Fighting Back Hard Against Symptoms

NOTE: This blog contains explicit language, content and "triggers"(sights, sounds, colors, key phrases, and more) that can be disturbing and/or dangerous to trauma survivors. If these bother you, stop reading now. Otherwise, keep going and please pass this blog onto anyone that might benefit from it.

It's another bizarre day on TV and with symptoms. Romney is "suspending" his campaign. The MSM is estatic that it's almost McCain and Hillary. They'll put up with Obama for a while. But that's what they really want.

Symptoms still hit hard. And everything is extreme. Dissociaiting, adrenalin surges and more. Sometimes it's the opposite. My chi is stuck and I don't know what to do. I see me sitting down and I know I have a body. But I have no sensation. I have to physically concentrate and push to get it out so I don't feel like I'm disappearing. If dissociaiting happens, I have to fight really hard to not disappear. I go out someplace and want to scream. But if I do will I get arrested? Will everybody freak out and run away? I stand in line and want to strangle the checkout person. But how do I not do that and get out. I get in my car and smash the dash screaming to try and cope. I drive and scream but try to hide my symptoms so people aren't totally freaked out.

Sometimes my therapist says that this is "appropriate behavior." I understand what he means and in a sense it is. But he's not the one living with this 24/7 (nothing personal). I go someplace and I start to cry. Triggers are everywhere. Sometimes it's a little kid with their mom. They look happy. How come I can't have that? It feels like the whole world doesn't have time to take ten seconds and say, I'm sorry you were raped. A handul of people have. But it still feels like the rest of the world says f**k off and deal with it. Nobody wants to listen to this s**t. So just go away. They can't be inconvenienced by dealing with reality? At times I think, what if this happened to one of them and they came to me? Am I supposed to just drop everything and do whatever they say to help them? I don't think so. You never helped me. As far as I can see I don't f*****g exist in your eyes.

I do all the holistic stuff I can, and I still get hit with symptoms. I have nowhere else to go right now. So I'll continue with my therapist and keep going overall. But at times the despair and feeling you're on the edge of dying is there. I'm dropping an old support group because I think I freaked them out. And they just decided they didn't want to deal with me anymore. Fine, their loss.

But at times it feels like that everywhere I go. Nobody can be bothered to listen. Nobody has the time, interest, and can't be bothered to say, that's too bad. So it feels like the rest of the world goes on and has fun. In the meantime if you have a bad day with symptoms it's just shut up and be weird in the corner. Don't embarass me or scare my kids with your s**t. Just f**k off and fix it.

And that's never going to change.