Thursday, January 30, 2014

Long Term Effects

While you can't go back and change the past, you can examine the long term effects of something on you. As I deal with being an outpatient, I look at my trauma history and ask, are the effects of long term untreated abuse now catching up to me? Yes, everyone's different. But if you have long term stress, symptoms may not show up for a long time. You feel okay, and nothing seems out of place. Then suddenly, your heart function drops 50%.

Something happened in the past month that caused my relapse. What exactly was it? At times, I try to go to sleep at night, and I feel like I can't control my pulse. What is it?

Tuesday, January 28, 2014

The Gap Between Survivors and the Rest

Normally, we try to stick to our "no progressive political content" rule as much as possible. Then again, you need to know the rules first before you break them. Which means that yes, we need to break this to make some points.

Tonight, Obama will make his State of the Union speech. The predictions are that he'll try to present a tougher image. I won't wait for Congress to do everything. I'll use my Executive Authority as much as possible to bypass them and actually get things done. Meanwhile, the Republicans are talking about taking "legal action". For what? Obama actually doing his job?

Part of the problem. Various problems that are right in front of you won't be mentioned. Why? Because we need to not dwell on the past. We need to join hands and look forward to the future. Hang on a minute. How can you improve anything if you refuse to face current problems head on?

You could say this about a wide range of topics. Everything from gun control to drone strikes, raising the minimum wage and more. You can also say that about various types of trauma survivors.

Do any of the rich and powerful realize that not having basic things like unemployment insuranace, a minimum wage tied to the cost of living and single payer health care endangers people's lives?

What do all trauma survivors have in common? A lifetime fight to survive against endless abuse.

Is there such a thing as economic abuse? Yes, there is. Just like sexual abuse and other types, everyone deserves to be heard. Unfortunately, if you try to do that in the MSM, you'll be censored.

Monday, January 27, 2014

Post #1,000 and Counting

Yes, eventually it does add up. Do we win something? It feels like surviving everything we have, we should. Long-term abuse, alcoholism, severe illnesses, heart diseases, almost dying 5 times in the past ten years.

And we're still here.

Today, there's been some moments of clarity and introspection. Along with the nightmares and flashbacks to being raped, there's also at times abandonment and trying to keep a sense of positive focus.

Like I told a mental health source earlier today, I don't want to die from anger. Anger at either the psychos that raped me and got away with it, or those that laughed at me and treated me like dirt.

Just trying to keep some sense of balance.

Wednesday, January 22, 2014

Cover Your Bases

Another day of covering bases and trying to keep a sense of balance as best you can. We still have PTSD symptoms and explicit body pain from being raped. Despite that, I've had almost no chest pain since I got out of the hospital.

I hope to have a referral from my GP in February to go to a psychiatrist who I've heard has experience in dealing with complex PTSD cases like mine. One concern I have is how lots of traumatic events can build up and make your symptoms worse.

How do you deal with this? Everybody's different. I've found that just going with your feelings doesn't work. It then feels like everyone who ever treated you like crap is ganging up on you.

Maybe one answer is it's not your fault. Another is as long as you're telling the truth, that's all that matters.

Monday, January 20, 2014

What Helps You?

A nice lunch, some iced tea and rest have helped somewhat to keep a better sense of balance today. Having said that though, you still struggle at times and feel exhausted fighting to not fall apart. Since you got raped, you've never had one day free of symptoms. You've never had a day where you weren't fighting to fall apart.

What else can you do? You just can't go with your feelings. If that helps someone else, good for them. I'm just talking about myself.

I don't want to go back to violently dissociating and thinking that you can escape pain, when it makes things worse. Kind of like a binging alcoholic.

Time to get out for a while.

Sunday, January 19, 2014

Dealing with Emptiness

How's your healing these days? It's really true that there are a million different stories of survivors. Everyone has their own trauna history, and now how they struggle to cope with PTSD and other symptoms. In my case, add heart disease and at times crippling feelings of abandonment.

Another thing to struggle with is violent flashbacks to being raped. Do they ever completely go away? I don't know. The body pain and nightmares are still there. It's trapped energy in different parts of your body. You try and keep a sense of balance as best you can. But it's still there.

How do you cope?

Thursday, January 16, 2014

Try for Balance

Roughly two weeks  ow out of the hospital, and almost no chest pain. Occasionally some shortness of breath as I climb some stairs. But nothing paralyzing.

Right now, it's a mix of rest, exercise and occasional doctor appointments.As far as what caused this relapse of heart disease, I'm not sure. The min thing is to try and keep my stress down as best I can, and to co er legal bases (a will and a power of attorney form). The last thing I want to do is to leave lots of stress added to an already sad time.

It's  not my fault.

Friday, January 10, 2014

Pacing Is a Big Part of It

Slept in, and tried to pace myself today as I got around. So far, luckily no chest pain or shortness of breath. Instead, just taking lots of breaks as you get tired.

It's not my fault. Just trying to keep a balance as best I can. Also, to deal with legal stuff (power of attorney and more). Regardless of your situation, always good to cover your bases, just in case.

Wednesday, January 8, 2014

A Late Happy New Year's

Sorry to be away for a while. A lot 's happened in a short time.

One minute, despite struggling with symptoms and more, I felt like I could function. Then, I had a shortness of breath that got worse and worse. Then, I had to get someone to give me a ride to an ER. My brother was helping me to try and walk in,  but I collapsed and needed a wheelchair. AN ER team then relatively stabilized Now, I've been out for almost a week, I'm in a first floor apartment, and I finally have net access again.

Like any trauma survivor that has had long term untreated PTSD stress, you ask questions:

Did I inadvertently give myself heart disease?
Did my past alcoholism and poor diet play a role in this?

I don't think that I made myself sick. Maybe though at times I didn't separate my pain from the pain of everyone  eels. You can't solve all the problems in the world overnight. Now though,  as long as I pace myself, move smart and don't do anything ultra stressful, I can do anything. I don't need to be on a strict 24/7 recovery program and have a live-in caregiver. Just keep in mind that it's both physical and mental. Being too tough on yourself will actually hurt you physically.

Any thoughts on this?