Lots of Emptiness

Drinking some tea as I write. Then, it's onto meditation for tonight, and a job fair tomorrow.

What's one of the hardest things right now? A sense of empiness. You wake up and try not to dissociate. Then, everything feels black. You try to reassure yourself that it'll be okay. But the emptiness is still there.

At times, I ask myself, am I the only one that sees all the hypocracy, delusional behavior and massive denial? Am I the only one that's not mentally ill when others who may say they're concerned about me can't be trusted? You don't want to feel like you can't trust anybody. You don't want to feel like a burned out, horrible monster because of being raped.

Then again, that feeling of everyone's lying is still there.

Graphic flashbacks of being raped happen. Body pain happens as well. As the sick lucid dreams happen you try to stay grounded and say, I'm not psychotic. I'm not abnormal. I'm not going to attack anyone.

You have to fight back all the time. You can't just sit and do nothing.

The fear of being raped and then feeling like garbage is still there. All of the sources that I trust say the same thing. None of this is abnormal. Your symptoms have been severe and untreated for so long that they have to come out.

Do you still fight off lucid dreams? How do you scream and not black out?