Tuesday, August 13, 2013

Create Your Own Opportunities

Sounds like an Oprah infomercial? Not quite. Instead, it's something that many trauma survivors talk about. The necessity to protect yourself in everything from getting therapy that you need to actually finding people (therapists and others) that will take you seriously.

In my case, I've been laughed at, screamed at and blown off by everyone from former potential therapists, doctors and law enforcement people to FBI trauma specialists. If you deal with this for a long time like I have, the question then comes to mind. Do I have to cure myself as well? The rest of the world just can't be bothered to see ulgy reality, so just go away and YOU deal with it instead?

In my overall mix, I'm trying really hard to not give in and dissociate. That's one of the hardest things to recognize. The severity of symptoms and how you thought that dissociating will actually help you to escape pain. Instead, it does the opposite. Do you really want to literally disappear for a week and not know where you are? I don't.

Other symptoms are still there as well:

A stuck fight-or-flight mechanism
Blocked anger
Fighting hard to not literally snap in two and black out
Jump cuts of you saying I've had enough and seeing various ways to kill yourself.
I would never do that. But those images are there.
Abandonment. I feel like I've been abandoned my whole life. The "immediate family" are
people that you shared a house with for a while, and that's it.

Now, balance finding new jobs with therapy and getting off benefits. Not everyone, but many people are bullies who use money as a weapon to control others. What you think, feel and are concerned about means nothing to me. I can do and say any damn thing I please.

How do you have a rational conversation with someone like that?

You don't want to relapse and have lots of sugar again. If that happens, I feel like I have no control over my body. Everything is worse, and you don't know what to do. The usual "grounding techniques" many times don't work.

What do you do then?

As horrible as the pain is at times, don't dissociate. Do something else. As you try to stay clean, your symptoms get worse. This means that they're still that severe.

Why do these jump cuts of suicide and raping innocent little kids happen? Some mental health sources say that it's because your symptoms have been so severe and untreated for so long. Based on that, weird thoughts like this are bound to come out. You'll never act on any of them. But they're still there.

Pyschologically, that may seem like a reasonable answer. However, on a human level that still doesn't take away the concern and fear that you have. I'm not a sick monster. Why then would I have thoughts about raping little kids? So far, nobody's given me a clear answer to this. There's trying to be responsible for your healing. There's also not feeling at times like, do I have to cure myself as well?

Along with abandonment comes fear and sadness about not wanting to feel cheated out of liteally having any happiness at all in your life. Almost no one else can be bothered to pay attention to you and if nothing else on a human decency level at least acknowledge that you exist. Are others really afraid of even looking at you because if they do they'll get raped as well?

I've only been hugged by two people since I was raped who actually meant it when they said I'm sorry you were raped. How does that affect people long term? If you're in that position, how are you supposed to react? How could you not be wondering can I literally trust anyone else?

Sick twisted lucid dreams keep happening all the time. Grounding many times doesn't work. What now?

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