Thanks for the ongoing support while I've been busy this week. Time now to catch up on a lot of stuff.
Symptoms are still there. You try to focus on how you feel in the morning and have some sense of being awake and not just almost sleepwalking thru the day. I'm still dissociating about a hundred times a day. Being aware of tangible things around you can help somewhat. Then again, on those bad days when it doesn't, what then?
My therapist says that if your'e severely traumatized like I am (with no treatment for a long time as well), then it's scary but normal for a part of you to identify with your perpetrator(s). Having heard that, I'm still struggling with why would a normal person want anything to do with three serial pedophiles in any way? Raping innocent little kids. Having sex with animals. I'm not gay, bi-sexual or into pain, humiliation, bestiality or anything else.
Why then would you have sick thoughts like that?
On really bad days, it's a non-stop fight. Don't attack this person. Don't rape this little kid. Don't have sex with the dog walking by. You fight to keep some sense of focus, because you have to.
I'm not abnormal in any way. Yet this stuff happens. Why?
At times I just turn things off and sit. I try to pay attention to how I feel. You can't control other horrible people or all of the violent sick and other horrible stuff happening in the world. I can't handle my pain and everyone else's all at the same time.
Medication doesn't work because that's just a band aid. It doesn't help the core trauma. Why walk around in a daze and still fighting to not dissociate?
I still have nightmares, lucid dreams and flashback to when I was living overseas. It's like bits and pieces of sound and scenes that hit you. You have to fight really hard to keep some sense of being grounded. The severity of my symptoms is proportional to the underlying untreated trauma. Also, denial isn't an issue. It used to be. Not any more.
Other stuff causes more pain. At times it's like one horrible scene after another. You know something's wrong, and do your best to protect yourself. Yet, it doesn't stop. The pain of being raped is there. Nobody listens or helps. You fix it. Weakness isn't tolerated and other idiotic garbage is rampant.
Am I the only one who's not severly delusional and sees everything that's happening?
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Posts
1 comment:
I find it helps to treat those weird thoughts as just my brain defaulting for a moment, like a glitch. My version of them (I think) is believing that I look like my abusers. I genuinely expect to see one of their faces when I look in the mirror and am surprised by what I look like every day. I wish I could get rid of that. I guess it's a result of being abused at such an early age; you're still learning who you are versus who other people are, where the line between you and them is... No wonder this freaky stuff happens if that gets disrupted.
One day at a time.
Post a Comment