Sunday, June 7, 2015

Trying to Face Your Fear

More nightmares are happening. You try to go to sleep, and then suddenly you wake up. For a split second, where are you? You then try to go back to sleep, but it doesn't work. There's no set pattern to them. But the keep happening.

How do you deal with your fear? As best I can, I've always tried to face mine head on (unless it puts me in danger). Denial is still a problem. I can admit that I was raped by three pedophiles. But the fear still is there in questions. Why didn't I fight back? Why didn't I kill all of these motherfuckers? Where was my weapon?

I know it's not my fault. But you still ask questions at times.

Pain is still there. On bad days, you want to turn everything off and just try to feel safe. Can you trust anybody? Is everybody lying? Split second flashbacks happen where you have to fight back. You don't have a choice.

How do you try to keep your balance?

You did nothing wrong
It's not your fault
All humans get paralyzed by fear, and do what's necessary to survive
Can you trust anybody?
Where's my weapon? I strike first.
You can't sit back and do nothing
I'm not responsible for the pain of the rest of the world
I can't handle my pain and everyone else's

I don't have a death wish. But thoughts about dying are there. I'm not insane. I have health problems that I didn't ask for. I'm trying to cope with these as best I can.

2 comments:

Belinda Thompson said...

You're not alone. I face the same dilemmas, fears and trust issues. My heart breaks for you reading this and I hope you have a more restful night to come.

soho44 said...

Thanks.