Thursday, February 14, 2008

Close to a Meltdown and Then What?

NOTE: This blog contains explicit content, language and "triggers" (sights, sounds, phrases, colors and more) than can be upsetting and/or potentially dangerous to trauma survivors. If this bothers you, stop reading now. Otherwise, continue and please pass this blog onto anyone who might benefit from it.

Another rough day with symptoms. Woke up at 4 a.m. today instead of 2 a.m. the night before. Is this progress? I don't know. Again, it takes a long time to focus and feel "awake." Then more symptoms hit. Dissociating, adrenlain surges and a stuck fight-or-flight response. Went out to do lots of stuff and it got even worse. I try all the usual grounding tricks (touch, switching to something non-traumatic, and more). But at times that doesn't work. So what do I do then when it feels like the WHOLE world is looking at me?

Then I was cooking dinner and almost had a meltdown. It felt like EVERYTHING was hitting all at once. I glanced out of the corner of my eye and saw some strange looks from the neighbors. Oh great. Now, am I gonna be labeled as the "freaky" neighbor or something? On top of everything else, now I have to deal with this?

I fought for almost an hour to try and focus and say, turn it over and go on. They don't need to know that I have PTSD from being raped. And if they get stuck in mistaking people with stupid labels, that's their problem. Still, when you feel like an orphan and the WHOLE world says f**k off and you fix it, it's hard to handle all of that at times. Some people will talk very superficially to you. But you better not say the ulgy word "rape." Because you're being stupid enough to get raped more than once is not my problem. I will not tolerate weakness. And I especially won't tolerate pathetic stupid ass s**t like this that's going to f**k up my day. So just piss off and you fix it. It doesn't matter that it's your kid or your friend. F**k that. Is it every f*****g person in the world for themselves? I'd like to think that that's not the case.

But right now EVERYTHING is a trigger. Sights, sounds, pictures, samples, everything is dangerous. If I'm not careful, dissociating and more happens for hours and you really have to fight hard to stop it. I know I need to keep going in therapy. But is it like this for all severe trauma survivors? I've been banned from one survivors site and lost at least two friends who couldn't take my being honest about trying to heal. So the answer is to take the Japanese approach to ending relationships. Just cut it off. That way there's no conflict.

You try and get help. But it literally feels like everywhere you turn people can't be bothered to listen to you. I like Pacino in "Serpico." Where am I gonna go?

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