Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Trying to Stay Grounded (Contains graphic content. Read at your own risk)

A mix of a lot of stuff today. Met up with a friend for lunch, and it helped to get some support for dealing with symptoms. She can only take so much, which means respecting someone else's boundaries. Then, more job leads and maybe some more interviews in the next week.

As for symptoms, fear is still there. I have to check a room to make sure it's safe to go into. You have to check the bed when you go to sleep to make sure the psycho rapist isn't there. You have lucid dreams where you have to fight your way out of being pinned down before you get raped and then your throat gets cut. Everything feels real. The fear of not being heard or helped. Does anyone care?

As you go thru this and everything else you have to do, by the end of the day you can barely move. Then, you have to do it the next day. Wake up and try to not dissociate. Fight to focus. Then you need time to meditate and focus your chi so you don't feel half asleep all day long. It's like you have to almost shock yourself awake.

Does this happen to you?

Horrible body memory is there. Anal pain, in your shoulders, bruises appear and won't go away. Dissociating at times feels like a really bad migrane. Will you black out? What happens then?

You have to protect yourself from triggering stuff that happens everywhere. While you don't want to attack anyone, you have to be careful. If not, you could end up dissociating for literally weeks before you have some sense of balace again. This says how severe trauma has been in my case.

You try to stay focused. This isn't "abnormal" in any way. You don't know where you are. It's not strange.

You don't want to feel cheated or to have a death wish. But the fear is there. What do you do?

1 comment:

Zoompad said...
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