Monday, June 8, 2015

Symptoms Are Still There

Another night of nightmares. You wake up and try to go back to sleep. But the nightmares come back. Every survivor is different. Which means this is where my healing is at right now.

Today, we're sticking to setting positive boundaries as much as possible. As far as exercise goes, I can do basically anything I want (unless I have no energy or chest pain). Today, I finally broke 1 mile in my run. Some people drink to unwind. I do other things.

Do you feel like you can trust anyone? In my case, there's been a long history of no support, abuse and lies. You don't want to be some cynical, burned out monster who says fuck everybody and I don't care anymore.  But your intuition at times says, are they lying? What do they really want?

One way that some survivors cope is to throw themselves into trying to save the world. You take on your pain and the pain of the rest of the world. I did that for a long time, and then finally realized that it's not my job. It doesn't matter what (inert name of famous activist) says about you have to do your part. Actually, no. My well being comes first. Which then means you can be more effective (f you choose to be involved in some cause).

Why do I get bombarded with sick and twisted thoughts at times? I'm not sure. At times, thoughts about raping little kids come to mind. I feel sad and usually cry all day long. But the fact that those thoughts are there DOESN'T mean that they're true.

You have to fight back. At times, you feel totally exhausted, and like you're this close to blacking out. But you can't do nothing. You have to fight back.

You just want to feel safe.

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