Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Fight to Not Dissociate (Contains potentially triggering content. Read at your own risk)

Lots of bases to cover today. Also, struggling not to dissociate.

I keep reminding myself, I have complex dissociative disorder and Rape Survivor Syndrome. It's not my fault. I'm not psycotic or "abnormal" in any way. However, at times I don't know where I am. I feel like I'm dissolving or turning into someone else. It's like you're losing the essense of what makes you unqiue.

Lucid dreams still happen. The latest one is where the psycho pedophile tries to grab you from behind, rape you and cut your throat because he gets off on it. You have to fight back stab him to break free and then kill him. Nobody will help you. If you don't fight back, you'll literally fall apart.

This happens about 20 or 30 times a day. Deal with that AND everything else you have to do.

On bad days, you have to check the room you're in to make sure it's safe. Is anyone else in the car that could be a threat? If you're at an intersection, is the other person going to attack you? What's your weapon? In a crowded store, how do you get out safely without hurting either yourself or anyone else?

We just want to have some sense of balance. Despite that, right now it's really exhausting to fight thru all of this.

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