Today, catching up on a lot of stuff at home. More job interviews to come in the next few days. At times, there's also some moments of clarity. It's like you can't focus for a really long time. Then suddenly you can, and you don't know what to do.
Every day since I was raped by two psycho pedophiles, I've been fighting to not fall apart. Imagine every day it's endless abuse and what feels like torture. Nobody will listen and nobody will help. It's not you fault. Yet, for whatever reasons, some actually blame you and get pissed off that you're spoiling their day by having the nerve to bring up being raped.
While everybody's different in their stories and healing, we've all had lots of horrible abuse to deal with. To be clear, what is abuse?
If every single day you feel like everywhere you turn the world is telling you you're _________, what do you do to not fall apart as you struggle to deal with trauma? On top of the trauma of being raped, you're being told don't expect any sympathy from me. You fix it, not me. Weakness isn't tolerated.
How does a normal human being who didn't ask to be traumatized respond to that?
You don't want to hurt yourself.
You don't want to hurt anybody else.
You don't want to kill them and do life for murder.
How do you cope with this? In my case, there's sadness, anger and emptiness. At times, you just sit and feel paralyzed. You go thru the motions and feel like there's nothing there.
I can't afford to go to a live therapist right now. Instead, when necessay I use a crisis line for help. In addition, if the next job means moving (how hard can it be?) and getting help is part of the deal that's okay overall, why not? We'll see as we go.
Today, only podcasts and tapes. Everything else is way too triggering.