Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Getting Slammed Hard By Symptoms

NOTE: This blog contains explicit words, content and "triggers" (sights, sounds, colors, key phrases and more) that could be upsetting and/or dangerous to trauma survivors. If this affects you, stop reading now. If not, continue and please pass this blog onto anyone who could benefit from it.

Symptoms are hitting hard. I do all the holistic things I can, use herbs and more. But still I get hit with this. Everything is in extremes. For others, a thought hits and you make a decision. But sometimes it takes me an hour to get past this because of a stuck fight-or-flight mechanism.

I feel sad, I cry and sometimes I wonder, will I always have this? But I refuse to just roll over and die.

Friday, February 15, 2008

Does This Ever End?

NOTE: This blog contains explicit words, content and "triggers" (sights, sounds, samples, colors and more) that can be disturbing/possibly dangerous to trauma survivors. If this bothers you, leave now. Otherwise, keep going. And please pass this blog onto anyone that it might help.

It's Friday. And symptoms are hitting hard. I know I need to keep going. But it feels like it's non-stop (despite all the grounding that I do). I try to focus in a conversation and I feel like I'm going to snap. I don't want to hide out in the bathroom all the time. On the other hand, everything feels like a trigger. My therapist says this is the flip side of the trauma. Now it's coming out.

When my multiples and little kid have our meetings, the terror is still there. We're this close to dying and nobody cares. If anybody comes near us, do we kill them? What do we do?

Thursday, February 14, 2008

Close to a Meltdown and Then What?

NOTE: This blog contains explicit content, language and "triggers" (sights, sounds, phrases, colors and more) than can be upsetting and/or potentially dangerous to trauma survivors. If this bothers you, stop reading now. Otherwise, continue and please pass this blog onto anyone who might benefit from it.

Another rough day with symptoms. Woke up at 4 a.m. today instead of 2 a.m. the night before. Is this progress? I don't know. Again, it takes a long time to focus and feel "awake." Then more symptoms hit. Dissociating, adrenlain surges and a stuck fight-or-flight response. Went out to do lots of stuff and it got even worse. I try all the usual grounding tricks (touch, switching to something non-traumatic, and more). But at times that doesn't work. So what do I do then when it feels like the WHOLE world is looking at me?

Then I was cooking dinner and almost had a meltdown. It felt like EVERYTHING was hitting all at once. I glanced out of the corner of my eye and saw some strange looks from the neighbors. Oh great. Now, am I gonna be labeled as the "freaky" neighbor or something? On top of everything else, now I have to deal with this?

I fought for almost an hour to try and focus and say, turn it over and go on. They don't need to know that I have PTSD from being raped. And if they get stuck in mistaking people with stupid labels, that's their problem. Still, when you feel like an orphan and the WHOLE world says f**k off and you fix it, it's hard to handle all of that at times. Some people will talk very superficially to you. But you better not say the ulgy word "rape." Because you're being stupid enough to get raped more than once is not my problem. I will not tolerate weakness. And I especially won't tolerate pathetic stupid ass s**t like this that's going to f**k up my day. So just piss off and you fix it. It doesn't matter that it's your kid or your friend. F**k that. Is it every f*****g person in the world for themselves? I'd like to think that that's not the case.

But right now EVERYTHING is a trigger. Sights, sounds, pictures, samples, everything is dangerous. If I'm not careful, dissociating and more happens for hours and you really have to fight hard to stop it. I know I need to keep going in therapy. But is it like this for all severe trauma survivors? I've been banned from one survivors site and lost at least two friends who couldn't take my being honest about trying to heal. So the answer is to take the Japanese approach to ending relationships. Just cut it off. That way there's no conflict.

You try and get help. But it literally feels like everywhere you turn people can't be bothered to listen to you. I like Pacino in "Serpico." Where am I gonna go?

Friday, February 8, 2008

Screaming to be Heard

This blog contains explicit content, language and "triggers" (sights, sounds, key phrases) that can be upsetting and/or dangerous to trauma survivors. If these bother you, stop reading and go elsewhere. Otherwise, keep reading. And please pass this blog onto others that it might help.

These days, I'm fighting really hard to not dissociate. But the nightmares and more keep coming. I told my therapist yesterday that I will never just lay back and disappear in dissociating, flashbacks, etc. It's really debilitating right now. After a day of this you feel like you can't handle anything else.

It's really frustrating when horrible things happen all over the world (pick a place). People draw attention to it and try to change it, which is fine. But the bad part is that that's ok to talk about. But when trauma survivors try to get help, they're told to just f**k off and go away. And that doesn't seem right.

Thursday, February 7, 2008

Fighting Back Hard Against Symptoms

NOTE: This blog contains explicit language, content and "triggers"(sights, sounds, colors, key phrases, and more) that can be disturbing and/or dangerous to trauma survivors. If these bother you, stop reading now. Otherwise, keep going and please pass this blog onto anyone that might benefit from it.

It's another bizarre day on TV and with symptoms. Romney is "suspending" his campaign. The MSM is estatic that it's almost McCain and Hillary. They'll put up with Obama for a while. But that's what they really want.

Symptoms still hit hard. And everything is extreme. Dissociaiting, adrenalin surges and more. Sometimes it's the opposite. My chi is stuck and I don't know what to do. I see me sitting down and I know I have a body. But I have no sensation. I have to physically concentrate and push to get it out so I don't feel like I'm disappearing. If dissociaiting happens, I have to fight really hard to not disappear. I go out someplace and want to scream. But if I do will I get arrested? Will everybody freak out and run away? I stand in line and want to strangle the checkout person. But how do I not do that and get out. I get in my car and smash the dash screaming to try and cope. I drive and scream but try to hide my symptoms so people aren't totally freaked out.

Sometimes my therapist says that this is "appropriate behavior." I understand what he means and in a sense it is. But he's not the one living with this 24/7 (nothing personal). I go someplace and I start to cry. Triggers are everywhere. Sometimes it's a little kid with their mom. They look happy. How come I can't have that? It feels like the whole world doesn't have time to take ten seconds and say, I'm sorry you were raped. A handul of people have. But it still feels like the rest of the world says f**k off and deal with it. Nobody wants to listen to this s**t. So just go away. They can't be inconvenienced by dealing with reality? At times I think, what if this happened to one of them and they came to me? Am I supposed to just drop everything and do whatever they say to help them? I don't think so. You never helped me. As far as I can see I don't f*****g exist in your eyes.

I do all the holistic stuff I can, and I still get hit with symptoms. I have nowhere else to go right now. So I'll continue with my therapist and keep going overall. But at times the despair and feeling you're on the edge of dying is there. I'm dropping an old support group because I think I freaked them out. And they just decided they didn't want to deal with me anymore. Fine, their loss.

But at times it feels like that everywhere I go. Nobody can be bothered to listen. Nobody has the time, interest, and can't be bothered to say, that's too bad. So it feels like the rest of the world goes on and has fun. In the meantime if you have a bad day with symptoms it's just shut up and be weird in the corner. Don't embarass me or scare my kids with your s**t. Just f**k off and fix it.

And that's never going to change.

Tuesday, February 5, 2008

Super Tuesday Thoughts

NOTE: This blog contains graphic language, content and "triggers" (sights, sounds, phrases, and more) that can be harmful/dangerous to PTSD survivors. If this bothers you, stop reading now. Otherwise, keep going and please pass this blog onto anyone you think it might help.

Here it is, Super Tuesday. And up to the very last minute, the two major parties are manipulating to the max to keep their money and power. The "economic stimulus" package is an election year bribe. The senators running for President can't be bothered to come back and vote on important bills.

But also, part of the manipulation is using people suffereing from various problems as political pawns. The housing crisis. People are getting evicted from their homes. And the response from many is, if you were stupid enough to sign this mortgage then you deserve everything you get. It doesn't matter that many banks are writing off huge losses. Meanwhile various CEO's in these and other companies are getting enormous severence packages because they obviously deserve it. For the stress that they put up with it's only fair that they get enormous compensation. As for the people who get evicted or lose their jobs/pension/whatever, screw you. Nobody cares.

And then, what about trauma victims/survivors who struggle with PTSD every day? Not to dis vets in any way. But since this is an election year, every time you hear the term PTSD, it's always about vets. Nobody seems to realize (or care?) that trauma affects a wide spectrum of people. Natural disasters, an abusive home, a patient recovering from a traumatic illness, sex abuse, the list goes on all day long.

But since this is an election year, there are some things that we just don't talk about. After all, My God, what would the voters think? We only want hype because hype equals ratings. Nothing controversial, nothing "liberal", nothing unpatriotic in content. Dissent is not allowed.

So when vets and others try to get help and are turned away or told their health converage doesn't handle this, what are they supposed to do? How do you solve a problem like PTSD in 20 office visits? Many of the power elite say, we can't have universal health care. Because that's socialist. Oh really? Then how do you explain Bernie Sanders, the socialist Senator from Vermont? People seem to like him. But even though we all know what he is, we dare not say that evil word "socialist." Hillary says she's for "universal health care." But that means no for-profit insurance companies involved in this. And that's where she's getting a lot of her funding from.

The manipulation continues from all sides. The neocon MSM is spinning this to the max to get that conflict between "The Black Candidate" and Hillary. Neither Obama nor Hillary is willing to say no for-profit insurance companies. That's universal health care. Because if they do then they lose the election. We want a fair and open debate. Then why didn't you stand with Kucinich and Gravel for their rights to be heard? Because that will cost me the election. Gravel is a crazy old man. Kucinich is a short, dorky-looking guy with a babe wife who's stupid enought to tell the truth about impeachment and universal health care. And I'm gonna throw away the election for them? F**k that. But of course, they'll never say that publically.

What are the underlying motives here? Money and power. As for the rest of you who were stupid enough to join the military or get raped, just f**k off and go away. Because nobody wants to hear your s**t during an election year. Brittany, yes. But real problems and solutions. That's boring. Nobody cares.

Monday, February 4, 2008

Where's the Line Between Reality and Dissociating?

NOTE: This blog contains graphic content, language and "triggers" (sights, sounds, colors, phrases and more) that can be disturbing/dangerous to PTSD survivors. If these bother you, stop reading now. If not, keep going. And please pass this blog onto anyone that it might help.

2ND NOTE: This blog contains extremely graphic content, language and triggers. If these bother you, stop now. Otherwise, keep going.

My therapist and I talk a lot about where's the line between reality and dissociating? Dissociating is a coping mechanism that all trauma survivors use to stay alive during and after what happened to them. But, everyone recovers at different rates. Some people using EMDR, cognitive (talk therapy) and more can recover in 6 months to a year. Severe cases can take up to many years before there's some relief.

In my case, we're talking about 35 years of abuse (rape, verbal, emotional and physical). And now, at times it's getting harder and harder to stay in reality. Last night I had physical flashbacks that for a while wouldn't stop. The psycho pedophile m****rf****r that raped me was behind me and had me in headlock. Over and over I broke his hold, whipped around and stabbed him, shot him and f*****g beat him to death. I grabbed an opener and wasn't sure where I was. All I knew is it's either me or him. And I am NOT going to just f*****g roll over and die. I tried to ground myself, but nothing worked. Is he dead? Is he still here? What do I do now? And still the flashbacks kept coming. Now I have to check every inch of my apt. Is he in here? Is there somebody else? Do I call 911? What if they don't believe me? Can't call other numbers because they don't know anything. My therapist? Can't call him. So what do I do? I prowl around with the opener in my hand looking all over. I am not going to f*****g be used by that sick m****rf****r ever again. I'll f*****g kill his sick psycotic ass before I let that happen.

I look everywhere and there's nothing. Am I safe now? I'm in my apt., I know that. But am I safe? Is something going to happen to me? Am I going to die? No. He f*****g dies first, c**ks****r. I'll cut you into f*****g pieces, bitch. Nobody listens and nobody cares. I can't and won't go back to taking meds because that's a waste of time. It's a band-aid that doesn't get to the core of the problem. Does this happen to all survivors? My therapist says nobody's ever disappeared and never come back. I've disappeared more than once in the past. I came back and had no idea where I was.

Now, what do I do if this hapens again? Sometimes it does and I kill him with anything I can. My therapist says it's the trauma coming out. But what do you do when you're in a public place and flashbacks happen? What do I do then? The whole freaking world never cared about me up till now. I seriously doubt they'd try to now. So what do I do in that situation? I don't know.

Many times I still feel on edge. Sometimes the emptiness hits hard and you just curl up and don't know what to do. If someone is too close to me, are they going to jump me? What do I do? What do I grab to kill them? I am not going to be f****d over ever again.

I try to find help for PTSD in other places. But 99.9% of it is all "scientific studies". There's literally no place in the States that's specifically for PTSD help 24/7. Right now, I have to call abroad to get the proper help. In the place with "the greatest health care in America."

The flashbacks still come. No, this sick asshole didn't shove his dick up my ass. No, he is NOT butt f*****g me all over again. So why do the flashbacks keep coming. At night, sometimes I can't tell the difference between reality and dissociating. Is the ex gf real or not? There's nobody there. It's a empty pillow. Nothing there. No hot body, nothing. This is your hand touching the sheets and an empty pillow. Nobody is next to you, holding you or on top of you. It's just you. So why is it so hard at times to see that? My fight-or-flight reflex is still stuck much of the time. What takes other people a split second to do takes me hours. Imagine doing this EVERY DAY 24/7. You wonder, will I ever get past this?

I think about pulling out the steak knife at times. But what would that accomplish? Nothing. I will NEVER give those sick assholes the satisfaction.

Sunday, February 3, 2008

Fighting Hard Not to Fall Apart

NOTE: This blog contains graphic language, situations and "triggers" (sights, sounds, phrases, etc.) that can be upsetting and/or dangerous to PTSD survivors. If these bother you, stop reading now. Otherwise, keep going and please pass this blog onto anybody you think it might help.

I'm really getting hammered hard with symptoms today. Dissociating and physical flashbacks are especially bad. You keep telling yourself it's not real. But for some reason it keeps coming back. I talk to my multiples and little kid all the time. I tell them that yes we need to face being raped. But also, I have to do things every day. It's a problem because for so long nobody listened to them. So they still are suspicious.

Every day is so long now. Non-stop fighting despite all the holistic things I do to cope. But, it's either this or go back to pointless meds which I can't afford. What else can I do?

Saturday, February 2, 2008

When Can You Get a Break from All This?

NOTE: This blog contains graphic language, content and "triggers" (sights, sounds, colors, descriptions, etc.) that could be disturbing and/or dangerous to PTSD survivors. If these bother you, go elsewhere. Otherwise, keep going and please pass this blog onto anyone who could benefit from it.

Just when you think you'd get a break from symptoms, you're wrong. More hyper and hypo arousal today. It took a few hours to focus and actually feel "awake." Got hammered by horrible dissociating and hallucinations. I know that's not there. So why can't I shake this and move on? Why do I literally have to focus and feel like I'm going to collapse before I can get past this? Other people can do this in a second. It takes me three hours.

What comes after that? More dissociating and physical flashbacks. No, I don't want to get f****d in the ass again by that sick m****rf****r that did this. He's not there. So why do I have to literally fight to keep his dick out of my ass? He's NOT f*****g there! So why do I have those flashbacks? I have better things to do with my time than this s**t. When will I get a break? I scream, fight back and feel like I'm going to fall apart. I WON'T just lay back and fall apart. I WILL NOT give into those nightmares of being a sick f*****g toy for this asshole. If I do that it's all over. I will ever give into that s**t.

Now imagine you do this 24/7. Just when you think you might actually have one good day with no symptoms at all, it all comes crashing down on you. My therapist says that it's either deal with this in the best way you can. Or, go the "traditional" route of pure cognitive (talk) therapy and meds that every other therapist in the freaking world does. They didn't give a f**k when I went cold turkey. Nobody listened to me so I said, screw you. I'll do it myself. The holistic doctors in this area are s**t. Incredibly expensive, can't be bothered with health insurance (naturally). So where else do you go? I literally have to do it all myself. Or possibly go out of state earlier than I thought. Here in the land of "the greatest health care system in the world."

Am I going to snap and kill somebody? Right now I don't know.

Friday, February 1, 2008

Everything Is On Edge

NOTE: This blog contains graphic content, language and "triggers" which may be upsetting or dangerous to PTSD survivors (sights, sounds, key words, phrases, etc.). If these bother you, stop reading now. If not, continue and please pass this blog onto anyone else that you think might benefit from it.

Had another horrible nightmare last night. Jumped up out of bed around 2 a.m. and couldn't go back to sleep. I tried eating something, but that didn't help. Later, I went back to sleep for a while and had another nightmare. Then today everything is on edge. I feel like I'm going to snap and kill the first person who gets too close. Dissociating still hits hard and it's confusing because I think, what's the message? What are my multiples and little kid trying to tell me? I went to therapy yesterday and almost destroyed his office. Everybody's a f*****g hypocrite. I'll kill every one of you. I told my therapist I feel like an orphan and POW, and he agrees.

I go somewhere and it feels like downtown Baghdad. Why is he looking at me? What's she really saying? She's smiling, but what does she really want? It feels like there's more hypocracy everywhere. The battle lines between the haves and the have nots are drawn. And now with the election coming up every racist f****d up thing imaginable will be done to win. The standard reply to objections to this? This is how it's done. If you don't like it, go somewhere else.

Sometimes the dissociating and flashbacks hit and I feel like I'm going to snap. But the rest of the world can't be bothered. Everything is in extremes. If dissociating or other symptoms hit you have to fight back really hard. Otherwise you literally feel like you're going to fall apart. Much of the time I feel like I'm on the edge of dying. Nobody's out to kill me today (as far as I know). But still, many times that feeling is really hard to shake. The worst hopelessness you can imagine that never lets up. My therapist keeps saying that this is common. The bad news? Some people have this for years. Will that happen to me?

I'm really fighting hard to stay in the pocket. If I get off-balance it's like living in parallel realities. You look cool and calm on the outside. On the inside you're screaming and you're going to snap. I don't want to live like that anymore. But sometimes I don't know what to do.