, we have readers in almost all 50 states and in about 42 countries. I don't who they are. I do know the general location. I could also use Google satellite coverage to try and check out your city. Then again, the government's already doing that. Doing that with my tax money. Why? Who knows.

One thing I do know is that you have to protect yourself. Sounds basic, but it's true. Why? Because nobody else will. Despite wherever you are in your healing, is it still hard to trust anyone? I still feel at times like everything's a threat. On top of that, you have the feeling of do I have to cure myself as well? I didn't ask for this. Yet, nobody can be bothered to pay attention?

As you read here, keep one thing in mind. I'm not telling anyone to do anything. All I'm doing is offering a mix of information that helps me. If you like it, great. If you know something that's better, please post it. In the process, please, NO SPAM LINKS. That doesn't help anyone or anything.

Back to the pages.

Sunday, December 9, 2012

Cloudy and Triggering

How's your weekend looking? Here, cloudy, cool and lots of triggering things happening. Screen everything, and if you have a bad feeling about something you're right.

Lately we've been dealing with how we used junk food, booze and other stuff to try and cope with the pain of being raped. The good news is that we don't do that anymore. Ok, as little junk food as possible. As for the other stuff, we really don't do that. This means at times it feels like emptiness is there all the time. On the other hand, facing trauma head on is a good thing.

There's also anger and trying not to get caught in dissociating with no way out. It feels like a bad dream that you can't escape. Does this still happen to you?

Back to covering bases.

Friday, December 7, 2012

How it's Done. Okay, One Way It's Done.

A quiet night online. Maybe then a nice CD. No power rotation. There's a time and a place for everything.

Went to see about going back to a counselor. They'll let me know in a few weeks. We're trying to keep our balance as best we can. Despite that, we still feel bombarded at times. Are we the only ones that see everything that's happening in the world? I've heard that's a common survivor trait.

Part of it is wanting to be heard. That being said, how do you that in today's 24/7 megahype celebrity newscycle world?

Our suggestion? Fight the urge to sink to that level. Make everything count. There's more than enough sameness out there. That's not a slam against other blogs. That's just stating a fact.

Symptoms are still there. Today, I could actually focus on the counselor for long periods and not turn away. That may not sound like a big deal. In fact, it is and there are two sides to it. It's good, but its also sad that you have to fight for so long to reach that point.

Flashbacks still happen. We still scream and fight to not black out from horrible dissociating. At times we used to feel ashamed. It's better to scream silently so you won't piss anybody off because they won't listen anyway.

It feels like there's death, destruction and celeb hype everywhere you look. At editorial meetings, do editors ask each other what is actual news?

This brings up an idea. Everyone knows that the more you mention something, the higher your search engine positioning is. Meintion us everywhere you can, and maybe these guys will pay attention.

Search engine optimization, anyone?

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Your Title Here

Staying at home for a while before a latenight snack. How's your part of the world looking? A quick thanks for the support. We're now read in 45 states and 42 countries. All with no ad budget. Can those megamedia corporations say that? I don't think so.

We're still sticking to our holistic diet. Almost 2 weeks now with no refined sugar or caffeine. We're also trying to really keep our ph balance in line. I really believe there's a connection between all of these. We still feel like we're detoxing from eating and drinking tons of junk.

Why? One reason is because many people use it as an escape to avoid horrible pain. In our case, it was a way to avoid having to deal with being raped. Now, there's no shield to hide behind.

Along with moments of clarity come moments of despair. Everything feels black. What do we do now? Is everything and everyone a threat?

Despite all that, we still take things in tiny 10 second splits. How do we go from the desk to the kitchen? Is it safe to turn on the TV?

Keep the mantra in mind that it's not your fault. Also, unless it hurts you or someone else in some way, please spread this blog everywhere you can. Our very cool map on the front page shows our global reach. The latest count says that there are 201 countries in the world. Let's see if we can cover the remaining 159. How cool would that be?

Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Global Connections

Working at home online and trying to come up with new ways to network. Mix it up as much as possible. The key though is getting in past the receptionist/gatekeeper/whatever to see the boss.

We're really trying to break things into tiny segments. How do we get from here to here? Also, we're making some necessary changes in other areas as well. Do we really need _____ as our cable provider? Why am I watching this? Save time and money.

Speaking of connecting, a holiday reminder. We've been writing this blog for a while now, and we hope you like the content. It's a mix of holistic stuff to help a wide range of global trauma survivors. No ads, no Pay Pal button, and no online store.

All free.

We only ask one thing in return. Please spread this to everywhere you can UNLESS it hurts you or someone else. No spam or spam links. Instead, mention us in every avenue you can. It's how you say it, so the "administrators" won't nail you for spamming. We have no ad budget here. We have no assistants. Which means we do everything.

If you don't want to comment, that's okay. Instead, word of mouth advertising does work.


Monday, December 3, 2012

It is Monday

Lots of bases to cover today. Also, lots of scam job ads. Then again, in this economy that's to be expected.

We're really trying to not get eaten alive by anger and just end up horribly cynical and a nightmare. Like a lot of trauma survivors, you try to get help and it feels like almost everyone just wants you to go away. You have to protect yourself, and not sink down to their level. That's one key for us. It's almost like programmed disfunction. I treat you like dirt. You respond like I want to respond. Then, that makes it okay for me to treat you like dirt again. This is normal.

No, it's not.

You're not responsible for what others do and say. However, you must protect yourself and stand up for yourself where necessary. Why? Because nobody else will.

Have a nice day.

Sunday, December 2, 2012

Look at this. Then Go Do Something Good.

By now, the whole world knows about Office Larry De Primo of the NYPD. He bought a homeless person some socks and boots on a freezing night. What's the homeless guy's story? I don't know. However, having been homeless twice myself, I know what it feels like to literally feel like you have nothing and no one will admit that you exist.

Look at this picture. Then go do something good.

Saturday, December 1, 2012

Brownies, Tea and a Sunny Day

It's the weekend. Cook, clean, back stuff up on the hard drive. Have a snack. Then, onto other stuff.

There's also lots of anger and pain as well. Body pain and trying to not black out as you scream to not lose sensation in your legs and other areas. Do we have MS? No. However, you have to do lots of massage throughout the day to maintain a smooth flow of energy. On the other hand, we're still sticking to our no caffeine/as little sugar as possible diet. Maybe these are symptoms of withdrawl?

Screen everything and protect yourself. Trust your intution. If it's screaming something's bad, pay attention. Odds are you're right.

Thursday, November 29, 2012

Back to Balance

Off to cover more bases today. We took a break yesterday because we were just worn out. No leads at the moment, and what do we do now? Plus, lots of symptoms were flaring up as now.

Today, we're using more acupuncture massage to try and have better chi flow. Better flow means better balance. Despair is still there. Then again, what else can you do?

Cover more bases and create as many opportunities as possible. Not perfection. But just balance.

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Keep a Smooth Flow

A rough day with adrenalin surges. At times you fight to keep sensation in different parts of your body. It's like your chi flow is messed up, and you have to concentrate and force it back into balance. Now, fight that all day long AND do everything else you have to.

Dissociating is still there. Does it get worse as you try to clean up your diet from lots of junk food? You be the judge.

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Herbal Tea and Then Some

Some latenight NBA highlights as we wind down after a long day. That and some herbal tea.

How are your PTSD symptoms? Here, we still have everything. The hardest ones lately are dissociating and adrenalin surges. We've been off refined sugar now for almost a week, and at times it's harder to focus. Despite that, we still stick to meditation, setting boundaries and screening everything. It has to be done.

Don't misunderstand. It's not a matter of perfection. 24/7 Zen bliss. It's a matter of having a sense of balance.

We stay away from triggering stuff as much as possible. In job hunting, at times that can be tough to do. You have to check out everything and everybody. You can find out quite a bit, if you know where to look. Why? Because just blindly cold calling some business and assuming that everything's great is over. It's a matter of finding a job AND protecting your health (both physical and mental).

We take lots of breaks and turn everything off. Drop off business cards with potential job leads. You help me and I'll help you. Don't wait for opportunities to come to you. Be as proactive and balanced as you can.

Having said that, how do you cope with despair? The "fiscal cliff" will wipe out civilization as we know it. Ok, maybe not THAT bad. How do you keep your sense of balance when it may feel like the world can't be bothered to deal with you? It's YOUR problem to fix. Now, please go away.

How do you cope with that?

All normal human beings are not light switches. Instantly deal with horrible trauma and then move on as if nothing has happened? It doesn't work like that. The current 24/7 soundbite newscycle that we live in says it does.Then again, how many of them have had horrible trauma to deal with? If a celebrity comes out about being a trauma survivor, odds are they won't lose a job, their savings or their home. They won't lose health coverage. Essentially, the world will buy their book and life will go on.

Now, if I come out, I could have all kinds of problems. Finding the next job. Health coverage? To some firms, rape and PTSD are "pre-existing" conditions. Have you ever heard of a rape testing kit being used for a guy survivor? I haven't.

At times we have to fight the urge to singlehandedly save the world. We alone can stop all the pyschos out there. Unfortunately, that's not true. Also, much of the current law enforcement system doesn't help, either. Have you been blown off or yelled at by some cop or therapist because you were inconveniencing them by having the nerve to try and get help for something that's not your fault? I have.

You have to protect yourself. You deserve to be heard. Why? Because you do, that's why.

Sunday, November 25, 2012

Do You Feel Stuck?

Sunny and cool in this part of the world. A little more to do at home. Then, time to go out for a nice snack.

We stayed in last night and caught up on some new job leads. Also, there was lots of body pain. Is it all because of our diet? Or, is it something else? We're not sure.

We're still struggling with anger and not wanting to feel cheated. Everything still has to be screened to protect yourself from triggering stuff. Despair still happens, and when it does we feel stuck.

Have a good day.

Saturday, November 24, 2012

Day 3 of the Diet

Staying in and staying warm tonight. Some nice herbal tea and a tiny amount of peanut butter.

Why tiny? Because we're still sticking to the holistic diet. Which means the tiniest amounts have big effects on our system. We found a website that basically says that for a long time our acidic diet literally poisoned our system. Now, it's detoxifying and trying to regain balance.

Makes sense.

This also means that everything else is flooding out. In between some moments of clarity there's still body pain and other symptoms. It's like you don't know where you are. Then for a split second you do. Then, you feel lost again.

Now, imagine going thru that for years with no sense of relief.

NOBODY told me about any of this. Nobody ever asked, were you raped? Is there a history of sex abuse here? You feel at times like, do I have to cure myself?

Adrenalin surges still happen. You feel at times like you're losing sensation in different parts of your body. This means that many times lots of massage can help to bring feeling back. There's also a history of other medical problems.

I feel that it's all connected.

You scream. You fight to survive and not black out. Along with that, you're eating and drinking tons of junk food. Naturally that only makes the pressure worse.

Now, do that for a really long time and fight to not lose hope that maybe somebody will care.

You have to fight to survive. Can you trust anybody? Will anybody listen? Or, will everybody treat you like s**t? What kind of toll does that take on you?

We just want some sense of balance.

Friday, November 23, 2012

Black Friday Stuff

Welcome to "Black Friday" here in the States. It's the day after Thanksgiving where lots of people line up outside stores anywhere from 4 days to 4 hours before they open early Thursday night. Just to be the first person to get in and make it on the TV news. Does this happen in YOUR country?

Meanwhile, still in Friday, is everything black? We're trying to really stick to our holistic diet. The good news is at times there's some clarity. At others, there's despair and feeling stuck. Everything hits you at once, and you feel like is anyone listening? You have to stay away from sugar and caffeine because our system feels like it's been poisoned for a long time. There's an actual medical condition which is where you overdose on caffeine, and then you suffer from hallucinations. How long does it take to detoxify from all of this? No idea.

Back to the job leads.

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Making Changes

Another day of really paying attention to the effects of things on you. How long will it take to detoxify our system to be more in balance? No idea.

That being said, there's still lots of anger to struggle with. You feel cheated and ask why the ____ didn't any of the mental health "experts" tell me about this? Does anyone take me seriously when I say I was raped by two psychos? Or, do you just want me to shut up and go away?

How do I get thru the next fifteen seconds?

Tuesday, November 20, 2012


It feels like another wall where we said, enough. Time for some more changes to try and have a better balance. One way is to look at it is this. If it doesn't come out in a good way, it'll come out in lots of bad ones.

We feel at times like we've been totally robbed. It's really hard to find happy moments in lots of old situations. The minute you feel like you have, millions of sick and twisted lucid dreams and other stuff happen. You're sad, you cry and you literally feel stuck.

What do you do then?

Monday, November 19, 2012

The Effects of Torture (Contains graphic content that might be triggering to trauma survivors. Read at your own risk)

We try really hard to stick to our "no progressive political content" rule on this blog. However, in this case we need to break it. Always for a good reason, though.

For whatever reason, there are lots of people out there online who have the idea that torture is okay. It's the real world. They do it to us. So why the hell shouldn't we do it to them? The first impressions you get reading this are:

These people have never been through any trauma in their lives
They've never travelled outside their local area?
They refuse to critically examine and think for themselves

In short, they have no clue about what they're talking about. Doesn't this violate the "Terms of Service" agreement that sites have about "objectionable" content? Oh, sorry. This is "freedom of speech". Right.

You can say whatever the hell you want with no worries about the consequences.

Trust me. Speaking as a rape survivor, torture doesn't work. Torture will make you do and say anything you have to to survive. I can't believe in 2012 I actually have to spell that out. But apparently I do.

Because of being raped (which isn't my fault), many want nothing to do with me. I can say that I'm a rape survivor in a room full of people. How many would then walk up to me and give me a reassuring hug? Realistically, not many (if anyone at all).


Is it because I'm their worst nightmare? Is it because they just don't have time in their busy schedules to take ten seconds and show some basic human decency? I know that you can't make anyone do anything. That being said, human beings with emotions aren't light switches. Right. Got raped by two pedophiles. Time to toughen up. Off you go. Carry on.

It doesn't work like that.

Whether it's someone walking down the street or an innocent person at Guantanemo, everyone deserves to be heard. Everyone.

Trying to Deal with Flashbacks

Have a nice weekend? Now, back to the global grind.

Mood swings are still there. There's a feeling of emptiness and seeing key things flash in front of your eyes. People and places where you see it, but you feel sad because there's nothing you can do. Eiher to help them or nobody seems to care to help you.

It's not a death wish in any way. Maybe it's more of a feeling of not wanting to literally be cheated out of any happiness at all? Is this a common thing for all survivors?

Sunday, November 18, 2012

Is Torture Really Ok? (Read at your own risk)

How's your coping strategy working? Here, it's been chill out and try to recover from a rough day of battling symptoms. This could lead to lots of sugar to try and feel somewhat energized. How much would YOU pay for a Twinkie?

As for symptoms, we struggle with trying to not black out from dissociating. It feels like a lot of flashbacks and other horror that we didn't deal with hits you all at once. You then feel paralyzed and don't know what to do. Adrenalin surges still happen. Do we have feeling in both legs? Why do we feel like we're literally going to disappear? At times you have to do lots of vigorious massage to keep some sense of feeling.

Then, it's like fighting your way thru flashbacks. You don't know what's real, but you have to fight your way out of it. Get past the stuck fight-or-flight mechanism, or you'll fall apart. Nobody will listen or call.

We take breaks and many times just lie down and stretch. We can barely move because we're so sore. On bad days it's hard to really work out, because are you making things worse? Do you feel like you're about three steps ahead of everyone else? You literally know what everyone else will say and do. Therefore, why bother to listen to it?

There's body pain and horrible memory all over. We try really hard to focus on something solid. Sometimes it works, and sometimes no. Will we snap if it doesn't?

We know we're not insane. We don't have any disability or other illness. We can go out, work and function in anything. We also still have a problem and we're looking for help. However, here therapists either don't have the training to do it. Or, they want nothing to do with coverage or sliding scale fees.

Despite all of that, we're keeping in mind that we matter. We're telling the truth, and that's what matters. If others can't deal with that or say other stuff (i.e., torture is ok), that's their problem.

Is showing some sense of basic human decency an unreasonable request?

Saturday, November 17, 2012

Who Doesn't Need Extra Money These Days?

It is the weekend. We're surrounded by different sights and sounds to try and deal better with dissociating. Sometimes that works. Then again, at others you have to screen everything, which can defeat the purpose of that.

Still working on ways to pick up extra money as the job hunt continues. One that I thought would work didn't. Too many potential copyright hassles involved. Which means from now on, it's one hundred per cent all my material.

Aside from that, despair is still crippling. You go thru the motions, and try to look cool and calm on the outside. Yet, at others, you literally feel stuck. Is it all biochemical, or something else? I think that's part of it. Try and keep your ph balance at the right point, and it's like you feel you can focus. Your pupils aren't dialated from an overactive adrenal gland. In the past, that was one of the most terrifying things to try and deal with. It was literally like something was taking over, and you had no way to control it. Nobody would listen or help. You were totally on your own.

We all have different trauma histories to deal with, and healing to cope with now. Do you still feel abandoned? If we try to talk about that with many people, it's frankly insulting when they say it wasn't abandonment. Oh really? What would YOU call it? That's a felony in many states. You can do jail time, pay a fine and potentially lose custody of your kids. Again, that's NOT abandoment?

We still feel scared. We still feel empty. It also at times feels like nobody's paying attention. We literally have to scream and fight to focus and not dissociate so severely that we black out. Do you have to deal with that? At the end of the day we're so exhausted we can barely move. Then again, you can't sit back and do nothing.

We feel sad and cry. We sit and feel like we can't do anything. What do we do now?

Friday, November 16, 2012

Friday Thoughts

Pacing is the key. Lots to do before an early holiday dinner in the neighborhood. I wonder if they'll be fighting over the deserts? Who knows.

We're trying different ways to focus to have a better chi flow. Symptoms are still there, and that can make it tough to find a balance. Flashbacks still come out of nowhere. You feel stuck and like you can't do anything. However, you can't just roll over and do nothing.

Maybe that's one of the hardest combinations to deal with. Despair and asking, is anyone listening?

Thursday, November 15, 2012

Time to Just Recover

Another day of feeling really sore and wiped out. We're getting things done, but it's really draining. What's also draining is still fighting to not black out. Flashbacks and other pain hits at the worst times, and you literally hold onto something solid to not fall apart. Then, more despair and you can barely move.

Not so great right now.

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Really Sore but Still Here

Staying up for a while to catch up online. Some soothing tea with lemon, and no noise for a while.

We're exhausted from fighting to not black out. Scream and fight to not dissociate and fall apart, IN ADDITION to everything else you have to do. Try to focus and not literally fall apart. Hopefully soon we can go and get tested for various potential allergies. At times it feels like we can't eat anything. Is there anything that we CAN eat with no problems?

A stuck fight-or-flight mechanism is really rough to deal with. Imagine feeling like you have to scream all the time to get anger out, or you'll snap. You have no choice. Of course you also have to deal with the rest of your day as well. How do you handle the two without attacking anyone? In the past two days we've been really trying to keep some sense of focus. It's tough though when you feel like you can barely move. Despair at times is almost paralyzing. You don't want to do anything to hurt yourself or anyone else. However, it's still there.

What else can we do?

Tuesday, November 13, 2012


We've decided to re-prioritize certain things to try and cope better with anger and other symptoms. First, as great as it would be, we can't singlehandedly save the world from all the evil people. It would be nice, but we can't. This means your protection comes first.

From now on, unless it's for work or for job hunting, we're staying away from looking at or posting all comments. We're also very selective about online content that we deal with. Again, it goes back to the common survivor idea of you feel like you're the only one that sees everything happening. If the rest of the world would just do what I say things would be so much easier.

Unfortunately, you have no control over what others do and say. Unless you're the boss.

The point is that our health and healing come first. It's too much stress to cope with symptoms and save the world all at the same time. That doesn't mean don't be aware or care. Just that protection comes first, and be selective about what you do.

We can't afford to go to a therapist or a holistic doctor. There's no sliding scale or free counseling in this area. What do we do then? We keep crisis line numbers close by, in case we need them. Even if you do many of the usual grounding techniques, many times that doesn't work. What do you do then?

One thing that helps to keep this perspective is an outsider's view (from living abroad). Use this in a good way, and see what happens.

If Obama needs me, tell him I'm not available. Besides, he couldn't afford my fee anyway.

Monday, November 12, 2012

What Now?

It's been a really rough 48 hours. Almost didn't get any sleep last night due to almost blacking out from flashbacks and anger. Today, we just feel empty and exhausted. Don't give into lots of sugar. Instead, try to stick to holistic stuff.

Despair is still there. It feels like nothing is safe to watch. We still have to screen everything. However, we're also sticking to our belief that we don't want this hanging over our head forever. Just keep going and try to keep your balance.

Sunday, November 11, 2012

Here's Something You Should Check Out

We just came across this earlier today. In the U.K., the BBC continues their investigation into a pedophile scandal that's affecting more people and programs. Now the Director General has quit. Will this change how the BBC is run in any way? Too early to tell.

Closer to home, at least one job interview tomorrow. Meanwhile, we're trying to keep our balance and not feel like everything is caving in on us. Hope your balance is going well.

Saturday, November 10, 2012

Tea and Then Some

A sunny day with some tea and tunes online. No news, no death and destruction. Just focus and some calm.

We're trying for that. At times though, we still have nightmares , body pain and don't feel safe in crowded places. Not always, but many times we carry a weapon in our bag because we feel better. At night, we keep it at the foot of the bed, along with many times the mobile. It doesn't matter that there's nobody else physically in the room. You just feel better knowing that you have protection.

On really bad days, we feel like we can never let our guard down. Everybody and everything is a threat. Don't trust anybody. They're saying one thing, but what do they really want? Does anybody care at all?

We're just trying for balance.

Thursday, November 8, 2012

Profit, Loss and Screening Stuff

What are the watch words for today? Cover your bases, and protect yourself. As much as you'd like to save the world from all of the evil people out there, unfortunately you can't. It's one thing to be aware of the world and care. On the other hand, you have to at times pick your battles and screen everything to protect yourself.

We don't want to end up being burned out, cynical and angry all the time. Take things in small steps. Cover bases. Create opportunites, instead of waiting for the world to come to you.

We do all of these. Yet, the despair is still there. For a really long time, severe dissociating happened every day. Now, we finally can sit for 15 seconds and not dissociate. Maybe most people don't have to worry about that. However, for trauma survivors, do you feel happy? Do you feel robbed? We don't know what to do.

Can you trust anybody? Do you feel like you're the only one that sees everything that's happening? Everyone else is about 5 steps behind and too busy arguing to pay attention?

If you want to be heard, how do you do it? In not all but many cases, if you cut into someone's profit margin, THEN they suddenly have time in their incredibly busy schedule to deal with you. Can you name one situation where that's not true?

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Back to It

Yes, it really is over. We were right, and Obama won his second term. Besides, if those other guys won, everytime you mentioned their names it would either sound like (a) a law firm. Or (b), a really bad legal drama. Do you really want four years of that? I didn't think so.

Now what? Maybe the first step is this. Up until this election, we've heard endless in-depth analysis of every possible angle on progressive politics you can imagine. In this, there have been lots of egos and bickering as they rehash the same points.

Are you a progressive?
What is a "progressive"? Sounds like a Python sketch.
I'm more of a progressive than YOU are.
And so on.

Does this solve anything? Other than filling time and space online, no. Instead, why not do this. Think of this as achieving a short term goal and then a long term one. First, defeat the neocons, which is done. Now, go back to holding Obama accountable for extending Bush's various policies. Because if those other guys had won, it's a fact that things would be much worse than they are now. Set aside your egos, and THEN maybe something like the Occupy _______ movement will actually get somewhere.

Today, symptoms are still there. It's back to all the job leads we can get. More in-person contacts and then work online at night. Also at times we just turn everything off and sit down. We went shopping yesterday, and just sat in the parking lot for a while. No thoughts about the election, the economy, or the latest political celebrity gossip.

We just want some sense of balance. We just want to not be bombarded with flashbacks and other torture every single day.

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

Election Day Stuff

It's finally here. Six billion dollars and four years later, it will be over by tomorrow morning. Hopefully. In the meantime, I'm predicting that Obama will win. Would a majority of voters actually elect extremely silly people like Romney and Ryan? I don't think so.

Having said that, we're still following our holistic diet. Almost one week now with no junk food and practically no sugar. The mood swings are still there. Dissociating and despair as well. It feels like non-stop torture for a long time, and almost nobody cares. Do we now have to cure ourselves as well?

Screen everything, and lets see what happens next.

Monday, November 5, 2012

Pre-Election Stuff

Back to the grind. Have a nice weekend? Here it was fight symptoms and try to recover from that.

Now, tomorrow are the elections. For our international readers, don't ask us to explain why so much money's in it. At this point, there's not much we can do about that. Instead, for anyone who can vote, just make sure you feel good about your choice. Because whatever it is, you have to deal with the consequences.

Closer to home, it's back to covering all bases in job hunting. Like many dealing with trauma, there are other things as well. Finding and keeping jobs. Keeping your home at all costs (I've been homeless twice). Trying to focus and not black out from dissociating or hyperawareness. Dealing with the despair of trying not to feel cheated because of something that's not your fault.

Have a good day.

Sunday, November 4, 2012

How's Life East of Central Europe (for everyone already dealing with Monday)?

Enjoying my dinner and listening to the rest of the world online that's already into Monday. So far, so good.

Meanwhile, back here be very selective in what you see, read, and listen to. If your intution is screaming this is a soundbite that you've already heard, you're probably right. Therefore, go elsewhere.

We still have to be careful to avoid violently triggering stuff. We just want to be able to focus and not be bombarded with endless pain.

What's one coping tool? You can't control what others do and say. Everyone has to live with the consequences of this. Sounds basic, but it's true and probably easy to forget at times. Another is use your tools as creatively as possible. For a long time, no one would listen to what I had to say. Finally I said, ok. I'll start my own network. Now, over three years later, we're still here and now have a global audience. All with no budget and no advertising. Can those OTHER blogs say that? Probably not.

We still scream and fight to not black out. On the other hand, on an intuiton level it feels like our system is catching up in healing. Hopes this makes sense.

Saturday, November 3, 2012

The Pre-Election Suggestion Post(Contains necessary progressive content to help make important points)

As you know, this blog is a mix of various holistic content to help you deal with the daily struggle of being a trauma survivor. Or possibly, trying to understand what someone else who is is going thru. That being said, we also when necessary have the Long Range Triggering Content Index. Think of it as a variation on the pollution index that you see on your nightly weather report.

In the next week, there's going to be lots of triggering content everywhere you look. Our suggestion is screen everything. Do you really have to deal with this? If you do, that's one thing. However, if you have any choice at all, don't.

Why? Because not all but much of it is just endless microanalyzing of what you already know by well-paid pundits. Since you already know it (if you do a reasonably good job of keeping up with the world), why sit thru it? If it's not your job, then shut it off. Do something else.

In our case, it feels like triggering stuff is everywhere. We can't touch a lot of formerly favorite foods because the slightest amount sets off horrible flashbacks and body memory. Then it takes forever to fight your way back to some sembelance of balance.

What does this mean? For a long time we used junk food as one way to avoid the pain of dealing with trauma. Now, as you're healing this will only poison your system. It's all connected, so it only makes sense that one triggering thing could affect everything.

Do you really need to go to medical school to know this?

Regarding Tuesday's Stateside elections, after you read this you can do whatever you want. All we're saying is keep one thing in mind. Basic Karma Law for Today: everyone is responsible for what they do or say. From Obama on down, there are consequences to everything. All of the national, well-paid pundits (insert famous name here) can talk all they want about what you should do and how come there's no national movment to fix the system and more.

Now, how come there is no national progressive movement to save the system? First, not all but many on the progressive side won't set aside their egos for a common good. Everybody wants to have their own syndicated talk show, column, book and lecture tours, groupies and who knows what else. They want the fame and power that goes with that. Then, when someone is designated "The Leader", instantly they're attacked by others in the group. If you don't agree, go back and read about Cindy Sheehan.

I've been talking about this online thru various outlets for years now. No surprise, no progressive Powers that Be want to pay attention. Which is one of many reasons why I started this blog.

What does this have to do with dealing with trauma? Three out of ten people in the States have some form of PTSD. As the number on benefits rises, so does the overall stress level. Are Romney and Obama talking about this in any way other than austerity soundbites to get elected? No, they're not. If Obama is re-elected, will he make national health (both physical and mental) a national emergency that needs to be dealt with now? No, he won't. Why not? Because he's convinced that he can't afford to be seen as arrogant, "uppity" or any other adjective you want to throw out. The Two Party Mantra continues to be, blame the Other Side if nothing gets done. He can never afford to be seen as weak in any way.

Fact for the day. "Obamacare" was written by a right wing think tank.

As part of protecting yourself, do your homework. You can't just sit back and blindly trust everything and everyone that comes along. We still don't feel safe in many ways. Even when we're around some people that we know.

Time for more tea.

Thursday, November 1, 2012

Surviving Sandy and Other Stuff (Contains potentially triggering content. Read at your own risk)

First, to all of our Stateside East Coast readers affected by Hurricane Sandy, stay safe as you deal with your particular situation. Whatever it may be, you do deserve to be heard and treated with respect. Regardless of who you're dealing with.

We're covering as many bases as possible while we try to cope with symptoms. Dissociating is still one of the hardest ones to deal with. There's anger and trying to not black out or punch out everyone you see.

Regardless of whatever you're dealing with, you do matter. Whether you're trying to survive in New York City or somewhere else, human emotions aren't a light switch that you can just turn on and off. It doesn't work like that.

If you are affected by this storm, is anyone paying attention to you? In my case, I've been laughed at and treated like dirt by everyone from therapists to law enforcement. Oh, sorry. Am I intruding on your day by talking about being a guy rape survivor? Something that I didn't ask for?

Lots of questions come to mind:

Does anyone want to admit that I exist?
Does anyone care that I do?
Would anyone care if I wasn't here?
Why is the rest of the world afraid to admit that I exist or touch me in any way?

What's one of the hardest things right now? Maybe not having anything to use to escape what feels like daily pain. In the past, it was everything from soft core porn to booze to junk food. Now, no more of that. This means of course that everything has to come out. Either in a good or a destructive way.

It may feel like the rest of the world just wants you to shut up and go away. Well, you won't. So to them, deal with it.

Wednesday, October 31, 2012

It's Your Security at Risk (Contains potentially triggering content. Read at your own risk)

One rule that we have here? Never intentionally trigger anyone. However, for our new readers, the whole point here is to talk about how rough daily survival for trauma survivors can be. If you want nice and neat govt. studies, please go elsewhere.

Having said that, a question. How do you make yourself heard when it seems like the rest of the world just wants you to go away? You didn't ask to be raped. Despite that, you're the other persons' worst nightmare. Just shut up and go away. How many times has it seemed like someone was trying to be nice, but really wanted you to just disappear?

How do you react? If they say you need to get help but then piss off, what then?

You can't have it both ways.

We could list all kinds of examples. Sandusky and Penn State. Savile and the BBC. In both cases, apparently money and power were way more important than doing the obvious right thing. My job is more important. If I say anything, this powerful person (WHO IS GOD, by the way) can destroy me. At Penn State, many students were actually asking how will this scandal affect my getting a great job and salary?

There's no apparent concern at all. No empathy, no apparent effort to realize that the obvious thing to do in these cases is to tell someone. Just close your eyes and it'll magically go away.

A silly question, but we'll ask it anyway. Are any of these valid legal defenses in these cases if you're tried for endangering innocent kids?:

I didn't know.
I didn't want to know.
I was afraid for my job.
Everybody's doing it. Everybody knew. If you said anything, you were out.
Almost all of the witnesses are women. That alone makes this case suspect. (An actual comment from BBC management).
It was the world's worst kept open secret in London.

In all of this, no effort to try and use this to explain about what the survivors go thru, usually for years afterwards. Why? Because it doesn't fit into a nice neat soundbite. If you can't do that, sorry mate. You're out of luck.

Just in my experience, not all but many people who at first appear to be listening really just want you to go away. That doesn't mean they're sick and evil people. They just don't like having their worst nightmare right in front of them.

The answer? Out of sight and out of mind.

Just like anyone else, trauma survivors deserve to be heard. We're not a commodity to be manipulated for profit. If a celebrity says they're a rape survivor, they get instant coverage. If I go public, I could be sacked for having PTSD (a "pre-existing condition"). Just because of something that's not my fault. Something that I've been fighting every single day to literally survive and not off myself.

3 out of ten people in the States have some form of PTSD. Yet, just like climate change, Obama doesn't believe that these are national emergencies that affect the security of the public. Is everything scheduled until after the election?

You Have to Protect Yourself

Some time to focus before it's back to covering bases.

At times, you almost feel like you're going to black out as you try to focus. You don't know where you are, and grounding doesn't work. You scream and fight the urge to either throw stuff thru the window, or jump out of the window. You can't stit back and do nothing. Keep in mind it's fight all of this stuff, and do everything else you have to.

Do you still have trapped body memory? Does every other person feel like a threat? We go someplace, and at the intersection it feels like downtown Kabul. Can you trust anyone? Is everyone you see around you a homicidal rapist who's going to attack and then kill you? You have to protect yourself. In a store, is anyplace or anyone NOT a threat?

When we have to, we turn everything off and just go for a walk. Sit on the balcony and look at the skyline. Screen everything. We still feel like we're about five steps ahead of the rest of the world. Am I the only one who sees this? It's like seeing the next plot twist in a movie ten minutes before it happens. Why did I pay to see this?

Protect yourself at all costs.

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

2 Days in October/5 in November (Contains potentially triggering progressive content. Read at your own risk)

Since this is a global blog, it's kind of silly to say how is your Tuesday. Instead, how's your time zone? No matter what, stay safe.

Here, its more of covering bases and trying to keep stress down. Take things in 5 second splits. How do we go from here to the kitchen? How do we go from the front door to the car without blacking out? Flashbacks and fighting to not black out still happen.

Another thing that happens? Do you feel like the world is listening to you? Right now, lots of people are saying I'm there for you. Vote for me and ______ will happen. Unless of course The Other Side says no. In which case I can then spin this to my advantage and say it's THEIR fault.

Is it all matter of who has the most money and power? Not completely.

Why? Because another part of this is self respect. One of our mantras at the moment is we have value. We matter. We're telling the truth about being raped and trying to heal from something that's not our fault. We're not a commodity to be manipulated by the Powers that Be to make them richer and more powerful than they already are.

I have nightmares and PTSD symptoms. I have bad days where I cry and feel paralyzed. Is anyone listening? Yet, I refuse to give them the satisfaction by just rolling over and doing nothing.

Like the Powers that Be say, nobody's making you read/listen to/watch this. If you don't like it, turn it off. Okay, I will.  Why torture yourself with triggering stuff? If someone else likes it, that's their business. Go somewhere else and see what happens.

Monday, October 29, 2012

Stay Safe

It must be Monday. Stay safe wherever you are in the world.

Here, we took a break for a while to try and focus and deal with symptoms and other stress. Diet's definately a part of it, and we're still trying to stick to our holistic approach. Despite the good stuff, we still have despair and at times just sit and don't know what to do.

Flashbacks and feeling abandoned still happen. Do you feel like you're being bombarded with stress? We sitll scream and fight to not black out. Because we have no choice. What kind of long term effects does that have on you?

Friday, October 26, 2012

How Do You Not Snap (Contains potentially triggering content. Read at your own risk)?

Staying in tonight after a long week. Some tea and keeping the noise down as low as possible. We feel like we've been assaulted with symptoms, and just want some quiet. 30 seconds of no dissociating. Just quiet and focus.

For a long time, it's felt like dissociating was 24/7. The reason was for your system to protect itself. Which means it can't change overnight. We understand that. Then again, it feels like a boom box is on 24/7, and you can't turn it off. You scream and fight to not black out, and nobody listens. Or, apparently cares.

You can't sit back and do nothing. You have to be careful so you don't snap and attack somebody else. This doesn't mean perfect bliss. Just a positive balance.

On really bad days, you feel like you literally can't go back to a positive moment. The second you think you found something good, you instantly get hit by millions of flashbacks. What do you do then?

We still cry when we go to sleep at night (or try to). We still feel safer by keeping a weapon at the foot of our bed. Other times, we keep the mobile there are well. Can you trust everyone? Do you feel like you can't even trust some people that you know? We do.

Does this mean that they raped us, and we just never dealt with it? I don't know.

We cover bases and try to create as many options as possible. Despite that, it takes an enormous amount of energy. At the end of the night, you're totally wiped out.

What do you do then?

We scream and try not to literally snap. Did we permenantly damage something in our system? For a long time we poisoned outselves with tons of junk (food, not heroin). Does that mean that now we're starting to heal because we have no tolerance for that anymore?

Have you ever snapped? Do you carry a weapon to protect yourself? Do you have to fight the urge to kill everyone around you? We do.

Do you feel like you're about two weeks ahead of the rest of the world? Our intution is sharp, and we feel like we're picking up on a lot. It's like you see everything that's happening all at once, and nobody else does. We try to use it in a good way.

Do you feel like you're getting eaten alive by anger? Are you burned out or close to being burned out? If yes, how do you deal with this?

At times, we're scared. Is anybody paying attention?

Thursday, October 25, 2012

A Big Mix (Contains potentially triggering content. Read at your own risk)

The good news? Practically no sugar at all today. We almost gave in at the store and got a giant bag of chips, a giant bottle of tea and salsa. Then we caught ourselves and thought, do we want to risk blacking out from horrible tremors? No. Which means just some tea as we write this.

Is it just sugar, or all chemicals? We've heard of some people who are allergic to a huge list of chemicals and food additives. I don't think it's that in this case. However, it feels like we have no tolerance at all. At times we're scared. Did we have too much of something that's going to mess up our sugar balance? Lots of reputable sources say that alcoholics who have PTSD are also hypoglycemic (which apply in our case).

Flashbacks and anger are still happening. Not always, but at times we're scared. Are we going to snap and attack somebody? It's like you're this close to snapping, and all of the grounding techniques that you always hear about don't help.

What do you do then?

We're also struggling with abandonment. We try to focus and move forward as positively as possible. Despite that, you still feel abandoned. Every day has felt like torture for a long time.

Does anybody care?
Does anybody care if I'm alive?
Why do they insult me by saying that not acting when a little kid is raped isn't abandonment when they know it is?
Is it because they want me to just shut up and go away?
Is it because I'm their worst nightmare?
Is it because out-of-sight-and-out-of-mind is so much easier to deal with?

You can't have it both ways. You care and piss off? No, it doesn't work like that.

We don't want to hurt either ourselves or anyone else. On really bad days, we have to plan everything out. What's our escape plan? What happens so we don't snap?

The tiniest amount of stimulants is a violent trigger. We don't want to feel cheated. We don't want to feel robbed. We don't want to say fuck this and kill ourselves. We wouldn't do that.

We just want to not always feel like we're being assaulted.

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

How Much is Too Much?

Day 4 now in our stay away from stimulants diet. The emptiness is still there. At times you just shut everything off and go for a walk. Or, just sit and listen to ambient noise.

We still set boundaries. We're still trusting our intution and staying away from triggering stuff. Having said that, the despair is still there. Not to the point of wanting to hurt yourself or someone else. It's there.

We feel like we have to always be careful in our diet. The tiniest amount of sugar sets off violent symptoms. How much is too much? What's the cutoff point? Can you cut out all sugar in your diet?  So far, we're almost down to nothing.

We just want to feel like we have control over our life.

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

What Do We Do?

More job interviews today and hopefully later this week. Also, we feel like we've hit a wall. A wall in the sense that we have no tolerance for stimulants at all. The slightest amount is a violent trigger. Add to that having to screen everything you look at, listen to or watch.

You feel empty. You have things to do and places to go and you do them. Yet, it still takes an enomous amount of energy to do the smallest things.

We're really trying to cover as many bases as possible to have as many options as possible. But the feeling of emptiness is still there.

Sunday, October 21, 2012

"Debates" and other stuff

A cloudy but still nice weekend. Time to sit, enjoy my tea and catch up. It's also time to break our "no progressive political content on this blog" rule. The only reason is to help make some necessary points.

Monday (or roughly 30 hours from now in this 24/7 news cycle world), Obama and Romney will "debate" one final time. The subject will be foreign policy. Also, there will be no controversy. No dissent (asking questions not written ahead of time, turning your back on the candidates in protest, unfurling banners smuggled into the studio) will be tolerated. If you do that, your mike will be killed and you'll be arrested for "disorderly conduct" (which is now a felony when you protest in the presence of politicians).

This is "a free and open exchange of ideas"?

Despite this, nothing will get done before the election. Millions will continue to have selective amnesia about their candidate. What about third party candidates (now at least 50)? The Green Party can legally run nationally. Yet, they have "no chance". Therefore, they don't exist. They exist in the rest of the world and are doing quite well.

Again, they don't exist. The war in Afghanistan doesn't exist. Innocent people being killed don't exist. Out of sight and out of mind. All that matters is maintaining your power and money.

What else doens't exist to the Powers that Be? Trauma survivors.

Why is it that the only way to get attention to an important cause is to have a celebrity attached to it? If you don't, does that mean that all of the people struggling with this issue don't exist? Nobody knows and nobody cares?

Where I live, there's no guy rape survivor support group. Here, it's the most horrible thing to publically admit that you're a guy rape survivor. Which isn't your fault. Here in the States, it's a national law that if any rape crisis center wants any federal funding, you CANNOT mention ANYTHING at all about guy rape survivors on your website or in any of your content.

Which leads to the next question. What's your mantra right now that helps you in your healing? One for me is that I matter. My life has value. The Powers that Be think I'm their worst nightmare, and don't want anything to do with me. Because of something that's not my fault.

Would anyone be allowed to ask about guy rape survivors in Monday's debate? If I tried that, I could get arrested. For what? For daring to embarass the President on global TV about something that's not my fault?

Not all but many for many reasons have selective amnesia. They only want to face what doesn't directly affect them. 3 out of 10 people have some form of PTSD. How does that NOT affect every person?

Whether you'r a guy or a woman, do you feel like the world's listening to you? Does anyone care if you're here? Does anyone care if if you weren't? If someone says I care about you then piss off and get help, how are you supposed to react to that?

Fact: in many cases, the worst place unfortunately to try and get support is from your own family.

Despite all of this just-shut-up-and-go-away attitude from many others, you do matter. Your life does have value. The politicians only care about money, power and maintaining that at all costs. Everything comes down to a soundbite. How do I spin this to make me look good? What will you do in return for me?

If there was a National Guy Rape Survivor Support Network, would anyone give them the time of day? Right now, no. Because it's against the law if you want any funds.

You're told to go away and get help. Yet, almost nobody wants anything to do with you. Now, what do you do?

Friday, October 19, 2012

What's Your Plan Today?

Yes, it really is Friday. There's nothing to see on TV. Nothing will really happen politically until after the Nov. 6th election (maybe the same is true worldwide?). Which means depending on your point of view, this could be a tremendous timesaver.

It could also mean it becomes easier to protect yourself from triggering stuff. This week we've been bombarded with triggering stuff, flashbacks and painful body memory. It's like horrible flashbacks where you literally scream and fight to snap out of it. You don't know where you are, what's real or what else to do. You feel at times you're this close to snapping and killing everyone who gets in your way.

Another way to look at it? Part of it is detoxifying from triggering stuff. It seems we're allergic to a lot of foods that we took for granted. The tiniest amount makes symptoms worse. It throws your body chemistry off and you don't know what to do.

Do you feel at times like you're going to blackout because body memory is too much to handle? What happens if the usual grounding techniques don't work? What do you do then?

We don't want to feel robbed or cheated. We just want some sense of balance.

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Your Mix for the Day (Contains Potentially Triggering Content. Read at your own risk)

Today, a lot of places to go and things to do. Also, tonight the second Presidential "debate". Actually, it's not a debate. Did you know that both Obama and Romney signed a 21-page contract that specifically forbids anyone asking any remotely embarassing or controversial question? Which means it's a commercial.

Nothing controversial. Nothing embarassing. That's just not tolerated.

Do you feel like you're being heard when you try to talk about being a trauma survivor? Regardless of what the cause was, does anyone pay attention to you? Or, do you feel like you have to fight to literally feel like one person is paying attention?

Where I live, there are lots of guy rape survivors. Yet, there is no support group for them. Why? Because for some reason here it's the worst thing in the world to admit that's what you are. It's not your fault. Also, you don't have to do anything. On the other hand, what does that say when you're in a major city and theres literally no place to turn to?

Does this mean these people are bad in some way? No. It's just sad in my opinion that no one feels secure enough to be able to speak out without being ridiculed. Because let's face it. In today's 24/7 global celebrity megahype news cycle, trauma isn't trending as high as what Obama had for lunch. Sorry, if it's not happening, we don't care.

When we got shut out by literally every place we turned to to be heard, we said ok, enough. We'll start our own network. Do any of the Powers that Be read this blog? We do have readers in places like LA, New York, Washington, D.C. London, Toronto, Moscow, Tel Aviv. You know who you are.

Do you think that I'm a threat for posting here? Does Obama think I'm a "terrorist" for opposing the Afghan war? Many just want rape survivors (men or women) to just get over it. Then shut up and go away.

Unfortunately, they won't. Why? Because all human beings who are trauma survivors deserve to be heard. Whether you're a psycho pedophile or a CIA covert operative, torture is torture. It never works.

If you really want to help trauma survivors, do you want them to feel like they're out of sight and out of mind? How would you feel if it seemed literally like there was no one to turn to? Do you have to use buzz words to get someone's attention?

If you want to watch the "debate", that's your choice. Just bear in mind that nothing controversial will be permitted. Nothing remotely embarassing or anything that will actually require someone to tell the truth. Because first, it's legally prohibited. Second, it's an "event". It's an ad campaign where the Brands will be hyped as much as possible. Besides, for the money that we're spending on this campaign, we want our money's worth.

Monday, October 15, 2012

It's All Connected

More nightmares last night. You scream and sit up. Where are you? Are you really hearing noise from the neighbors upstairs? Or, is it just the dream?

Other than that, we're just trying to take things in tiny splits. Despair is still there. We're also trying to get over an ear infection. It feels like we're allergic to some of our favorite foods. Stay off of these, and the swelling goes down. How will we live without these?

All of this says that your body/mind connection is real. Chi, or body energy is also real. We try to focus this thru meditation and tai chi. Other ways are to use your acupuncture points throughout your body to focus better.

Do you feel like you're going to snap? Do you scream and fight to not black out? We still have to deal with that.

Thursday, October 11, 2012

Debate Night Symptoms

Time to break our no progressive political content rule for a second. Whatever you decide to do before the election, just base it on actual facts. NOT what somebody else tells you is a "fact".

More job leads to cover. Missed out on one. Now, at least three others. Possibly more. Still no sign of the personal assisant, though.

Symptoms and anger are still there. We have to fight off lucid dreams as well. If we don't, we'll fall apart. At the end of the day we're totally wiped out. What else can we do?

At times, for some reason we also have thoughts about seeing our life from the outside. It's not a death wish at all. It's more like getting hit with flashbacks to where it felt like our life was threatened, and nobody cared. Does it matter to you if I'm alive? Would you care if I wasn't here? We have to fight really heard to keep our sense of balance.

How do you cope with that anger and sadness all at once?

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Lots to Do

Today, it's a mix. One minute, you're sad and trying to keep some sense of focus. Then, you're screaming and fighting to not black out. You literally feel like you're going to snap in two. Yet, what happens if you do black out?

Now, we can go back to job hunting. It still feels like it takes enormous amounts of energy to be able to cover all the bases. All of the mental health sources that we trust say the same thing. You're not going to have a psycotic break. This is backed up trauma that needs to come out. Having said that, how do you try to not attack somebody when you can barely focus?

Our mantra at the moment: we matter. We have value. It's not your fault. We're not responsible for what others do and say. However, we do protect ourselves.

Back to covering more bases.

Saturday, October 6, 2012

Cars, Funerals and More (Contains potentially triggering stuff. Read at your own risk)

Just in case you thought I disappeared. Not the case at all. Instead, it's been a INCREDIBLY STRESSFUL week. Bear with me as I try to get thru a lot of extremely triggering stuff.

My car was totalled due to two wrecks (not my fault).
My car coverage firm believes in never knowing or talking to anyone else in another office.
They wouldn't give me an extension on a car rental to have more time to find the next car.
There was a funeral. I almost didn't go, because the person who died had a pedophile husband (who's now dead, and was one of the psycho rapists who repeatedly raped us). At the last minute, I decided to do, and it was one of the most horrible experiences ever.

You're sitting there and being bombarded by millions of triggering things. People are standing up and walking around saying oh how wonderful these people were. Not one of them told the truth about the husband. Not one said anything about the hell that we went thru. The terror of being raped and NOBODY did anything about it.

Nobody did anything.
Nobody said anything.
Nobody reassured us in any way.
No one had the human decency to say this is incredibly stressful for you. I'm so sorry you were raped.

Nobody did anything.

You want to scream. You want to go on a rampage. You want revenge. But none of those things will happen. You fight sick horrible lucid dreams and trying to not black out as you scream.

Nobody is going to listen, care or help you in any way.

Does anyone care if I'm alive?

You don't want to get eaten alive by anger. Yet, nobody cares.

Now, we try to keep this in mind. First, we matter. You set boundaries and protect yourself as best you can. If others are incredibly cold and couldn't care less about not helping you, they have to live with that. Not me.

Finally found a car today. It's "certified pre-owned". For our intl. readers, that's a polite way of saying "a used car that's been repaired to be close to new". Some problems to deal with which we'll do on Monday.

In the meantime, how do you cope with anger and frustration?

Sunday, September 30, 2012

I'm Not Sure How to Feel

The past couple of weeks have been really rough. Two car accidents (both not my fault). Struggling with symptoms. Then, my grandmother passed away. Now, it's struggling with symptoms as you try in some way to show support.

I'm not sure how to feel. The grandfather (now dead) was a notorious abusive alocholic pedophile. We still have nightmares of him sneaking into the room and raping us. You're terrified to move as you scream and fight to not black out or die.

Nobody will touch us in a reassuring way. Nobody will say we're sorry that you were raped. Nobody will say we know this funeral is a horribly triggering situation for you.

No support at all.

What would you do?

Thursday, September 27, 2012

A Lot to Deal With

Did I mention this already? Found out that my car is totalled. Now, waiting to hear from the
claims adjustor about my settlement offer. Also, lots of shopping for a used car and other stuff. I'm trying really hard to keep my balance as best I can. How do we get thru the next five seconds?

Dissociating is still tough to deal with. Is the other person a threat, or not? Will the other people walking by me in the store pull out a weapon and try to kill us? Hyperawareness is still there. We still don't feel safe around some people that we know.

Body memory and pain is still there. Do you still have to fight off endless lucid dreams? We scream at times and aren't sure. Will we black out? If we do, what happens then?

How do we get thru the next five seconds?

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

A Lot to Do

Covered a lot of stuff today (everything from re-checking the scene of the hit-and run to more calls to the agent). Still no word from the body shop.

Take things in tiny splits. How do we get thru the next five seconds? Do you feel like you have to screen everything? We do. At times, it feels like non-stop torture. On the other hand, you have to fight back. Do that and keep up with everything else.

How do we get thru the next five seconds?

Monday, September 24, 2012

Why Is This Happening?

One minute, you feel like there's some sense of focus. Then, you get hit in a hit-and-run accident. As far as I know, I'm ok. I have six witnesses who helped me with the description of the nutcase that tried to run the light. Now, in the next few days I find out how much the repairs will be.

Why is this happening to me? Two accidents in the past 2-3 weeks. Getting bombarded every day with dissociating and other symptoms. Feeling at times like there's NEVER a break. What's next?

Saturday, September 22, 2012

Quite a Mix

Quite a mix today. Sunny weather, dissociating, fighting to not black out. Trying to stay off sugar so it won't make things worse. Also, struggling to deal with how severe trauma has been.

Does it feel to you at times like there's always something that you haven't dealt with? One minute, you feel like there's some focus. The next, you're this close to offing yourself. You won't. But that despair is there. You have to fight really hard to not give in.

You scream and try to have literally one minute with no dissociating. Yet, in my case it feels like the pain never ends. What do you have to do?

We still have problems with a stuck fight-or-flight mechanism. It's like you scream to get anger out, and almost pass out. Then, it starts all over again. You can't just sit back and do nothing. What then do you do?

I'm not sure.

Friday, September 21, 2012

All At Once

It is Friday. It's also time to just stay in tonight and pay attention to how you feel.

There's lots of anger and frustration. Fight to not dissociate or lose sensation in different parts of your body. Fight the disfunctional "you're _______" loop that you feel like you've been subjected to for a really long time. If you sit back and do nothing, you feel like an empty shell.

Part of it is trying to pay attention to your mind/body connection. Does this mean that horrible trauma scars you for life? No. However, it has to come out and can in everything from pneumonia to heart disease and other ways as well.

You don't want to hurt yourself or anyone else. Yet, you feel like you have to always be on guard.

Do you ever have a day when it doesn't feel like EVERYTHING is triggering? The slightest thing can make you feel like you're losing sensation in different parts of your body. You have to fight to not black out or literally just roll over and die.

There's sadness and emptiness. Somebody's telling you to just shut up and go away. You literally walk out with almost nothing. They shut the door behind you. Then, where do you go? Nobody will listen to you or help you.

On the other hand, you refuse to give them the satisfaction.

That's enough for one night.

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Trying to Stay Grounded (Contains graphic content. Read at your own risk)

A mix of a lot of stuff today. Met up with a friend for lunch, and it helped to get some support for dealing with symptoms. She can only take so much, which means respecting someone else's boundaries. Then, more job leads and maybe some more interviews in the next week.

As for symptoms, fear is still there. I have to check a room to make sure it's safe to go into. You have to check the bed when you go to sleep to make sure the psycho rapist isn't there. You have lucid dreams where you have to fight your way out of being pinned down before you get raped and then your throat gets cut. Everything feels real. The fear of not being heard or helped. Does anyone care?

As you go thru this and everything else you have to do, by the end of the day you can barely move. Then, you have to do it the next day. Wake up and try to not dissociate. Fight to focus. Then you need time to meditate and focus your chi so you don't feel half asleep all day long. It's like you have to almost shock yourself awake.

Does this happen to you?

Horrible body memory is there. Anal pain, in your shoulders, bruises appear and won't go away. Dissociating at times feels like a really bad migrane. Will you black out? What happens then?

You have to protect yourself from triggering stuff that happens everywhere. While you don't want to attack anyone, you have to be careful. If not, you could end up dissociating for literally weeks before you have some sense of balace again. This says how severe trauma has been in my case.

You try to stay focused. This isn't "abnormal" in any way. You don't know where you are. It's not strange.

You don't want to feel cheated or to have a death wish. But the fear is there. What do you do?

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Leads and More

Lots of bases to cover and place to go. Dissociating is still tough to deal with. You wake up and have to focus your energy to try and feel centered. Even after you do that, you still have to fight it all day long. You don't know where you are. You try to hold onto solid things and you still have to fight to not black out.

There's fear at night as well. Nightmares still happen. Lucid dreams happen during the day (many times at the worst times). You scream and fight to not disappear. Will anybody care if you do?

We don't want to be burned out and angry forever. On the other hand, if trauma doesn't come out one way, it will come out in others.

Back to the job leads.

Saturday, September 15, 2012

Let's Review the Rules

Kind of overcast today as we went to another potential job interview. No interview, but the usual "if we like you, we'll call you. Don't call us". Then, catching up on writing and other stuff at home. Also, some time to just turn off and just listen to quiet.

Time now to explain a key idea here. At times, the Powers that Be do really stupid stuff that forces us to break our "no triggering current event content" here to make a point. Since we started this blog, the ONLY time we'll post current event stuff is IF it helps to explain something about some type of trauma. If not, we won't do it. If you want to read progressive political content, please go check one of the millions of progressive blogs.

The rules here are very basic:

If we post potentially triggering content, we always try to put a disclaimer. It's only fair.
No progressive political content UNLESS it helps to explain something about trauma.
No Google Ad Sense ads.
No online store pushing everything from T-shirts to coffee mugs and anything else we can unload on you.
No corporate partners, and for this reason. In every case that we've seen this done, that means having to deal with boardroom decisions that many times do anything but help the overall purpose of this blog. Why then would you willingly put yourself in that position? Sorry, but people's trauma and healing is not a corporate profit center.
If you link to us, please NO SPAM links (Russian mafia, buy gold now, Ron Paul in 2012, etc.).
If you're a trauma therapist and you help people with PTSD, great. However, please. No trolling here for new business. It's unethical and you could lose your license if you get caught. Then again, you already knew that.

Everything here is for free. In return, please only link and post us where you believe it will help and not hurt anyone's overall healing.

Friday, September 14, 2012

Graphic Pain (Contains potentially extremely triggering content. Read at your own risk)

It's a mixed bag today. It's Friday. Got a job call back, but it's for a bi-lingual position (and I'm not). More possible interviews tomorrow. Still no sign of the personal assistant.

Also, horrible pain overall from being raped. Like lots of trauma survivors, you try to cope in different ways. In my case? Various drugs, junk food, soft core porn and for a short time, hookers. However, none of that helped. Finally, you hit rock bottom and say, this isn't working. Now, the good news is that I don't do any of that anymore. Occasionally a nice snack. But nothing like I used to.

This means that the healthier you are, the more trauma will come out. At times you literally feel paralyzed. You don't want to kill yourself, because you won't give them the satisfaction. On the other hand, it literally almost hurts to get up and walk across the room. There's nothing physically wrong. Yet, it just won't go away.

Last night had another nightmare where one of the psycho pedophiles snuck up on me in the middle of the night to rape me. We screamed and for a second were paralyzed with fear. Fortunately we woke up in time.

Now, what's next?

Thursday, September 13, 2012

Fighting Against Abuse (Contains Potentially Triggering Content. Read at your own risk)

Today, catching up on a lot of stuff at home. More job interviews to come in the next few days. At times, there's also some moments of clarity. It's like you can't focus for a really long time. Then suddenly you can, and you don't know what to do.

Every day since I was raped by two psycho pedophiles, I've been fighting to not fall apart. Imagine every day it's endless abuse and what feels like torture. Nobody will listen and nobody will help. It's not you fault. Yet, for whatever reasons, some actually blame you and get pissed off that you're spoiling their day by having the nerve to bring up being raped.

While everybody's different in their stories and healing, we've all had lots of horrible abuse to deal with. To be clear, what is abuse?


If every single day you feel like everywhere you turn the world is telling you you're _________, what do you do to not fall apart as you struggle to deal with trauma? On top of the trauma of being raped, you're being told don't expect any sympathy from me. You fix it, not me. Weakness isn't tolerated.

How does a normal human being who didn't ask to be traumatized respond to that?

You don't want to hurt yourself.
You don't want to hurt anybody else.
You don't want to kill them and do life for murder.

How do you cope with this? In my case, there's sadness, anger and emptiness. At times, you just sit and feel paralyzed. You go thru the motions and feel like there's nothing there.

I can't afford to go to a live therapist right now. Instead, when necessay I use a crisis line for help. In addition, if the next job means moving (how hard can it be?) and getting help is part of the deal that's okay overall, why not? We'll see as we go.

Today, only podcasts and tapes. Everything else is way too triggering.

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

It Has to Come Out

It's a very triggering kind of day. Everything has to be screened. Listen to online radio for maybe 10 seconds at a stretch. Then, turn it down or just off and do something else. You can't read that. You can't watch this. What do you do?

Maybe the first is to trust your intuition. This won't help. I can't eat some of my old favorite foods because they're too depressing and make symptoms worse. At times, you don't know where you are. You have to check a room to make sure it's safe to be there. You check your car to make sure no one's hiding in the back. Go to a crowded store, and have an escape plan.

The pressure at times builds up, and you scream and fight to not black out.

It's not "abnormal". It's complex dissociative disorder and Rape Survivor Syndrome.

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Fight to Not Dissociate (Contains potentially triggering content. Read at your own risk)

Lots of bases to cover today. Also, struggling not to dissociate.

I keep reminding myself, I have complex dissociative disorder and Rape Survivor Syndrome. It's not my fault. I'm not psycotic or "abnormal" in any way. However, at times I don't know where I am. I feel like I'm dissolving or turning into someone else. It's like you're losing the essense of what makes you unqiue.

Lucid dreams still happen. The latest one is where the psycho pedophile tries to grab you from behind, rape you and cut your throat because he gets off on it. You have to fight back stab him to break free and then kill him. Nobody will help you. If you don't fight back, you'll literally fall apart.

This happens about 20 or 30 times a day. Deal with that AND everything else you have to do.

On bad days, you have to check the room you're in to make sure it's safe. Is anyone else in the car that could be a threat? If you're at an intersection, is the other person going to attack you? What's your weapon? In a crowded store, how do you get out safely without hurting either yourself or anyone else?

We just want to have some sense of balance. Despite that, right now it's really exhausting to fight thru all of this.

Sunday, September 9, 2012

A Hectic Weekend

How's your weekend? Yesterday, it was one thing after another. Job interview, see a famous person shopping in the same store you're in. Then, getting rear ended twice on the way home (their fault, not mine). Today, staying home for a while and catching up on a lot.

We're trying really hard not to end up bitter and cynical forever. You protect yourself and set boundaries where you need to. However, the despair and emptiness is still there. It's a sunny day, and you feel miserable.

On the other hand, you have to get it out in the most non-threatening way possible. It's tough when at times you feel like many people just don't want you around. Some try to be polite. But they really just want you to go away. They don't show any comprehension of what you're dealing with. Or, any apparent concern.

You can't make someone understand. Does that also mean that you don't deserve basic human respect?

Friday, September 7, 2012

How Hot Is It in Your Neighborhood?

Sunny today with a high of 110F. Fortunately, inside we have lots of ice tea, ice and chips and salsa. Hopefully we won't melt.

In the meantime, we still have to fight to scream and get anger out. Our stuck fight-or-flight mechanism is still a problem. It's like you almost black out, but you can't because if you do you'll disappear. Then, will you come back? Will one of my multiples lash out and then you have no idea of what they did or said?

Trying not to dissociate is extremely painful. It feels like depression and pressure that never goes away. Will you have a heart attack? Will you just snap and fall apart? Focusing at times takes an enormous amount of energy. How then do you cope with everything else you have to do?

I'm just trying to keep protection and balance in mind.

Thursday, September 6, 2012

Do You Trust Everything?

Another rough night with lots of nghtmares. What do you do when you wake up at 3 a.m. and can't go back to sleep. Turn on the radio and TV to have stimulus to keep you from dissociating.

Now, another interview tomorrow and other leads to cover as well. We're fighting depression as well. Some of your formerly favorite foods and other things just feel empty. Just try to keep your balance as best you can.

As for setting boundaries, continue to protect yourself as much as possible. Unless you have to deal with something, ask why am I doing this? What if you do something else? Is it worth it to possible dissociate for hours? Or, go the other way and keep some sense of balance?

Many survivors have the feeling of being steps ahead. If you would just listen to me and do what I say, this would be SO much easier. It's great to be aware and care. That being said, it's not your job to save the world. Also, to take on everyone else's trauma. It's too much.

Use your intuition. Do your homework and work off of actual facts. Not what someone else tells you is a "fact".

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Coping Ideas

A really rough day on Tuesday. Accidentally too much sugar which led to almost suicidal thoughts. We would never do that, or hurt somebody else. Having said that, it's important to actually admit that those thoughts are there (instead of denying them).

Now, covering lots of job leads and getting ready for another interview on Friday. There's still despair and fighting dissociating. At times it's extremely painful and hard to focus. There's also body pain all over. It feels like somebody's trying to beat you down EVERY SINGLE DAY. With no breaks.

How do you cope with that?

Tip for the day to cope with dissociating. Try checking out the National Debt Clock site. The idea is to focus on something tangible to distract you and get out of the dissociating loop. The main page has about 50 different catagories that are constantly being updated. The perfect video streams to keep you occupied.

Back to the job leads.

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

Despair, Protection, and Doing the Right Thing (contains progressive political content to make important points)

Staying in tonight and trying to focus while emptiness is still there. We have to multitask, but we're trying to screen stuff as we go along.

We still have to fight dissociating. In the past, at times we used sexual substitutes for actual relationships. And to be honest, to escape really horrible pain that we're still dealing with. Nobody would laugh at you or treat you like crap. They'd do whatever you wanted, with no questions asked. Eventually, you reach a point where you say, no more of this. I like real relationships with real women. Not images on a screen.

This meant getting rid of a lot of triggering stuff that I should have trashed a long time ago. Like lots of other people in this economy, who doesn't need extra money? If you can make money out of it, back it up. If not, just trash it.

Another part of the despair is feeling at times like you can save the world from all the evil neocons, pedophiles and others. It's a nice idea, but you can't. Instead, protect yourself, be aware, care, and then take a small area to work on. Then, as various activists (Harry Belafonte, Paul McCartney and others) say, go out and kick butt. Doing something always beats doing nothing.

For all our US readers. Whatever you do in November, make your decision based on facts. Not what you think is a "fact". Or, what someone else expects you to obediently follow.

Just one opinion.

Sunday, September 2, 2012

Coping with Pain (Contains potentially triggering content. Read at your own risk).

More emptiness, fear and frustration to deal with. It feels like severe depression that won't go away. Another part of this is trying to keep some clarity in-between horrible dissociating. Speaking of dissociating, I need some help from you. This isn't trying to intentionally trigger anybody. Instead, we have readers here from almost all 50 states and over 40 countries. Think of it as collective problem solving.

It's taken me a really long time to get to a point of being able to focus for more than 15 seconds and not dissociate. Not normal daydreaming. Instead, non-stop not feeling in control to hide horrible pain. I know it's a normal survival response. Having said that, being a normal person, imagine fighting this all day every day for years with no break. You can't sit back and do nothing. If you do, you'll literally dissolve, and nobody will care.

Now, at times it feels like there's some clarity. When there is, it's total emptiness. This tells me that for whatever reason(s), I never totally faced the total horror of what happened. Also, feeling abandoned. You literally feel like you can't trust anybody. Almost every times you see a little kid, at first you think they're okay. Then, what if they're not? What if the parent(s) are pedophiles?

How do you save every little kid from psycho pedophiles? Especially when nobody saved you?

You feel empty and paralyzed. You wake up in the morning, and everything feels black. You try and focus to feel somewhat normal. Despite that, you still feel empty. We won't go back on medications, because that only made things worse.

Now, what helps you to cope? You don't want to hurt either yourself or anyone else. On really bad days you just sit and try to focus so you don't snap in a crowded place.

If you have any ideas, please post. You don't have to do anything. All I'm doing is talking honestly about what it's like to be a trauma survivor. We all have different stories and rates of healing. Also, we all have fear.

At times, I'm scared. Will I always have this?

How to Screen Everything

Enjoying your holiday weekend? No TV today. After this, time for a nice lunch.

First, the pressure and emptiness are still there. We just try to keep in mind that it's trauma coming out. It's not abnormal. It's not an imminent nervous breakdown. However, that still doesn't make it less scary at times as you try to focus.

As for the triggering stuff that's everywhere you look, our suggestion is screen everything. Do you really need to look at this? Unless your boss says yes, ask why. Is this really necessary? Or, is this going to cause endless dissociating and other problems. Do you really need to dissociate for two weeks after trying to deal with some of this? That's happened to us.

Some other ideas:

You can't make others understand about trauma.

You're not responsible for what others do and say.

You have to protect yourself, because nobody else will do it for you.

Unless you're a CEO or a doctor, do you really need to be available 24/7?

Do you feel like you can trust anyone?

How do you keep your trauma symptoms in check?

Is PTSD a mental illness? Or, an emotional/physical problem?

It's taken us a really long time to get to the point of feeling like we can actually get anger out without blacking out (because of a stuck fight-or-flight mechanism). Which means that's good. But it's also sad and frustrating all at the same time.

Have a fun day.