Second Opinions and More

Got another opinion today from a doctor regarding Risperdal. When I see the psychiatrist next time, I'll just say only one anti depressant is enough.  I'm actually doing better with holistic approaches to my health than traditional.

Part of it is no matter what, don't dissociate. My multiples at times still throw out thoughts of dissociate and protect us from pain. No, that just makes it worse. You have to protect yourself.

Do you feel paralyzed from abandonment? Moments of clarity happen. But when they do, you don't know what to do.

What else can you do.

Boundaries, No Sleep and More

The nightmares continue. When they happen you have to get out of your bedroom to try and feel safe. Then, many times you can't go back to sleep. If you're lucky, you get maybe 2 hours of sleep a night.

It feels at times like the list of triggering stuff gets longer and longer. Is there ANYTHING that isn't violently
triggering? On bad days, we just stay home and try to feel safe. Because nobody else will do it for us.

More of a break, and then try to go out.

I Don't Want to Dissociate

Another horrible day with fighting to not violently dissociate. You almost feel like you're going to black out. It's like binge drinking. You lose all sense of where you are, and many times you don't care.

We don't want to fall back into that. Non-stop pain all day long. Instead, a healthy balance.

Create Your Own Opportunities

Sounds like an Oprah infomercial? Not quite. Instead, it's something that many trauma survivors talk about. The necessity to protect yourself in everything from getting therapy that you need to actually finding people (therapists and others) that will take you seriously.

In my case, I've been laughed at, screamed at and blown off by everyone from former potential therapists, doctors and law enforcement people to FBI trauma specialists. If you deal with this for a long time like I have, the question then comes to mind. Do I have to cure myself as well? The rest of the world just can't be bothered to see ulgy reality, so just go away and YOU deal with it instead?

In my overall mix, I'm trying really hard to not give in and dissociate. That's one of the hardest things to recognize. The severity of symptoms and how you thought that dissociating will actually help you to escape pain. Instead, it does the opposite. Do you really want to literally disappear for a week and not know where you are? I don't.

Other symptoms are still there as well:

A stuck fight-or-flight mechanism
Blocked anger
Fighting hard to not literally snap in two and black out
Jump cuts of you saying I've had enough and seeing various ways to kill yourself.
I would never do that. But those images are there.
Abandonment. I feel like I've been abandoned my whole life. The "immediate family" are
people that you shared a house with for a while, and that's it.

Now, balance finding new jobs with therapy and getting off benefits. Not everyone, but many people are bullies who use money as a weapon to control others. What you think, feel and are concerned about means nothing to me. I can do and say any damn thing I please.

How do you have a rational conversation with someone like that?

You don't want to relapse and have lots of sugar again. If that happens, I feel like I have no control over my body. Everything is worse, and you don't know what to do. The usual "grounding techniques" many times don't work.

What do you do then?

As horrible as the pain is at times, don't dissociate. Do something else. As you try to stay clean, your symptoms get worse. This means that they're still that severe.

Why do these jump cuts of suicide and raping innocent little kids happen? Some mental health sources say that it's because your symptoms have been so severe and untreated for so long. Based on that, weird thoughts like this are bound to come out. You'll never act on any of them. But they're still there.

Pyschologically, that may seem like a reasonable answer. However, on a human level that still doesn't take away the concern and fear that you have. I'm not a sick monster. Why then would I have thoughts about raping little kids? So far, nobody's given me a clear answer to this. There's trying to be responsible for your healing. There's also not feeling at times like, do I have to cure myself as well?

Along with abandonment comes fear and sadness about not wanting to feel cheated out of liteally having any happiness at all in your life. Almost no one else can be bothered to pay attention to you and if nothing else on a human decency level at least acknowledge that you exist. Are others really afraid of even looking at you because if they do they'll get raped as well?

I've only been hugged by two people since I was raped who actually meant it when they said I'm sorry you were raped. How does that affect people long term? If you're in that position, how are you supposed to react? How could you not be wondering can I literally trust anyone else?

Sick twisted lucid dreams keep happening all the time. Grounding many times doesn't work. What now?

How's Your Chemical Balance?

Staying home and getting ready to try for another job interview at a well known firm tomorrow. I've tried twice, but they never called back. Try one more time, and maybe I'll get an actual interview.

As for protecting yourself, I'm sticking to boundaries where needed as much as possible. Horrible flashbacks still happen. Scary, violent dissociating happens as well. You feel like 99% of the real world doesn't care. I'm also struggling with a lifetime of feeling abandoned.

What's another scary thing? I was in a psych ward once because I thought I was suicidal, but I wasn't. I got NO SUPPORT from the "immediate family". I just recently realized, if the worst happened and I ended up back in one and something happened to me, I have no gurantee that any of these people would care.

How do you deal with THAT?

Be Selective about the Stimulus

You have to screen everything. Just when you think it's okay, some weird thing comes out of nowhere, and you could end up dissociating for hours. I feel at times like I'm getting assaulted by horrible stuff from all directions. I know that not everybody is evil and out to kill me. Yet, you have to turn things off at times.

I can't handle a lot of my former diet. I still have nightmares, body pain and fight to not dissociate all day long. I feel like I'm detoxifying from a longtime of horrible abuse (from others, and from my old destructive habits to try and escape pain which only made it worse).

This means you feel like you have to constantly be on guard. You constantly have to watch your stress level. Can I take others at face value? Or, is everyone lying to me?

Unless I have to look, I stay away from news as much as possible. Flashbacks and body pain come out of nowhere. You scream all day long and fight to not fall apart. You can't just sit back and do nothing. Is this because of a lifetime of abuse that still needs to be dealt with?

Not by choice, but there's a break in my therapy appointments at the moment. Which means you do your best to cope in the meantime. You fight to not fall apart, and nobody's going to help you. Or, at least it feels like that at times.

Even when I'm sitting and there's no apparent threat anywhere, I still have problems at times with dissociating. It's not just normal daydreaming. It's more than that. A survival response to ongoing abuse?

Am I eating or drinking too much of the wrong things? Will this mess up my stress level? It feels like I have diabetes (in the sense of constantly being aware).

Have I ever thought about putting ads on this blog or selling out to some corporation? I have, but I won't. Thanks for your ongoing support. I don't know who you are. And, you don't know who I am. The NSA knows who all of us are. But, that's a different post. Selling out here would be like the Grateful Dead selling their entire catalog to Microsoft. It won't happen.

In return for that continuing high standard, I only ask one thing. Word-of-mouth advertising. Please give our URL to anyone it might help. UNLESS it threatens someone's healing in some way. The MSM (and progressive) won't go near us. Which means quality and posts that count will beat them at their own game.

Back to my herbal tea.

Trauma is Catching Up to You

Covering bases, but pacing myself. One minute there's some clarity. Then, can I trust anybody? You feel like you have to have an escape plan because everyone is a threat. You have to protect yourself. What's my weapon? How do I stop them before they try to rape and then kill me?

Imagine going thru a day and always having this fear.

The psychiatrist says that the severity of my symptoms is the same as a vet who's been in way too many deployments and never got the proper help. Now, trauma is catching up to you.

At least I know that everything I thought, have done and continue to do to protect myself is true.

How's Your Focus Today?

Taking things in small segments. I still have to fight to not dissociate when I wake up in the morning. Then, try to not black out during the day as you fight all the other symptoms and deal with everything else.

Despite everything that's happened and continues to happen, we did nothing wrong. We're not "weird" in any way. All of this is a normal response to long-term untreated symptoms. Despite that, at times it's still a challenge to go out someplace and not feel threatened in some way.

While there's nothing I can do about it, there's still a feeling of abandonment at times. Can I literally trust anybody? Or, is everybody lying to me?

Enjoy your weekend.

It is Tuesday

How's your Tuesday? Here, it's lots of job leads to check and Xmas stuff to do.

Also, trying to cope without  some favorite foods and drinks as well. Either it's sugar, caffeine or just chemicals that will make PTSD symptoms worse. Flashbacks to horrible triggering holiday stuff happens, and it's hard to focus. It feels like an endless cycle. You fight to keep some sense of balance because you have to. If you don't, your whole world caves in on you.

Do you feel like someone's listening to you?

Holiday Thoughts

Staying in tonight and covering lots of job leads. Later, time to put up the Xmas lights and a late night snack.

I'm really trying to keep my balance as I go along. A lot of former favorite foods and drinks are triggering right now. What do I do instead? Can you get thru the holidays with no sweets?

Terrifying flashbacks still happen. You try and ground yourself, and you still at times don't know where you are. What do you do then?

We're really trying to trust our intuition. Take things in small 10 second splits. If you have a bad feeling about something, trust that and turn it off.

There's a lot of pain right now.

Friday Stuff

It is Friday. We're still having to fight to focus and not dissociate when we wake up in the morning. If we don't do that, it feels like you're sleepwalking all day long. At least we're not taking the wrong meds like we used to.

Everything else is still there as well. Lots of bases to cover, along with struggling to deal with the holidays, money being tight and more. At times we just turn everything off and cry. What else can you do?

A Triggering Thursday

Lots to stuff to do today. Still no word about the new counselor. In the meantime, we're going in small segments to try and deal with symptoms. Dissociating is still the worst one. Next would be really sick lucid dreams (far too triggering here to mention this early in the morning).

It's a lot all at once. Anger, frustration, feeling abandoned and exhausted all the time. Yet, what else can you do?

Cloudy and Triggering

How's your weekend looking? Here, cloudy, cool and lots of triggering things happening. Screen everything, and if you have a bad feeling about something you're right.

Lately we've been dealing with how we used junk food, booze and other stuff to try and cope with the pain of being raped. The good news is that we don't do that anymore. Ok, as little junk food as possible. As for the other stuff, we really don't do that. This means at times it feels like emptiness is there all the time. On the other hand, facing trauma head on is a good thing.

There's also anger and trying not to get caught in dissociating with no way out. It feels like a bad dream that you can't escape. Does this still happen to you?

Back to covering bases.

How it's Done. Okay, One Way It's Done.

A quiet night online. Maybe then a nice CD. No power rotation. There's a time and a place for everything.

Went to see about going back to a counselor. They'll let me know in a few weeks. We're trying to keep our balance as best we can. Despite that, we still feel bombarded at times. Are we the only ones that see everything that's happening in the world? I've heard that's a common survivor trait.

Part of it is wanting to be heard. That being said, how do you that in today's 24/7 megahype celebrity newscycle world?

Our suggestion? Fight the urge to sink to that level. Make everything count. There's more than enough sameness out there. That's not a slam against other blogs. That's just stating a fact.

Symptoms are still there. Today, I could actually focus on the counselor for long periods and not turn away. That may not sound like a big deal. In fact, it is and there are two sides to it. It's good, but its also sad that you have to fight for so long to reach that point.

Flashbacks still happen. We still scream and fight to not black out from horrible dissociating. At times we used to feel ashamed. It's better to scream silently so you won't piss anybody off because they won't listen anyway.

It feels like there's death, destruction and celeb hype everywhere you look. At editorial meetings, do editors ask each other what is actual news?

This brings up an idea. Everyone knows that the more you mention something, the higher your search engine positioning is. Meintion us everywhere you can, and maybe these guys will pay attention.

Search engine optimization, anyone?

Your Title Here

Staying at home for a while before a latenight snack. How's your part of the world looking? A quick thanks for the support. We're now read in 45 states and 42 countries. All with no ad budget. Can those megamedia corporations say that? I don't think so.

We're still sticking to our holistic diet. Almost 2 weeks now with no refined sugar or caffeine. We're also trying to really keep our ph balance in line. I really believe there's a connection between all of these. We still feel like we're detoxing from eating and drinking tons of junk.

Why? One reason is because many people use it as an escape to avoid horrible pain. In our case, it was a way to avoid having to deal with being raped. Now, there's no shield to hide behind.

Along with moments of clarity come moments of despair. Everything feels black. What do we do now? Is everything and everyone a threat?

Despite all that, we still take things in tiny 10 second splits. How do we go from the desk to the kitchen? Is it safe to turn on the TV?

Keep the mantra in mind that it's not your fault. Also, unless it hurts you or someone else in some way, please spread this blog everywhere you can. Our very cool map on the front page shows our global reach. The latest count says that there are 201 countries in the world. Let's see if we can cover the remaining 159. How cool would that be?

Global Connections

Working at home online and trying to come up with new ways to network. Mix it up as much as possible. The key though is getting in past the receptionist/gatekeeper/whatever to see the boss.

We're really trying to break things into tiny segments. How do we get from here to here? Also, we're making some necessary changes in other areas as well. Do we really need _____ as our cable provider? Why am I watching this? Save time and money.

Speaking of connecting, a holiday reminder. We've been writing this blog for a while now, and we hope you like the content. It's a mix of holistic stuff to help a wide range of global trauma survivors. No ads, no Pay Pal button, and no online store.

All free.

We only ask one thing in return. Please spread this to everywhere you can UNLESS it hurts you or someone else. No spam or spam links. Instead, mention us in every avenue you can. It's how you say it, so the "administrators" won't nail you for spamming. We have no ad budget here. We have no assistants. Which means we do everything.

If you don't want to comment, that's okay. Instead, word of mouth advertising does work.

Thanks.

Look at this. Then Go Do Something Good.

By now, the whole world knows about Office Larry De Primo of the NYPD. He bought a homeless person some socks and boots on a freezing night. What's the homeless guy's story? I don't know. However, having been homeless twice myself, I know what it feels like to literally feel like you have nothing and no one will admit that you exist.

Look at this picture. Then go do something good.

Brownies, Tea and a Sunny Day

It's the weekend. Cook, clean, back stuff up on the hard drive. Have a snack. Then, onto other stuff.

There's also lots of anger and pain as well. Body pain and trying to not black out as you scream to not lose sensation in your legs and other areas. Do we have MS? No. However, you have to do lots of massage throughout the day to maintain a smooth flow of energy. On the other hand, we're still sticking to our no caffeine/as little sugar as possible diet. Maybe these are symptoms of withdrawl?

Screen everything and protect yourself. Trust your intution. If it's screaming something's bad, pay attention. Odds are you're right.

Do You Feel Stuck?

Sunny and cool in this part of the world. A little more to do at home. Then, time to go out for a nice snack.

We stayed in last night and caught up on some new job leads. Also, there was lots of body pain. Is it all because of our diet? Or, is it something else? We're not sure.

We're still struggling with anger and not wanting to feel cheated. Everything still has to be screened to protect yourself from triggering stuff. Despair still happens, and when it does we feel stuck.

Have a good day.