Monday, June 29, 2015

Don't Sit Back and Do Nothing

Really exhausted after a long day of fighting symptoms. Don't dissociate. You feel like you're going to snap in two, and you have to fight back. Does long term horribly severe stress cause auto immune illnesses? I'm still working on saving money so I can go for more tests (cortisol being one).

You have to fight back.

Saturday, June 27, 2015


Sorry to be away for a few days. It wasn't by choice. It was due to being totally wiped out from symptoms. Today, non stop fighting to not dissociate. You struggle with how violently severe psychosis symptoms were and continue to be. You can't sit back and do nothing. Which means on really bad days you just stay home and in bed. You have to protect yourself.

You're not insane
You're not crazy
You're not weird
You're not abnormal in any way

Don't dissociate. Do something else. You scream and fight to not snap. You're not a danger to anybody. Weird thoughts about raping little kids come to mind. But you'd never act on them.

You're not weird. You're not insane.

Sorry, but I need a break right now. More later.

Tuesday, June 23, 2015

No Matter What, Don't Black Out

Resting right now to try and get some sense of chi flow again. All day long it's been being bombarded with symptoms. Don't black out. Don't dissociate. Constantly fighting to have some sense of balance. Imagine trying to go out for a run, and as your legs move, you lose sensation in them. This means lots of massage and staying away from stimulants as a few ways to try and deal with it.

You scream to try and not black out. But what else can you do?

Monday, June 22, 2015

Protect Yourself

More struggle in battling symptoms. Psychosis symptoms still happen. At times you don't know where you are. Weird thoughts that don't seem to be connected come out of nowhere. Why? I'm not sure. Despite that, you have to fight to regain some sense of being grounded. You can't just sit back and do nothing.

I have to take breaks when dealing with lots of different stimulus. I can't listen to any tunes for more than about 30 seconds. Beyond that, you feel like you're going to snap. Some days there's no noise. Just peace and quiet. Trying to feel safe.

No matter what, we're not abnormal in any way.

Sunday, June 21, 2015

The Severity of Your Symptoms

Kind of a semi chill day. Some things to do online, but also a non stop battle to not dissociate and lose sensation in parts of my body to adrenalin surges. And as if that's not enough, I still struggle with psychosis symptoms. I've never been diagnosed as psychotic or schizophrenic. But they're still there.

It's like you're fighting for your life. Holding on to the edge of a cliff so you don't fall off and vanish forever. In all fhat time, NOBODY listened to me or helped me. It took roughly thirty years before the first therapist who actually listened to me and helped for a short time.

Now I go to a new one and a psychiatrist (in addition to the heart appointments). I know it's not my fault. But it's a real struggle to deal with the severity of your symptoms.

One thing to try and cope is to set boundaries where necessary. I do a small amount online. But that's okay, because not all but a lot of current social media is recycled crap. I have better things to do with my time. Also, nobody else will look out for us.

It's a constant struggle. We're not abnormal in any way. The severity of your symptoms is equal to the severity of your trauma history.

Protect yourself.

Saturday, June 20, 2015

Don't Dissociate

Sitting at my dining room table and catching up on online stuff. No TV because it's too violent. If online content isn't violently triggering, I try to listen or watch. But no matter what, don't dissociate. In the past, violent dissociating was a survival tool. I wasn't sure what was wrong, but I knew something was. Nobody listened and nobody helped me.

Now heart disease and PTSD symptoms totally drain my chi. Formerly favorite foods are now violent triggers. If I go out somewhere, I always have to have an escape plan, just in case. You can't just sit back and do nothing. You have to fight to keep some sense of balance.

I just want to protect myself.

Friday, June 19, 2015

A Sense of Balance

Lots of errands to do today. Along the way, fighting hard to not black out from dissociating. Sometimes I just come home and lie down all afternoon because I'm so exhausted. Then again, what else can I do?

Set boundaries as best you can. Do you struggle with hypocracy from others? How do you cope with it?

Thursday, June 18, 2015

High Triggering Content Day

Just like smog alert days, today is one of those high triggering content days. Instead o saying the world, your well being comes first. Also, almost no energy today. Set boundaries, pay attention to how things affect you. And rest.

If you need me to save th world, I'm not available.

Wednesday, June 17, 2015

Occasional Moments of Clarity

More appointments this week, and battling symptoms. I told my therapist that at times I have moments of clarity. But then you also have moments of despair. You try not to feel paralyzed or just saying I give up, and then offing yourself. You have to do something.

At times, it feels like everything gets weirder and weirder. You feel like you're the only person that sees all of this, and how hypocritical it is. You scream and fight to not black out or snap. You don't want to talk to anybody. You sit next to a little kid, and you struggle to not be bombarded with thoughts about torturing and raping them.

You're not a monster
You're not insane
You're not a sociopath
You not a danger to anybody

You know all of that. Despite that, you have to fight because if you don't, you'll fall apart. Every single day, it was abuse. What else could you do but fight to survive? Now, you still have to fight.

Going out of the house isn't always a problem. Sometimes though, I just stay home and try to regain some sense of being grounded. At other times, I'm so run down that I just lie down to try and rest. When I try to go to bed, I can barely walk.

Then again, you can't not fight back. You don't have that luxury.

Do you ever feel safe? I have periods where no matter I do, you still don't feel safe. What do I do then?

Tomorrow, another blood test. My health comes first. Health is physical and mental.

Monday, June 15, 2015

How do You Feel?

Sleeping in lately to try and cope with the exhaustion from dealing with symptoms all day long. You still feel run down, and have to be careful with your diet and violnt triggering stuff.

Just trying to keep a sense of balance.

Sunday, June 14, 2015

Protecting Yourself

After a horrible day of violent dissociating, today is just rest. Don't save the world. Just rest and protect your well being.

Have a good day.

Saturday, June 13, 2015

No Matter What, Don't Dissociate

More struggle to not black out from symptoms. You're bombarded with all kinds of flashbacks and weird thoughts that come out of nowhere. No matter what, don't dissociate. You're not insane. You're not weird, a freak or a danger to anybody.

Don't black out. You can't just roll over and give up. Don't dissociate. Do something else.

You have to protect yourself.

Friday, June 12, 2015

Is It Safe to Go Outside? (Contains extreme triggering content. Read at your own risk)

How's your Friday? Here, it's one of those fight symptoms all day long. But it's always that way. How is today different?

Different in the sense of you have to constantly be moving. Always have something to focus on. If you don't, you'll be bombarded and might black out. Can I go out? You try to have some sense of being grounded before you do. Sometimes it works. Sometimes it doesn't.

If you do go out, how do you get in and out of a crowded place safely? If there are lots of little kids, what do you do? You don't want to hurt anybody (yourself or anyone else). Yet, if there are little kids around you, you have to fight split second thoughts that bombard you. I'm really scared to write this. But I'll try to be brave and face it head on:

There are lots of little kids here. This is fucking great. I could go nuts and fuck the shit out of them.
You tie them up and then torture them. It happened to you. So why not do it to someone else?
The psycho pedophile says I'm gonna fuck you till you bleed. Scream all you want. Nobody will hear you or give a fuck.
I'm not a psycho monster. I'm not a sociopath who doesn't care about anything. Yet I still have these thoughts.

You see a little kid out of the corner of your eye. You don't want to hurt them. But you have to fight really hard to keep some sense of being grounded. You're not a monster. You won't hurt them.

Then, flashbacks to the pedophile raping you. You scream, and the pain doesn't stop. Nobody who says that they care about you does anything. Nobody bursts into the room to save you. No cops do anything. There's no one to save you. No one gets arrested. You get no compensation for being tortured and almost killed more than once. Three fucking psychos that got away with prolonged rape and torture. Also, they'll never do any jail time.

You're not sick. You're not a danger to anybody. Yet, you have to do the responsible thing. If I'm struggling and can't regain some sense of being grounded, I just leave.

I'm not going to hurt myself or anybody else. At times I just turn everything off and sit quietly to try and feel safe. You have to protect yourself and others when necessary.

I can't do anymore today. Protect yourself.

Thursday, June 11, 2015

Protect Yourself

Today is one of those hypocracy is everywhere days. This means set boundaries, turn off all triggering stuff. Also, protect yourself. Especially online.

In the past, I used to have the attitude of it's my job to save the world. Then I hit a certain point where I said, no it's not. Thru necessity I've learned a lot about online and personal security. While I don't live in downtown Baghdad, I still keep these in mind in a good way.

Most online sites have some type of block feature. My attitude is be preemptive in using it. If you believe that a lot of trolls are coming from a certain area, block them first. Like any other sane and rational person, I don't have the time or patience to deal with that. Instead, just block them and move on.

Another idea. Unless it's a paying job, it's not your responsibility to save the world. Yes, some well known activist can make speeches saying we have a duty to make things better. While that may be true, your personal well being comes first. I try to not pre judge people. But many times my intuition is saying, what do they REALLY want?

Screen everything and have a good day.

Wednesday, June 10, 2015

Pay Attention to How You Feel

Another appointment today (this time with the psychiatrist). Lately we've been talking about on going nightmares and struggling with symptoms. Dissociating is one of the worst. Also, adrenalin surges. You try to go out for a run, and for a split second you can't feel your feet. You have to focus hard and try to rebalance your chi flow. Now, try doing that every day. Along with everything else.

If someone has been horribly abusive in your past and then they die, how should you feel? If you're relieved, does that make yu a bad person? No. Society dictates that when someone in your family dies, you should feel sad. But this isn't a law. Everybody's different in their trauma history and healing.

If I do some exercise every day, I'm trying to burn off some of this stored trauma chi. I've been off of caffeine for almost a year. I approach it like any other drug. If you stay off it and then use it again, the relapse gets worse and worse.

Protect yourself.

Tuesday, June 9, 2015

You Have to Fight Back

Another long day of fighting symptoms.. No matter what, don't dissociate. You have to fight back. You can't just sit back and do nothing. If you don't, you're bombarded with pain. Anal pain, testicle pain, hip pain. Every single part of your hurts.

But what else can you do?

You scream and try to not black out. You have to fight back. At times you have lucid dreams, and you strike first. You strike first and kill the psycho pedophile. You have to stop them. Nobody else will. It feels like the rest of the world talks a lot about how survivors deserve to be heard. Yet, you ask, is anybody listening?

Do you feel like you're getting bombarded with hypocracy? Can you trust anyone? The healthier you are, the sharper your intuition. I'm not always right. But I try.

You have to protect yourself.

Monday, June 8, 2015

Symptoms Are Still There

Another night of nightmares. You wake up and try to go back to sleep. But the nightmares come back. Every survivor is different. Which means this is where my healing is at right now.

Today, we're sticking to setting positive boundaries as much as possible. As far as exercise goes, I can do basically anything I want (unless I have no energy or chest pain). Today, I finally broke 1 mile in my run. Some people drink to unwind. I do other things.

Do you feel like you can trust anyone? In my case, there's been a long history of no support, abuse and lies. You don't want to be some cynical, burned out monster who says fuck everybody and I don't care anymore.  But your intuition at times says, are they lying? What do they really want?

One way that some survivors cope is to throw themselves into trying to save the world. You take on your pain and the pain of the rest of the world. I did that for a long time, and then finally realized that it's not my job. It doesn't matter what (inert name of famous activist) says about you have to do your part. Actually, no. My well being comes first. Which then means you can be more effective (f you choose to be involved in some cause).

Why do I get bombarded with sick and twisted thoughts at times? I'm not sure. At times, thoughts about raping little kids come to mind. I feel sad and usually cry all day long. But the fact that those thoughts are there DOESN'T mean that they're true.

You have to fight back. At times, you feel totally exhausted, and like you're this close to blacking out. But you can't do nothing. You have to fight back.

You just want to feel safe.

Sunday, June 7, 2015

Trying to Face Your Fear

More nightmares are happening. You try to go to sleep, and then suddenly you wake up. For a split second, where are you? You then try to go back to sleep, but it doesn't work. There's no set pattern to them. But the keep happening.

How do you deal with your fear? As best I can, I've always tried to face mine head on (unless it puts me in danger). Denial is still a problem. I can admit that I was raped by three pedophiles. But the fear still is there in questions. Why didn't I fight back? Why didn't I kill all of these motherfuckers? Where was my weapon?

I know it's not my fault. But you still ask questions at times.

Pain is still there. On bad days, you want to turn everything off and just try to feel safe. Can you trust anybody? Is everybody lying? Split second flashbacks happen where you have to fight back. You don't have a choice.

How do you try to keep your balance?

You did nothing wrong
It's not your fault
All humans get paralyzed by fear, and do what's necessary to survive
Can you trust anybody?
Where's my weapon? I strike first.
You can't sit back and do nothing
I'm not responsible for the pain of the rest of the world
I can't handle my pain and everyone else's

I don't have a death wish. But thoughts about dying are there. I'm not insane. I have health problems that I didn't ask for. I'm trying to cope with these as best I can.

Saturday, June 6, 2015

Trying for Balance

Time for some lemonade and to catch up online. I still haven't been able to get tested for allergies. But I'll trust that I'm right and stay away from lots of triggering foods. One way to look at a rash or other reactions to foods? It's also emotions that are coming out at the same time.

No matter what, don't dissociate. Do something else. At times that means turn everything off and just focus on tangible sensations. You're bombarded with flashbacks, pain and losing sensation in different parts of your body. You can't just sit back and do nothing. Which means you're totally exhausted.

Do you struggle with feeling abandoned? It's hard at times for me to take people seriously. What do you REALLY want? Is everyone lying to me? Can I trust ANYBODY?

One minute you feel like your energy level is decent. Then, you have nothing. But you try to reassure yourself (and your multiples and little kid) that's it not your fault. You did nothing wrong.

But the pain is still there.

Friday, June 5, 2015

Pay Attention to Small Things

Another day of trying to get some rest. Nightmares are happening again, I have to be really careful with my diet as well. Not only to not put on too much weight, but also because of allergies. As you try to fight to keep some sense of balance, you become more aware of small things in how you feel. How horrible symptoms have been and continue to be.

What else can you do but fight back? You feel constantly exhausted and always sore. On the other hand, you don't want to fall apart. You can't sit back and do nothing.

More appointments next week.

Thursday, June 4, 2015

Symptoms are Still There

Nightmares have come back. There's no set pattern to them. But when they happen, it' like I can't go back to sleep. I try and just when I think I am, it's more nightmares. Then, I try to just go back to bed after breakfast until I feel like I can focus. Sometimes it works, and sometimes it doesn't.

Dissociating is still one of the hardest things to cope with. No matter what, don't dissociate. Do something else. Despair is there. Sometimes you don't want to answer the phone. Just turn everything off and try to feel safe in your own home.

You're exhausted. But what else can you do but fight back.

Wednesday, June 3, 2015

Small Segments

Good news at the cardiologist appointment. Only one limitation on exercise. If you have chest pain or no energy, stop and do something else. Other than that, no med changes or surgery. Now, I can get thru my day. But it takes a LOT of energy. Many times it' do small stuff and then lie down. All of my symptoms are still there. But, I'm trying to deal with it as best I can.

Monday, June 1, 2015

Back to Appointments

Tomorrow, it's back to the cardiologist. No chest pain, but also no energy for the past few days. Also, I can barely eat small meals or drink anything. What exactly does this mean? I'm just trying to keep a sense of balance as I go along.