Thursday, June 27, 2013

Now There's a Third Pedophile

I've always tried to pay attention to my intuition. I'm not 100% right, but my percentage is usually good. Now, thru intuition, body memory and flashbacks I'm struggling with a third pedophile that raped me over a period of time.

It's somebody that I knew.
The rapes happened in a familiar place surrounded by various people you're familiar with.
I can't see this psycho's face. However, I can see and relive everything else.

Lots of things to struggle with. Fear, anger, despair. Wondering how you be this sick to do this to an innocent little kid.

If I'm around some people that I know, at times I don't feel safe. Is one of them the third psycho pedophile that's never been convicted? I don't know.

However, I do know that I'll still file the police report and other forms with my compensation claim. I want some sense of validation. Is that too much to ask?

Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Lots of Bases to Cover

Lots of job hunting, trying to find out more about regular therapy. And now, filing a police report on the psycho pedophiles that raped me. An attorney says I have to get a police report to add to a claim for victim compensation. Then, it takes months for someone to make a decision.

Like any trauma survivor, one thing I want is a sense of validation. The other thing to bear in mind is that I'm telling the truth. No matter what happens, it's not my fault.

Sunday, June 23, 2013

Do Everything You Can

Lots to do at home right now. Then, maybe off to the bookstore to stock up on some new magazines. It sucks when you see the online version and they only give you two sentences of their cover story. For the rest (and to get past our pay wall), please pay $29.95. No thanks.

What's one of the hardest things to deal with right now with PTSD symptoms? Realizing that some people will never change from massive denial about being raped. I've done everything I reasonably can, and the parents will be in denial for the rest of their lives about me being raped, and the fact that they committed a serious crime by not doing anything about it.

What does this mean? They have to live with that, not me. It's not my job to psychoanalyze them or save them in any way. I won't be manipulated by a bully's massive denial of the truth. You have to set boundaries and protect yourself because nobody else will do it for you. I'm sad, but I know I'm telling the truth. That's all that matters.

The therapist appt. is in about two weeks. Meanwhile, it's protect your overall well being, find a new job, stop borrowing money and then get off benefits.

Why is it that many will never admit that guys and women get raped? You've heard the excuses:

The percentage is so low it's not worth even talking about.
The "feminist" answer: Men continue to have the power in society. So how could they possibly understand what it's like for women? And no, I don't give a shit what the fuck guys think about that.

These are various "experts" in mental health and just in general people that most would assume would actually know better. Yet, there's some unwritten rule that we just don't talk about that in polite society.

Guy survivors exist. Everyone knows it. Despite that, we'll fight you every step of the way before we stoop that low and publically admit that?

What does it take to be heard? Do I have to post a KONY 2012 style You Tube clip? If I did, would I instantly get 4 million comments on it? I've posted comments in various high profile sites. 98% of the time NOBODY responds. Of course, nobody has to do anything. Despite that, what does that say?

Understandably, many survivors aren't ready to seek help or speak out.
There's no way for the MSM to get ratings from this UNLESS it's yet another "shocking expose" about innocent little kids getting raped by a pedophile priest who we all know will never ever be prosecuted. But it makes for great TV.

I can post a clip about being a rape survivor, and maybe I'll get 50 hits. Meanwhile, Samuel L. Jackson can post a clip, say motherfucker and get 3 million.

Do we live in a 24/7 celeb megahype society? Or, do we live in a society that actually pays attention to its citizens?

Thursday, June 20, 2013

Do You Feel Like an Orphan?

Bear with me, as this is extremely triggering to write about.

Now, I'm trying to keep some sense of balance that it will be okay. Earlier today, I got an email from my mom. Despite consistently telling them that I have PTSD from being raped, both of the parents are in massive denial. The last time I told her about this, three times she tried to manipulate the situation with her denial. Finally, I got sick of being insulted and walked away. Part of this is that it took me eight years to find the courage to tell them that I was raped.

What happened? My mom said, is that all? I thought you were gay.
My father literally gave me one minute to cry, and then said knock it off.

Since then, no apology or comprehension whatsoever that this is a serious crime (endangering the welfare of a child). It can mean jail time, a fine and possibly losing custody of your kid(s). For some bizarre reason, she's convinced that I have a disability. I told her I have PTSD, and it's not a disability. If I did, why did I get the last job that I had? Why would the boss knowingly hire a disabled person and then would have deal with all of that government pain-in-the-ass "anti-discrimination" garbage? I was smart enough to know that if I stayed in that horrible situation (ultra stressful job and PTSD symptoms), I'd have another nervous breakdown. Would a "disabled" person be able to do that?

The response was total denial that will continue forever. One insult on top of another. You can't even acknowledge the fact that you commited a serious crime involving your own kid. Do you have any human emotion or comprehension at all?

Now, this is the final straw. I have to deal with covering my bills, finding new work and being able to go to therapy for PTSD symptoms. As far as the parents go, it's out of my hands. It's no my job to psychoanalyze them or to let bullies treat me like shit.

It feels like you're an orphan. What else can I do though, other then just go on and have no more contact with them? I have to and am going to protect myself. I've been thru horrible stuff before, and I'll get thru this as well.

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

What Do You Do?

Trying to focus on some peace and quiet tonight. Our suggestion? Stay away from the news right now. Lots of sick, triggering stuff. Do I really want to deal with that and then dissociate for a week? No.

Talking about symptoms, lately dissociating and adrenalin surges have been the worse. You have periods where you feel like you're barely in control over your own body. You fight really hard to not just fall apart literally. I try to keep my system as clean as I can. Yet, you're still getting assaulted by pain.

Are my symptoms THAT severe and still undealt with?

You don't want to snap fall apart, attack anyone or just roll over and die. Also, you do wonder at times if you'll ever get any reassuring contact from anyone. I know there's no "official study" that's a one-answer-fits-all-cases solution. Having said that, being a normal human being you have concerns about your overall well being.

I didn't ask for any of this. Yet at times I feel like I'm literally starved almost for life from having any reassuring contact.

How does that affect someone? Is this all part of detoxifying from trauma?

Body pain still happens as well. What else also happens? It's literally too painful to look at lots of periods in my life. Once you think you've found a tiny moment of happiness, instantly a billion horrible things come back as well.

What do you do then? Right now, I'm not sure.

Tuesday, June 18, 2013

Just Asking a Question(Potentially Triggering Content. Read at Your Own Risk)

I'm not encouraging violence in any way. I'm asking a necessary question to try and cope as I go thru my healing from being raped.

Not that you'd ever actually do it. But do you ever have a split second fantasy about getting revenge from your rapist for what they did to you?

Maintaining Your Balance

It's Tuesday, and lots of bases to cover. I still have all the usual PTSD symptoms, and much of the time feel really run down.

What helps to try and cope? Screen everything, and then trust your intuition. I'm not always right. But much of the time I am. I also try to keep in mind that all of this is a survival mechanism. I'm not weird, insane or in danger of snapping and attacking everyone I see. I do feel though at times like I'm this close to blacking out as flashbacks happen and you try to not scream and then feel like you're disappearing.

Always have as many options as possible.

Monday, June 17, 2013

Post for the NSA

Time to break our normal "no progressive politics" rule for a moment. Why? Because there's so much talk about hacking, spying and other forms of surveillance. Which means that while this can add to your trauma, you can also take steps to protect yourself.

Don't leave any obvious clues for a hacker to connect.
Frequently change your passwords and user names. You know the obvious about not using Mom as one example. Instead, make it as challenging as possible.
Use secure email.
Try to find a reputable secure software for your mobile.
Use free IM messaging. If you have an I-phone, use texts as much as possible.

Now, will this slow the govt. down in their spying? Considering the supercomputers that they use, probably not. Can we attach huge files to every message and slow the system down? Probably not.
Then again, you're only responsible for your own safety. Not for the entire world.

Other than that, I'm really sticking to protecting myself. Hope you do the same.

Saturday, June 15, 2013

Cover Your Bases

Fighting to keep a sense of focus. Pay attention to how you feel and protect yourself. Screen everything.

Trust your intuition that you're doing the right things. Because right now, staying focused (or trying to) is at times scary and exhausting. Then again, it's all a survival mechanism.

Thursday, June 13, 2013

Trauma is Catching Up to You

Covering bases, but pacing myself. One minute there's some clarity. Then, can I trust anybody? You feel like you have to have an escape plan because everyone is a threat. You have to protect yourself. What's my weapon? How do I stop them before they try to rape and then kill me?

Imagine going thru a day and always having this fear.

The psychiatrist says that the severity of my symptoms is the same as a vet who's been in way too many deployments and never got the proper help. Now, trauma is catching up to you.

At least I know that everything I thought, have done and continue to do to protect myself is true.

Wednesday, June 12, 2013

Trying to Not Dissociate

What's one of the hardest symptoms to deal with right now? Dissociating. Trying not to give into the urge to dissociate which feels like a drug in a way and then just disappear. It makes your pleasure centers in your brain feel great and then you don't know where you are.

The severity of symptoms is also a big struggle. One minute it feels like there are small moments of clarity. Then, everyone and everywhere is a threat. As much as possible, don't dissociate. You don't want to attack anyone. Which means when you go out, always have a plan to protect yourself and others.

Intuition is also sharp as well. You feel at times like you're 4 steps ahead of the rest of the world. Am I really the only one who knows everything that's happening? Hang on a minute. It's not my job to save the world. My health comes first.

I have to focus really hard to not dissociate. It feels like you're trying to not slip across a line into not knowing where you are.

I did nothing wrong. I'm telling the truth about being a rape survivor. If others don't want to admit that I exist or say and do horrible stuff, I have no control over that. However, I will protect myself.

Tuesday, June 11, 2013


Went to the psychiatrist earlier today. The biggest result? Validation that I'm doing the right things to try and heal overall. Now it's a referral to someone else and we'll see what happens there.

After that, it's a mix of validation and sadness, all at the same time. On the other hand, you do everything you have to to protect yourself. Because nobody else will do it for you.

As severe and horrible as my symptoms are, it's all a perfectly normal survival mechanism. I don't know where you are in your healing. Despite that, maybe that will help as you go along as well.

Monday, June 10, 2013

What Does It Feel Like?

Ever have the feeling of being on the edge of something and not wanting to fall into it? That's how trying not to violently dissociate feels. You can't let up for a second, because if you do you'll fall apart.

There's also lots of body pain. Is it because of some other problem? Severe burnout and protecting yourself as much as possible. Every source that I trust all say the same thing. Your trauma is catching up with you.

What do you do when you literally have no energy to do anything? When that happens I just lie down for a while and turn everything off.

I also have to protect myself and be careful with who I talk to. It seems that some people that I thought I could trust just can't be trusted at all.

Then again, what else can you do but keep going?

Sunday, June 9, 2013

One Way to Cope

It's a  long weekend of fighting to not dissociate and black out. Much of the past two days has been just lying down and resting. You feel like you have literally no energy at all, but you can't let up for a second. If you do, you feel like you have no control.

In a few days I go to my psychiatrist appt. Like any normal person who's a trauma survivor, I want to be in the best place overall to get the treatment that I know that I need. I don't know what treatment is like in many other countries. However, here (for whatever reasons), many either don't want to hear about guy rape survivors or just don't take you seriously. It's the old "he's making this up to smear somebody" mentality.

I just set that aside and keep going. Also, have as many options as possible. If one place doesn't work, go elsewhere. If it means moving to get the proper treatment, how do I do that and pay for it?

Not all but many doctors and therapists here (in the "greatest medical system in the world") want nothing to do with health coverage or sliding scale fees. Many employers want to move people down to part-time from full-time because they hate Obama and "Obamacare". Generally, holistic treatments are twice as expensive as traditional ones.

Since I don't want bullies who use money as a weapon to control people to have power over myself and my treatment, how do I pay for this? I'm trying to come up with a low stress home business/job that will let me cover all my expenses.

I can't get any victim compensation because the statute of limitations in my case have run out. You have to prove to prosecutors that it's not a waste of their time to go after the possibly one remaining pedophile who might be alive.

I'm trying to space out more medical tests and other expenses while at the same time not feeling like I can't do anything else. At the moment, I'm living on practically no money.

I feel like all of my symptoms and backed up trauma is flooding out all at once. All of the junk food and other triggering stuff that I used to do is also catching up with me?

How long does it take to heal from all of this? I have no idea.

When dissociating is violent, I don't know where I am. Even if you ground yourself, many times that doesn't work.

What do you do then?

All of this is a normal survival response.

Thursday, June 6, 2013

Don't Let Up

More focusing today on not blacking out from dissociating. We still set boundaries and have to make some changes to protect ourselves. It still feels like non-stop fighting all day long, and do everything else that you have to do.

As for other things like despair and abandonment, those are still there. The appt. with the psychiatrist is next week. I'm just trying to have as many options as possible to get the treatment that I need. Also, to have control over it (and not somebody else).

Why are the hallucinations and other problems still there as you try to detoxify your system? I'm not sure.

Tuesday, June 4, 2013

Screen Everything

A lot of focus today. Try to keep a balance and to not black out from dissociating. Also, set lots of boundaries and screen everything. It feels at times like you're fighting on the edge of feeling like you have no control at all. You can't stop for a second, or else you'll fall apart.

Try to have 30 seconds with no symptoms. No flashbacks, hallucinations, body pain or lucid dreams. It's backed up trauma that continues to flood out. Having said that, like any normal person you'd like a day where you're not totally worn out.

Maybe right now I don't have that luxury?

Saturday, June 1, 2013

What Else Can You Do?

All day long, it's been fighting symptoms. Try to have 15 seconds with no dissociating or adrenalin surges. What do you have to do?

Diet plays a part in it. Also, not just rolling over and doing nothing. If you do that, it feels like the whole world is beating you down. I don't want to live like I'm in an empty shell all the time.

Time to stretch.